Husband undiagnosed BPD just super overwhelmed

[Hopeful05]

Hi everyone. Been looking for somewhere to talk. Try to talk to friends but honestly most dont understand mental health and telling anyone the whole picture I fear would never see my husband the same. Most think he is just depressed as they dont see the other stuff. I have knowledge in mental health so I have tried getting my husband into therapy and he goes and then something happens, usually financially,  or because I'm picky I feel most of these therapists have no idea what they are doing and just keep giving bad advice. Or worst that no advice and just talk for an hour... .or they keep telling him you need to take time for yourself... .because his mind that is completely revolved around him needs more him time... .or more time to be a zombie in front of theTV.  The most recent therapist keeps mentioning how hard I am to deal with to my husband after meeting me for only 25 minutes. Which is upsetting cuz I was simply trying to paint a picture of my life. My husband is very suave and tells stories all in a great way so I guess now I'm the one this therapist sees has problems. His stories always make things sound so great. I say he punched a wall, he says I got upset and put my hand on the wall and it was a little loud. Or I honestly think sometimes he doesn't even remember what he did when angry and says I'm lying? I just wish we'd find a good therapist. He hasnt even gotten a singular diagnosis. Hes had an abusive home growing up, insomnia, panic attacks, ocd, depression,  hypomania to an extent, and now the more and more I have stepped back and realized how bad things are I now see a lot of this is probably borderline, which makes sense his mother has narcissistic PD, dads abusive, and brother. They guilted him and abused til wr had to cut them out. I'd been managing our relationship, but if im being honest, I am pretty sure I allowed co dependence in the effort to be there for him. However I had our first child through a traumatic birth and I've had to make my life about our child and ultimately this time has given me time to reevaluate for myself. Been placing better boundaries, but now all these mild things are now huge, and frequent.  Today he came home from work raging on a friend he had acquired and how now this person deserves to be punched for how awful of a person he was. We went to pray at dinner and I was sending a text really quick for work and he demanded to know who I was talking to, was rude, so I said no thanks, he then escalated and threw my phone out of my hand to the floor and mentioned how if I was having an affair hed do that to the guy so if I'm having an affair with my phone he was going to throw it. I was upset, defended myself stated I didnt deserve that, our child did not, and we were not going to be around it. He attacked for another 5 minutes verbally then just was suddenly on another topic and acted like things were fine and hadn't happened.  I just cant keep doing this and I refuse to let our child have this environment. I am not meaning divorce  at all, not happening, but things have to change on his end. I just cant decide how to bring this up.  He already feels so broken, with medical issues, past abuse, and mental health spots. Started a med, First week great, but now it almost seems like its causing cycling and although at times he is able to have great days and is aware of feelings and what not it like peeled back a rage that is just more surfaced and now I get 4 versions of my husband. Just feels like things arent ever getting better and I'm tired of all day long stressing and waiting for the shoe to drop.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[livednlearned]

Taking care of a newborn and managing a spouse with BPD is not easy  You must be exhausted, Hopeful05. I'm glad you found the site and hope this lightens your burden at least a little.

I can understand your disappointment with therapists. Trying to find someone who has the right skills seems to be rare.

With so much going on, sometimes it helps to focus on the most pressing issue. If you had to choose one behavior that you find most challenging, what is it? Do you feel comfortable sharing an example of what happens?

[Hopeful05]

My kiddo does not seem to stress me out much, even though hes had some things we worked on. I think it has been really good for me as I've been able to separate myself from my husbands stress, as well I have to go focus on our child. I still have days when I am completely upset and stressing and worrying my husband will do something at work. But I've been able to work on me. Which I think I have ignored since we have met. I think I am always too understanding and always go well ya thats cuz of this and then just move on and ignored so many things that have happened that have deeply affected me, even though I really couldnt just hang on it as he had already forgotten them, if he even remembered things happened in the first place.

