I feel stuck in my feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone,
I've posted many stories about my encounters with my in-laws, particularly my MIL, and 2 SIL's who all display signs of BPD.  SIL 1, the oldest of the sisters has a BPD diagnosis, my MIL and SIL 2 just have symptoms. 

The story is long, but basically last year my H and I went NC with both sisters for separate reasons.  We have let down the walls a little for SIL 2 because she expressed interest in reuniting.  We did this separate from her BF which was difficult as she basically wanted us to love him.  He was involved in some of her playing the victim role and got nasty with my H and I when we had only really met him once.  Regardless, we have since met him a few more times and I am trying to give him a little more trust. 
Here is where I stand with her: With SIL 2, I have a hard time accepting a relationship.  I know that we talked through a lot of the terrible things that happened between us, between her and my marriage, etc. I have a really hard time not having disgust for her.  When I hear her name I say in my head BLEEECHHHHH. I just seem to have no patience for her.  I think this comes from a place of examining my relationship with her and seeing that it really feels like it has to be all or nothing.  We are either not really talking or we are on speaking terms and she emails, texts, sends instagram messages, sends messages to my work accounts, shows up in our neighborhood, etc.  It's soo much for me.  My H sees these things as her "trying" which I guess in theory she is, I just want to try to manage my emotions better.  Why can't I just let the stuff that happened in the past go?  Why does she annoy me so much?
Then there is SIL 1, for whom I have even LESS patience.  SIL 1 took things very far and damaged every relationship she had on my FIL's side of the family.  No one communicates with her, mainly by her choice.  She has many of the classic symptoms of BPD including exaggerating illnesses to get attention.  About a month ago she had a "hysterectomy where they also removed cancerous cells."  Was in and out of the hospital in one day and was drinking and at a party a week later.  Needless to say we will never actually know the truth, but I think it's safe to say she did not have a major surgery like a hysterectomy.
SIL 1 has been NC with us, as we have with her.  Post surgery we saw her at a family party and we were of course cordial, but firm in our boundaries with her. She was rude to me a few times, but I ignored it and was waiting for her to give the opening of wanting to come back into our lives (pattern is relatively predictable at this point).  She told me she missed me and my H and that life is too short (with her cancer scare and all).  I stood firm and was very proud that I stuck up for myself and said that we would all need to sit down and talk about everything that has transpired. Pretty much no one has ever held her accountable for anything she has done, but I will not be one of those people.  She was quiet for a while, but recently reached out to my H and was all sappy saying she misses him and wants to know how their dad is.  We have been triangulated with her before, so we are setting clear boundaries by not even addressing their dad.  She can communicate with him and she really should if she wants a relationship. She wants to get together with us soon to have that talk.  It's not that I am nervous about the talk, I just don't want to.

I feel stuck in my own feelings.  I just am in a place where I don't even care.  I know it's sad and mean, but I just feel like life is SO complicated with them in it.  I get labeled the villain (even if my H makes the decisions with his family, it ends up being on me).  I want to be more positive and see the good in people and in those relationships, but to me there is no good other than my H having his sisters in his life.  They sabotage any situation for any given reason.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?  How do you all get out of these feelings?

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey everyone,
I've posted many stories about my encounters with my in-laws, particularly my MIL, and 2 SIL's who all display signs of BPD.  SIL 1, the oldest of the sisters has a BPD diagnosis, my MIL and SIL 2 just have symptoms. 

