Do you share your abuse with others?

[Star0009]

I am the scapegoat child of a very abusive BPD/narcissist mother and narcissist father. Neither would admit to abuse and even when they found out I talked to a therapist about them they made sure I didn't go back and yelled at me for "gossiping" about them even as a child when I sought help. Everyday on these boards as I learn more of the psychological terms I feel stronger on a path to healing and seeing things in a clinical sense. I just found the term attachment disorder which I have suffered from most of my life. I was shy to the point of not speaking and even when I have close friends I have trouble hugging them. I have huge anxiety about social situations and often sit watching everyone where I feel safest. I so much want to share my abuse with people or some of what I'm dealing with so I can finally use my voice and connect with people and get out this suffering I have dealt with my whole life but I have so much guilt for what my parents provided me at times that was good or that my social media friends are mostly from a private school my father worked hard to pay for who have no idea what my home life was like. The guilt is so much to say anything but at the same time I feel like all of this pain and not sharing my true story is hard to keep in and not fair that I feel forced to live with it in silence. I would love to hear how other people handle this.

[Learning2Thrive]

I just found the term attachment disorder which I have suffered from most of my life. I was shy to the point of not speaking and even when I have close friends I have trouble hugging them.

Yes' I have had a hugging aversion for quite alarge number of years. Im so sorry you are dealing with this.

I have huge anxiety about social situations and often sit watching everyone where I feel safest. I so much want to share my abuse with people or some of what I'm dealing with so I can finally use my voice and connect with people and get out this suffering I have dealt with my whole life but I have so much guilt for what my parents provided me at times that was good or that my social media friends are mostly from a private school my father worked hard to pay for who have no idea what my home life was like. The guilt is so much to say anything but at the same time I feel like all of this pain and not sharing my true story is hard to keep in and not fair that I feel forced to live with it in silence. I would love to hear how other people handle this.

I understand, Star0009. We’re here for you. Talk away whenever you’d like.

  L2T

[Harri]

Hi Star.

Long ago, I would say certain things that would give bits of my history away but i quickly learned most people can't handle it.  I wasn't sharing though it was more me not realizing how bad things were.  Getting strange looks or seeing peoples eyes fill with tears was not something I wanted.

Over time, as I began to really dig in and explore my life, I did not share because I knew I needed to be able to validate myself.  Validation from others was something I got in therapy and by posting on a board for sexual abuse victims (mdsa).  It was important and healing but it was not something I wanted from the 'civilians' in my life.  Plus, I still did not like seeing peoples reactions to the bits they got when I told what I thought was a funny story.  The looks of confusion and pity was a turn off for me.  I actually got angry and confused when people said they were sorry.    Another aspect was that I felt sharing my history would be seen as justifying myself or explaining myself... .I did not want to do that.  I wanted to accept it myself and not have it define me (still working on that).

I think it is natural to want to share your story though.  For some people it is a positive experience.  I think a lot of the reactions I got to even the smallest and least abusive of my experiences were not just because of who the people were but because of who I was.  i was (still am) damaged and not healthy so the people around em were not healthy either.  If they weren't full of pity, they would remember and then use certain events in my life as weapons, as a way to make themselves be right because i was the one who was so messed up.

So no, I did not want to share the abuse I experienced.  As I am healthier now, i still don't.  Part of it is shame but more is because it is very personal and private.  Precious almost.  I am cautious and still learning what and when to share.

lets see what others say.  I think we may all feel differently.  I find freedom and get a great deal of validation and healing just by posting and of course in therapy.

[Learning2Thrive]

I’m sorry for my brief initial answer and vagueness about my own sharing. Like Harri, I don’t feel comfortable sharing with most people. They simply can’t handle the truth. I am the oldest of 4 kids. I am now in my early 50s. My youngest sister died in an accident almost 30 years ago.

I am fully no contact with my family of origin, except my brother (youngest sibling) with whom I have low contact. He lives 1500 miles away, so it’s not like we easily bump into each other. He is respectful of my boundaries and he (tells me) is NC with our mother. I tend to belive him as he was most often her golden child but now my mother has moved on to his son and my daughter to treat as goldens.

My other sister lives in the next town over from me is diagnosed with cPTSD, strong BPD traits and a number of other things. After several years of no contact, we had a fairly positive relationship for about 3 years but it eventually blew up a year ago this last May when she violated several trusts and started behaving in an unsafe manner again. She has history of manipulation, cutting and hard drug use. I do still love her very much, but had to let go to save myself.