I am not even sure how to separate into one thing. There is just so much entangled into this. He just got out of a major depressive episode, but I guess I can handle that as honestly he is super down, but hes not mean,  and it's not super stressful, hes just kinda not present even though he is.
Theres alot of obsessive compuslive thinking and perseverating that he does that causes financial problems, and then just the insistence on me having things clean for him, or ok, and the questioning and nagging me to buy things he doesn't need I guess isnt the worst.

The hypomania annoying grabbing, sexual advances, talking non stop, active, I guess is live able too for now.

His constant negativity and tearing literally everything down, all the time, picking our friends apart every good event apart, his day, I mean has he ever had a good day? They all just seem to be the worst day in the world at the time. So the negativity is hard I think as I am always the one talking about the day, our friends, our events, going well I actually had fun,  and trying to remind myself life is actually good, our friends are good. Well those he hasnt pushed away are. So I guess that can be on hold, def. super not healthy for me.

 The constant do you love me, do our pets like me, does our child love me, all of that gets really frustrating and is bothering me mainly only because it is going to start being passed to our child and I dont want him affected. 

So I guess right now, I always think it's like I have 4 husbands, the super depressed, the hypomanic, the man I think is most who he truly is, and then this man that is just full of this intense rage, this hostility, anger, hatefulness, that I know is a great deal of behaviors rolled into a mood. But he just gets this look where he is just glaring and everytime he looks at me like that I just feel like he hates me. It's just awful. And with it comes attacking me, lashing out and saying the meanest things, blameshifting, tearing me down, cursing, yelling, but all of this my entire focus every single time is our child is right here next to all of this. He's always like I've changed my whole life for pir child, but he hasnt, he does all of these behaviors in front our child. I refuse to let this pass on to our child, but I am also not going to not be with my husband. Lately I have just been scooping our child up and leaving the room. Last time I admit I did not as our child was eating lunch. So I know that is still like a billion behaviors. But the intense rage,  with our child being present. It is just too much.

Theres been times in the past he has had this, but it all seems worse now that we have a kid. Hes been a lot more hateful toward me, I think that with having our child there has been a lot less attention on him, and I am no longer doting to him, texting him all day to make sure he's ok, over worrying and trying to prevent flareups, when he is awful I just tell him that is rude and disrespectful and usually I just put my phone on vibrate sit it down and focus on our child.

So I would love for him to be able to be able to label I am feeling angry and leave the room if our child is in it. I would love to be able to think it was safe to leave my child alone with my husband, but I just don't.  His mood shifts too rapidly, he still makes these awful little comments that seem innocent, until you know his parents, and they are controlling, tearing down, guilt ridden, awful things to say to a child. I just am so terrified because I chose to marry my husband and that I did not realize the severity ( I knew he was abused and that he was depressed) but didnt realize the other things, that our child is going to be a part of this awful home and have this father who just isnt able to fully be a father to him. No matter what I do. I worry that everything good I do he is going to cancel out. And sure for so many days every month I have a pretty good husband, but all of those other days, those are going to be the ones that stick,  that teach our child how to handle his problems and I just cant handle knowing that could happen because of all of this.

The most recent example would be the phone incident I believe I wrote about when I found this site, as it had happened that day. I guess one of the bigger ones that happened, as it's never physical (maybe throwing something), always voice, tones, and comments.

