First baby 1 year ago: everything changed post birth

[Harrisps]

Hello, will try to keep it brief but was wondering if my story is familiar to anyone else who could offer advice... .

met my partner 5 yrs ago online. We'd both been single for some time and jumped into the deep end with both feet. Glorious at first then cracks began to appear after a few months. i realised she had an eating disorder which she still had and had been serious. I found this very very hard to get my head around as i hadnt had any experience with it. i definitely couldnt understand it for some time.

we were on/off for a long time. i was very ambivalent about whether we had enough between us to progress. I decided we did as when its good its very very good and i am patient so thought i could manage the chaotic side ok.

Fastforward to December 2016. I had decided to ask to marry her (she said yes, phew!) then i found out she was pregnant (1st child for both) - life seemed very rosie. We didnt have anymore problems than usual during the pregnancy.

Everything changed post birth. the last 12 months although there's been lots of happy moments have been the hardest of my life.

Only recently have i became aware of BPD and it hits the nail on the head. all the blame, rage, baffling criticism seems to have been turned up to maximum and i am at the end of the road with no end in sight.

I desperately want to keep this family together but everyday is another rubix cube - i just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation and could offer advice? i am trying to set limits by staying away from home tonight but i'd much much rather be at home.

Sorry not that brief in the end. H

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi Harrisps and welcome! There are lots of parents both new and experienced who are facing the same situation here as you, myself included.

As father of two kids with BPD wife I can say that the first 12 months will be the hardest of your life no matter what, BPD or no BPD, and can make or break a marriage. You will get through it!

That said, its a really good thing you discovered something is wrong when your child is still so little. It means there's a lot you can do before they start to become aware of your interaction with your partner.

Maybe you could explain a bit more about your home and childcare situation along with your partner's behaviors?

In the meantime, strongly suggest you post on other threads here to gain context on your own situation and start meeting other members.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld 

[pearlsw]

Hi Harrisps,

I'd like to join RolandofEid in welcoming you!

Can you tell us about some of the challenges you are facing at home?

take care, pearl.

[Harrisps]

Hi, Thank you both for welcoming me.

Like everyone's story mine is complex to describe properly in a post but if i can share a text message i received this morning it might shed some light... .I feel at the root my partner is very unhappy with herself. She is an amazing mum, amongst all our problems our daughter is thriving and happy. However the added pressures seem to be constantly triggering extreme changes in mood. We are from different family backgrounds, mine is very much working class and hers more middle class(ish). Socially we are very different i like to be around others and she struggles with that. More so if it's connected with me.

I feel this message self loathing and a call for help but i don't know what it takes to break the cycle. Again any insight much appreciated... .

... .I guess i just keep taking these pills and you keep living your life. Sorry i make you so fed up. Sorry we have nothing to celebrate. Sorry your with me. Sorry i'm a rubbish mum at least you have it covered. See you later x

[Hopeful05]

I'm about the same point out, as your wife, in having our child. I am not BPD, my husband is, but I did have to work through a great deal of changes,  hormones, etc. My body has been a huge mess! I now start to tear up over the stupidest stuff! I have had some postpartum anxiety too, some due to pregnancy, some due to my husbands BPD and ocd, and then some due to his family being unsafe. However, I feel pregnancy has been a huge change and vastly changed our marriage as does a baby in a super healthy functional marriage. Has she been screened for postpartum depression? I imagine  BPD puts her at s bigger risk? Granted the note you received is very similar to messages and comments I hear all the time. Pregnancy and then new baby has taken a lot of our time. Which is probably a new trigger.  I have been starting to work on doing some things to help my son not learn the behaviors that my husband is doing. Hopefully you can practice those too.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Harrisps-
First, congratulations on the birth of a healthy baby girl... .that’s a true blessing!  And I’m deeply sorry that you are struggling so much with your wife’s BPD traits.  I believe you are correct in your assessment that at the root, she likely IS very unhappy with herself.  I think most pwBPD are... .and combine that with history of an eating disorder and you don’t come up with the most secure self image.

When I look at the text she sent you, there appears to be a disconnect in the first line - between the pills she’s taking and you living your life.  What medication is she referring to?  And what does she mean as far as you “living your life”?  Could that mean that she had the baby and in her mind everything changed for her and you haven’t changed the way you’ve done anything?  Sometimes what we have to do, (as impossible as it sounds) is to attempt to climb inside our BPD partner’s head and try figure out where their feelings are coming from... .and then gently ask some questions.

To a pwBPD (person with BPD). FEELINGS = FACTS.  That’s a vital thing to keep in mind.

You have stated that she’s an amazing mum.  But she doesn’t think so... .or at least she thinks in YOUR eyes you see her as a “rubbish mum”.  This is where the communication tools on this site come in.  Those tools, combined with acknowledgement of how sleep deprived and “off kilter” her body are likely feeling, she is expressing this total let down.  She feels she has let you down.

Using the communication tools you can express that you understand how tired she must feel from the demands of the baby, and that she is handling it beautifully despite being so tired.  Just look at how the baby is thriving and so happy and alert!  And there is MUCH to celebrate (and then... .if you can take her to lunch/supper/a treat of some sort/a picnic).  There is perhaps some way to help her feel special and for the two of you to reconnect, if that’s your intention.

Again, there are so many resources on this site if your intention is to improve and strengthen your relationship with your BPDw.  In the end, we all have to acknowledge and accept that we cannot “fix” our partners or control their behavior.  We can only control ourselves.  However... .when we use the communication tools and begin to set boundaries, there is often marked improvement.

This is just a start.  But I see that she is feeling poorly about herself.  And she may need you to boost her ego a bit.  From a woman’s perspective, there are many simple loving things you can do to help her feel better.  Run a hot bubble bath for her (and climb in there with her); bring her flowers; give her a nice back massage; come home from work and give her a kiss; let her know she’s NOT invisible to you, etc.

Wishing you a nice and peaceful weekend.  Please keep posting.  This is a wonderful community.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Serenitywithin]

HarrisPS/

I feel the pain your going through. I have been married for 13 years. Have  four Children and only recently discovered my wife is BPD. I knew there were problems for years and I walked on eggsheels to keep the peace. Even then there was still raging and everything else that goes with a BPD RS.

Our fourth is Just 13 months old. The last year has been hell on earth. My wife had Post partem which brought BPD to boiling point non-stop. She made up thing in her head that my Family hated her and then she did s much stuff to bring it almost to fruition. My Fmaily being the most forgiving understanding people in the world.(Seriously Ministers and the like) She has alianted and kept the kids from my family and had serious trust and paranoia. It has been the worst year of my life. I found out around feb of this year that she is not bipolar as I expected but BPD and a counselor has confirmed it. The post partem has subsided and she is aware of her emotional issues now although she does not fully recognize or admit to things ... .

After our third Child who is now almost 9YR she had some of the same issues although I did not recognize it as much as m,y immediate family who helped with the children a lot and said she was very mean to the oldest and almost neglectful to the middle child who at the time was 14 months old ... She only had eyes for the newest child and did not have time for the rest of the children. During this time she also sparked up talking to her ex who cheated on her and was from all accounts a terrible person! She even met him with the kids and his kids at Mcdonalds for a play date. I found out and she played it off like no big deal and it was accidental. Then text messages came in about the meeting.

SO I think your issue with BPD being heightened after child birth is absolutly something many have been through.

Not sure if this helps you at all, but it is good knowing you are not alone and you are not crazy... .It is seeming to get a little better now but she still gets triggered. She is easing up faster when triggered. Not that it is a good thing, but it is better than the post partem enhanced BPD...

With Prayers!