BPD Friend Just Got Engaged...Feeling Conflicted

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here we go... .

Here is a brief recap of my story.  Four years ago, I met my BPD friend when she student taught at the school where I work.  Months later, we had a very brief but intense romantic relationship, filled with love bombing.  We looked at houses together and talked about getting married in the future.  That was followed by me being cut out of her life, brought back, cut out, etc. for the past three years.  We never went back to having an intimate relationship. 

Two years ago, she started dating a guy but had to break up with him because they worked together and she got a promotion and was his boss and could no longer date him.  She was then off and on with another guy until last September, when she got back together with the other guy after she started working at a different location.  They moved in together two months later but managed to make it work, until about two months ago, when they had a big blow up and she broke up with him.  He started crying hysterically and threatened to cut himself with a knife, at least according to her.  A few weeks later, they had apparently reconciled because when she and I hung out at the end of July, she was referring to him as her boyfriend.  But a few weeks ago, she was out with a new guy and told her mom that they had actually broken up over a month before that.  Two weeks ago, my friend's mom reached out to my friend's ex and told him she was sorry it didn't work out.  He told her that he had been planning on proposing to her on her birthday but that he was sure it was over this time.  My friend's mom told him that maybe it would still happen in the future.  He shared that with my friend, and my friend proceeded to text her mom all day, screaming at her to mind her own business and telling her that she had made everything so much worse.  She told her mom that he had broken her apartment doors when they broke up, etc.  At this point, whenever she says these things, both her mom and I take it with a grain of salt, but either way, she was clearly already going out with a new guy and had told her mom that it was over with the other guy. 

My friend left two nights ago to go visit her mom for a few days.  Tonight, I sent her a text and told her to have a good rest of her trip and told her I'd talk to her when she got back.  A few minutes later, I received the following text:  "SUMMER STORM.  I JUST GOT ENGAGED."  Needless to say, I was flabbergasted.  I texted her mom to find out what was going on.  Apparently, her ex drove the 8 hours down to her mom's house today, unannounced, and proposed to her. 

Obviously, I'm sort of in shock right now.  I said "congrats" and wished her the best and said I would need time to process everything.  She told me she wants me to be a bridesmaid.  And here's where I need advice.  I don't want to be one.  I'm not even sure that I want to go to her wedding.  Maybe that's selfish of me, but given our history, my social anxiety, the fact that I've only seen her once in the past two years, and the fact that I literally know no one in her life (I've never actually met her mom or stepdad and know none of her friends; I've never even met her fiance), I'm not really comfortable at all being involved with her wedding.  I've never even worn a dress before, and I've never even been to a wedding.  She told me I could think about it, but I know she's going to be mad if I say "no."  That being said, I also need to do what's best for me.  I really just don't know how to handle this situation at all. 

[SummerStorm]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here we go... .

Here is a brief recap of my story.  Four years ago, I met my BPD friend when she student taught at the school where I work.  Months later, we had a very brief but intense romantic relationship, filled with love bombing.  We looked at houses together and talked about getting married in the future.  That was followed by me being cut out of her life, brought back, cut out, etc. for the past three years.  We never went back to having an intimate relationship. 

Two years ago, she started dating a guy but had to break up with him because they worked together and she got a promotion and was his boss and could no longer date him.  She was then off and on with another guy until last September, when she got back together with the other guy after she started working at a different location.  They moved in together two months later but managed to make it work, until about two months ago, when they had a big blow up and she broke up with him.  He started crying hysterically and threatened to cut himself with a knife, at least according to her.  A few weeks later, they had apparently reconciled because when she and I hung out at the end of July, she was referring to him as her boyfriend.  But a few weeks ago, she was out with a new guy and told her mom that they had actually broken up over a month before that.  Two weeks ago, my friend's mom reached out to my friend's ex and told him she was sorry it didn't work out.  He told her that he had been planning on proposing to her on her birthday but that he was sure it was over this time.  My friend's mom told him that maybe it would still happen in the future.  He shared that with my friend, and my friend proceeded to text her mom all day, screaming at her to mind her own business and telling her that she had made everything so much worse.  She told her mom that he had broken her apartment doors when they broke up, etc.  At this point, whenever she says these things, both her mom and I take it with a grain of salt, but either way, she was clearly already going out with a new guy and had told her mom that it was over with the other guy. 

