Need to talk to people that understand and know the disorder

[Lemolo]

My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD several times. It has to be the hardest thing to deal with it. Now she is a 30year old meth addict that has abandoned her children many times. My husband and I are raising these beautiful girls. They are only 2 and 6. I'm 60 and My husband is 63. His sister has BPD. I think it's wrong to blame parents. If we did anything wrong it was letting her get away with more because we felt so bad that she was dealing with a mental illness. I'm seeing a therapist now and I should of a long time ago but still I believe there isn't much you can do but try and communicate with them in a different way. You watch them destroy their life and make horrible decisions and it's heartbreaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Lemolo,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm sorry for what brings you here, but know that you aren't alone.  Everyone here has someone with BPD or BPD Traits in their lives.  For me it's my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so I come at BPD from a slightly different angle.

That said as a mom, I can only imagine how hard things have been for you with your daughter, you clearly love her and her daughters very much.

I'm glad to hear you are seeing a Therapist and getting support in the "real world" and now you have everyone here for support too! 

What does your relationship with your daughter look like currently?  How are your granddaughters managing?  What do you need most?  How is your Husband managing?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

I also want to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information, feel free to click on anything that resonates.

I'm so glad you've joined us.   I have found this site to be really helpful, in terms of support, ideas, perspectives and tools, I hope you do too.

Panda39

[Lollypop]

Hi Lemolo

I just wanted to say Hi. 

My son27 has a history of drug use. I count myself fortunate in that there are no grandkids as he can’t take care of himself never mind be responsible for anybody else. He doesn’t seek treatment.

I’m so very sorry to hear about your situation. You’re absolutely correct in that all we can do is find a different way to interact with our BPD. I’m glad you've got some support in place for yourself as it must be tough for you. I doubt I’ll ever be a grandparent and it makes me a little sad - life hasn’t turned out how I expected and I’m learning to deal with it.

LP

[Feeling Better]

Hello Lemolo 

I would like to join Panda39 and Lollypop in welcoming you here and also say how sorry I am to hear of what brought you here.

You sound an amazing and very wise grandmother, raising your two beautiful granddaughters, they are lucky to have you there for them.

Yes, it is heartbreaking watching our kids self destruct knowing that there is nothing that we can do to help unless they recognise that they need help.

I am glad that you made the decision to see a therapist, I am in my sixties and I sought help with a counsellor back in January this year, and I have to say that I’m so pleased that I decided to take that step.

Please take good care of yourself x 

[wendydarling]

Hello Lemola 

Welcome  You are so right when you say try and communicate in a different way, works - see tools and lessons to your right.  These will help your lovely granddaughters, a life long gift to them. They do take time to practice.

I'm glad you are here with us for support, you are not alone. 

WDx 

[Lemolo]

We sure did a lot of enabling and fixing. We should of got help. For some reason we didnt. Now I wonder why. I sometimes felt like my spouse left her problems up to me to deal with and he checked out. We didn't know what the heck we were doing. I read walking on eggshells but that didn't help me that much. The new book i just finished for families by randi something sure has. I appreciate all the replies. Right now my daughter has just moved in and went back to her out patient treatment today. She has left her abusive boyfriend. I'm taking it one day at a time. So far no raves and I have used all the new things I've learned about communicating. If she doesn't stay away from boyfriend who is using its not going to work. I'm just glad she's ok right now.

[Lemolo]

Was supposed to say rages

[wendydarling]

Hi Lemola

I'm glad The Essential Family Guide Randi Kreger spoke to you, a favourite of mine is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Shari Manning you'll find hereLibrary: Book Club, preview and discussions

It's good to hear your DD left her abusive boyfriend and went back to outpatients today, that she's helping herself is a positive step and as you say taking each day sure helps take the pressure off the situation. What's your relationship with your DD like? Does she talk to you about her struggles?

Many parents are nodding, yep we too enabled, fixed thinking we were making things better, please don't be hard on yourself dealing with BPD, is incredibly complex and challenging till we find a better way and here we can. That must be hard feeling your husband checked out on supporting you, is he on board now with the learning?

WDx

[bluek9]

   Hi Lemola,

          I've been dealing with my own difficulties for the last month. I hear you on everything!
My D just turned 36, I've been raising my grandson JJ since he was born (turning 7 next month)
So I can welcome you as another grandparent raising little ones and dealing with our own adult BPD's. I join WDx in saying good to hear she left the boyfriend. My D has always lived with me, so trust me yes I can agree with you on the enabling/fixing. Also glad she went back to treatment, that's big.
      When I first started here I shared that even though home life was really rough, at least I knew where she was and that she was safe. She also is a recovering meth addict. So very sad and heart breaking that mental illness also comes with so many other issues. At first I was so, so mad that the majority of changing and work had to be done by me. But you know what I love my D, I know that she is hidden inside this illness, and by all my heart power I was going to do what ever it took to find to her and connect with, help her to have a less fearful life.
       Again I commend you for being not only the parent, but the grandparent.