Most people I know can’t/wouldn’t be able to handle even what I have written above, much less specific abuse. Therapy helped me a lot. I have a couple close friends I can share a few things with and I come here to talk anonymously with others who are in similar situations and understand.

That’s what is special about this board. We have experienced painful family life and trauma. We really do understand.

Sending you gentle virtual hugs (virtual hugs feel safe) and smiles. You can talk about your abuse here. It’s safe. We understand.

L2T

[zachira]

I share my abuse with very few people, as most people are unable to understand. I share the most with my therapist, and quite a lot with the people on this site. A few of my friends and family members can handle a fair amount of detail as long as I do not go on too long. I have found over the years that most people are mainly interested in themselves and are not good at listening. I surround myself with people who I like to listen to, and are genuinely interested in me. Too many years with narcissistic family members who only wanted to talk about themselves, and hear absolutely nothing about me!

[Turkish]

Other than 97-2000 when I worked out of state,  I've had the same boss since 1993. I've told him enough over the years that he told me years ago that I should write a book.  Given my ex and the last experiences with my mother,  I have so much more material. 

He told me years ago that I sold be proud that I turned out ok and successful given how o grew up.  About every year I'll tell another story and he just shakes his head.  Getting validation from a professional 11 years older than me who came into my life as a stranger is significant.  I know I could have done much better,  and my mom telegraphed that I hadn't made anything of myself as late as 2013, but external validation means a lot. 

My buddies who knew me as a teen told me over the years that they ate impressed I turned out so well given how I grew up,  and they didn't actually witness the worst of it.  They saw some things,  and others I told them,  but I don't remember talking about it in terms of abuse. Tengen by themselves,  many incidents and stories were off the wall.  Children normalize their abuse in order to cope.  Nothing came to surprise me after a while.

I think that some of my high school teachers may have picked up on some things,  though I barber told them anything. 

The only person recently I told was my mom's former neighbor and she cussed me out over the phone given her perception of abandoning my mom.  That Adult Protective Services told the neighbor to stop calling them kind of validated me. 
, 

[Harri]

Turkish, hearing your positive experience of sharing is good.  I am glad you had someone who would listen and who validated and accepted you. 

I think you turned out successful regardless but when you consider what you grew up with and think of all the people who experienced the same and did not change or did not survive and go on to be successful, it is remarkable.  WeLl done my friend!

Star, do you have anyone in your life like Turkish describes here? 

[Star0009]

Hi Thanks everyone for your response. I had a few close friends in the past who just knew my Mom was messed up but never asked questions and I never told them details as I got more shy and awkward from my dad's abuse I never shared they kinda trickled out of my life. In recent years I had friends and a roommate I became close with but the were kinda mean and toxic. I'm almost sure the roommate is a narcissist as we shared horror childhood stories lots but she needed to always be the center of attention which was fine but used me for rides and could be quite cruel and once she made new friends and friended my other friends they all dropped me overnight and became friends like middle school girls. They were all about being cool and knowing the right musicians and bands and people. I'm in my late 30s as are they but my roommate became friends with a bunch of early 20 somethings who I overhead her trashing me to and she is now in their soical circle. We all spent lots of time together and they all said they loved me so it was very painful.
Harri I understand having your story used against you. The first therapist I saw for my abuse and really loved and trusted in, she was highly educated as well turned on me overnight when I had a breakdown. Before that she said the same thing how amazing it is how I turned out. I know my story could be a book but the guilt of writing it would never make me write it but the day I came to see her about feeling like I was starting to have a breakdown she very cruelly said to me "Well its no wonder look at your parents." Then asked me if I was paranoid of the notes she was taking which wasn't even a thought in my mind. She just got very hostile. Before that she was telling me to go to yoga at the same place she went. I desperately want and continue to search for a helpful therapist. I really only have my siblings but as the scapegoat child they have their lives and they act like my friend but abuse me in their own ways. I have a finace but he is not good with emotional stuff and was so verbally abusive to me over the past year I almost left but without great finical support and no family support staying was my best option and things have gotten somewhat better. I really have nobody right now for emotional support. I have all of these casual friends from high school who are supportive of me on social media and I've thought of reaching out to but its hard. I feel guilt because I wouldn't have them if my dad didn't pay for private school. I don't want pity at all but I feel like I'm keeping my parents dirty secret for them which is preventing me from connecting with people with honesty of who I am. The few people I've hinted it at I've gotten the kind of avoidance reaction as I'm just spewing drama or yeah I think they just don't understand because they never experienced abuse like that thank god. Last is the dreaded "you should be nice to your mother" response I got from people even when I told friends as a 12 year old girl she was dragging me by my hair.