My friend left two nights ago to go visit her mom for a few days.  Tonight, I sent her a text and told her to have a good rest of her trip and told her I'd talk to her when she got back.  A few minutes later, I received the following text:  "SUMMER STORM.  I JUST GOT ENGAGED."  Needless to say, I was flabbergasted.  I texted her mom to find out what was going on.  Apparently, her ex drove the 8 hours down to her mom's house today, unannounced, and proposed to her. 

Obviously, I'm sort of in shock right now.  I said "congrats" and wished her the best and said I would need time to process everything.  She told me she wants me to be a bridesmaid.  And here's where I need advice.  I don't want to be one.  I'm not even sure that I want to go to her wedding.  Maybe that's selfish of me, but given our history, my social anxiety, the fact that I've only seen her once in the past two years, and the fact that I literally know no one in her life (I've never actually met her mom or stepdad and know none of her friends; I've never even met her fiance), I'm not really comfortable at all being involved with her wedding.  I've never even worn a dress before, and I've never even been to a wedding.  She told me I could think about it, but I know she's going to be mad if I say "no."  That being said, I also need to do what's best for me.  I really just don't know how to handle this situation at all. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notgoneyet]

 [quote author=SummerStorm link=topic=329002.msg12999372#msg12999372 date=15 

Obviously, I'm sort of in shock right now.  I said "congrats" and wished her the best and said I would need time to process everything.  She told me she wants me to be a bridesmaid.  And here's where I need advice.  I don't want to be one.  I'm not even sure that I want to go to her wedding.  Maybe that's selfish of me, but given our history, my social anxiety, the fact that I've only seen her once in the past two years, and the fact that I literally know no one in her life (I've never actually met her mom or stepdad and know none of her friends; I've never even met her fiance), I'm not really comfortable at all being involved with her wedding.  I've never even worn a dress before, and I've never even been to a wedding.  She told me I could think about it, but I know she's going to be mad if I say "no."  That being said, I also need to do what's best for me.  I really just don't know how to handle this situation at all. 
[/quote] 

  Summer Storm,
  Wow, what a story . must be a lot of emotions going on in your head, sounds like a  tough time.
  I'm by no means an expert on this but I've been reading all I can on the subject of (Boundaries) due to my problem of very Weak in that department and your thread just jumped out at me!
  I'm fairly certain that this is a case of wanting / & needing to say NO .  So setting some boundaries for yourself on this to protect yourself from more mixed emotions & being affected any more then you currently have from the situation.
  In my opinion it's most likely going to be a record short marriage given the history anyway. Why be any closer to it?  I'd follow your gut on this!
 
  Does that make any sense to you?
   I invite any opposing views to this as I'm quite new with all this Boundary building myself.

   Good luck with your conflict , NGY 

[Notgoneyet]

  SS,
  PS. I now for a fact that her being mad at your" No" if you chose that is not your problem at all , it's her's and that can be found on any book /article on the subject of Boundaries.
    I also wouldn't feel bad about just turning down the brides maid request and going to her wedding if that's what you would rather do.  Weddings are such an uplifting event I don't miss many that I'm invited to.
   Bottom line do what's best for YOU!
 
 NGY 

[SummerStorm]

Notgoneyet,

Thanks for the advice and your kind words. 

I spoke to her mom about it, and her reply was that I'm not being a good friend.  That was incredibly hurtful.  For four years, I've been so focused on my BPD friend's emotions, wants, etc. that I've completely neglected my own.  It's time for me to think of my own mental health.

I'm 33, and my BPD friend was my first (and only) intimate experience.  I suppose there's also a part of me that is upset and confused about why and how such an abusive person has found someone who wants to marry her while I've never been able to find anyone who even wants to date me.  And I feel like sitting through their wedding is honestly going to make me feel miserable.  And the worst part about it is that I won't even have anyone there to go to for comfort or support because I won't know anyone there. 

She's trashed his name to me, and her mom has told me stories of how my friend would call her now fiance up to 10 times a day, to yell at him and call him names.  She also admitted to her mom that she's assaulted him at least once.  Morally, it feels wrong for me to go to their wedding because it feels like I'm supporting an abusive relationship. 

