End of the chapter

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This week I heard from my ex for the first time in several months.

She didn’t contact me directly - she asked a trusted mutual friend to tell me that she (the ex) didn’t ever want me to contact her again *under any circumstances*. No reason given, but the message was emphatic and I will respect it. Most likely it was a delayed response to my last attempt to reopen contact about six months ago, which was when I gave up trying.

I think if this had happened when she first went silent on me it would have been very hard to take. It was a breakup that seemed to come out of left field, I wanted to talk and I wanted answers.

Unexpectedly now I find I can accept this as a kind of closure. Obviously it’s not what I wanted - who would want a message like that from someone you still love? But at least now we’ve got a piece of communication, limited as it is, which acknowledges the end of the relationship. It helps, though I doubt that was her intention. And I know there won’t be anything more.

There’s a lot of talk on these boards about aiming for indifference as the end goal of detachment, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. I don’t think I could ever be indifferent to her because she’s too special and I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about her. What I’m aiming for is to respect the memories I have of her in a way that’s balanced and realistic. I think I’m learning to do that. She’s a part of my life story that I’ll always value. But now that chapter is closed.

I don’t expect the journey will get magically easier from here on, but I do see this as a significant marker. Thanks to all who’ve encouraged me this far.

[Sirnut]

This week I heard from my ex for the first time in several months.

She didn’t contact me directly - she asked a trusted mutual friend to tell me that she (the ex) didn’t ever want me to contact her again *under any circumstances*. No reason given, but the message was emphatic and I will respect it. Most likely it was a delayed response to my last attempt to reopen contact about six months ago, which was when I gave up trying.

I think if this had happened when she first went silent on me it would have been very hard to take. It was a breakup that seemed to come out of left field, I wanted to talk and I wanted answers.

Unexpectedly now I find I can accept this as a kind of closure. Obviously it’s not what I wanted - who would want a message like that from someone you still love? But at least now we’ve got a piece of communication, limited as it is, which acknowledges the end of the relationship. It helps, though I doubt that was her intention. And I know there won’t be anything more.

There’s a lot of talk on these boards about aiming for indifference as the end goal of detachment, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. I don’t think I could ever be indifferent to her because she’s too special and I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about her. What I’m aiming for is to respect the memories I have of her in a way that’s balanced and realistic. I think I’m learning to do that. She’s a part of my life story that I’ll always value. But now that chapter is closed.

I don’t expect the journey will get magically easier from here on, but I do see this as a significant marker. Thanks to all who’ve encouraged me this far.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Sirnut,

I’m sure this was a difficult message to accept.  But, it sounds as if you are far enough down the healing path to accept it. 

I guess one positive thing is that you have a definitive answer, and as you say closure.  So many pwBPD recycle time and time again with the same hurtful ending.

You have your memories and that is a nice way to think
of it - one chapter.

As you have pointed out , the journey may not get magically easier.  What will you do to continue your healing? 

The future is yours, my friend.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Sirnut]

Hi thanks Mbabw

It’s been a journey. I was in what I can best describe as a black hole for the first few weeks, something many here will have experienced. What has helped on the journey back are: counselling, good support from friends and family, and building up some patterns of purposeful activity.

Thanks for reading and responding.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sirnut, Sorry to learn about that message you received, which must have been rough to hear.  ON the other hand, I agree w/Mustbe: a clean break is hard, yet it provides certainty and clarity that is often hard to get from a pwBPD.  I don't know your backstory, but if your Ex has BPD, then I think you might consider practicing gratitude for getting out of an unhealthy dynamic.  It's onwards and upwards from here, my friend.

LuckyJim