Legal guardianship over loved one (especially if parent) with BPD or uBPD...?

[RJ2018]

I'm currently at another crossroads with my uBPD (see my most previous post detailing the current situation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329109.0).

I'm leaning towards starting the eviction process for her to have to legally leave my apartment, and I would likely at that point finally begin trying "no contact."

The only other major option I haven't yet done/tried is trying to get legal guardianship (and/or power of attorney) over her... .so that I am able to know about all of her medical and mental-health details and can make decisions in those areas on her behalf.

Does anyone have any experience with this with your loved one, especially if a parent, with BPD or uBPD? Do you recommend it? If you could go back, would you do it again or no? Has it seemed to make any or a big difference in their commitment to treatment and overall improvement or no? If you were able to read up on my current circumstances detailed in my previous post, would you say there is any point or hope in trying that route or it might be better to stick to eviction and no contact? What are your thoughts and suggestion/advice?

I'm very open and curious to get the input of anyone who has been through this particular area of dealing with a loved one with mental illness. Thank you.

[Harri]

hi RJ2018.

I have no experience with this and I do not recall any recent posts on this board about the same or similar issue.  I am sorry I can't be of more help.  I do wonder if you posted this same question over on the Family Law board if the collective wisdom there, which is considerable, might be able to guide you.

Here is a link to the Family Law board on our site: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I also just read your other post and will respond there as well. 

hang in

[RJ2018]

hi RJ2018.

I have no experience with this and I do not recall any recent posts on this board about the same or similar issue.  I am sorry I can't be of more help.  I do wonder if you posted this same question over on the Family Law board if the collective wisdom there, which is considerable, might be able to guide you.

Here is a link to the Family Law board on our site: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I also just read your other post and will respond there as well. 

hang in

Thanks, Harri! I'll check that board out, although after talking more about it with my brother, I think we're going to lean against not going this route and instead focus on me having her evicted from my apartment -- or otherwise not being able to come back -- and possibly and eventually, No Contact. She's just gonna have to help herself... .before we all drown!

[Harri]

I think your decision is sound.  I wonder though if a legal eviction process is necessary given the medical crisis and present state of affairs.  Just thinking about cost management.  If she is a danger to you and a threat, I can't see you having to allow her back in your home. 

 

She's just gonna have to help herself... .before we all drown!

Yes.  It is so hard to let go but I think you have to.

[Turkish]

I'm leaning towards starting the eviction process for her to have to legally leave my apartment, and I would likely at that point finally begin trying "no contact."

The only other major option I haven't yet done/tried is trying to get legal guardianship (and/or power of attorney) over her... .so that I am able to know about all of her medical and mental-health details and can make decisions in those areas on her behalf.

These are two diametrically opposed paths.  You are conflicted.

You could certainly pursue the latter course,  but it would involve the courts and your mother, because she has the right to advocate for herself.  That might be possible,  but you would have to deal with her possibly fighting for her own rights,  depending upon her mental competency, and the courts will likely lean to her favor by default. Would you be prepared for this emotionally?

I decided this summer to let my mother become a ward of the county or state. She was in a skilled care facility because she wasn't able to take care of herself.  Given her past accusations of elder abuse, both physically and financially when she was living with me and the kids two years ago,   I was done. 

Objectively, I was safe at this point from her accusations that I was stealing her money,  it was investigated and dismissed,  but given that I didn't want anything to do with her finances. That would have been only getting POA to access her bank account and pay the nursing home. I turned it over to the county/state.

I was copied court documents which mentioned me "unwilling" or "unable" to advocate for my mom.  I felt guilt,  but these were template forms. So now she has a government advocate. I'm out of the loop. 

Ten years ago I was so frustrated with how she was screwing up her life that I mentioned taking her to court to get her declared incompetent.  Not one of my best moments,  but she replied,  "I'd like to see you try!"

*sigh*

It ended up exactly as she feared, rather dying than ending up in a home and her independence taken from her. 

I still feel guilty,  but she's safe and so am I.

[Learning2Thrive]

I think your decision is sound.  I wonder though if a legal eviction process is necessary given the medical crisis and present state of affairs.  Just thinking about cost management.  If she is a danger to you and a threat, I can't see you having to allow her back in your home.

This highlighted part. I’m pretty sure Harri is correct.