The story is long, but basically last year my H and I went NC with both sisters for separate reasons.  We have let down the walls a little for SIL 2 because she expressed interest in reuniting.  We did this separate from her BF which was difficult as she basically wanted us to love him.  He was involved in some of her playing the victim role and got nasty with my H and I when we had only really met him once.  Regardless, we have since met him a few more times and I am trying to give him a little more trust. 
Here is where I stand with her: With SIL 2, I have a hard time accepting a relationship.  I know that we talked through a lot of the terrible things that happened between us, between her and my marriage, etc. I have a really hard time not having disgust for her.  When I hear her name I say in my head BLEEECHHHHH. I just seem to have no patience for her.  I think this comes from a place of examining my relationship with her and seeing that it really feels like it has to be all or nothing.  We are either not really talking or we are on speaking terms and she emails, texts, sends instagram messages, sends messages to my work accounts, shows up in our neighborhood, etc.  It's soo much for me.  My H sees these things as her "trying" which I guess in theory she is, I just want to try to manage my emotions better.  Why can't I just let the stuff that happened in the past go?  Why does she annoy me so much?
Then there is SIL 1, for whom I have even LESS patience.  SIL 1 took things very far and damaged every relationship she had on my FIL's side of the family.  No one communicates with her, mainly by her choice.  She has many of the classic symptoms of BPD including exaggerating illnesses to get attention.  About a month ago she had a "hysterectomy where they also removed cancerous cells."  Was in and out of the hospital in one day and was drinking and at a party a week later.  Needless to say we will never actually know the truth, but I think it's safe to say she did not have a major surgery like a hysterectomy.
SIL 1 has been NC with us, as we have with her.  Post surgery we saw her at a family party and we were of course cordial, but firm in our boundaries with her. She was rude to me a few times, but I ignored it and was waiting for her to give the opening of wanting to come back into our lives (pattern is relatively predictable at this point).  She told me she missed me and my H and that life is too short (with her cancer scare and all).  I stood firm and was very proud that I stuck up for myself and said that we would all need to sit down and talk about everything that has transpired. Pretty much no one has ever held her accountable for anything she has done, but I will not be one of those people.  She was quiet for a while, but recently reached out to my H and was all sappy saying she misses him and wants to know how their dad is.  We have been triangulated with her before, so we are setting clear boundaries by not even addressing their dad.  She can communicate with him and she really should if she wants a relationship. She wants to get together with us soon to have that talk.  It's not that I am nervous about the talk, I just don't want to.

I feel stuck in my own feelings.  I just am in a place where I don't even care.  I know it's sad and mean, but I just feel like life is SO complicated with them in it.  I get labeled the villain (even if my H makes the decisions with his family, it ends up being on me).  I want to be more positive and see the good in people and in those relationships, but to me there is no good other than my H having his sisters in his life.  They sabotage any situation for any given reason.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?  How do you all get out of these feelings?

[Turkish]

FM,

It sounds like you are in the same place as when SIL 1 was making a huge deal about her surgery. 

SIL 2, it sounds like there is a little less drama there.  I know these are your husband's sisters and he grew up in that family,  so he's used to the drama.  What are the thoughts of both of you regarding boundaries? It sounds like them blaming you is still causing you pain. Furbaby Mom shouldn't be a convenient target. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I feel stuck in my own feelings.  I just am in a place where I don't even care.  I know it's sad and mean, but I just feel like life is SO complicated with them in it.  I get labeled the villain (even if my H makes the decisions with his family, it ends up being on me).  I want to be more positive and see the good in people and in those relationships, but to me there is no good other than my H having his sisters in his life.  They sabotage any situation for any given reason.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?  How do you all get out of these feelings?

Yes. I have felt that way on many occasions. Generally, this happens when I feel like my feelings are not being considered and I am being expected to make everything ok for everybody else.

How do I get out of those feelings? A lot of healthy self care and strong boundaries set around what I truly need. I ride my bike a LOT. I constantly evaluate what I want and what I can accept in my life. The stuff I don’t want and can’t accept, I work really hard to just let go of it. Seriously... .like when meditating, I visualize giant scissors cutting the emotional ties that bind me to that stuff. It’s an ongoing process.

What can you live with? What is a dealbreaker? When you get really honest with yourself, it is very enlightening.

Sending you positive energy and love, Furbaby Mom. You are worthy of love and kindness.  

L2T

[Panda39]

I think this comes from a place of examining my relationship with her and seeing that it really feels like it has to be all or nothing.  We are either not really talking or we are on speaking terms and she emails, texts, sends instagram messages, sends messages to my work accounts, shows up in our neighborhood, etc.  It's soo much for me.

This might be a place to have some boundaries... .you could block some of these access points, or you could just check them weekly not everyday something like that or maybe just respond via email only so she gets used to contacting you in once place and you can take your time when responding.

