All hell breaking loose... Feel my mind losing it... UBPD loved one

[RJ2018]

Hello, all,

I first want to apologize, as I know I've been very in and out of these boards, and I always greatly appreciate the time and patience posters -- especially those most frequent and dedicated -- take to thoughtfully comment and make suggestions on my posts, even if I don't always get a chance to follow up. I will continue to read and follow up on your comments as often as I can, but I particularly would like to apologize when I'm not always able. I also apologize for the rather lengthy post that is to come. A lot has happened, and it's difficult to keep things brief.

That said... .

I am currently at the hospital. It is almost 11am, and I've been here since about 6am. Before that, I was at the magistrate's office, working on having my uBPD mom involuntarily committed, since 4am. Before that, we were at my apartment going back and forth with the police and a mental-health professional dispatched to our location since 1 or 2am. And before that, off and on for several hours, my mom was escalating... .to the point when I just couldn't take it anymore.

Also, after she managed to get through one of the locked doors leading to my bedroom after I asked her countlessly to please leave me alone, return to her room, and let go whatever she was insisting on saying (she had come to my room and insisted I come out to speak to her three or four previous times before that, and every time, I did... .but on the fourth or fifth time, especially with everything she had to say up until then being negative, critical, and unproductive, I refused... and that was when things escalated and she wouldn't let it go or leave), I tried to get her to not come in my room by blocking her from entering. Fast-forward to us both being at the magistrate's office, and she's deciding to press charges against me for "assault," indicating marks on her arms, scratches (which the police and mental-health professional even indicated to me in private clearly seemed self-inflicted and not plausible from her story), and an "almost black eye" (one of the officers just noted what seemed to be a scratch near her eye). And now I have a court appearance in October. (-__-) And she is here.

And here is the thing... .I am just so, so, so tired. Exhausted (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) doesn't even begin to describe.

For those who have followed my few posts since I joined earlier this year, I know it wasn't recommended or at least a concern of her of some of you (as well as my friends) coming to stay with me in her being homeless, unemployed, undiagnosed, untreated, and notoriously a loose cannon, but it seemed this was her last hope and my brother and I had tried to have faith that it might help... .or at least, if it didn't, we would know once and for all that we tried literally everything... .before completely giving up.

I'm about at the point that I completely give up.

I'm considering more seriously now than ever the "No Contact" idea, thinking of very drastic ways to enforce it, including even breaking my apartment lease to move somewhere she doesn't know, changing my phone number, and changing all of my social media. And of course letting everyone we mutually have in common know and to not contact me about her under any especially non-truly-urgent (as in literally life or death) circumstances.

I've also had very sad thoughts of whether going on to live this life with her is better than living at all or better than her living. It's gotten that bad. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe it.

What is most frustrating at the moment is all of the present reality and circumstances. She is at this hospital involuntarily. First, it isn't a mental-health hospital but was the facility assigned by the magistrate -- presumably due to proximity and perhaps also the main mental-health facility of the city tending to be at capacity these days, from what I hear. I could have just gone home after I left the magistrate's office with my court date (for the bogus "assault" accusation) and knew she was headed here, but I wanted to be able to speak with her psychiatrist to at least provide more information about her condition, background, and circumstances leading up to today. And so I came here. I don't think she knows I'm here. I have no desire to see her -- just to talk to the professionals working with her. But she is, and therefore I am, basically waiting for a psychiatrist to be assigned to her. And they currently don't have any available on staff, so it's going to be a "tele"-psych -- a psych evaluation completed with a professional by video. I have no clue when this will happen or if I will even be able to speak with the person separately once it does, I'm operating on an hour of off-on sleep, I'm supposed to be working right now, my dog has been in the car (I didn't trust leaving her at my apartment with my mom, especially with my door having a dead bolt, as long as I thought my mom was staying there tonight) since I got here this morning, and so... .needless to say, I really need to go. But I know if I go and the psychiatrist just speaks with her without my input, he/she probably will think my mom is not severe, will recommend outpatient therapy, and maybe just suggest her having depression and/or anxiety. Ironically, this is almost exactly what happened just a week and a half or so ago when she actually voluntarily checked herself into a facility before coming to stay with me. The facility also didn't have a psychiatrist on staff and so she had to speak with one remotely, and my brother and I were able to talk to a social worker in the pre-screening for the psych eval, but that ended up being it. I'd left to go home to go to sleep since we'd been waiting hours and it was getting very late (like 2am), and she ended up speaking with the psychiatrist and then showing up at my place a few hours after I'd left, at 6am, saying she'd been released and was ready to come now. (-__-) (-__-) (-__-)

And I never saw those discharge papers or was able to find out directly from the professionals what specifically they said, diagnosed or recommended -- just had to go from her version of events. And of course, she said the psychiatrist said she didn't believe my mom suffers from bipolar disorder and thinks she just suffers from depression... .and gave her a list of outpatient resources to pursue on her own. Supposedly.