[Star0009]

P.S. Sorry I don't want to sound like a sob story here either. I just happen to be at a place in my life where I discovered I was the scapegoat child, I'm realizing how bad the abuse effected me and how my Mom stopped me from forming healthy boundaries to protect myself and my self esteem was wiped out so I'm looking to heal. I read in one article about scapegoat children of narcissistic parents that they feel that they've woken up to this new finding and wasted lots of their life. Thats kind of where I'm at. I'm just finding my footing and it embarrassing I really have no close friends at my age but I know thats due to my childhood abuse too.

[Harri]

Star, please do not apologize.  We get it.  So many of us figured things out late and many of us do not have 'friends' like most people think of them. 

The realization that you were abused, that you were cast in the role of scapegoat and that the abuse had long lasting effects that you are still dealing with is huge.  HUGE!  Talking about it here (or where ever you choose) is good and healthy and you may find that you have to repeat certain things over and over before you get it. 

It is all part of the process.    and it is slow and difficult but exciting and joyous as well.

I have a finace but he is not good with emotional stuff and was so verbally abusive to me over the past year I almost left but without great finical support and no family support staying was my best option and things have gotten somewhat better.

Do you have plans to marry soon?  How have things gotten better?  Is he getting help for his verbal abuse?  I hope you can find a good therapist that fits you as this is a lot to deal with on top of having relationship problems.  In the meantime, we can do what we can to help you here.

[Learning2Thrive]

P.S. Sorry I don't want to sound like a sob story here either. I just happen to be at a place in my life where I discovered I was the scapegoat child, I'm realizing how bad the abuse effected me and how my Mom stopped me from forming healthy boundaries to protect myself and my self esteem was wiped out so I'm looking to heal.

Hi Star    You don’t need to apologize. You’ve made a huge, very difficult realization. Of course it’s going to affect you. We understand.

I read in one article about scapegoat children of narcissistic parents that they feel that they've woken up to this new finding and wasted lots of their life. Thats kind of where I'm at. I'm just finding my footing and it embarrassing I really have no close friends at my age but I know thats due to my childhood abuse too.

I’m not sure which article you are referring to. Was it one of our bpdfamily articles?

When I began to realize the depth of my abuse, I learned that taking time to practice good self care is critical.  Are you taking extra good care of yourself as you process what you’ve learned and begin the healing process?

I also refer to this article on wisemind often:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles. Hang in here and keep working through this. We’re here for you.  

L2T

[JNChell]

Hi, Star. You have shared a great deal with us. Also, you’ve layed your experiences in front of folks that “get it” here. I think that the most important angle to take when considering who to share your abuse with is self care. What I mean here, is know who you’re safe with, and who you’re not. Who will consider your feelings, and who will throw your feelings in your face and make them irrelevant? Seriously, I think that you should try to find answers to these questions and post them in this thread.

[Star0009]

JNChell my dog is the only one who will listen to me and validate me... seriously and these boards. I mean there might be people like old non close friends who have offered to talk in the past when I hinted on social media I was having a hard time.  I could tell my story to a select few but I don't know. Thats why I posted this question.
 Thanks for everyones help.
My fiance is somewhat supportive now. The verbal abuse was more just constant criticism with some insulting remarks. He knew I was out the door. We have been on and off together for like 20 years and his Mom with BPD or something on the spectrum is down the road. He would literally be nice as can be to her on the phone. He never stands up to her for the wrath that would come but he would hang up and have fits of anger with me. He has lots of his own childhood issues and used to have lots of substance abuse problems which I put my foot down to years ago and he is done with it. I think I mentioned we are moving in serval months out of state. If we stay together he knows he has to seek individual therapy as I always am in therapy myself. but also couples therapy if he wants to stay together. He has been much nicer for several months now and I'm mindful if he says something off and I catch him on it. I don't know what the future holds with us. He would get married tomorrow. There is no way until I'm sure we can have a healthy relationship. He is there for me but he hates dealing with his own deep childhood stuff and mother so he just shuts down so he has a hard time dealing with mine. I know even if we broke up he is still someone I can call and he will be there if I need him. We have been thru a lot together but don't worry I'm on it. I'm not living with more abuse after living thru so much of it.
I know I need to focus on self care. Its hard because things still feel painful now but I'm trying to eat more healthy. I want to exercise and I know I need to focus on some of the hobbies I enjoy in life again... create space in my apt for that but I'm struggling with the pain of coming to the realization that my pain and abuse has been coming from my siblings too especially. Its hard on my free time not to just watch tv and eat junk food but I'm trying come back to life so to speak. I guess I have just been feeling alone with all this so these boards have been amazing so thanks for everyones feedback.
Oh I don't know what article it was. I know it was on scapegoat children from narcissistic parents as mine were both but my Mom is BPD too. I can look for it. I was reading lots of articles on it once I figured out it was actually a thing.

