Experiences with BPD spouse and double standards and effects on the kids

[LJS0617]

Does anyone have advice or if anything has worked pointing out double standards when it is about what u are not allowed but he is?  What is acceptable when he is in charge and not when u are?  Parenting and financially are 2 big ones I have to try to ignore but so obvious and often. Beginning to affect the kids and they pick up on the difference and it is confusing. He also has a good kid and a bad one. My son, 12ro is the bad... .his oldest daughter, 10yo is the good. He is very blind and insists he treats all things and kids the same. The kids have begun feeling unwelcome and not loved.

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[Panda39]

Hi LJS0617,

I come at BPD from a different angle, my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.  So I don't have anything for you in terms of the double standards, but I did want to pop in and give you some information in terms of your kids.

He also has a good kid and a bad one. My son, 12ro is the bad... .his oldest daughter, 10yo is the good. He is very blind and insists he treats all things and kids the same. The kids have begun feeling unwelcome and not loved.

It sounds like your Husband is "Splitting" your children.  This is not uncommon one child is the "Golden" Child who can do no wrong and the other is the "Scapegoat" Child who gets blamed for everything.  Both are unhealthy for your children. 

Link to more on Splitting... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

My SO's uBPDxw treated their oldest as her "Golden" Child... .Their relationship involved enmeshment and Parentification... .D14 was being told all of her mother's adult problems, she was her mom's "best friend", she was her mother's care taker, she was put in the role of her sister's care taker.  Their younger Daughter was the "Scapegoat" she has poor self-esteem, is a people pleaser, struggles with boundaries, and was bullied by her mom and sister.

Below, is a link to the "Lesson" information from the co-parenting board you might want to take a look when you have the chance... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331288#msg1331288

Panda39

[RolandOfEld]

Hi LJS0617, in my experience, double standards are a hallmark of the BPD relationship. Trying to point them out to a pwBPD will rarely have a positive result but only trigger more disordered behavior.

I know it's intensely painful to be blamed for things when you know they are wrong. So I try to stay mindful and remind myself that there is no audience in the world for these accusations but her. And that is not a very rational audience.

So I just try to stay clear in my mind that what she is blaming me of has little basis since she does the same or (much) worse.

Make sense?

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hi LJS0617,

It is unfortunate, but double standards can go along with the territory because your partner may not be able to see very far beyond their own emotions and needs.

One thing I would advise not to do is to ever give your partner "a taste of their own medicine" no matter how unfair/off what they may so or do is. That kind of tit for tat behavior will get you nowhere.

It can help to depersonalize things and regulate your own emotions.

This set of readings may be helpful for you to sort this out a bit:

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver

Be sure to also often read and review the lessons to the right of the board here. (scroll back up!)

It takes a lot of strength and mental adjustment to keep yourself grounded in a relationship with someone with a mental illness.

wishing you peace, pearl.