When I got home, my family was gone | Part 4

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not just going to say no! I don't feel like saying No even if I should, so I'm not sure I could even say it if I "had" to!

This seems to be the answer for most of us who are questioning how we got ourselves into our predicament with our pwBPD in the first place.

How did we get ourselves into these messes in the first place? By feeling something we had never felt with someone and just going where those feelings took us.

This is definitely NOT to say you are in phase 1 of a relationship with a pwBPD. It is to point out that the beginning of something like what you are experiencing is always so oceanic that there's no stopping it even if we wanted to, but we don't want to anyway.

It is only afterward that we scold ourselves for going with our gut with someone "clearly" BPD. "It was too good to be true." I say, "Bah!" to this line of thinking.

When I proposed to my ex I knew it was too soon, but I just had to go for it. In my mind it was a dream come true to be with this incredibly sexy woman who I admired when I was an early teenager and was getting along better with than I ever could have imagined. I took a gamble and lost. It happens. But I was able to have two of the best years of my life. I do not regret the decision. I am dismayed by the way it turned out.

I am glad you're letting yourself feel what you are feeling and acting on those feelings. I hope things work out wonderfully for you.

J

[Jeffree]

I'm not just going to say no! I don't feel like saying No even if I should, so I'm not sure I could even say it if I "had" to!

This seems to be the answer for most of us who are questioning how we got ourselves into our predicament with our pwBPD in the first place.

How did we get ourselves into these messes in the first place? By feeling something we had never felt with someone and just going where those feelings took us.

This is definitely NOT to say you are in phase 1 of a relationship with a pwBPD. It is to point out that the beginning of something like what you are experiencing is always so oceanic that there's no stopping it even if we wanted to, but we don't want to anyway.

It is only afterward that we scold ourselves for going with our gut with someone "clearly" BPD. "It was too good to be true." I say, "Bah!" to this line of thinking.

When I proposed to my ex I knew it was too soon, but I just had to go for it. In my mind it was a dream come true to be with this incredibly sexy woman who I admired when I was an early teenager and was getting along better with than I ever could have imagined. I took a gamble and lost. It happens. But I was able to have two of the best years of my life. I do not regret the decision. I am dismayed by the way it turned out.

I am glad you're letting yourself feel what you are feeling and acting on those feelings. I hope things work out wonderfully for you.

J

[ForeverDad]

I agree with Flourdust, you need to have a counter-response.  However, my court really disappointed me, the magistrates never seemed to refer to the submissions.  I don't know how your court handles the submitted paperwork but I highly recommend you make clear reference to them during your hearing while "on the record" or try to have them accepted in the courtroom.  You'll need 3 copies at least, on for the court, one for the other side and one for you.  I noticed that my court tried to avoid too much data, my conclusion (valid or not) was that the court was able to have more flexibility in using "discretion" in order.  Discretion meant the judge could issues typical orders that would be less likely to vary from what other judges were issuing.

Skip advised taking charge of your case.  He's right, you hired him/her.  Also, for the lawyer, it's his/her job and at the end of the day he/she goes home for supper and family.  It's your life at stake, your children's lives at stake, you're the one who's stressed, distressed and, too often, left swinging in the wind.  All lawyers will hope for a settlement, the court prefers settlements too.  However, if your lawyer is placing all strategy eggs in the settlement basket, what if stbEx refuses to settle on reasonable terms?  Does your lawyer know you'll fight for your kids and not accept crumbs?  Can your lawyer do more than seek settlements, can your lawyer do well in trials and high conflict situations?

Yes, your lawyer should know the ins and outs around court, far better than you would.  And your lawyer can advise you how to avoid common misconceptions about court and predictable traps, pitfalls and blunders us Nice Guys and Nice Gals are prone to try.  The point is that you ensure your lawyer knows this isn't just another divorce, it will be a struggle to keep it on track and not diverted into 'unsubstantiated' allegations intended to sabotage you.  I recall my lawyer estimating my divorce should take 6 months without children and 7-9 months with children.  It was 23.5 months from filing to final decree.  He was good, though not too proactive. and yet it took him 3 times longer than he predicted.

[GD39]

Dear Sweet Mother of Pearl!

If I haven't found this one of the top helping posts I have ever read, I dont know what would it be.

I was just hoping around the failed relationship forum when on impulse I popped into this since my thought was, I am not reeling about it anymore, and in so little time. The reason, I met a FANTASTIC woman. As you, once feelings started to creep in all I could think was, this is not true, it has been too fast, she is love bombing you, she has had intense relationships, no one can be that loving unless they are BPD, I am falling for her because she is beautiful and is paying attention to me... .yada, yada.

Well, as another poster stated, distance is a situation for us, so within a month's time, we decided that we wanted to start making this exclusive, and that we wanted to get together soon. She asked for her vacation time, and we scheduled to go for a three week road trip adventure. Every day that goes by I am more attracted to her. She knows about my ex, and does everything possible to put my fears to rest. Due to going through the BPD hell, I can appreciate her way more than I would have had if that experience have not being part of my life. There is something to be said of the dark nights!

Thanks for the post and replies. I have been thinking that I was crazy and alone on doing this. Is nice to know that others are walking down that path. 

[pearlsw]

Sorry buddy! I hope I didn't add to your pain. I know what it is like to put up a post and then go "ouch!"

You totally have a right to your feelings!

I wish you nothing but love and happiness!     You deserve it so much!

~pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

Hi DaddyBear,
    I tried sending you a PM but it seems your inbox is full.
    Just checking in since it’s been a few days since you last posted. I know the waiting can be exhausting. You’re in my thoughts.
BeagleGirl