[Harri]

Aren't pets amazing at helping us through?

We have been thru a lot together but don't worry I'm on it. I'm not living with more abuse after living thru so much of it.

Good.  BTW, I was trying to be ever so careful and tactful in how I asked so I am glad you are on this.  I was concerned. 

I struggle with self-care as well.  I think a lot of us do.  And when we actually do it we can feel guilty and even become defensive about it!  LOL... .I find myself justifying my self-care to myself!  haha

I am glad you are getting something out of the boards.  Knowing you are not alone and that people will listen and understand is so important to healing.

Take care

[ijustwantpeace]

Star0009,

This whole thing is a process. 

The hardest part is the realization that I have been held back in life because of poor parenting. 

Children by nature copy their parents. 

Without even realizing it many of your social tools come from your mother and father.

If your parents were BPD or npd there is a high probability you will copy their behaviors without realizing it.

Once I came to grips with things it just got more painful.

I am finally moving away, and hoping the pain will fade in time.

[zachira]

"Star0009,

This whole thing is a process.

The hardest part is the realization that I have been held back in life because of poor parenting.

Children by nature copy their parents.

Without even realizing it many of your social tools come from your mother and father.

If your parents were BPD or npd there is a high probability you will copy their behaviors without realizing it.

Once I came to grips with things it just got more painful.

I am finally moving away, and hoping the pain will fade in time."

Just wanted to say this post really resonates with me. Those of us who are raised by parents with BPD and NPD face a life long task of becoming people in our own right, and have to unlearn many of the destructive behaviors our parents modeled for us, day-in and day-out. There are two sources of our pain: 1) the abuse itself 2) how the abuse continues to affect our lives in our daily interactions with self and others. So much to learn, yet there is so much hope when we are willing to look at the pain our parents have caused us, and dedicate ourselves to becoming decent caring people in spite of our upbringing which breaks the chain of destruction for our children and future generations.

[Turkish]

Speaking of coming to grips or realizing things, I don't know where I got this from but it seems relevant:

"All children normalize their experiences, believing that what happens at their house happens everywhere. Recognition of toxic behavior is usually slow in coming. "

[isilme]

Hi Star0009.

Hope you are finding a better place.  One thing I want to tell you:

You do not need to feel guilty for being abused, not guilt for being upset about it.

Repeat this.  Daily.  

I find it hard to be frank with people, but over the last 20 years, a few have seen me on bad days and I've told them a very cliff notes version of things.  Like others on here, I do NOT want people getting a worried look in their eyes as they hear things they never knew parents might do, the initial disbelief because it's hard to swallow, and the "poor Isilme" looks I don't want.  I appreciate the empathy they try to offer, but most people have passable if not good relationships with some if not all of their families.  It's a lot to lay on someone all at once, which might help us, but it can be frightening for them.

I resort a lot to gallows-humor to soften it as I can, not easy, but it's one of my defense mechanisms.  As a new kid at a lot of schools, I found humor, even self-deprecating humor, sets people a bit at ease.  

Last is the dreaded "you should be nice to your mother" response I got from people even when I told friends as a 12 year old girl she was dragging me by my hair.

I have one tactic for dealing with this if I can't simply leave it be.  I ask them if an ex-boyfriend did XYZ to me, and then list a laundry list of things my parents DID (stoles my identity, beat me, emotionally abused me, played psychological games, took money from me, kept getting evicted, arrested, could not keep a job, expected me to take care of him, all while keeping up a public appearance and keeping everything as hush hush as possible in front of the neighbors... .), would I be seen as a bad person for wanting to protect myself from that person?  Is it okay to break ties with a former lover/spouse who abused me?  Most people have no problem whatsoever saying, "hell no, you can keep away from that person.

Then... .I tell them, "That was my mother I was describing.  She stopped respecting the mother-daughter relationship long before I did.  She is toxic, mentally ill, and contact hurts me and enables her.  So I maintain no contact to protect me, my husband, and his family, as she tried using his mom's identity once, too.  Shared DNA is no free pass to abuse."  