So this was several months back and I had been helping someone out. He felt that they did not deserve my help because they brought the problems on themselves, he justified this by vague assumptions of their behavior. So from what I remember he was mad I'd been doing this, then he went on and on about his dr appointment. He called home and flat out asked me about the situation and how was going so I told him about it. He then came home a little while later and I had just gotten an update on the situation and so i told him about it, stupidly thinking that since hed asked earlier, he cared... .instead he reacts by intense anger, attacking me about not doing his laundry demanding why I hadn't done it, and just kept escalating,  I told him you are too angry,  you need to leave the room, he kept arguing and yelling and cursing, I said you need to leave. He refused and got so angry he punched the wall. It shook and knocked items off which hit and landed next to our child. I scooped out child up and locked ourselves in the bedroom for the next few hours.  This was a bad day as usually when he gets that angry he cools off and is apologetic, he never owns it, but he acknowledges he was mad. This time hours go by hes still angry, I go to check on him. He still argued so I got our child  and I food and we went to bed. The next day he still defended himself and explained the trigger, childhood friend attacked him... .so ya, huge trigger,  and I or course justified it all going yes that all makes sense and come a day later I've brushed it all under the rug and we "move" on... .well he does. He felt things were resolved, but when does anything ever resolve for me? I know when hes that mad just get our child and we go in another room. He usually realizes that means no following and due to a past tx, has agreed to no longer leave the house angry,  however. A couple times to spite me he still has. So anyways that's an example. That's the only time he has ever hit anything. I think it definitely still bothers him as he is going to a counselor and on meds because of it.

So now I've been encouraging him to schedule his appt for psych testing and meeting with the mental health center in hopes for a more accurate diagnosis and someone who doesn't miss Male BPD, as I certainly did, I was too worried about is it bipolar or is it not? I completely missed the son of  the narcissistic mothers scapegoat,  having BPD tendencies.  I am a complete nerd and I usually when nights are bad research journal articles and what not on disorders/symptoms to help re center myself and read one recently with bipolar vs borderline and it had how this is displayed in men... .and I was just like duh, of course. He doesn't have the suicidal self harm in the typical way, no physical harm at least, no huge crazy things, you know none of the big tell tale BPD signs. Totally missed it. As I get where therapists, would and are, it's not obvious. You can't tell talking to him hanging out, he functions pretty well. But now that I see it, its everywhere and I just want to tell him but I know that would be so bad. Just cant find a therapist, we are in a very small location and driving for therapy is going to be soo expensive.

Anyways sorry for the super long response. As I'm sure you can tell I literally have no one to talk to about any of this.

[livednlearned]

No matter what issues he has, what label or diagnosis, you belong here 

Researching and diagnosing and looking for good therapists is what we do to feel we have some control over the chaos. It is only so helpful and also a hard habit to break, especially for nerds 

You have good habits in place, Hopeful05, and can build on that strength, even if it doesn't feel like strength right now. Leaving the room when he rages and making it clear he is not to follow is a sign you know how to set limits.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship, so taking care of yourself becomes a non-negotiable priority.

I'm wondering if the best way to approach the tangle of issues is to first focus on raising an emotionally resilient child. Many of the skills that help with raising emotionally resilient kids can apply to everyone, including your H.

You are fortunate that your son is young and are working on this now. Sorry if I missed it in your post... .how old is he?

[Hopeful05]

A lot of my researching now has been knowing he isnt getting the correct help. His current therapist has no goals set, is doing no mindfulness training, blamed his obvious depressive episode on the meds, and so far only thinks he has depression... .He did just tell me he called for psych testing and is waiting to hear back this is from a different agency.

 Our child is toddler aged. I have knowledge of children/mental health. So I already teach a lot of emotional regulation, problem solving. Etc. Is there any articles youd recommend or books for emotionally resilient children in terms of BPD? I am just very worried about the modeling. Research shows that role playing and modeling are the most effective in teaching children. Also a lot of research backing modeling father child behavior. I'm game for broadening my scope here and learning some more specific parenting techniques. Anything to help my kiddo.

How exactly do I take care of myself? Lately I feel the only thing that helps me let things go is I found a data log app for bipolar that let's you record data daily on moods and then has a note section...   I've been using this as a daily dump area on the things that have upset me and of course aren't resolved ever. Many times a day later he doesn't even have memory of it.