So basically, that ended up feeling mostly like a waste.

And now... .I'm getting the feeling that especially since I keep being asked if my mom has recently made any specific threats to herself or others, implying that is the only way they will take her seriously and have her admitted inpatient long-term, even if/when I do speak to the psychiatrist she is assigned to here, not much again will come of it and she'll likely be released within a day or maybe a few days at the max. and just mainly recommended voluntary outpatient therapy. And for circumstances only further and exceptionally frustrating... .Apparently because I'd previously indicated to her that she could live with me for a period while she gets herself together and as per the laws of the state we live in and even though she's been there for only a week and a half so far, I would have to actually go through a lengthy, potentially costly eviction process to be able to legally get her to leave at this point. And so she can, and likely will, likely return to my place upon her release. And there is nothing I can legally do about it in the immediate future.

And so I'll have this woman, mostly undiagnosed and untreated and clearly willing to say and do whatever -- including getting me in trouble with the law based on lies, and already has  -- and who isn't on the lease or paying any rent, able to continue living under my same roof until further notice and I'm able to (hopefully successfully, and I'm sure that will not be simple to accomplish) have her legally evicted.

Anyone wanna know the definition of hell? I'm living it.

[Harri]

Hi RJ.

Have you been able to talk with a social working at the hospital?  I ask because they should be able to guide you to resources available. 

Your mother is a threat to your safety if she is getting through locked doors to get to you.  She accused you of criminal behavior.  I would think, though I am not an expert, that these factors would support you in saying you feel threatened and do not want her in your home after she is released.  I am not trying to worry you on this I am simply looking at the facts you presented here.  I don't think you can be forced to take her in though check that.

In your other thread I referred you to the Law board we have here as I think they might be better able to help you.  Not that you should not post here, but they have more knowledge about the law in general.

Keep us posted.

[Turkish]

Is there adult protective services where you are? 

[Harri]

Excellent suggestion Turkish!

[Star0009]

Every lock on every door in my Mom's house is busted from when her ex husband lived there. He took all the abuse while I stayed silent. Now that she lives alone I know I  cannot visit because I would be attacked. My Mom busted in the door, attacked me almost every other night and held me down smothering my mouth when I was 12 then called the cops on me saying I was an out of control teen. I moved out and never moved back. You have done lots and this will continue until you can get her out of your house. If successful treatment is even possible she needs to get there on her own. You can't save her. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You may be able to help her better from a distance. The closer I let my Mom the worse the boundaries get broken. Remember give yrself love and take care of yrself!

[RJ2018]

Hi RJ.

Have you been able to talk with a social working at the hospital?  I ask because they should be able to guide you to resources available. 

Your mother is a threat to your safety if she is getting through locked doors to get to you.  She accused you of criminal behavior.  I would think, though I am not an expert, that these factors would support you in saying you feel threatened and do not want her in your home after she is released.  I am not trying to worry you on this I am simply looking at the facts you presented here.  I don't think you can be forced to take her in though check that.

In your other thread I referred you to the Law board we have here as I think they might be better able to help you.  Not that you should not post here, but they have more knowledge about the law in general.

Keep us posted.

Hey, Harri!

Thank you for your feedback. I have spoken with several people who have worked with her both during her voluntary stay at one hospital almost two weeks ago and then again at her involuntary one at this recent one. Resident physicians, nurses, social workers, and other mental-health professionals. This time, I really have been trying to give a bunch of information to every single person who works with her so to that they can keep it in mind when assessing and trying to treat her and to pass on to whatever psychiatrists are working with her. They decided yesterday to keep her overnight for observation, and I know she was to speak to be seen by another psychiatrist earlier today, but I'm not sure with what has happened since earlier today. And of course since she isn't granting them permission to give me any information or updates on her and I have no desire to speak to her directly now, there isn't much way for me to know anything. I just know that she's OK overall, and I of course have at least been just trying to give them as much information about her as possible.

But I think you may have been asking if I've spoken with a social worker for resources for her instead of her having to come back to my place? In that case, no, I haven't. I will say, though, that her nurse I spoke with today indicated confidence that the psychiatrist wouldn't "release her back to me" before first speaking with me, especially after what happened the other night. So although I'm not sure of it, hopefully that will be the case.

And I will be sure to check out the law resources you shared. Thank you!

[RJ2018]

Is there adult protective services where you are? 

I actually am unsure of that but will look into it. Thank you for the suggestion!

Every lock on every door in my Mom's house is busted from when her ex husband lived there. He took all the abuse while I stayed silent. Now that she lives alone I know I  cannot visit because I would be attacked. My Mom busted in the door, attacked me almost every other night and held me down smothering my mouth when I was 12 then called the cops on me saying I was an out of control teen. I moved out and never moved back. You have done lots and this will continue until you can get her out of your house. If successful treatment is even possible she needs to get there on her own. You can't save her. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You may be able to help her better from a distance. The closer I let my Mom the worse the boundaries get broken. Remember give yrself love and take care of yrself!