Or I let them know it was my father if they go there.  Father/daughter relationships are not as sacrosanct as Mother/daughter.  

Do you have any acquaintances you would want to be close enough to share this with?  It would be slow, trickling things to them as they can handle it, but I think it's good to have at least one good face to face outlet.

Also, glad your FI is treating you better.  I bet he has plenty of his own BPD fleas to manage if he comes from a BPD home.  I'd not recommend he get on here just to provide you with a safe posting place, but you can certainly see if he wants books about BPD?  That might help him?  I can't remember the names, but there is at least one that does a good job typifying the archetypes of BPD mothers.  It might help you both.  

Also, if you get in a sticky spot, you can also post in the Improving Board for relationships, if things are a little rough, or you want to focus on improving that relationship as well.  The great thing about the tools here - even if you are using them on people who DON'T have BPD, they still help with good communication.

I found this place at age 30, needing somewhere to share, to analyze, to try to start healing.  I think it's helped a lot.  I encourage you to write as you can, it gets it out, and it's good to see it there, in words. We aren't going to give you the dreaded, "but she's your MOM," comments.  We know blood matters, but there's a limit to how much it needs to sway your life.

 

[Star0009]

Hi
Thanks all i also found this board at age 30 when it was suggested my Mom had BPD and now am back at 40 discovering she and my father were narcissists as well and me the scapegoat child.

zachira I have to say your response that I might copy her behavior upset me a bit but I get why you might point that out but I have to explain why its upsetting. I also get your Mom and what you picked up may be very different than my Mom. My Mom is a force to be reckoned with.  I get you pick up flees and I have been very careful to examine myself coming to these new findings about her. The behavior I did pick up is to look at things negatively lots of the time, inability to self sooth and a poor self esteem or feeling I'm an evil or bad person or cursed in someway even though I have very strong morals I live by and her love of some nice things. She may actually have just fine self esteem really. We couldn't be more opposite. She has to be the center of attention, doesn't listen, only talks, can't provide emotional support, projects that everyone else is unhealthy and refuses to see any negative attributes about herself, has affairs with married men even her own dying sister's man, won't ever go to therapy unless its to make someone else change and mostly is constantly emotionally, verbally and  physically abusive towards animals and humans so she can't even stay with them without drama or harm. My dad used to call me her name in high school when I was a shy sweet kid, calling me "nasty (insert her name). She also likes to try to emseh herself with me even physically linking arms and walking into me, which is very disturbing. I don't like being touched by her but I have feared my whole life that people think I'm creepy too. That I may project at times, though I'm getting better. I would literally sit in the corner at family events and it was "(insert my name) and (insert my name) super loud to everyone non stop until they all wanted nothing to do with me. I understand it is hard to look at yourself and what you picked up from your parents and I picked up some horrible stuff I need to work on myself with but I Do not! behave like my mother. Sorry but people have pushed me out and grouped me with her my whole life when she did all the talking and i could barely speak so its a sore subject. I'm not saying I'm perfect at all in fact I have lots to work on but I'm not like her. I know its hard work to look at the things about yourself that are bad. I have been doing that work as well and its lonely and scary but to me also exciting because I'd rather learn the fleas I've picked up at this point than suffer more and contribute better to the world. Anyways I just had to get that off my chest. Having people recognize I'm a totally different person than my Mom and not to write me off because of her behavior is a battle I have been fighting my whole life.

[Harri]

Hi Star.  

I know it can be hard to think that we may be like our parents or learned our behavior from them.  I hated even the thought and if someone suggested it to me well... .those are fighting words (I just said that to another member... .I think it was Libra.  You might want to check out her threads for a similar theme?)

I want to be nothing like my mother.  I think though that it is true we do learn similar behaviors BUT similar not the same.  So if my mother used projection to get rid of her uncomfortable feelings, I also failed to learn not to be comfortable with my feelings but instead of projection, I used dissociation.  My mother expressed her anger externally through rage and silent treatment.  I expressed mine internally with self destructive behaviors.  So we both had problems dealing with difficult/uncomfortable feelings and we both had difficulty with anger but we acted very differently.  I learned, or rather failed to learn, how to handle emotions and specifically anger from my mother.  We both engaged in poor coping skills.

That all said, I am nothing like my mother (damn it!)  Just as you are nothing like yours.  I do understand that even the suggestion of being like her can be hard but we know you are separate and different from your mother.  

I am glad you spoke up as it is important to talk about this stuff.  I think you will find several others here who feel or have felt the same with being compared to our mothers and wanting to be seen as autonomous.  We get it.  