Yes, I know the BLEECHHHHH feeling.  Every time my SO's daughter gets involved with her mother my Panda brain just goes... .Oh Gawwwwd what now?  It's that awful anticipation of problems and drama. It's okay to have the feeling it's actually natural to have that feeling, but you don't have to act on it or show it.

Panda39
 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hey, Furbaby Mom 

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you this morning and sending positive energy and gentle hugs of encouragement your way.

I hope you’ll pop back in and let us know how you’re feeling today if you have a chance. 

L2T

[Furbaby Mom]

I constantly evaluate what I want and what I can accept in my life. The stuff I don’t want and can’t accept, I work really hard to just let go of it. Seriously... .like when meditating, I visualize giant scissors cutting the emotional ties that bind me to that stuff. It’s an ongoing process.

What can you live with? What is a dealbreaker? When you get really honest with yourself, it is very enlightening.

Sending you positive energy and love, Furbaby Mom. You are worthy of love and kindness.  

L2T

I am so touched.  This group consistently provides me the support that a few of my in-laws are incapable of providing me and for that I am incredibly grateful.  I was able to think a little more about my feelings and that helped, but I did get triggered last night.

Way back... .about two years ago, SIL 2 really tried to get my H to not marry me.  She started fights, created fake drama, etc.  She was texting him on a relatively daily basis begging him to reconsider getting married, what did he really know about me, did he get a prenup because he probably should, etc... .really very hurtful things.  Yes, I know that this was her fear of abandonment now.  I will not be able to forget that she felt that way or said those things though.  Last night she texted my H begging him to cancel our trip to Bermuda next week.  She found out through their mom that we are going away and she stated she was scared for his life because of the hurricane that is heading toward the south right now. 

We are not going to cancel our trip.  The hurricane is this week, not next and Bermuda is supposed to not get hit.  It was in that moment that I realized really what is going on for me. 

I am constantly being triggered.  I went through a lot with these women and the things that transpired may have been because of a mental health illness, but that doesn't make them less real and less hurtful.  My H tries very hard to understand my perspective and has come a LONG way in understanding it, but he is always on the side of being worshipped and adored.  Even when he has flipped out on them, which he has... .he still remains on this lily pad to them.  Not in a healthy sibling relationship way, in a toxic they feed him attention for attention back way. He has a weak spot for them because they manipulate him and if you ask him he will tell you he is ultimately scared that they will kill themselves. (threats have always been a part of their relationships).

In terms of boundaries with them, I know that my H will ultimately respect my wishes.  He can give me a hard time about it and it has caused a lot of fights so I am learning how best to approach the topic of them with him.  I am also trying to stay on top of the "pre-emptive strikes."  I know their pattern of behavior so I am getting better at making us busy for certain situations so we cannot stay later to give them more time.  It sucks having to do that, but my H still struggles with the boundaries.

With social media and the communication I flat out ignore it.  I have friend request sitting in my Facebook inbox from SIL 2's boyfriend that will not get accepted. I have learned to care less about offending them because I have to maintain a boundary.  When I see her next, I will probably address the topic and ask her to continue to respect my request for no social media contact (has set that a while ago).

What I went through around my wedding was traumatic and nothing ever got resolved.  The pattern in their family is to explode, go away for a while, then pretend like its fine.  I will never be okay with that pattern.  I am trying to acknowledge the strength I gained from going through all of this and that I can be a nice person but not get taken advantage of. 

I truly appreciate the support.

[Harri]

Hi!  I kept thinking as I was reading your post that you do not have to like them.  It is okay to not like them.  You will need to continue to deal with them as you have but you are doing great there.  Same with realizing that your husbands relationship is different thank yours with them and accepting where he is with it all.

I can't think of anything else that you could be doing.  Just keep working on you and supporting your husband while gently prodding him along.  Acceptance is good.  I was reminded yesterday that acceptance does not mean liking something.

Keep up the good work.

[Turkish]

I think her concern could be validated but thinking about canceling the trip due to her anxiety (rather than legitimate concerns) is meeting her needs not yours. If any answer, "thanks for your concern."

Even if, say, you and your husband wanted to sail into a storm and get stuck on a deserted isle with Gilligan, The Professor and Mary-Ann, that's your business.  

