the roller coaster at full speed, no breaks

[bluek9]

  Hi everyone,

     Bluek9 here for here my much needed check in. Yes really the emotional roller coaster is going full speed, up, down, round and round, no sign of slowing down   Seems like at this point all I can do is hold on tighter and come here to vent all the craziness.

      Just a few days ago after much process and a nuclear melt down, I thought things were going steady. I was getting ready to post a positive up date. I mean things are going from positive to ultra negative on a daily basis, it makes my head spin 

     My D stepped up, said she would actually accept the situation going on with me needing to move my mom in for care. My D has done that, helping with JJ (my grandson) by getting him on the bus every morning. There has actually been 2 times in the last 4 days that she has done something to self sabotage. Both with finances, I gotta say despite the sabotage she really pulled herself through. Not surprisingly she went to being demanding of me and attention, very surprisingly she stopped herself short of a meltdown. I have to give her props for that! Going up ^

   Then going down v My mom fell again, re-hurting herself. We are still doing wound care 3 times a week. She wants so bad to walk independently (stubborn) hence the fall yesterday.

   Back ^ again, I did get her to concede to not bringing my dad back home again after she gets healed. I finally got her to understand that there is no way she will ever be able to provide the 24/7 care he needs. And that the facility he is in can do that.

  Back v again. My bully brother actually moved his girlfriend into my moms home after she told him 3 times NO. Then he came to my house to give her an ultimatum. Either she puts him on the power of attorney with me and puts him back in the will, or he will just take off for good!
REALLY? I said BYE see you later. Of course he has to remind me that this is between her and him, not me. 

   Still down, I find out yesterday that my good friend is dying of stage 4 cancer, I'm so very sad.

   Right now I'm doing my best to stabilize myself. I look for the good things, I'm proud of my D she is doing her best to hang in there with me. I'm encouraged by my  mom letting me help her. I've got people here to share with who I know get the insanity of life sometimes. 
I'm doing what I need to do, therapy, one step at a time, one day at a time. I thank all of you for being here for me. 

   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Bluek9... .so, SO glad you keep this as one of your lifelines!

I’m running out the door but had to get this ((HUG) to you before I left.

Huat

[Lollypop]

Oh bluek9

I’m not sure what to say except breathe when you can.  I’m so sorry to hear about your dear friend - that’s a punch. It sounds as if both your daughter and mom are listening and that’s so helpful. Hugs to you

LP

[bluek9]

Thanks huat and Lollypop,

   I remind myself daily to breath, and stay connected here for my support. Yesterday I came home to find my D weeping in my room. When I asked what was going on she shared how hard being home with her grandmother is on her. When I asked what's hard she said "getting her a drink, asking if she needs anything, asking if she is comfortable". Then she said "you are at work all day" like that is my great escape or like I have nothing to do all day, like that's a luxury. Oh my gosh, she has NO IDEA what I go through. It was so heart breaking for me to see her weeping and to see just how little she is capable of dealing with. Even the smallest gestures of care and concern over load her, overwhelm her. I mean I'm so proud that she is giving her all to deal with the situation, yet at the same time it causes her so much pain. It points out such a paradox:: she needs to be protected and cared for which I will do gladly, and at the same time it points out just how much she still needs to grow for herself. Which that I will also do gladly-help her grow. The process is agonizingly slow!  
  If I can share anything with those who read and follow my story it's this. THE PROCESS IS SLOW! At the same time there is always hope, and things always change. If we are true to ourselves as parents then we do whatever we can to facilitate that process, that growth, that self awareness in ourselves and our children. I think if ever there was a test to see how strong a parent is; it would be give them a BPD child. You never what you can do until you are truly pressed with mental illness.  

[Yepanotherone]

Awwww blue, if it’s not one thing it’s another and it’s certainly storming cats and dogs  over around your end , seems like life is just throwing you one kicking after  another , just to see how much you can take .

You are doing beautifully my friend , all I can say is try your very best to hang on in there , weather this ferocious storm and stand tall and proud. This is one helluva life story you’re a part of x

On the plus , it does sound like your DD is trying her best to be somewhat sensitive to your life challenges right now and that’s all down to you

Big hugs Blue 

[Daisy123]

Hello BK9,
Thanks for the reminder that this is an extremely slow going process. It’s just a wonder that you are standing. Wow-very stressful.  I wonder how your DD will settle in with all of the care she’s providing for your mom? That should be interesting, keep us posted. As for that brother of your... .Geeez, so sorry he’s being so selfish and difficult. Is he hurt? Jealous? Threatening his mother like that says a whole lot.

I’m glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. I hope you get some much needed respite soon.

Many (( ) to you!
Daisy

[wendydarling]

Hi bluek9 

Hoping you are ok dear blue, are you? 

WDx

[bluek9]

Hi everyone,   

   Just checking in again to up date things... .  Thanks WDx for asking how I am. I'm pretty much hanging on with my finger nails, they are dug in really deep.
   So the news is my mom will need care for the long hall, not intensive but someone to be there to look after her. We started physical therapy this week and the wounds are finally healing so maybe another two weeks of that. It will still be a while until she can drive again ? Questions only because I'm not sure about that.
    Yes Daisy123, he is really a piece of work! 61 and still hasn't got his own self together. That's what a past of drug abuse will get you. He did actually move his girlfriend up from California and into my mom's house after she said absolutely NO. His problem is that both my parents decided years ago that he would get nothing from their will. Now he is all bent about it, trying his best to take over her home. 
   Any way God always has a plan for us, even if we don't know it. I've been renting the same place for the last 5 years, my landlord was just here last weekend for the yearly re-lease. And oh my goodness, everything just came crashing down. She informed me that we would have to move, they are to refurbish the house and can't do that with us living in it. Then told me that they are not sure if they will rent it out again or keep it for themselves.  OH MY can things get any more complicated?  Where I live on the central coast of Oregon is a very, very small town, population less than 1,000. Housing is so hard to come by.
    Well my mom has said that she will not go back to her own home until the brother and girlfriend are gone. WOW I thought I was going to have to kick some butt to accomplish that, literally. Which I would have happily done. Anyway mom says, well why don't you move into my place, it's plenty big enough. Thank you Lord. I just wasn't sure how my D would take that. Surprisingly she really came through. My mom has a good size back room at the back of the house that's totally separate and private, when I told D she could have that space she was good with everything. So then I told my mom she would have to be the one to inform my brother that he has to vacate. She did, and NO he did not take it well to say the least.
    Right now I don't really care how he feels or what he thinks, my energy needs to go other places. So take one day at a time, put myself back in therapy, and ask myself daily if I really need to do that today or can it wait. I'm tired every day, adding one more person to the load is huge. My support from here is all I've got. So when you all respond and encourage me it means a ton to me. THANK YOU ALL FOR ASKING HOW I'M GOING. 

[Daisy123]

Hi Blue,
Wow! And whewww- thank goodness you have a place to live! Three generations will continue to live under one roof. Did brother finally move out?

I really like your question does it really have to be done today or can it wait till tomorrow. Great strategy for prioritizing and self care.

When do you need to move by? Eek moving is so darn stressful. I’m glad you’re in therapy and D is looking forward to a more private space.

Sending you loads of good thoughts.

(()

Daisy123

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi BlueK9, I haven't seen updates from you in a while, I apologize if I missed them... wanted to see how you're doing?