Yes, you're completely right, and this last incident has shown me that. At this point, I'm not sure what she isn't liable of when it comes to her trying to have the upper hand, be in control and "right," protect her pride, etc., so... .yeah. I really have to think about myself (and brother) now more than ever. And I can totally relate in that the closer my mom and I are, the worse the boundaries are broken and her expectations are unrealistic and unfair. It's really like all or nothing with her, and it's really sad and sucks a whole, whole lot. But... .this is my reality. Now I really have to do what is most best for me... .and just continue to pray for her... .and leave it at that.

[Turkish]

It doesn't sound safe for you to be alone with her unsupervised.  Given that, you also may not be able to provide the safe care that she needs.  That's how it ended up with my mom and me, though not quite as dramatic a story. 

[Harri]

Have you been able to get some rest?  I was concerned yesterday evening and almost asked then and realized it was only about 4 hours after you had posted.  I told myself to give you time!    Just know I have been thinking of you.

I am relieved to hear they said it is doubtful your mom will be released to you.  when I was asking if you had talked with anyone like a SW from the hospital, I was thinking more about finding out what your options are and suggestions on how to protect yourself.  Right now you mom is in the best place possible and they are best equipped to help her now and in the future.  I would not want to be alone with her.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello RJ2018,

I’m sorry all this has come to pass. I know you really wanted things to go in a positive direction and not turn out this way. I understand how upset and exhausted you must feel. Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you process and recover.

I will say, though, that her nurse I spoke with today indicated confidence that the psychiatrist wouldn't "release her back to me" before first speaking with me, especially after what happened the other night.

I think it’s going to be crucial for you to clearly state that it is NOT SAFE for your mother to return to your home. It’s not safe for you because your mother is not respecting your boundaries to the degree that she’s trumping up bogus charges against you. And it’s not safe for her because you have the right to protect yourself if she gets out of control which she’s clearly demonstrated that she does and likely will again if given an opportunity.

I hope you’ve been able to rest a bit.    How are you feeling today?

L2T

[RJ2018]

To everyone: My recent update: "Now she's begging me... .(**uBPD loved one** )"

It doesn't sound safe for you to be alone with her unsupervised.  Given that, you also may not be able to provide the safe care that she needs.  That's how it ended up with my mom and me, though not quite as dramatic a story.  

Very good point. I agree.

Have you been able to get some rest?  I was concerned yesterday evening and almost asked then and realized it was only about 4 hours after you had posted.  I told myself to give you time!    Just know I have been thinking of you.

I am relieved to hear they said it is doubtful your mom will be released to you.  when I was asking if you had talked with anyone like a SW from the hospital, I was thinking more about finding out what your options are and suggestions on how to protect yourself.  Right now you mom is in the best place possible and they are best equipped to help her now and in the future.  I would not want to be alone with her.

Hey, Harri! I just responded to your recent reply to my recent post about her call to me today  I do need to get more rest, for sure. And yes, if she is released anytime soon, you're right -- I do need to find out from the staff what exactly they suggest to protect myself if she's expected to come back to live with me. She claimed to them that she wouldn't come back to live with me but would go to her sister's a few hours away (although I was unclear if that would be temporarily or for a longer period of time), but  of course she says a lot of things she doesn't always mean or follow through on, so I was and still am skeptical that that would really be the case once she leaves. So yes, if it comes to her leaving anytime soon, I'll be sure to find out what I can about the position it'll possibly put me in then.

Hello RJ2018,

I’m sorry all this has come to pass. I know you really wanted things to go in a positive direction and not turn out this way. I understand how upset and exhausted you must feel. Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you process and recover.

I think it’s going to be crucial for you to clearly state that it is NOT SAFE for your mother to return to your home. It’s not safe for you because your mother is not respecting your boundaries to the degree that she’s trumping up bogus charges against you. And it’s not safe for her because you have the right to protect yourself if she gets out of control which she’s clearly demonstrated that she does and likely will again if given an opportunity.

I hope you’ve been able to rest a bit.    How are you feeling today?

L2T

Thank you for your very kind words! And yes, you are completely right. To your point as well as someone else's (Harri's?) from an earlier reply, I have been thinking about this landlord/tenant law stuff and my mom's condition and our recent incident almost separately, and I have to try to stop, as I'm sure that landlord/tenant law takes the assumption that the environment is a safe one for all involved parties and all parties tend to be in a stable, non-confrontational state of mind at all times. So, as I mentioned in my reply to Harri above, if it does get to the point where she is released from the hospital anytime soon or they are considering it, I will underscore more firmly the lack of safety for either of us in her returning to my home.


I need to remember all of this! Thank you. All of you!