PS, no one here is going to write you off. 

[Star0009]

Harri thanks. Exactly. No hard feelings with anyone. I agree I learned bad coping mechanisms. Everything you said was right on. My Mom never had heathy friends and made sure I had none so I'm desperate to learn how to build what a healthy mother might teach her daughter and undo what I was taught. When Brene Brown spoke about how we create stories in our heads over how people hate us just because they gave a sigh or something that spoke to me because that my Mom passed that onto me hardcore. I picked up her over sensitivity and hyper vigilance so I'm scared everyone hates me. Thats a hard one to get rid of for example. I've gotten lots better though. I used to walk into a room and be able to read everyone now I realized that has lessened a lot with age and growth but I still struggle.

[Skip]

Oh I don't know what article it was. I know it was on scapegoat children from narcissistic parents as mine were both but my Mom is BPD too. I can look for it. I was reading lots of articles on it once I figured out it was actually a thing.

Was it was this article?

It's an editorial in which the author uses the old testament as a metaphor for disproportionate and extreme blame of a family member and subsequent estrangement .
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174

The author is Sarah Swenson, a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Life Coach who writes for the website.

[Learning2Thrive]

Was it was this article?

It's an editorial in which the author uses the old testament as a metaphor for disproportionate and extreme blame of a family member and subsequent estrangement .
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174

The author is Sarah Swenson, a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Life Coach who writes for the website.

Skip, thank you for this. Wow. I had not read that article before. Lots of lightbulb moments are happening. Right. Now.

L2T

[Star0009]

This is a good article and I read this one as well. I don't think this is the exact one. I just googled "narcissistic scapegoat" and a bunch of other great articles came up. I will keep my eye out for the exact one. So I guess posting an article like this on social media is a bad idea?. I laugh because I'm tempted at times just because I have all this pain inside and I want to get it out but I know most people will just feel bad for me or see it as drama and run. As somebody noted if you told what your parents or family did to you as if it was a boyfriend or husband people would easily accept that and be there for you as a survivor who was once a victim and got out of a bad relationship though they still might want you to keep details to yourself. If you then say my family did this to me it might help them understand but its a bigger leap. Its hard because they say not to silence your abuse yet it seems so many social norms want us to. I def. don't want people feeling bad for me but I want support I guess and real connection with people.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Star0009, 

I've been wanting to respond to this thread too, and I've been thinking about what to say. I find my inclination to want to tell everyone about my story to be very much a result of my emotional enmeshment with my uBPDm. I have few filters to hinder me from unloading about my past, because I pretty much had to tell her everything. Then sometimes I want to never tell anyone. It is such a strange mixture of emotions.

For quite sometime I was always shocked when I talked about an experience from my childhood in a calm and normal way, only to see the wide eyed expressions and speechlessness in the recipient. I read their faces and would become uncomfortable in seeing such a response. I thought what happened to me was nearly normal although dramatic, but their reactions said otherwise. It is always the same, the shock and disbelief. Now I've learned to be careful what I say and to whom I choose to say it. My T has had some good suggestions for me, that I can feel free to speak openly to those closest to me in my inner circle of support. The next ring of my friends who I am not as open with, be truthful but brief if I say something, yet not go into the negative. For example I can say, "I had a rough childhood, but life is so much better for me now. How are you doing?" and move on. Don't linger. Then he said with the outermost group such as acquaintances, I can skip over talking about my childhood entirely and focus on something else that I am doing. People will take whatever we share with them and quite often mirror it back to us.  It's okay to choose to not share, and it's also validating to share with a T or our closest mentors/support who walk close to us, accompanying us on our journey to healing. Both can be a part of our healing.

 
Wools

[Libra]

Star0009,

I feel your pain and confusion. 

Like Wools, I have been trying to find the right words to say. It is all such a jumble in my head sometimes.

Firstly, I so get you NOT wanting to be compared to your mother. I hear you! I have had to accept though that many of the problems I am currently struggling with are clearly linked to my childhood and the relationship with my parents. The good news is that I can unlearn many things, and replace them with new tools and skills. For me, it is an ongoing process, and this board has been very helpful and supportive.

Do you share your abuse with others?

