Estrangement

[Fleming]

My adult daughter and I have been estranged by her choice for 1 1/2 years. It continues to be unclear what she is angry about, as the specific reasons shift. The consistent themes are her feelings of hurt and anger, and her conviction that me, her father and her brother are all “narcissistic and self-absorbed”.  She was always closest to me growing up, but she continues to have relationships with her father (we are divorced) and brother, but these relationships are strained.

My daughter and I attempted therapy twice after the first six months of estrangement, which essentially was me sitting through several hours of verbal attacks. The therapist was unable to moderate, and I was unable to remain calm -  I walked out of the second visit, which looking back I wish I could undo.  We have not spoken since.

Since then, I have read extensively about BPD, and what I must be able to do in order to have any relationship with her (wise mind, boundaries etc). I know that my daughter sees a therapist, but I do not know if this is DBT. My daughter rejects the diagnosis of BPD (she admits to having the trait, but feels everybody has some).

Every 3-4 months I send her a card expressing my love and my desire to reopen communication with her, and try to find some path forward for us.  She complained to her brother about receiving the last card, saying “I don’t get it”.

My question for the group: Should I continue to reach out to her in this way, or would it be better to wait for her to reach out to me? Or is there some other action I should consider?
The longer the estrangement, the less emotion I feel about her - the hurt and anger are less, which is good, but my desire to re-engage is lessening, too.  I am worried my love for her will diminish, though writing this makes me tearful so that isn’t the issue yet.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Fleming,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but am glad you found us, we all have someone in our lives with BPD or BPD Traits.  You are not alone 

My adult daughter and I have been estranged by her choice for 1 1/2 years. It continues to be unclear what she is angry about, as the specific reasons shift. The consistent themes are her feelings of hurt and anger, and her conviction that me, her father and her brother are all “narcissistic and self-absorbed”.  She was always closest to me growing up, but she continues to have relationships with her father (we are divorced) and brother, but these relationships are strained.

I'm sorry you are going through a period of estrangement.  It sounds like it is a mixed blessing, you love your daughter and worry, but with this estrangement comes a break from the drama. Do you hear the projection in the bolded statement above?  That is what it sounds like to me... .your daughter projecting negative feelings she has about herself on to the rest of you.  Understanding and recognizing projection for what it is can be helpful in terms of not taking things so personally.

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Link to more on Projection https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

My daughter and I attempted therapy twice after the first six months of estrangement, which essentially was me sitting through several hours of verbal attacks. The therapist was unable to moderate, and I was unable to remain calm -  I walked out of the second visit, which looking back I wish I could undo.  We have not spoken since.

I'm sorry you had to sit through this verbal beating it had to be hard.  Do you know if the Therapist was knowledgeable on BPD?  Are you interested in trying Therapy again? 

Since then, I have read extensively about BPD, and what I must be able to do in order to have any relationship with her (wise mind, boundaries etc). I know that my daughter sees a therapist, but I do not know if this is DBT. My daughter rejects the diagnosis of BPD (she admits to having the trait, but feels everybody has some).

 

Your daughter's in denial about BPD but the good news is she is seeing a Therapist.  Whether DBT or not a Professional on the scene should be a positive.

Every 3-4 months I send her a card expressing my love and my desire to reopen communication with her, and try to find some path forward for us. 

I love your card idea, it keeps the door to future contact open.  If it were me, I would reach occasionally like you are and wait for her to reach out to you when she is ready.

The longer the estrangement, the less emotion I feel about her - the hurt and anger are less, which is good, but my desire to re-engage is lessening, too.  I am worried my love for her will diminish, though writing this makes me tearful so that isn’t the issue yet.

Fleming you love your daughter it shines through in your post, and the fact that you are here looking for ideas and support also says you care.  I think what you are describing above is just coming back down to a more normal baseline in terms of your own emotions.  You are not on high alert, or escalated because of high drama you are just being normal Fleming.  I think this is good, it's not good for your health to be living in anxiety and adrenaline. 

I know other members will be along to share their thoughts and ideas.  Before I go I also wanted to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information, just click on anything that resonates to find out more.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Lollypop]

Hi there Fleming

I’m glad to meet you but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. You’ve come to the right place - I’ve been hopping around the forum for some time now and benefitted immensely.

