Divorce? Or try again?

[lnv21917]

Hi! New here, my husband and I have filed for divorce. He filed, says I pushed him too much about it because we’ve been so bad for so long and he said he “called my bluff”. We tried counseling after a therapist told me it sounds like he has BPD. He’s been in therapy for anxiety since March of this year, no one has said anything about it possibly being BPD until I started seeing this couples counselor. He denies it, says someone by now would have diagnosed him with that. Divorce is pending, we can’t agree on anything. He has made poor choices towards leaving the kids unsupervised and they are too young to be taking care of themselves. We continued therapy with a new counselor because he didn’t approve of the one originally, and everytime we go he is just angry. Can’t let go of anything that has happened in the last few weeks since he filed, and blames me for everything. Our financial issues, our arguing, all my fault. He says I try to change him because I ask him not to use drugs while he has the children. I don’t even know if it’s possibel to fix this anymore, or how to get through to him because all he ever does anymore is fights me when I try to have a conversation. Whenever he does something wrong, I have to accept his apology and move on. When I do something as a response to his actions (he threatened to evict me from the house, so I called a police escort to help me get my children’s clothes from our house) he can’t let go of it, even if I apologize. Any advice on how to make this work? Or if counseling has helped anyone else? I’m not even sure what is right or wrong anymore and what is worth fighting for, or if it’s just time to move on. Thanks so much for any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Inv21917,



Sorry to hear you are at this very difficult moment in life and are having to consider this very difficult decision.

How long have you been married? And how old are the kids?

It is hard to say if you should try to save the marriage, that is such a personal choice and requires interest on his part as well, but since you do have kids together you would potentially benefit by completely adjusting your communication style with the father of your kids since you will be interacting with him to one degree or another going forward.

There are a lot of lessons to the right of the board here.   Have you had a chance to begin with any of them and consider the implications for your own relationship?

You know him well, do you think deep down he may want things to work but, like you, is just very frustrated, hopeless and not sure what more he can do? Relationships driven to that point can be pulled back from the brink if changes are made. Are you willing to make changes to cope with his mental health issues? It will likely be you who has to lead on this.

At this time is the divorce in process? How long until it would be considered final if you two don’t stop the process?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Panda39]

hi Inv21917,

I want to join pearlsw and say welcome.

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), but when I first discovered BPD the first thing I did was go to the Library and read everything I could on the subject.  It really helped to get a good grounding on what BPD is.

I thought I'd share a couple books that I particularly liked on the subject they might be something you find helpful to check out... .


Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
Book by Valerie Porr

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder / Edition 2
by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

Also, below is a link that you might find helpful from the site... .

Relationships Do's and Don'ts
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

To me knowledge about BPD is where you can start turning things around, until you know what you're dealing with it's hard to improve your relationship.

Again welcome,

Panda39