Anyone feel shame for how a BPD parent scarred you or held you back in life?

[jxeer]

Does anyone here feel shame for how the trauma of having a BPD parent scarred you or held you back in life? I am 28, I left my parents house at 21 and have been struggling with PTSD ever since. For the past 3 years, I've gone to both individual and group therapy, and I also have had a very intensive yoga and meditation practice for the past 15 years. Most days - especially in recent years - I feel pretty good about myself. Tonight though, I'm coming in touch with enormous amounts of shame and embarrassment for the ugly ways in which I have been emotionally scarred. I'm recognizing that that shame is not new, I've always had it I'm just good at burying or concealing it or constantly working hard to be "good enough".

Does anybody relate?

[Harri]

Yes, very much so.  Shame is so ingrained and so intertwined with every aspect of me.  It has been getting better though.  As I heal and continue with posting here and working in therapy I feel less and less shame.  It no longer feels like it is consuming me.

I find that talking about it, here or in therapy is what helps.  Putting the story out there, with as few or as many details as I want sheds light upon the issue.  Having others hear it and respond and still accept me and care is the antidote.

What sort of scars are you talking about?  Are there any particular instances on your mind?  Do you want to talk about it?

[jxeer]

I experienced CEI (covert emotional incest) and had some inappropriate experiences that may perhaps may be on the spectrum of molestation. It's generally not something I speak much about, but I divulged this vulnerable information to my BPD partner when we first met. For months she has been adamant about wanting to get married and have kids. I had a BP mother and I am still working through the emotional flashbacks and PTSD from the experience. She (my partner) is in "denial" and many of her symptoms mirror my parents' symptoms and whenever I try to explain how she just accuses me of projecting my mother-issues onto her. The main reason why I haven't committed to her is because I've been free from living under the chaos of BPD for 8 years and without proper management I don't want to tether my whole life to the disease, and I don't ever want a child of mine to have to experience the kind of suffering I underwent. She can be extremely jealous and accuses me of being a sex-addict or otherwise pathologizes my sexuality because of the experience. She can also be very controlling and often comes up with warped theories about why I am not doing whatever it is she wants me to do because of how it impacts me. I normally depersonalize well but tonight for whatever reason I'm feeling particularly shameful about it. Sometimes I do consider that what if her denial is right (Validating my own emotions can be a challenge), and I really am such a mess that I'm seeing my moms BPD where it isn't present and I'm ruining an important relationship. But then I remember the things my BP partner says and does, and I'm clear its not "all my fault"

I shared something really vulnerable and the ways in which that has gotten manipulated time and again is making me feel rather shameful about it - at least tonight it is, normally I don't think I have felt this shame in years. My mom was BP, my dad was an alcoholic with PTSD. They were both high-functioning professionals and made much to do about appearances and projecting a respectable public image, but behind closed doors, home life was a mess. I sometimes feel shame for having come from such a mess. In the past I have gotten angry and blamed my partner, but I suppose tonight I am just thinking that truly I am no one to judge and my early life was a total mess.

[Harri]

  I can relate to so much of what you wrote about the shame and your family life.  That your wife would use such information against you is quite painful and cruel.  It is a violation of trust and intimacy.  It is emotional abuse.

My ex used to use my history to hide behind.  I was very open and honest about the things that happened and basically was deemed the disordered one in our relationship.  I went along with it for many reasons I won't get into but it took me a long time before I realized what was going on.  I knew about projection but was unable to see in being used against me.  I was still vulnerable to abuse and too unsure and full of shame about my past.

What happened to you is just that, stuff that happened to you .  It is not stuff you did or asked for or even deserved.  You survived it.  That takes strength.  That strength is a part of you as is your history but your history is not all of you.  Your history does not define you or determine your value.   The shame you feel is not yours to own and it never should have been placed on you.

I will be honest and say that I am having trouble finding words to help you with this.  I can easily get in the trenches with you because I know this.  I just have not yet completely conquered this shame thing.  I do know what I said in the above paragraph is true.  I also know that it is hard to be centered and not get caught up in shame when you are in a tough place emotionally and in your primary relationship.  Shame will rear it head sometimes.  I am glad you reached out here.  We can at lest talk about it. 

Generally when things from the past come up I take it as a signal that something is off and I need to tend to it.  I too have been diagnosed with PTSD, as have several of our board members.  Are you familiar with Pete walker?  He is well known for his work with complex PTSD or c-PTSD.  His site is pete-walker.com.  He has an article on Emotional Flashback Management in the Treatment of Complex PTSD.  Check it out and see if anything resonates.  He talks a lot about shame too and he talks from a place of understanding and acceptance.