My husband has a public occupation so I really cant discuss this with anyone I know. I've gotten a little closer with a couple ppl but just not there yet. The data also helps me prep as I can see trends where he cycles through... that's why I worry he's going to get a comorbid diagnosis of bipolar, ocd,BPD... .these all have therapy of DBT and some exposure therapy for the ocd. So I'm trying to find someone thats trained,  ... but all the ppl that have been are very young women( early 20s) and my husband doesn't find that relationship appropriate. Hope this week gets results as to next step. I have a dbt book and know if someone made him accountable and follow through, he would do well with the skills. I tried out of desperation... .of course bad idea... but hey he at least uses some of the techniques at work .

I think I just needed another outlet and just some tools to start using for me. I try not to be reactive, use black and white facts in my responses,  keep consistent boundaries. It is so hard not using feeling responses, but really he doesn't notice my feelings unless it has to do with how he feels about reacting to my feelings... .I would love to be able to tell him how I feel about stuff and what upsets me at family events and friends... .but that just gives him reasons to see them as bad guys... .And several topics I have told him I will no longer talk about.

Thank you for responding by the way. I was pretty discouraged at first seeing no one had answered. I know I'm long winded and overexplain . My first post was really just a dump cuz I was pretty upset. Is it better to make more specific questions to talk on these boards?

[livednlearned]

Is there any articles youd recommend or books for emotionally resilient children in terms of BPD? I am just very worried about the modeling

Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce by Bill Eddy is excellent. For me, the big takeaway is the modeling that non-BPD parents can do to create emotional resilience, like "managed emotions, flexible thinking, moderate behaviors" and one other I can't remember.

Alienation is considered by Dr. Craig Childress as naturally occuring pathological parenting associated with a PD. Alienation behaviors gets conflated with divorce and custody because that's when it spikes, but in a lot of PD families the patterns are already there, with the PD parent trying to create alliances that turn the family into a small battlefield with allies and enemies. You're either with me or against me, which the child learns, among other games.

The other one I found really helpful is I Don't Have to Make It All Better by the Lundstroms, which has a great section on validation for kids, including asking validating questions which creates a structured way to get your child to be responsible and accountable for solving his own problems, something kids don't learn as readily when there is a BPD parent modeling learned helplessness and blame shifting like a champion.

As an example, my ex used to say, "You love the dog more than me." That turned into "You love the dog more than us." Which turned into my son saying, "You love the dog more than me."

I JADED (justified, argued, defended, explained) and made it worse. Of course I don't love the dog more than you! Which made him think I must be lying, something that his dad reinforced.

I learned to say, "You must feel awful to think that I love the dog more than you. Come here and tell me how you feel, and I'll listen and we can hug while you share what you're feeling." Validation feels better than alienation any day.

How exactly do I take care of myself?

First you have to truly believe your well-being matters. You come first. Full stop.

You have to truly believe that and then you protect time and space in whatever way you can.

Having a small child complicates things because self-care isn't so easy when you have a child dependent on you. Sometimes you can do this with words but it depends on the severity of the symptoms. If your H is not terribly dysregulated, you might say, "I will have this conversation tomorrow at 9am after my coffee. It is 9pm and you are important to me, and this is an important topic, one that I want to give my full attention to. I cannot do that this late in the day so we will discuss it tomorrow morning." And then you repeat your limit and don't cave. No matter what. You definitely don't start talking about it first thing in the morning. You stick to what you said -- 9am, after coffee.

I had two BPD loved ones in my life (both are BPD/bipolar) -- that language would work with one but not the other.

If he is severely dysregulated, then you take care of yourself with physical space. Like you are already doing. The data app may help you see dysregulations coming and you can plan for them. I had to take meditation very seriously and approach it like a necessity. I needed guided meditation at first because I couldn't get myself centered on music or silence alone. I also had to lock doors. With one BPD loved one, I explained some of this in advance, phrased in terms of how I handle stress and anxiety, and what she could expect from me when I was taking care of myself. I also set strong limits around texting and made it clear how I respond to texts (never immediately) and we came up with a reasonable amount of time for someone to not respond, which I stick to. I can respond immediately, and I choose not to, because I want a texting relationship that is not contingent on me being available 24/7 and right away.

