Hello: What have you seen help in your BPD relationship?

[Tasheral]

New to this. I just spoke to someone who is now divorced due to this BPD.
I am trying to provide resources for myself and wife as I am at a loss when it comes her possibly having BPD.

What is your advice for those who have not divorced or what have you seen help your relationship?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Tasheral,



There is a lot of information to the right of the board that can help give you a good introduction to ideas regarding the issues one can face in a relationship with a partner with BPD/BPD traits.

Can you tell us more about your relationship please? How long have you been together? What are some of the issues you two are struggling with?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tasheral and let me join pearlsw in welcoming you.

As pearlsw mentioned, it would be helpful for us to know more about your situation.

In the meantime, I'll quickly share a few things that have helped in my relationship with my wife that I'll be happy to elaborate on later in the thread:

- understanding and accepting that she is sick, which leads to adjusted expectations as to what she is capable of
- learning triggers and top trigger times
- self care

I also suggest you start looking at the lessons on the right.  

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[SiriusHertz]

The odd thing about BPD is that many of the traits are developmentally normal in younger children, even in some adolescents. My introduction to many of the concepts you'll find out about here, especially things like SET, setting boundaries, and compassionate/empathic listening and communication, was through a parenting class. Those same tools work really well on my BPD spouse, and our family therapist encouraged their use for years before even mentioning BPD to me/us.

The other thing that has proven vitally important is self-care and mindfulness. It's hard to deal with the emotional storms on a good day. If you're not balanced and fairly stable, BPD will push you into inappropriate responses and behaviors, and you get sucked into and trapped in the whirlwind. So making sure you take care of anything going on with you is important. I had to get help with everything stemming from the BPD-based abuse, and get my own depression under control, while learning how to best manage BPD in our family. An anti-depressant for me was really helpful, as was becoming aware of my own emotional state (so that I could see what was inappropriate and learn new behaviors).

[isilme]

understanding and accepting that she is sick, which leads to adjusted expectations as to what she is capable of

This is a big thing. 

As I write on here, I realize things that I did not really have fully thought out, but the process of writing to others helps me see things for me.  I wrote this week how I have had to learn to adjust my expectations of what a "50/50 relationship means.  And how it's not really 50%/50%, but 100%/100%.  So, if I start with 200 points of giving and understanding and give all 200, but my husband only started out with 50 points of giving and understanding, but he gives all 50, we both gave 100%.  I just had a bigger reservoir to pull from.

The odd thing about BPD is that many of the traits are developmentally normal in younger children, even in some adolescents.

Yes - they are arrested in their development at some level.  They can be smart, funny, intelligent, and some can be successful, likable in most cases, they can care, they can show compassion at times, but when faced with certain input, things that trigger self-doubt or shame (and it can be invisible to everyone but them) they don't have the expected adult level coping skills. 

BPD is an emotional disability.  When you can look at it with compassion, when you can try to see how much turmoil must exist inside them, it really helps get past the ugly things that can be said, the irrational actions.  We have more ability than they do to manage ourselves and more ability to make changes to how we interact with them that can change their learned responses.