This morning, I thanked her for asking me to be a bridesmaid but politely declined.  She asked if I would still attend the wedding.  I said, "Sure."  I figure I have at least a few months to think about it and make my final decision.  I then told her that I need some time to get my head around all of this and politely said I would like to have some time to myself.  She replied, "I'm just getting married."  I feel like that just proves that she doesn't really realize how major a life decision this is. 

If she hadn't broken up with him and if she hadn't been seeing some new guy for the past few weeks, I'd feel a little better about all of this.  It just seems so bizarre to me that she just got engaged to someone she wasn't even in a relationship with anymore. 

[patientandclear]

It IS bizarre! The truth about how she proceeds through relationships is in plain view and has been staring you in the face for some time. It’s not healthy. It turns others who are not strong into basket cases and people who are strong, leave.

Gently, I think the real focus for contemplation lies elsewhere. It really sounds like you are carrying hurt and self-conception that is not serving you and is doing you harm (“why is she getting married when no one even wants to date me?”). I say this from long experience myself: protracted excessive focus on these other people who toyed with and then discarded us, compounded by picking us up and putting us down in the months and years after, is a substitute way of processing our own hurts and loss, without really taking those issues on. You deserve attention to these feelings totally apart from whatever goes on in her life henceforth. She is her! You know how that goes. Maybe time to pay attention to a more interesting and ultimately worthwhile set of questions—about you. Is there anyone you are working on such feelings with?

[SummerStorm]

I have a short update.   She and I are no longer friends.  I told her that I had deleted my Instagram account.  She was my only friend on there, I had one picture from 2014 posted, and I rarely got on it, other than to look at pictures from some zoos, wildlife organizations, and sports teams.  I told her weeks ago that I was thinking about deleting it, and she said that was fine and that I should do what I thought was best.  With everything happening, I thought it would also be best to delete my account so that I wouldn't be tempted to check hers all the time to see if she'd posted anything about the engagement/wedding, though I didn't tell her that.  All I said was, "I deleted my Instagram, so if you don't see me on there, that's why."  She replied, "You can go ahead and delete my number too.  Bye."  And that was that.  She rarely even posts anything on there (the last two pictures were from July and February), and she mostly posts selfies, so it's not like everything about her life is on there and that me deleting my account means that I don't care about her life.  Yes, I know the timing of me deleting it coincides with her engagement, but I just wanted to get it done and over with, and it was raining this morning and I was stuck inside, so I got on my laptop and deleted my account.  And I didn't want her to think that I had blocked her or unfriended her or something, so I just let her know. 

To make matters worse, I had already sent her birthday gifts in the mail through UPS, to have them delivered on her birthday next week, so she'll be getting that. 

[pearlsw]

Hi SummerStorm,

Thank you for the update. Do you think this is really it and the friendship is irrevocably over? What now?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[SummerStorm]

Hi SummerStorm,

Thank you for the update. Do you think this is really it and the friendship is irrevocably over? What now?

wishing you peace, pearl.

I think it's over.  I don't know.  I sent her an email last Monday, to let her know that I had sent her birthday stuff before our friendship ended.  She replied back less than an hour later and told me she would send a thank you card and then wished me well.  That being said, it's very possible that her feelings have changed fifty times since then.  I haven't received a card from her yet, but she's notorious for sending things late (she once sent her mom gifts for Mother's Day three weeks after the fact and waited six weeks to send back two shirts she had borrowed from me), so I suppose I might still get one. 

At this point, I really don't want to be friends with her right now.  Everything about this engagement feels so "off" to me.  If the wedding actually happens, I might be open to being friends with her again.  Every time she broke up with this guy, she stayed best friends with him, and as soon as she started another relationship, he got jealous and tried to reconcile.  So, for two years, it's been a constant back and forth with them, to the point where even her own mother was always unsure if they were together or not.  It's just too much drama for me. 

One thing I forget to mention is the fact that three years ago, she was all set to move across the country with her boyfriend at the time.  They had a yard sale, he had boxes packed, etc.  She wrote me a letter and told me about their plans.  And then, three weeks later, about a month before the move, she said to him one day that it "just wasn't working anymore" and broke up with him.  I've been through all of this with her before, and it's gotten to the point where I really don't want to see it happen again.