Really down, struggling with life long depression

[Texa]

I've been struggling with depression for most of my life largely as a result of having a BPD mom, then having chosen (unknowingly at the time) a spouse with BPD, who I'm now divorced from. I should be ok, after 3 decades of therapy, but I'm not. Everything just seems like a hopeless Sisyphean struggle of trying to get better, then slipping back down to the bottom.  I just feel done.

[Harri]

hi.  I am sorry to hear that you too struggle with depression.  I take medication for it but even then I still struggle with it some days.  Sometimes the days stretch into weeks and months.  Unfortunately I think it is something I will just have to manage for the rest of my life.  

Are you taking meds for it?  

I should be ok, after 3 decades of therapy, but I'm not. Everything just seems like a hopeless Sisyphean struggle of trying to get better, then slipping back down to the bottom.

I don't say that to make it seem hopeless because it isn't.  I do understand the feeling that comes with thinking no progress is being made.  It is so hard when you feel like you can't even see the finish line after working on things.  I am not sure that therapy can or is meant to cure or erase a lifetime of damage done though.  There has to be a balance between acceptance and hope I think.

I just feel done.

I understand this too I think.  Can you describe more of what you mean?

I am glad you posted.  Sometimes just doing that is enough and it takes strength and determination too.

[Texa]

Yes, I do take meds. I would like to find a balance with acceptance and hope, but right now am not feeling any hope at all.

When I say "done", I feel like I'm just done trying - trying to be healthy, trying to be happy, trying to put the past behind me.  But I can't be "done", because I have kids.  I need to be ok for them.  If I didn't have them, I honestly would not bother anymore.

So somewhere I need to find some strength, though Lord knows where.  It's certainly not within me right now.

[Harri]

HI.  Oh boy can I relate.  Having a purpose to push though.  So elusive for so long.  I have one now after having lost my reasons to keep fighting so I think I get what you are saying.  using your kids to push yourself to get up is good, but it sounds like you want more.  I see that as a good thing.

What helped me to gain purpose and pull me though when I had none was reaching out in therapy and here on the boards.  Knowing that I had a support system was vital.  I kept telling myself that my T and the people here believed in me.  They believed I could do this and have spent so much time helping me that there was no way I was going to throw that back at them.

have you talked with your T about how you are feeling so hopeless and without purpose?  Shared how hard it is just to try?

keep reaching out.  We are here.

[Panda39]

I've been struggling with depression for most of my life largely as a result of having a BPD mom, then having chosen (unknowingly at the time) a spouse with BPD, who I'm now divorced from. I should be ok, after 3 decades of therapy, but I'm not. Everything just seems like a hopeless Sisyphean struggle of trying to get better, then slipping back down to the bottom.  I just feel done.

Hi Texa,

You're not alone in your struggle with your depression, I also experienced depression.  I also wanted to say that there is no deadline on healing, it takes however long it takes.  You're here and reaching out, your going to Therapy, your taking Meds that are helpful and  your love for your kids is stronger than your depression. You are doing positive things   Hang in there  

Are you able to share some of what your relationship with your mom has been like and where you are with her currently?  Is there something in particular that you have the most trouble with in terms of your relationship with your mom?  Is your dad in the picture? Any Siblings? How old are your kiddos?  What does custody look like with your ex?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better idea of your situation.

I hope to hear more of your story when you have the time to write.

Take Care,
Panda39

[isilme]

I'm proud of you for pushing forward for your kids.  I had two chronically depressed BPD parents, and I often felt like an afterthought to them.  Your kids may not know it, but they will appreciate this come adulthood.

Meds can only do so much - how do you do about eating well?  Trying to get out in sunlight now and then?  Sleep patterns?  Vitamins/nutrition?  Positive social interaction?  Anything at all fun you like to do, no matter how big or small, simple or complex?

