Feeling Hopeless about BPD Partner

[TheMissingPeace]

Hello,
I’m new to this group. More and more I am seeing BPD traits in my partner of 4.5 years. He is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and we have lots of fun together and riveting conversations. The problem is that if there is ever any conflict or I try to express negative emotions, even gently and calmly, that have to do with him or his behavior, he blows up irrationally and disproportionately at me. More and more I feel that I am not “allowed” to ever challenge him or express when I’ve been hurt by him. I’ve described it to him that it’s like he becomes this rapidly expanding balloon of energy that completely pushes me out of the room — that there is no space for me and I cannot bring my whole self to the marriage. I find myself lying to him about silly, inconsequential things just to avoid a blowout.

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel hope that he can hear me and modify his behavior. His emotions and irrationality seem too overpowering. I left the house and am staying with a friend and feel so much more at peace, though I deeply grieve the relationship and both the realities and dreams around the good things we had. He wants me to come home, but i don’t see any reason to. I’m tired of continuing to invest in the good times when I am just waiting for the next bad blowout that will never get resolved, as the past blowouts have not been resolved and there is little if any progress to show for them. .

Has anyone experienced their BPD partner finally hearing the real issues and making changes/healing/growing accordingly? I’ve read that high functioning BPDs are even more resistant to change and to DBT treatment, and i fear that this is the case for my husband. He will rationalize his irrational and extreme feelings to no end, and he makes me out to be the irrational and metnally ill partner when i try to correct his distortions orncorrect his presumptions about what I am thinking or feeling.

It has gotten to the point where it is starting to feel emotionally abusive as he says nasty things about me when i refuse to stoop to that same level of nastiness and name calling. He never addresses these behaviors afterwards or apologizes for them.  I have set strict limits physically as there was a previous concern about him being physically aggressive, and I won’t let myself be in harm’s way. I am concerned mainly about the emotional wounds he continues to inflict.

Thank you for reading and for any experience or insight you might share. I imagine it will be helpful just to feel less alone in all of this.

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[pearlsw]

Hi TheMissingPeace,



I am not sure how familiar you are yet with the workings of this site, but there are a lot of lessons to the right of the board here that should help you make better sense of what you are experiencing in your relationship. It takes time to absorb it all as our situations are so nuanced and there can be both a lot of variety and commonality between our situations.

It can feel very hard to live like this. Many members would echo these sentiments. It may be possible to improve the dynamic using the array of tools mentioned here.

Which traits are you seeing in your partner? Has ever taken any medication for his mood swings?

It takes time, but you may be able to establish more space for having your own feelings and not feeling so limited. Walking on eggshells is no way to live!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi TheMissingPeace,

Joining pearlsw in welcoming you!  Seconding her that through the tools and community here, you can find a lot of space for yourself you didn't even know existed.

I strongly suggest that in addition to checking out the workshops, you start posting on other members threads to start gaining some context.

Has anyone experienced their BPD partner finally hearing the real issues and making changes/healing/growing accordingly?

The short answer is yes, but it's a long story and far from complete. I will be happy to bring it out in this thread piece by piece.

Would you be comfortable to share more about the physical concerns?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[livednlearned]

It takes a lot of strength to set a physical boundary like you did, and to decide that you won't allow yourself to be put in harm's way.  

There are specific relationship and communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned. You already seem to instinctively know how to take care of yourself, which is job #1 when you are in a BPD relationship.

He won't have a strong enough sense of self to handle even the slightest criticisms, especially coming from someone he loves. His instinct will be to defend that weak/no sense of self at all costs, otherwise he is nothing.

It is not personal, though I know how deeply it hurts.

When he calls you names, he is trying to regulate the environment, albeit in a very unskilled way. He feels awful, and it is easier to manage those feelings when you feel that way, too. Then he is at least not alone, which is worse than feeling bad. Sometimes the best thing to do is mention (during peace times) that you feel sad when people yell at you. That going forward, you will not be yelled at because it makes you sad, and when you feel sad, you become overwhelmed. If you are yelled at, you will give yourself a time out so you can manage your emotions. Once you are calmed down, you will return.

This gives you the same outcome that you want by focusing on his behaviors, which only makes him defensive and meaner. Instead of focusing on him, you focus on yourself, and what you need and want, and how you will manage and take care of your self.

