Need advice as I am about to leave with by BPD husband for vacation

[lonely38]

My BPD husband has been doing better at controlling his emotions which has wonderful for me.  He is recognizing his own stuff and is starting to own it more.

However, yesterday was an off day for him.  We went to dinner and a musical last night.  I was embarassed by a remark he made as we were sitting in the auditorium waiting for the show to start.  There was a person of color next to me and he made a remark about another show and 'why were they using people of color' in this show?  He realized what he said as he said it.  Later, as he pointed out to me, 'there was nothing wrong with what he said, it was just an observation about another show.'  As we were driving home, we were driving with lots of people out on the busy city streets.  Another young person of color was on a scooter and his light was shining toward us.  My husband used his finger to pretend he was shooting out the lights of the kids scooter.  This was his explanation that he was shooting out the light of the scooter, not the person.  I told him I was shocked at his behavior and that it was a very unchristian thing to do.  He responded to me that I am either disrespectful toward him or I am prideful because I thought so ill of him.

This type of encounter and conversation reminds me of so many others with him throughout the years.  My gut feeling this am is that I do not want to be with him for an extended vacation like this.  Any suggestions on how to get through it are greatly appreciated.  Also any suggestions as to how respond to his 'bullying' remarks would be appreciated.

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[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

Glad to see you again!

Well, as a person of color myself I want to say that I appreciate how much you care that he made these comments. People of color tend to hear a lot of stuff. I can’t believe some videos of racism I saw on Twitter this week. Well, every week! A lot worse happens. Unfortunately. I am also impressed that you take your religious beliefs so seriously and want to apply them as life presents its challenges.

My take, just speaking for myself... .The first comment could be seen as innocuous. I’d let that one go. The second one seems a bit more offensive what with violence against people of color. If the other person didn’t see it than it was just you who did, but still. I know. Ick.

I think I’d just say “Look, we can all make thoughtless comments from time to time. I know you are not racist (if this is true). I felt a bit embarrassed and put off by what you said and did. Can I ask you to please be bit more aware?” (But this is just me and how I speak at home. I don't always fit the rule books and work as I go, mistakes and all! I just always try to get back to teamwork. If he said he was being aware and didn't mean anything by it I'd take that and say, okay. I'd say I felt bad, it made me uncomfortable. There really is nothing to argue about when you boil it down. I'd go for a repair and healing and getting back on the same side asap.)

There might be a better version of that with SET. Hmmm….

[pause]

Well, I reviewed a bit just to be sure and my take is that you’d use SET if he started to argue.

What’s tough is you need to say what you think, but he may want to argue a point. Then what? Ya know? He will likely be defensive, right? Tell you you are the problem? Say you are being too sensitive? Hmmm. Well, that is not the case, you are just looking for a way to express your thoughts. You have to be ready to say what you think with NO expectation that it will do anything to change how he sees the topic. Do you feel ready to face that? Maybe this is just a conversation that plants a seed. You don’t want to get into an argument, to try to convince him to not do such things as much as they mean to you and I get how much they mean! Been there!

Again, I’d just use “I feel” statements. Your feelings are your feelings and they are nothing to argue about. Don't argue the "disrespectful" and "prideful" comments. Let this be about your feelings and don't get defensive or this will go round and round.

I taught (at his request) my BPD traits SO to respond to things I said, rather than be totally silent, with this simple statement, “I care how you feel.” That goes so far! Your fella is not likely to give you that though, right? That’s okay for today. I’m saying it you. I care how you feel, okay! So, you have that in your pocket. I care how you feel, you will be okay.  

My SO is from two cultures, each with a set of prejudices that the larger world expresses towards him. Nevertheless I was surprised sometimes by less than charitable comments he made about other cultures/groups of people. Ick! Shocking! Very disappointing! I spoke to him about it. In time he seemed to get it, a bit from me, and a bit from just watching news from the US at times. People can learn. Give him the chance to learn.

I also have a good friend who I think doesn’t have a lot, if any, nonwhite friends besides me and he has occasionally said some “awkward” things, but all in all, I know he’s a good person and means well, and is very open to learning. I think that is what matters most in the end. We live in a world full of prejudice and racism, unlearning it does not come easy, but people are more likely to do it, I think, if they are welcomed over to the other side of things. (I’ve got many other stories about much worse racist comments I’ve heard and had to deal with. Yikes!)

As for the vacation, well, I’d reread a lot of the tools here and get ready! I find just the first part, getting out the door, can be the worst so I’d do all I can to give extra time so you are not rushing at the last minute - that’s when stresses can rise.

First, manage your own stress. Always. That is huge. That way, if he loses it, you are less likely to as well because you are being so mindful. Breathe. Slow yourself down. Put mantras in your head that are positive reminders of how truly lucky you are to have a vacation - anything to slow yourself down. If you do lose your cool, forgive yourself and get back on track asap! No one is perfect!

A vacation is a lot of time together, not always fun from door to door. Would you want to build in some alone, or at least quiet time, during the trip to restore your reserves of patience? (I know I have had to do this!) Maybe reading things that help inspire or relax you, or help you with mindfulness?

warmly, pearl.

[lonely38]

I think I am so trigger happy these days that it very hard for me to not overreact to my husbands crazy.  Anyway, I appreciate the good thoughts and encouragement.  I would just love a vacation all by myself at this point!

[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

Oh I hear ya! I took a solo vacation this summer! I have to admit it was a bit less than ideal! I got a horrible eye infection, some loca lady wanted to provoke me with her extreme insults and "get me thrown in jail" while we were riding a train she said, I prayed for her and myself after this once I arrived in the old medieval era city! I got locked out of where I was staying and was stuck on the street at 1 am... .a lot of odd stuff happened. But all in all, yes! Me time!  Art exhibitions, cooking classes, wine, the beach, lots of great memories!

Check out the basic tools on the right, Wisemind, Ending Conflict, Listening with Empathy, etc. Reprogram, restore patience, and take breaks from him!

Anyone want to join us here? We can use more tips please! How do you survive vacations?

sincerely, pearl.