The more I find out about BPD, the more I realise it is not giving me definitive answers

[Chitchat]

The more I find out about BPD, the more I realise it is not giving me definitive answers, BasementDweller. But I do believe my x loved me in ways on an adult level, but couldn't act on the love because of past trauma.

When I was getting the final discard, she came round to give me back everything I'd ever given.

She went to the edge with recriminations for not having given her more. This was despite her having 'finished' with me (denying we had ever been in a relationship) long before I gave her most of it. She had anyway obtained all of it under false pretences. Giving it back would leave her with nothing of her own for three months. She insisted on paying back money in monthly instalments, and insisted I take her transport when I refused money. I refused that. She came round with most of the second installment of money 20 days early, hurling vicious abuse in my face and hitting my hands into my face so that I had to put up a guard. She had been trying to incite me to violence for several months. I began to shout back, but ended up embracing her instead. She tried to embrace me back but crumpled to the ground, curled into a ball, sobbing as I hugged her. The final discard of final discards was over in an instant. The intense rage was only an intense plea for love. She accepted the money back and initiated sex, I fear by way of repayment. Three times during reconciliations she approached me backwards, protecting her body and head, or allowed herself to be approached that way. I'm told this is how infants with disorganised attachment styles approach their caregivers. Unfortunately, they are also known to walk up to strangers and ask to go home with them because no-one loves them. Going with a stranger is what my partner likely did as soon as she could after our reconciliation. She appeared to become the covert narcissist the moment she got the love she wanted. Her quick switches to narcissism are the reason I don't expect she will change any time soon. But with distance from the borderline triggers, maybe, just maybe, she will break the cycle. And I may work on myself sufficiently to recover my defences.

Sorry if I drifted a bit there, BasementDweller. What a horrible thought. I keep hoping.

[Cromwell]

Hi ChitChat

There is no definitive answers in psychology anyway, it is all theory based.

Thats not to say that I havent learned a huge amount and been persuaded by a lot, but what sort of answers are you looking for? It did help me to become more understanding, yet as you said, nothing definitive. Whats left to work with?

How the behaviour affected me, my feelings and what I should have and could still do about it.

Having clear goals helped me the most during recovery. The biggest help I got was to share what I went through and have so many others give their perspective. I suppose the more I researched the more clinical and sterile my perceptions moved towards, my understanding became less emotive-centred than it relying on before to make sense of it all. It helped, the process of understanding, and it became eventually enough for me to justify that it is a serious disorder regardless of not having every question answered fully that I had for it.

[31yrs BPD spouse]

I was married 31 years to a BPD and I am just now learning and understanding how to deal with it. I covered I triangulated I did everything to cover my wife's behavior at my expense thinking I was doing the right thing. I was an enabler and codependent. Now we are separated and I set clear boundaries. The other difficult part my wife is narcissistic.

For me reading Stop Walking on Eggshells was like reading a novel on my life and wife. The issue there is no solution unless the BPD wants it. My wife DOES NOT WANT IT BECAUSE IT IS EVERYONE ELSE PROBLEM NEVER HERS.

My current job is to educate our three adult kids to deal with their BPD mother. That's all I can do.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, ChitChat -

That sounds absolutely terrible and heartbreaking to have to endure. To see someone you care about in that childlike and desperate state is horrible and you feel gutted. I remember seeing my partner like this too. Lashing out in rage one second, and sobbing in my arms like a wounded child that's just been rescued from a war zone, the next. One of our last encounters in the house we used to share was like this. He screamed abuse at me, then fell at my feet sobbing and begging me to hold him. I still get tears in my eyes when I remember that.

How long ago was this event that you described? (I apologize if you mentioned it elsewhere and I missed that.) Do you have any idea how she is doing now? Are you in contact at all?

[MeandThee29]

I was married 31 years to a BPD and I am just now learning and understanding how to deal with it. I covered I triangulated I did everything to cover my wife's behavior at my expense thinking I was doing the right thing. I was an enabler and codependent. Now we are separated and I set clear boundaries. The other difficult part my wife is narcissistic.

For me reading Stop Walking on Eggshells was like reading a novel on my life and wife. The issue there is no solution unless the BPD wants it. My wife DOES NOT WANT IT BECAUSE IT IS EVERYONE ELSE PROBLEM NEVER HERS.

My current job is to educate our three adult kids to deal with their BPD mother. That's all I can do.

Twenty-five years for me with the same sort of thing. I see now that it was there all along but went full-bloom in the last five or so. I kept thinking that if I just did everything right, he would be better. Nope. It went it's way. I had an NPD mother, so I was very attractive to him in away that others were not. I also thought that I was over that, but of course I wasn't.

And a year out from separation and beginning to see this for what it is, I can say that indeed BPD isn't definite. You also will probably learn more about relationships and yourself than you can imagine. Mine had many of the markers for years and then developed more after we separated. His feelings of abandonment seem to largely drive him now. He wants to erase us and yet he wants us. It's really strange thinking.

Recently a friend commented that dealing with this at this stage is hard, but I can make myself "right" in a way that I never was, and my college kids have an opportunity to heal and get themselves into a position that they know what to watch in their relationships. I didn't have that advantage, but now I can see it as it is.

[31yrs BPD spouse]

The other interesting fact is for my spouse the BPD stemmed from rejection and abandonment suffered in her life. She was rejected by her family at the age of 16. Two weeks after we were married, at the age of 25, she was diagnosed with MS. Thus having situation whereby she could not control she became an absolute control freak. I was  not allowed to go to the store and buy anything without her approval. Looking back, I can clearly see the issues from day one. But I covered and triangulated for her. So she never had to face and deal with her behavior. A friend of mine or ours for 10 plus years: we went to social events, book club, traveled, etc., said he and his wife (only told me because of the pending divorce) made a decision that my wife was just too toxic to hang around and they would decline any future activities.

It is a little depressing that there is very little to ZERO we can do for he BPD unless they themselves seek help. I guess it is sort of like an drug or alcoholic? They have to hit bottom before a change. I truly believe the only way for my wife to get it is to remove her rescuer and protector from the picture. It will be interesting.