Years ago when I was taking a handgun safety and self defense course, my instructor told me, “If someone invades your home, you immediately go to your safe place (with your gun and your phone and your loved ones), you call 911 and be very clear in saying, “Someone has broken into my home, I am in fear for my life and I have a licenced gun to protect myself/family.”

My instructor told me that saying the highlighted part is critical for getting law enforcement to the scene immediately. I have since spoken with law enforcement officers that I know and they have all agreed.

How does this relate to you? Well, just as law enforcement places a priority of safety when they know a firearm is involved, medical professionals must place a priority on safety when they are made aware that abuse is involved.

RJ2018, you’ve done more than most people would given the circumstances, much like our wonderful Turkish. Your mom is in a safe place for the moment. I encourage you to think in terms of how you might best keep both of you safe when considering future plans.

Sending you gentle hugs and compassion,

  L2T

[RJ2018]

To everyone: My recent update: "Now she's begging me... .(**uBPD loved one** )"

I think your decision is sound.  I wonder though if a legal eviction process is necessary given the medical crisis and present state of affairs.  Just thinking about cost management.  If she is a danger to you and a threat, I can't see you having to allow her back in your home.  

 
 Yes.  It is so hard to let go but I think you have to.

Very true. And yes, I'll need to look more into my legal obligations given the particular circumstances and her mental condition. I'm glad you're mentioning that. I deeeeeefinitely have no interest in going to court to have her legally evicted -- especially since I already will also have to go to court for the false assault allegations she made (-__-) (-__-) (-__-)

So I will definitely research more my options. And hopefully she will continue to be in the hospital for at least a little while to give me more time to do so and decide whatever I do. My brother also asked how a restraining order might factor into whatever legal obligation that landlord/tenant law references, so yeah... .there are several things for me to look into. I'll likely consult a lawyer as well.

These are two diametrically opposed paths.  You are conflicted.

You could certainly pursue the latter course,  but it would involve the courts and your mother, because she has the right to advocate for herself.  That might be possible,  but you would have to deal with her possibly fighting for her own rights,  depending upon her mental competency, and the courts will likely lean to her favor by default. Would you be prepared for this emotionally?

Not at all. Not to mention, my brother made a good point that if we do go that route and are able to obtain legal guardianship, there is a good chance that she could/would later try to sue or otherwise punish us for not sufficiently attending to her medical and/or financial needs, making sure her bills are paid, etc. during that time. (-__-) (-__-) (-__-) So... .yeah. And as you and my best friend mentioned, I know it wouldn't even be an easy or quick thing to have done. With all of that and considering how she is and what all I've been through with and done for her thus far, I'm thinking it isn't really worth all of the extra trouble.

Ten years ago I was so frustrated with how she was screwing up her life that I mentioned taking her to court to get her declared incompetent.  Not one of my best moments,  but she replied,  "I'd like to see you try!"

*sigh*

It ended up exactly as she feared, rather dying than ending up in a home and her independence taken from her.  

I still feel guilty,  but she's safe and so am I.

Yes, I totally feel that. And that is what I will have to keep in mind while mine proceeds to be inpatient longer-term and hopefully gets the help she needs with professionals surrounding and working with her more intensely and regularly. I pray.

[RJ2018]

This highlighted part. I’m pretty sure Harri is correct.

Years ago when I was taking a handgun safety and self defense course, my instructor told me, “If someone invades your home, you immediately go to your safe place (with your gun and your phone and your loved ones), you call 911 and be very clear in saying, “Someone has broken into my home, I am in fear for my life and I have a licenced gun to protect myself/family.”

My instructor told me that saying the highlighted part is critical for getting law enforcement to the scene immediately. I have since spoken with law enforcement officers that I know and they have all agreed.

How does this relate to you? Well, just as law enforcement places a priority of safety when they know a firearm is involved, medical professionals must place a priority on safety when they are made aware that abuse is involved.

RJ2018, you’ve done more than most people would given the circumstances, much like our wonderful Turkish. Your mom is in a safe place for the moment. I encourage you to think in terms of how you might best keep both of you safe when considering future plans.

Sending you gentle hugs and compassion,

  L2T

Excellent points and perspective, L2T. I will come back to these few threads frequently in the future if ever I feel myself wavering or unsure of how to move forward with my mom, especially if she's facing being released from the hospital anytime soon. THANK YOU! For both your wise words and advice and your compassion.