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning has other advice, specific to different situations. For example, I used to validate one of my loved ones to the point I think it dysregulated her. I had to learn how to end a conversation when I noticed her becoming even the tiniest bit emotionally aroused. That's an example of one way I take care of myself -- I consider her special needs and adjust some of my behaviors to accommodate what she struggles with, which is mood states.

Thank you for responding by the way. I was pretty discouraged at first seeing no one had answered. I know I'm long winded and overexplain . My first post was really just a dump cuz I was pretty upset. Is it better to make more specific questions to talk on these boards?

People on the Bettering board are dealing with a lot, so sometimes it's just a matter of catching a breath

Specific questions are probably easier for people to address 

I'm glad you shared as much as you did. It helps us get to know what your specific circumstances are like. Keep doing what you're doing and hope you'll keep posting.

LnL

[Hopeful05]

I will definitely check out all of those books and try to figure how when I can read them.  Books are  hard as my child loves loves reading and my phone is a trigger for my husband it seems. He attacked me again tonight by taking a picture of me responding to a text, sending it to a friend and stating how he doesnt remember what I look like. Just so frustrating the main reason im on my phone is to respond to him 24/7 and in the evenings not much. Whereas he cant even play with our child without it, or eat dinner...

The blameshifting is definitely a problem. He isnt accountable for anything. Tonight he blameshifted me calling him on blameshifting.  Just ugh. I hate hypomania :/

We totally have the you love the dog more than me problem here, or your phone, or well anything really. Or the incessant does the dog like me? Does the dog like this? I have been refusing to answer these questions same with do you love me, do you find me attractive etc. Hoping that is right. I tell him these things other times in the day. But I guess he started to keep tabs on how often I say I love him, or kiss him, or now how often our child hugs him. But then creates fights and makes them not happen then makes a big deal how I wont have kissed him for x amount of times... .I've just been saying you know that is not true. I'm not having this conversation.

And it's not that I dont feel it matters just not sure what that means.

I dont think conversations are really an issue and if I said we'll talk about it later it wouldnt ever happen. He isn't that motivated well unless hes obsessing over it then he never let's it go. So I guess I could use that when hed wanting to talk about a trigger issue. Pretty much always some item hed rationalized with grand detail why he needs to by something.

The texting is something I def need to work on. It used to be so nice to have him text and talk. But now I sit my phone down for 40 minutes, when hes at work and he loses his mind I dont respond to his texts. I've started purposefully not keeping it with me at times and stating I'm busy doing something with our child.  He texts all the time but most the time it's stupid stuff he wants me to respond to despite the billionth time I've told him I dont care to see it anymore and to find something else to do. Then he will literally start to place his phone around me later to make me see it. Its just the most ridiculous attention seeking I've seen. I hate when he repeatedly does things I dont like on purpose then gets all mad when I react.

How do you know someone is emotionally aroused?

O we are getting the testing set up soon. Insurance needed checked. Hoping through this he can get an actual diagnosis and start working on acceptance.  So many of these things hes doing I know would be alleviated with someone working on them with him. Any suggestion from me infuriates him though. I'll literally give the exact info someone else gives and hes mad at me and soaks up the other person. Anyways I realize I'm pretty much just complaining a bunch. Sorry. I have been working on trying to start doing more of what I like and more who I am.  I've realized how much I've truly moved down to where he is at rather then me being a good influence on him. He did yesterday how I'm not the type of person who goes out and does things. I said yes I am.  I used to always do things. I was active,  always doing things each day. And hes like nuh uh we just sit at home every evening and do nothing. I said nuh uh. That's because you cancel and back out of everything. I used to. He got mad and just stopped talking.  So I've started doing things like we are going for a walk you can come or stay here but we are leaving in 15 minutes. Or setting goals and doing them. Even though he verbally attacks me for doing them.