I have been a mess since this last winter, longer likely, but I really noticed it this spring, how worn down, how tired, and how dreary everything seemed.  My BPDH has been having health issues, kidney stones and diabetes II, and his body has been trying to shut down from all the internal abuse going on in there.  I've "been strong" for him, to keep things going, and have neglected myself, my bad sleep patterns got worse, I had daily migraines, etc.  But I can't pour from an empty cup.

I started taking a supplement 2 weeks back to lower my stress hormone, cortisol, and overall, I can say it's helped my mood, my energy, just enough to be noticeable - I'm not running races, but I was able to not be sad and defeated from the prospect of climbing a flight of stairs.  My previous state of utter exhaustion would have had me right there.

I can PM it if you like.  Our bodies run on millennia-old patterns that were meant to keep up alive when being chased by lions, but these days wear us down when the lions are the daily grind.  I think I got "stuck" in the body chemistry of a high stress, fight or flight reaction from at least last summer when we went to the ER, maybe longer, and it's never let off.  Maybe your "throttle" got stuck in overdrive, and it's contributing to wearing you down.

I'm sorry.  I hope you can post more so we can see how you're doing.

[Fie]

Hello Texa 


I am really sorry for how you are feeling. Like a lot of members here I know how it feels to be depressed.

Can you tell us how old your children are ?

You are saying that you have been in therapy for 3 decades. Have you been having the same therapist all along ? What kind of therapy are you following ?

x

[Learning2Thrive]

Yes, I do take meds. I would like to find a balance with acceptance and hope, but right now am not feeling any hope at all.

Breathe, Texa. It’s ok to feel what you feel. You’ve struggled so long, it would be unnatural if you didn’t feel this way. I struggle with depression too. Balance is what we seek. Even though it may be quite illusive at times, we can simply trust that it exists even if we can’t feel it or find it at the moment. As we believe and seek, we will begin to find our way.

When I say "done", I feel like I'm just done trying - trying to be healthy, trying to be happy, trying to put the past behind me.  But I can't be "done", because I have kids.  I need to be ok for them.  If I didn't have them, I honestly would not bother anymore.

I have had a few moments like that myself. I understand. I have kids too... .and so many responsibilities. It’s a heavy load you are carrying.

So somewhere I need to find some strength, though Lord knows where.  It's certainly not within me right now.

It is there, Texa. Dig deep. You are worthy. You are worthy of love and kindness. Especially your own.   

  L2T

[JNChell]

Hey there, Texa. Thank you for sharing with us.

I've been struggling with depression for most of my life largely as a result of having a BPD mom, then having chosen (unknowingly at the time) a spouse with BPD

Being blunt here, depression sucks. Unfortunately it comes with this territory, but hope is not lost. The reason that I identify for this is that you’re here seeking a way to sort it out.

It is common for many of us to end up with disordered partners when we were raised by disordered parent/s. I’m learning through trauma therapy that we do this because, as odd as it sounds, it’s familiar to us. It is sewn into the threads of who we are. Really, if you sit back and think about it, it makes sense. We’re conditioned to care for unhealthy people. It’s been hard, hasn’t it?

Everything just seems like a hopeless Sisyphean struggle of trying to get better, then slipping back down to the bottom.  I just feel done.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you’ve experienced your unfair share of chaos, and it feels like it’s not going to end. I empathize with you. I have completely given up in the past. What I’ve finally figured out is that being proactive is the only thing that is going to change this for me. Making hard decisions and doing things that are currently outside of my comfort zone is where the end of my chaos exists. We should’ve been taught these things by our parents. Unfortunately, we’re having to learn it for ourselves much further on down the road. Fortunately, we have the capacity to do so.

If you’re comfortable in doing so, can you share some background on this thread about your relationship with your mother? Are there siblings involved in your family dynamic?

[Texa]

Thanks everyone for responding. I've tried all the things suggested - therapy, exercise, etc. Nothing helps. Even got the police involved to have BPDM stop harassing me.  My background? She was typically withholding and only love me if I was perfect as a kid. Lots of "black marks" on the calendar every time I did anything wrong. If I got 95% on a test I was asked what happened to the other 5%. Tried to kill herself when I was 13, I was blamed.  Lost count of the attempt #'s in my early 20's, also got blamed for all of those including by my dad.