It is late here and my mind is a bit wonky (east coast usa) so I will check and see how you are doing tomorrow.  Keep posting and reaching out. 

[Harri]

Reading this thread may help as well.  I talk about similar things about my history, being the disordered one, the shame and fear.  I got some great replies. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327870.0;all

[Star0009]

I'm sorry yr dealing with this. I came across the social worker who has done TED talks on you tube and written books on shame. Her name is Brene Brown. I have found her to be very helpful so far. I didn't know the term  CEI (covert emotional incest) but I experienced that too among tons of other abuse. I was told by my aunt and grandmother to take care of my Mom and younger siblings at around age 6 or 7 it started but may have been younger. My mother would tell me the names of all the women my dad slept with as a child that age. One time a man was calling her and making sex sounds into the phone when I was 9 and she told me about it then held the phone to my ear so I could hear. I've dealt with a lifetime of depression, ptsd etc... from my childhood but this site and using resources that connect with what I need like Brown's books are helping me heal.

[Woolspinner2000]

I've heard nothing but good things about Brene Brown, and that is a great idea Star0009. 

Shame is something that gets down into our core, to the very depths of who we are. It can be astonishing how much it affects us, and it leaves wounds that we don't even know are there. This is a great article:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion

I felt shame oozing out of my deep wounds this past week when someone looked me in the eye and said, "You know it isn't your fault, the way you are being treated by X." I looked back at this person and couldn't hold their gaze but dropped my eyes. "I need to keep reminding myself of that," I said. Twice he said it, and twice I struggled to believe it.

Take a look at #12 on the side of our board, "I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion." Click on it for more helpful info.

Glad you are sharing your struggles with us. Thank you for being vulnerable.

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi jxeer,

Yes. I feel shame every day. I’m learning how to manage it better, but it still affects me to some degree every day. Here’s the link to the Brene Brown youtube on shame:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=227&v=L0ifUM1DYKg

How are you feeling today?

I hope you are being kind to yourself. You are worthy of love and tenderness.

L2T

[Notwendy]

I can relate to this too.

Also, some of us have found ourselves in relationships with people who trigger our own childhood issues and shame. I think it is wise of you to be aware of your being in a relationship that seems similar to your childhood issues. It could be a first step to working on them for you.

I think this stems from the poor boundaries our BPD parents had with us- seeing us as extensions of themselves. I have also read about intergenerational shame and think perhaps some of the shame is due to our parents projecting theirs on their children.

Although I intellectually grasp that I am not responsible for my mother having BPD, I do feel a sense of ( and it isn't appropriate ) responsibility for not being able to have a "normal " relationship- what others would expect this to be - with her. For as long as I can recall, she has blamed me for the issues between us to me and to others- who have also judged me. As much as I try to rationalize it- others don't have a clue, I can still feel embarrassed around them.

Like several families here- we looked good on the outside. Dad- a successful professional and my mother- well dressed and charming. Nobody had a clue.

[isilme]

I'm not sure if it's shame as much as I have trouble feeling worthy of people's time or attention.  I had it very much ingrained in me that I was horrible and a waste of time, money, and effort, and that all other people being sad or upset is my fault.  I have a wall that sits around those feelings most of the time, but when I think of or receive a simple kindness, it overwhelms me, I almost want to point over that wall and say, "hey, wait, why are you being nice?  Don't you see I don't deserve it?"

I feel shame when I need to ask for help.  I tend to assume it's too much bother to ask people for things, and I try not to. 

Although I intellectually grasp that I am not responsible for my mother having BPD, I do feel a sense of ( and it isn't appropriate ) responsibility for not being able to have a "normal " relationship- what others would expect this to be - with her

Growing up being told it was all on me, the child, to make the relationship work, I DO feel bad that I am NC, even though I think it's best.  I feels like I failed her, when in reality, I think she failed me.  So yeah, intellectually I can see it was not my fault.  But my heart ignores that sometimes, and my BPDH will trigger a memory with a similar action to a lesser degree and I find myself in a bad place for a while. 

Like several families here- we looked good on the outside. Dad- a successful professional and my mother- well dressed and charming. Nobody had a clue.

I used to think this as true, but now have learned that some of my high school friends' parents were worried about me, wanted me to run away and live with them.  They could tell my dad was "off", and knew enough about my mother being out of the picture the neglect at the least alarmed them.  And the fact I was coached to lie to CPS as a child means someone must have noticed SOMETHING, no matter how well I thought the masks were worn.