Do I still defend myself when he tears me down? Like I spent last week painting. So then he made a shot at me how I'm obsessing over the paint and I always get after him for obsessing over buying his phone but I'm worse. All I'd done for three days was paint. So I said theres a difference between setting a goal and reaching it  and doing a task til completion and nagging your wife for 3 weeks about something you want.

Anyways I'm falling asleep.  Thanks for listening

[once removed]

what are some of the things that you and your husband like to do together? things that make the two of you feel connected?

[livednlearned]

I spent last week painting our kitchen as it was old and ugly and I was tired of it. So then he made a shot at me how I'm obsessing over the kitchen and I always get after him for obsessing over buying this phone but I'm worse. All I'd done for three days was paint.

This can be interpreted as, "I feel bad about x. If Hopeful05 feels bad about x, then I will feel better because we'll both be feeling like I feel, and I won't be alone. So I will find an example of x that she does and make her feels as bad as I feel."

It does not matter that your x and his x are different, the point is to level the emotional playing field. His particular way is to bring you to where he is at since the opposite requires skills he does not have.

In other words, he is looking for a payoff and when you engage the game he scores.

You re-center things when you use a SET response (support, empathy, truth). "This is an immersive project, I see what you mean (support). You feel I'm absorbed and not attentive while I'm working on a home improvement task, not a great way to feel -- I feel that way too when people are absorbed in something (empathy). To get this kitchen done, I had to knock it out all at once so materials weren't wasted and have a functioning kitchen more quickly (truth)."

You can find a lot of similar examples of SET in Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and there are other examples on the site here.

Otherwise, you lock horns with him. He doesn't have the protective layer needed to shield his emotional reactivity, so he might hear the following in your example:

theres a difference between setting a goal  and reaching it and doing a task til completion (good people do this, I am the kind of person who does this) and nagging your wife for 3 weeks about something you want (bad people do this, you are the kind of person who does this, it is annoying and childish).

We all hear the surface words, and we hear the intention behind the words. People with BPD are exceptional at hearing the intention behind the words, and have a tendency to react strongly and promptly. As people who can regulate emotions, it's on us to add some speed bumps to the interaction so we don't accelerate into full-blown conflict.

You have to be in a place to empathize with him -- that's not easy when your tank is out of gas. Emotional validation or empathy have to start with intention, otherwise it will feel patronizing.

[Hopeful05]

what are some of the things that you and your husband like to do together? things that make the two of you feel connected?

I've been having to try and find new things. In the beginning I've realized most all of our activities involved taking care of him or doing what he wanted. There are a few things we'd done like games,  TV/movies, and long talks.  With depression tho he often doesn't want to do anything. I have a hard time getting him to actively hang out with me and our child. :/

[Hopeful05]

I like the SET example I will try to use that. I understand all the advice and understand why I need to and why it would help. I am just getting exhausted with always being the on that is understanding,  always being the one that listens,  always being the one that's feelings and thoughts are never heard. I got to admit I got a little angry thinking about how my once now and then responses that arent good are bad for him. Like I never get to respond normal! I cant fo the silent treatment, I cant be mad and stay mad, I cant cry and be sad and expect him to make me feel better, I can't even expect an apology, cuz my luck he doesn't even remember it. This is just so frustrating and now no testing for months. They won't give me the contact info for the person doing the testing before hand and wont let me talk with him about testing for specific dx. Just kept saying their protocol and so on. Just no wonder mental health has such a stigma and low recovery rate. Even when you try to get help and work hard to do so its months and months of talking to people and then feeling like they think you're a crazy person by the time you get off the phone. Doesnt help his current therapist still keeps making comments about me. Just tired of feeling like a crazy person to everyone and having to work so hard when it's supposed to be the time I should be able to be me. Anyways I started the stop walking on eggshells book. Just dont think I can wait another two months not telling him about the BPD dx. I feel like I keep lying to him and he's asked about what I think will come of the testing.  I have been taking time for me during the day by working on the house we are in. I'm just tired of doing it all.  Literally everything. I truly dont trust him with our son. How do I know he isnt going to have a mood swing? Or be so immersed in his phone he doesnt know our child climbed onto the counter.  and dont get my wrong,  hes very high functioning, completed school, full time job. But he cant even do the bedtime routine with out getting frustrated. So right now I limit and create interactions they can do that has little room for error. Just I am starting to dread the evenings cuz my days with our child are so relaxing. I know that isnt good for our marriage.  I just had forgotten how feeling calm feels. My husband keeps asking how our child doesnt stress me out, crying, screaming, tantrums, waking up every 3 hours, night terrors... .but they are just still so much calmer and less stressful then all of his drama and worrying about when he's going to breakdown or quit his job, or sabotage his job. I'm so busy with our child I can just not worry about it for a while.