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi!  I kept thinking as I was reading your post that you do not have to like them.  It is okay to not like them.  You will need to continue to deal with them as you have but you are doing great there.  Same with realizing that your husbands relationship is different thank yours with them and accepting where he is with it all.

Yes. What Harri said! It is absolutely okay not to like them. You can be polite and do what’s right for yourself and your husband and simply not like them. Keeping your focus on what is good and right for you is a great choice. Practicing up for potential scenarios can help you mitigate emotional reactions.

L2T

[Furbaby Mom]

I am a therapist in real life, so I have known the value of giving permission to my clients, but for some reason reading from you guys that I have permission to feel the way I do is shocking/relieving.  I struggle with giving myself permission especially in this situation because I know how I feel about my family.

NEW UPDATE: SIL 1 texted both my H and I last night.  She has "been thinking about us a lot and wants to get together to mend things."  This evolved into a conversation with me and my H, which turned slightly heated but not as bad as it has gone in the past.  He struggles to see my perspective, but was able to at least keep his cool.  For him, the text means she is trying and trying=moving on which means lets leave the past in the past.  I really have a hard time with that.

Only time will tell, but we have a busy schedule for a while, so we will have to see when we can make time to meet with her.  I AM ANXIOUS!

[zachira]

It is so overwhelming and painful to deal with family members who act badly on a regular basis, and you never know when you will be hit by the tornado. Try to remember that no uncomfortable feeling lasts forever if we allow ourselves to process it. I recommend sitting quietly for 30-60 minutes a day, just observing your feelings. That way no feeling gets built up to the point of being intolerable. Also, it can help to slow down, and observe whatever feelings come up in the moment when you are around your husband's family members who have a pattern of exploding, going away for awhile, and then pretending everything is fine. (My heart goes out to you as all my immediate family members fit this description.) Keep us posted on how you are doing, and please share with us what helps, as we are here to learn from each other.

[Harri]

Can you pinpoint what about a potential meeting is causing your anxiety?

[Furbaby Mom]

I agree with comments about needing to let feelings come and then go. I get caught up in the drama and constant fire mainly because that is what they want. I have to take lessons from my therapist self and not feed into their anxiety/drama which I have gotten better.

My anxiety about meeting is based on a few things.  One, I get worried that in person my H will cave with SIL 1 and not support our boundaries (probably not realistic because he knows how I feel at this point and he also was very hurt by SIL 1).  Two, she is incredibly unpredictable so my setting boundaries could set her off (very realistic, but also if we meet in a public place that may lessen the blow).  Three, I have discovered that "conversations" with her are very one sided. 

I have a strategy in mind for this meeting.  My intentions are to tell her how I feel in fact of the matter terms.  At this point, I am no longer angry.  I feel hurt but not to a point where I will get emotional.  I feel like I can tell her that what she did hurt me, I don't want or need an apology, and that moving forward if we are to have a relationship it will be that... .a relationship.  The words that come out of her mouth are some of the most hurtful words I have heard and that it's ok to feel hurt or mad, but those are not words you can take back.  Her emotions are hers to manage, no one else's. 

I want to tell her that I respect any decision she makes, but the whole going 7 months not speaking to us/talking poorly about us/not caring about what's going on with is then suddenly needing us in her life has got to stop.

My H and I are talking about having kids hopefully in the near future and I want my kids to have  aunts.  I will never explain to a child that their aunt is not speaking to mommy and daddy right now so he/she can't see or talk to her.

I also want to explain to her that if she has an issue with something I did, I would like her to come to me about it. We are both adults and I can handle constructive criticism.  What I will not handle is when she is going to my H and ranting about how disgusting of a person I am.

So that's my strategy (for right now).  Not sure if it's good or bad, but it combines the things I have read on here with my personal experience of interacting with her. I don't feel like I have many expectations and I also think my boundaries are human decency. 

I am scared to have her back in my life again.  She explodes over the most random things.  She is manipulative and will do things to purposefully hurt people in the family. She can be downright nasty and there is no telling what will set that off.  Last time, it was because I posted a picture of my H, their dad, and their brother standing together on Christmas. 

I feel like I could breathe and be happy and enjoy myself when she was NC with us. That being said, I know that I would like a relationship with my sister-in-law.  What that looks like/is she capable/does she want a relationship with me? No clue.