New Member: How do I discipline my BPD daughter?

[Qtpies7]

I did a google search on how to discipline our BPD daughter. There's just so little out there in spite of the knowledge on BPD.
We are watching our 14 year old spiral into a reckless life with so little hope of her turning it around one day.
We can't keep her in school. 5 days in she tried to OD. we are 7 days in this year and she is spiraling and making sure we see it. She pierced her lip with a dirty nail, the hole is black. She's faking Tourette's, but only in front of us. It could be tics from Abilify, but we really see it more as a means for attention.
Taking her phone away does actually help her behavior, until she gets it back. She's probably only facing it too get her phone back rather than it actually helping not to have it. I don't know, I guess the only reason it works is that she's going to get it back. If it was permanent, would her behavior be better?
There has to be something. Right?
Some nights I'm just tempted to become a drunk. I raised 5 kids already, and they are so well adjusted, but now I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see the next 4 years as an escalating hell.
There's got to be a balance between "I love you" and "I'm not listening to your crap."
Maybe just being here with other lost and hurting parents will at least give me an understanding ear to talk to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Qtpies7 and welcome to our online community

Raising a BPD child can be very challenging indeed and really take its toll on parents. You mention your daughter tried to OD, that's very concerning and I can imagine also quite scary for you. Where was your daughter when she tried to do this and what happened afterwards? Was this the first time that she tried to OD?

There's got to be a balance between "I love you" and "I'm not listening to your crap."

I believe that love and validation go hand in hand with boundaries and limits. Love without boundaries isn't really that loving at all in my opinion, I prefer a 'loving boundaries' approach which incorporates and indeed balances both elements. I encourage you to go through the tools and lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board. These resources are designed to help parents find a better balance when interacting with their BPD children.

Is your daughter currently in therapy? Has she received any formal diagnosis?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Qtpies7]

Yes,  my daugher has been cutting and suicidal along with BPD. She doesn't really want to die, as her choices in attempts shows.  Example, trying to OD on 9 antibiotics, or another time when a few Benydryl only made her sleepy she tried stool softeners.
She's been in treatment for almost a year. 7 weeks in the hospital since November. But it's been with her counselor that we finally got the BPD diagnosis. It's actually helped so much in dealing with her, knowing that most issues stem from the fear of abandonment. But we've got double the risks of the impulsive and risky behaviors because shes on Abilify.
We agree with the love with boundaries. What I meant by the love or not dealing with crap comment was about dealing with some issues. Sometimes her bids for attention are so ridiculous I dont want to even acknowledge them, but I also don't want to set her off, and I also don't want to reward her with what she wants. It's an endless cycle some weeks.
Having her in school pushes her anxiety so much and yet she needs to go. She was in school less than 2 months last year. We tried online school, but she was already on track to try suicide.
Now, a week and a half in to school she's showing all the warning signs. I give it maybe 2 weeks before starts trying to break into the safe. 

[incadove]

Hey Qtpies7

Just a quick thought on the bids for attention - one of the books that helped me the most was Transforming the Difficult Child, and one of the methods there is sort of a constant stream of normalized attention.  Not just when they do something good, but just seeing them for what they are doing - "you look grumpy" or "you look sad right now" - just seeing them and providing a sort of constant stream of neutral attention all the time, not only when they are inappropriately seeking it.

then the next stage is making everything earnable, and nothing free.  I never really implemented this but I did do a lot of earning.  So maybe the phone is a privilege that is earned day by day, and is always available to be earned.    I don't think taking it permanently is a good idea as it may be perceived just as rejection and upping the ante.  But making the positive things always available with effort, and a level of effort that you know your daughter can achieve maybe 80% of the time, I think may lead to a little bit more effort.  baby steps.

good luck and stick it thru!  for me, focusing on my own reactions and trying to behave in a professional way when on a personal level I felt like blowing up, helped me get thru a few of the tough days.  not all of them!

 

[wendydarling]

Hi Qtpies7 

But we've got double the risks of the impulsive and risky behaviors because shes on Abilify.

This is hard, double the risks, what's her psychiatrists view? It took time for my DD working with her psychiatrist, led to her first trusting relationship, with the team.

Incadove, I've not yet read Transforming the Difficult Child, though relate to what you say, a constant stream of normalized … neutral attention"

'Bids for attention' wondering if she's asking you to listen to her, doesn't know how to ask?

WDx

[Qtpies7]

Her psych is really conservative about meds, it's been a great help so far. We are going to see about lowering the Abilify on our next visit,  she's developing some tics, but we really don't want to go back to the issues that put her on it in the first place. 
She's really looking for validation.  Do we love her? If I'm bad will you still love me? No matter how much we do to tell and show her,  she still does stuff. I need a balance in showing her love and being unable to discipline her because she's just looking for love. 

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Q 

What dose of Abilify is your DD on? My DD was on that for around 18 months and her dose would go up and down between 5 to 20 mg . She had terrible akisthesia when she was on it and was therefore prescribed Propano to help with those side effects . Abilify affected her sleep pattern , she developed paranoia and she was constantly ravenous so she gained over 30lbs in weight ... not great for a then 15 year old who was already self conscious about her weight ! She then developed extrapyramidal symptoms where her eyes would roll upwards . This was apparently a rare side effect and was enough for her doctor to finally decide to wean her and for it because those physical side effects can become permanent
When she was on the Abilify , my DD did say it stopped her suicidal thoughts but then it also blanked out all her emotions so she felt absolutely nothing at all . She was also on other drugs though at the same time and was basically way over medicated . I believe the term “ snowed” is commonly used .

[Qtpies7]

Shes on 5mg, which we cut in half and do twice a day. But she started to develop tics, like Tourette's, gained 40lbs in 8 months, and is stealing and starting sexually risky behaviors online. We started halving the dose. The tics are less, but she's emotionally a basket case.
I took on the earning system. Cleaned out her room of everything but furniture and clothing.  Makeup, musical instruments, everything gone. She has to earn everything. She'd started carving words in her body. I found 9 blades she'd stole, and other evidence of stolen credit card, etc.
Its rough watching a compliant, obedient, happy child morph into an out of control teen and knowing normal discipline can make things worse. But I've decided I'm not letting the borderline rule her or us. If this is a lufe time issue for her,  she had to learn now how to not be out of control.  We are pretty artsy, go with the flow, but can't live that way now. Discipline and routines are necessary.
Btw, she actually seems happier since we put our foot down and took everything.  Until the med changes,  anyway,  .

[wendydarling]

Hi Qtpies7

How are you, how are you coping?

She actually seemed happier since you put your foot down and took everything, until the med changes you say. What's happening now? You're right on it by changing your approach, go with the flow won't cut it right now. It's a wiggly road, I found - improvement in one area then a slip elsewhere, left me wondering if any progress was being made, it was, it was soo subtle and slow.

Hang in there!

WDx