He did follow a boundary I just set. I was sick of hearing about how every instance of his day was just so awful and always complaints. I said I like hearing about your day and the things that upset you, but you are the only person I talk to often in a day, and if that is the case I need to hear good things too. So I told him he needed to come up with something good that happened or something he felt good about everytime he wanted to complain about something. So far he has been. Some of them are pretty reaching, but really its not the content it's the delivery,  the anger, the tone, the looks, are not present in his good examples. So this, for now, I can handle. He's definitely hypomanic now so we will see how he does when he cycles.  He just had a big trigger last night that is triggering abandonment so I hope this weekend goes ok. We have an event we are going to, then a special date to me. It would be nice for him not to be super depressed during it. Last year the night before this he admitted to still using porn every time I was with our child and during the time I had a csection and had a really hard recovery. This was not shocking but pretty upsetting as he was flat out lying and doing it in the room next to me. Fyi I view porn as cheating, I know many have different views on it.

O I had a question.  Anyone have problems with jokes being told that arent jokes? It's like it's his way of saying things he actually wants, gauges the reactions, then when they arent what he wanted he backs up and says it's just a joke. However, sometimes I think his goal is just simply to get a rise out of me as he knows how I will react to his "joke". I guess I'm just tired of the blameshifting. Or I'm just tired.  I mean pretty sure I haven't slept well in a long time.  I guess sometimes I'm feeling kindave like a single mom?

Anyways just found myself very frustrated today over things. The one friend I have hasnt been free lately either so that is just super apparent that we moved and I have like little to no friends here.

[Vols4555]

I know I won’t be of much help, Hopeful, but I feel the exact same way as you.  I bend over backwards and give so much just to try to make it another day, week, or month... .then I have a day where I am sick of it, when is she going to accept responsibility, maintain her composure, and do something for me... .hell, even read a book that will help herself be happy and healthier in our marriage!  I am doing all the work!  It is so exhausting.  And she is content to live in the problem bc she doesn’t want to face the pain and her personal issues.

So my point is that I commend you and you aren’t alone and have normal feelings.  Your thread has helped me tremendously in giving inspiration and more advice and resources to go on.  So thanks to all!

[Hopeful05]

I know I won’t be of much help, Hopeful, but I feel the exact same way as you.  I bend over backwards and give so much just to try to make it another day, week, or month... .then I have a day where I am sick of it, when is she going to accept responsibility, maintain her composure, and do something for me... .hell, even read a book that will help herself be happy and healthier in our marriage!  I am doing all the work!  It is so exhausting.  And she is content to live in the problem bc she doesn’t want to face the pain and her personal issues.

So my point is that I commend you and you aren’t alone and have normal feelings.  Your thread has helped me tremendously in giving inspiration and more advice and resources to go on.  So thanks to all!

No you're helpful! Sometimes it is just nice to have someone to talk to or having the same problems. Kindave morbid right? Feeling better others are miserable too :/ My husband has been trying, well in what he is able to at this point, he has a lot stacked against him and pretty much no modeling until his mid 20s in how to appropriately respond. So here I am understanding again .