I have tried opening discussions with friends by saying that my relationship with my mother is difficult. I gauge their reaction to see how much further I can share. If they do not respond, I will not push it. The outcome has been that I have 2 friends I can share with, in a limited way. Both have similar difficulties with their parents. Both get it. The others simply have another understanding of what 'a difficult relationship' means. They can often only relate based on their own experiences. I do not take this as a slight from their part, nor as a lack of empathy.  Unhealthy parent/child relationships are so complex, I cannot hold it against them that they do not get this. All I wish from them is to see and accept ME as I am, in the NOW. My past and my other relationships have an influence on who I am, but they do not define me as a person.

I have found sharing here and in T very healing. People get it here. That validation means so much. It has given me back my sanity, and enabled me to start to untangle myself from my mother. For me, that was the most important step. Finding my own voice and my own self, and daring to show this to the outside world.
 
It is a long and bumpy road, but it is so worth it.
You are worth it. You matter. Your voice matters. You have the right to journey on this road, to discover your own beautiful voice and self 

Libra.

[isilme]

My Mom never had healthy friends and made sure I had none so I'm desperate to learn how to build what a healthy mother might teach her daughter

This stands out to me.  My mother also never seemed able to really make friends.  And, both she and Dad would engage in smear campaigns about anyone I ever felt I could be friends with, to where I might not be outright forbidden to talk to them, I became uncomfortable, as if I was doing something wrong, and so I often backed away, fearful of them finding out I was still talking at school to people they obviously disapproved of.  Add to this I was not allowed to have people over very often at all, I was isolated at home with a manic depressed BPD/sociopath dad, and a bipolar/BPD mom.  

Like one girl, Christy.  She was nice to me, the new girl, so I was happy.  We were 8.  I was invited to play at her house a few times, and my parents insisted on meeting her parents.  Next thing I know, my parents are smearing them to me, alone, saying they are theater people must be gay, weird, bad parents, meaning their daughter was "tainted" and unsuitable as a friend.  So I edged away from Christy, scared I'd be seen talking to her (totally irrational, my parents did not ring me to school or pick me up, I walked), not knowing how to politely turn down invites to her house.  

This pretty much happened with most attempts at friend-making.  I think now, my mother was afraid I'd like a friend better than her, as I was "created" to be her BFF.   It was a competition, she saw a preference for spending time with other children as invalidating and a threat.  Dad I think just liked to keep me isolated, so his abuse would not be seen.  I was good about hiding bruises from a teacher with 30 kids in her class, I think he was worried about other parents noticing things though.  

Anyway - making friends now.  I went to like 9 schools, and college.  I have been sent into the world in a  sink or swim manner.  For the most part, I guess the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you," is my best goal for being a friend?  

It's not always easy, as my energy this last year has been strained and my health has not been good, so I've had to turn down friends a lot and feel bad about it. And, I've learned that some "friends" are no more healthy to be around than my parents.  So there is a sad distancing I choose to enact at that point.  Sadly, I want to be liked.  Some people will take my willingness to give and give if you call yourself my friend... .and they take and take and take.  You have to try and trust before you can tell if someone was able to be trusted.  It's sad, but it's okay.  Having to end a one-sided friendship, or dial it back, it's not a failure.  It's just a boundary.  

My current best friend was a weird happenstance meeting - I trained her at work.  She needed a coat, and we had outside facility inspections on a 40-degree day.  None of her coats fit, she'd just had a year of surgeries and was larger than she liked.  I had a spare - we were close in size, so I gave her a ride home but stopped at my place to grab her a coat, a hat, and some gloves (being from up north, even after living in Texas for 26 years, I still keep a surplus of winter gear on hand).  I just gave it to her, I did not need it or wear it, and have too many hats as it is.  She seemed to think this was the weirdest thing ever, and ever since has been very kind, and we have a good reciprocal friendship.  She has some issues, has an NPD mom I think and a very enabling dad.  And two sisters with horrible fleas.  Her husband is great with my H.  And he has a bipolar brother, and seem to not think me strange from being NC.  They take it as necessary on my word alone.  

Give people a chance to show you they won't judge you harshly   And also think of this - how many things might THEY have encountered as kids they are FOGed into thinking was okay?  I know sometimes you pointing out your abuse can be uncomfortable to someone else who is still in denial about theirs.  

But I think of it like if I am hurt if my birthday is forgotten, I should try to never forget a birthday, because I know it hurts people.  I know it's silly, but I try to send Christmas cards each year, because I want them to know I remember them, think of them, and took the time to still keep up with their addresses.  I try to get to know their other friends, so they don't feel they have to pick and choose.  I like to make things and people end up with weird crochet items from me, or H and buy dinner to make a gathering easy on everyone.  Due to the lack of energy (spoons), it's often easier to have people over rather than try to leave the house (less stress about how to drive home if a migraine hits), so I clean to show them they are welcome and I'm trying to make them comfortable.