Should have been permanently no contact once I moved out at 18 but I kept getting suckered back in largely because my dad guilted me and I let him.  Kept trying to set new boundaries to have her in my life in a limited way, but she always crossed them. Final straw was 5 years ago, when I realized she was only getting worse and would present a danger to my children.  Someone asked about my sisters - they won't have anything to do with me, she has poisoned them against me and my dad.

So, despite cutting her out entirely 5 years ago she's never let up.  Including after I filed a police complaint. I block one number, she gets a new one. I change my number, she somehow finds the new one.

This chaos is never going to end. Not as long as I'm alive. And I don't feel loved, not by anyone other than my kids.

[Kwamina]

Hi Texa,

I am very sorry you are feeling this way and struggling so with these difficult thoughts and emotions. Glad though that you came back here to post about your experiences

This chaos is never going to end. Not as long as I'm alive. And I don't feel loved, not by anyone other than my kids.

You say you've been struggling with a life long depression, mainly because of having a BPD mom and later a BPD spouse. Do you perhaps feel traumatized by your experiences?

Many children of disordered parents find themselves really struggling in their adult lives with depression and anxiety and in some cases also complex PTSD. Are you familiar with complex PTSD?

We have some information about it here:
Complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)

Here is an excerpt:

Dr. Judith Herman of Harvard University suggests that a new diagnosis, Complex PTSD, is needed to describe the symptoms of long-term trauma.
……
Pete Walker, M.A., has said the following about C-PTSD and how it relates to emotional flashbacks:

"A significant percentage of adults who suffered ongoing abuse or neglect in childhood suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the most difficult features of this type of PTSD is extreme susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.
…...
I have come to conceptualize Complex PTSD as being on a continuum of severity. In this vein, it seems that with enough neglect, certain children automatically over-identify with the superego and adopt an intense form of perfectionism that, via the critic's "not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not helpful enough, etc.," triggers them over and over into painful abandonment flashbacks every time they are remotely less than perfect or perfectly pleasing."

Do you perhaps feel like complex PTSD applies to what you're experiencing?

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

I hear how badly you feel as you struggle with depression after living most of your life surrounded by people with BPD. I too have had terrible struggles with depression, have a mom with BPD, and know what it is like to be in a relationship where I am mistreated by my partner. When you are depressed, the world can feel like a deep and dark place and that there is no hope. Please know that there is a lot of help out there and you can feel better with time and by finding out what causes your depression and making some life style changes that will help you to feel better. I have had years of therapy and much to my amazement, I have not had a long term depressive episode for a couple of years, though I do get depressed at times. I seem to have developed a resilience that allows me most of the time to get back to feeling normal and happy within a reasonable period of time. This is despite being genetically predisposed to depression as there is terrible depression in three out of four of my great grandparent's families.  You feel like the chaos with your mother is never going to end while she is still alive. My mother is still in my life and my two siblings also have BPD. I have learned I can feel better and be less upset emotionally for long periods of time by how my family members with BPD behave. One of the biggest factors in getting better in just going on with my life while still having to walk on eggshells when I unexpectedly have to deal with all the family drama, is being in therapy and regularly posting on this Board as I can't see my therapist every day. I have found the people on this Board to be kind, caring and generous, and this has often been my go to place when it is late at night and/or my other support networks are not available. Can you give us a daily update, or updates throughout the day if you need to, on how you are doing? We are here to listen to you when you are not feeling so well, and when you are having a better day we want to hear from you as well, as we want to share in the small victories along the way. Do take advantage of the great resources on this site, and read other posts as you will find you are not alone. I hope I have not shared too much of my story, and that this post is in some way helpful. Do let us know what you need, and how we can best support you and listen to you. Also, let us know when we have missed the boat, and something else would have been more helpful. We are here to learn and grow together.