On some level, he knows he is hurting you. What he really needs and wants is for you to have the strength to protect yourself.

The research on intense emotion does suggest that people who dysregulate to the degree that someone with BPD dysregulates, likely do not have clear memories about what did or did not happen. That, plus, the weak/no sense of self means he will have coping mechanism to dispense of unpleasant memories that may be confounding to those of us who can regulate our emotions.

[TheMissingPeace]

Hi all,

Thank you for the warm welcome and for responding to my post -- it already helps me to feel less alone and more hopeful about life in general.

Pearlsw: I am not very familiar with the site yet, and I look forward to looking up the tools and workshops as you recommended. Whether things will work out with my partner or not, I want to learn and utilize tools that help me to do my best with the 50% I contribute to the relationship.

My husband has historically been on an SSRI that does make an observable difference in his mood regulation. Occasionally he goes off of it to give his body a break and avoid having to continually go up on his dose, and I always notice right away when he's off of it! He becomes more dysregulated, more egocentric, goes on long negative, complaining tirades. Very interesting. A couples therapist recently recommended we consider a mood stabilizer, but my husband was offended by this and now refuses to go back to the counselor.

It is helping me to take lots of space for myself at this time.

[TheMissingPeace]

RolandOfEld, thank you for the warm welcome and the insight!

I will take your advice of posting on others' threads. I am quickly seeing how invaluable the give and take in this community is.

The concern around the physical piece is that my partner did hurt me once by lifting me off the bed and dropping me on the floor. I had been upset with him over something he did and he didn't take it well. Things escalated quickly, and while I did not become physical towards him, he did me. He now knows that I will call for help and not tolerate that kind of behavior though. He has expressed feeling badly about what he did. He has frightened me a bit since then by not leaving a room when I ask him to leave or coming towards me even after I told him to stop, and he only ceased when I called someone on my phone or called out for help. Such interactions are a large reason why I am considering whether the relationship can ever be healthy enough for me to try to make it work. I am ambivalent but also know I will do what I have to do to keep myself safe and that I will not bring children into this kind of environment.

Also, to respond to a missed question from Pearlsw: the BPD type traits I see are the following:
- extreme emotion dysregulation
- not seeming to remember what he says or does and does not accept personal responsibility or apologize or work to resolve it afterwards
- immediately externalizing and blaming me when I try to address a behavior of his that is hurtful or even just mildly annoying
- projecting irrational thoughts and emotions onto me, or presuming I think and feel things that I entirely do not, but he does not seem to believe me when I correct his distortions
- free floating anxiety

He does not have a history of self harm, but has a history of using substances probably too much to emotionally regulate. He has some history of getting into trouble at work or training programs for his emotion dysregulation and seeming to pick fights with colleagues he disagrees with, or takes things personally when colleagues are just following protocol and it happens to makes things inconvenient for him. He has a long history of unsuccessful relationships and a previous marriage and seems to occasionally show a glimmer of self awareness that his emotion dysregulation has been a problem throughout. He has said things to me like "I'm too old to change" and "I don't know what you people want from me." It's very sad. He clearly wants to be in relationship but doesn't seem to know how to be in a healthy, sustainable way. 

[TheMissingPeace]

Livednlearned,

Thank you so much for your insight into my interactions with my husband. Everything you said makes sense, it is just difficult to accept sometimes. I especially am trying to grasp what it means to have a weak sense of self. My husband seems like such a strong, self-assured person most of the time, it baffles me when he acts so threatened by the most minute of feedback that I try to give. I will continue to reflect on and research this aspect of BPD.

I will also research these communication skills/strategies you mentioned, as my normal approach to having difficult conversations with someone does not work with my husband. I have seen as you said that addressing things during peace times can be more effective, though. I will continue to take time outs, walk away, and protect myself when he becomes too dysregulated for anything productive to be accomplished.

Thank you again for replying. I really appreciate it and am bolstered by it.

[Radcliff]

TheMissingPeace,

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?  Are you still living with your friend?

RC

[Nauriel]

Hi themissingpiece, I'm new to this page also. I share a similar story to yours but with it's own unique twists. Thank you for sharing and thank you to all that replied. It really helps to know I am not alone either. I would love to hear how you are doing and if anything has helped in your current situation.
Nauriel