I sent a card to my son with a short note to say that I hoped he was doing ok, that he was well and happy. I wanted him to know that I was seeking help for myself and hoped he’d do the same.

He was about 22 at this stage. He got dx at 24 and that’s when he returned home. He’s currently 27 and living independently nearby - dxwith GAD with BPD traits.

My note hinted at something - that I was trying to change and he was curious as to what I was doing.  It was this that allowed us to have a telephone conversation and I asked if he’d agree to meet me sometimes for breakfast just so I could see he was ok as I was feeling anxious and it would help me. Was this manipulation?  Perhaps - but I WAS seeking help for myself and I was very worried about him (truth) - it was the start of a very long journey for us both.

The wording needs careful consideration and I’d suggest that there’s no hint of any expectation of her.  My son had to feel that things would be different between us, then I had to prove it.

If something’s not working then a change in approach is needed.

Sorry, I’ve got to fly. L look forward to reading your posts. I hope my experience has helped you in some way.

LP

[Merlot]

Hi Fleming

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

Boy do I know what your going through, its a script from my own life. Im so sorry for both of us as this is an incredibly difficult journey. 

There are a number of parents here who are struggling with this very issue. One of our members shared his thoughts about continuing to send your thoughts of love and allowing your child to own their own reactions, even if there is no appreciation or response.

I think its a very natural response to want to stop doing something if there is no perecieved benefit. 

I am about to send a card to my DD27 and a little dress for my GD1. The way Im going to view it is this. "I will always love her and I always want to remind her of this. Deep down she needs this more than anything. After all she thinks I dont love her enough."

In saying that, Im also protecting myself from her abuse, which while rationally I know is not personal, I dont cope with very well at all. A hangover I suppose from years of verbal and emotional abuse from my ex husband.

Its great that the pain is ebbing for you but your love for you daughter will never change. Im accepting that the daughter I raised is not the daughter I expected her to be but I do still love her so much.

Look after yourself and hopefully you come to share more so that we can support you and learn from each other.

Merlot 

[Huat]

I'm welcoming you, too, Fleming.

Over the past 40 years there have been many, many periods of no contact with our uBPD daughter and some of them lasting a couple of years.  Heartbreaking?  You bet!  In her arsenal, though, were our 2 precious grandchildren... .grandchildren to whom we had been surrogate parents along the way when her relationship with one or the other father fell apart. We allowed ourselves to be door mats just to regain contact with them.

Currently we are estranged yet again but this time (and the only time ever!) it was us who pulled the pin.  Her verbal abuse was escalating and we were warned that could turn to physical abuse.  We are in our mid/late 70's and will be less and less able to defend ourselves if the unthinkable would happen.  Well, truth be told, it is not my husband (her Dad) who has to worry.  It is me, her Mom.  So, she was told that the next time we meet had to be in a counsellor's office.  No negotiating on this one!  I, like Merlot, am protecting myself.

You write... ."The longer the estrangement, the less emotion I feel about her - the hurt and anger are less, which is good, but my desire to re-engage is lessening, too."  I could very well have written those words.  Sadly, it took way too long for me to get to that kind of thinking but now that I have... .I am feeling more at peace. 

One of the things that got me on my road to recovery was hearing the phrase "radical acceptance"... .looking up the meaning... .concentrating on the message.

Then you write... ."I am worried my love for her will diminish, though writing this makes me tearful so that isn’t the issue yet."  Don't undermine yourself, Fleming.  I know my love for my daughter will never diminish and your tears confirm the same for you, too.

So, you do what you feel comfortable doing.  It is a wonderful idea sending a card every now and then.  Sound advice from Lollypop and Panda39... .make it short and sweet with no hint of something being expected of her.  Leave the ball in her court... .and then get on with YOUR life.   Continue to learn, though.  The time could very well come when your daughter does make contact.  Be armed with "the-tricks-of-the-trade" as you interact with her.

Hope to hear more from you, Fleming.  This is a safe haven where we give and take... .support.

Huat

[Fleming]

Thanks to everybody who replied. Your words make me feel so understood and supported.  That really helps give me strength.