I treat people how I'd like to be treated by them.  If you are kind to me in the slightest, I try to be just as if not more kind as a thank you in return.  If I feel you use me, I kinda want to just be politely left alone.  


Not really advice from a particular health person, but I think maybe it will help :D

And get this - I so much wanted to be different from my mother, I refused to sleep on "her" side of the bed when H and I got a double bed.  Silly.  But it was important in my head.  No one else will get it.  I hate being 41 and seeing some of her face in the mirror.  I told my MD I refuse at this time to ask for anything for my migraines that will incapacitate me more than the head pain and aura, and went on to say, "my mother has substance abuse problems, she tried to get me hooked on her drugs when I was 15".  

You are not your mom.  You re not your dad.  You are Star0009 - a unique person, working to bring out all the wonderful in her she can, you just had a lot of crap piled on top of you to dig out of, making your light a little hard to see.  Shine, Star   You can, you're allowed, it's okay.  

[Libra]

And get this - I so much wanted to be different from my mother, I refused to sleep on "her" side of the bed when H and I got a double bed.  Silly.  But it was important in my head.  No one else will get it.  I hate being 41 and seeing some of her face in the mirror.

Isilme,
I get this... .I did the exact same thing! Let me join you in being silly then... .
I am 42. Luckily, mirrors only show the outside. It’s the inside that counts most. 

Libra

[isilme]

I get this... .I did the exact same thing!

Wow thank you!  I really thought no one would understand 

[JNChell]

Hello again, Star. I’m very glad to see you getting involved here. It truly does help as you will see the longer that you stay with us.

JNChell my dog is the only one who will listen to me and validate me.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). seriously and these boards.

You’ve reminded me of my dear Jessi. She was a rescue pup that spent 14 years with me. Outside of the occasional ordinance, she didn’t need a leash. She was by my side and protective of the homes that we occupied over that time. She was a 50 lb. shepherd mix. She was the sweetest companion I’ve ever had. Thanks for the memory. Also, it’s a good thing to talk to your K9. We may not understand each other verbally, but we know each other’s signs, body language and moods. Maybe keep your dog in the conversation about how you’re feeling and reciprocate.

He would literally be nice as can be to her on the phone. He never stands up to her for the wrath that would come but he would hang up and have fits of anger with me.

In your opinion, was he parentified as a child and adolescent? Are you familiar with this term and what it entails?

The fits of anger that he has towards you are intended for his mother. It’s a form of projection. For whatever reason, like you said, he’s unable to stand up to her. Do you think, on a positive note, that this could be an opportunity to put a boundary in place?

If we stay together he knows he has to seek individual therapy as I always am in therapy myself.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but also couples therapy if he wants to stay together.

This is great. It will help. But, I think that the two of you should start this now. IMHO, the therapies that you describe should be started, well, yesterday. Your relationship dynamics are very troubled right now. Moving is one of the top 3 stressors for people. Ask yourself, “how does stress affect my pwBPD?” Please take this into consideration before uprooting your life and moving it with a person that you’re, at this point in time, uncertain of. You owe yourself that. You’ve been through enough. What do you think here?

He is there for me but he hates dealing with his own deep childhood stuff and mother so he just shuts down so he has a hard time dealing with mine.

From your statement, it sounds like the two of you have great difficulty being there for each other emotionally. I understand this and identify it because I’ve been in your shoes. From your POV, do you envision a quick fix to this? You’re capable of rapidly adapting to his everyday needs. Is he capable of the same towards you? For the long haul?

I know I need to focus on self care. Its hard because things still feel painful now but I'm trying to eat more healthy. I want to exercise and I know I need to focus on some of the hobbies I enjoy in life again... create space in my apt for that but I'm struggling with the pain of coming to the realization that my pain and abuse has been coming from my siblings too especially. Its hard on my free time not to just watch tv and eat junk food but I'm trying come back to life so to speak. I guess I have just been feeling alone with all this so these boards have been amazing so thanks for everyones feedback.

It is hard to focus on self care when we’re in this much pain. I’m right beside you on this. I’d make healthful food for myself. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt good physically from the nourishment I was giving my body. Then, for whatever reason, I’d stop and start eating junk again. I’ve identified that it’s just because it tasted good. Comfort. Again, from your above statement, put the move on hold. Don’t make a drastic move like that until and when you’re grounded. Boundaries, girl. Take good self care and stay with us. You help us.