PART 2: He threatened me. Physically intimidating body language and tone of voice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

MOD NOTE:  This thread is a continuation of part one found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329144.0;all


Thanks too many dogs,

I wish I had a good protect dog. My roommate has one, but he's a big baby.

I don't know if I posted this here, but I did tell someone in a pm. I have been in the local dv shelter here twice. It's the only shelter in our area as the surrounding counties are small towns and rural areas. Both times I was not assigned a counselor or advocate. I was prohibited from any contact with the abuser, regardless of having kids together or whatever. I was moved both times to a local homeless shelter. The staff was verbally abusive and controlling there. Cell phones were taken away and we were not allowed to leave the premises for thirty days. They treated everyone as if we were in drug rehab, accusing everyone of using. They falsely accused me of failing a drug test. They would not show me the results nor let me take another one. The director made the comment, "well, I don't think cps will take your baby for this but I don't know... ." I was pregnant at the time and I took that statement as a veiled threat. I had to walk to work every day, pregnant, in 95 degree heat because they would not help me with transportation. One staff member did pick me up once when it was raining. She was fired about a week later, and since she lived at the shelter, this put her and her children on the street.

I left after the director of the shelter followed me out to the parking lot as I was trying to leave for work, screaming at me that I should just "go back and live with your little boyfriend!"

I have exhausted all the options this town gives for domestic violence victims, which isn't much. On top of that, my h knows where all the shelters are. It's a "big small town" where we live, and people talk when they shouldn't. The security of that dv shelter was compromised years ago.

So you see why I have been feeling so stuck. I'm just as safe at my current residence as I would be at that shelter.

Cat, I have thought about the park or something. He doesn't have transportation there, the bus doesn't run that far. S2 would probably be disturbing at the library.
I expect a lot of push back and dysregulation if i attempt to restrict the visitation in any way so I am stressed.

I plan to speak to my T soon. She knows the long history of this relationship.

Thanks for your support. Don't know what I would do without this community.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

MOD NOTE:  This thread is a continuation of part one found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329144.0;all


Thanks too many dogs,

I wish I had a good protect dog. My roommate has one, but he's a big baby.

I don't know if I posted this here, but I did tell someone in a pm. I have been in the local dv shelter here twice. It's the only shelter in our area as the surrounding counties are small towns and rural areas. Both times I was not assigned a counselor or advocate. I was prohibited from any contact with the abuser, regardless of having kids together or whatever. I was moved both times to a local homeless shelter. The staff was verbally abusive and controlling there. Cell phones were taken away and we were not allowed to leave the premises for thirty days. They treated everyone as if we were in drug rehab, accusing everyone of using. They falsely accused me of failing a drug test. They would not show me the results nor let me take another one. The director made the comment, "well, I don't think cps will take your baby for this but I don't know... ." I was pregnant at the time and I took that statement as a veiled threat. I had to walk to work every day, pregnant, in 95 degree heat because they would not help me with transportation. One staff member did pick me up once when it was raining. She was fired about a week later, and since she lived at the shelter, this put her and her children on the street.

I left after the director of the shelter followed me out to the parking lot as I was trying to leave for work, screaming at me that I should just "go back and live with your little boyfriend!"

I have exhausted all the options this town gives for domestic violence victims, which isn't much. On top of that, my h knows where all the shelters are. It's a "big small town" where we live, and people talk when they shouldn't. The security of that dv shelter was compromised years ago.

So you see why I have been feeling so stuck. I'm just as safe at my current residence as I would be at that shelter.

Cat, I have thought about the park or something. He doesn't have transportation there, the bus doesn't run that far. S2 would probably be disturbing at the library.
I expect a lot of push back and dysregulation if i attempt to restrict the visitation in any way so I am stressed.

I plan to speak to my T soon. She knows the long history of this relationship.

Thanks for your support. Don't know what I would do without this community.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you will speak to your T soon. There's got to be a safe way for him to have visitation without it putting you at risk. Being alone in his motel room doesn't seem like a good idea.

I'm assuming you've got your van now. Maybe you could meet him at his workplace? Is there a nearby park there? I hope you remain in the public eye when you're with him in the future.

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, I do have the van but not the title yet. He asked me if I let anyone else work on it. As if I had time for that yesterday. He is trying to control the situation because he wants to be the one who fixes it. Thermostat, radiator flush, possible heater core, all according to him. Last night he said he won't tell me what all needs to be done to it because he doesn't want to overwhelm me. Said we will do a little at a time. This sounds like a plan to insert himself into my life for an extended period.

He wants control of who does the repairs and what repairs are done. Anxiety that I will let someone else do it probably contributed to his reasoning for keeping the title.

He has also been repeatedly telling me that he wants to know who is keeping his son. I told him in general who has him on weekends, not her name or where she lives. He knows my coworker who also keeps s2, but he has a problem with that because her brother is a very distant ex of mine. He can't stand that I am making the decision of who keeps s2. Says he has a right to know. I think that means he thinks he has a right to tell me who can and can't keep him.

I definitely do not feel comfortable being alone with him. So I need to do some research and find out what options would be available for visitation other than what we are doing. He's already pressing me to let him keep s2 alone while I work. I'm conflicted about that. He has always been a devoted caregiver to s2. Abuse was only directed towards me.

He had the mindset of s2 being good, perfect, innocent... .and I was bad, the enemy, against him, untrustworthy, etc.

Is that splitting? I read somewhere that pwBPD do that sometimes with either two children or a spouse and a child.

Thanks again,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you’re seeing that he’s using van repairs as a pretext to insert himself into your life.

Regarding your son, up until recently he didn’t have a right of visitation so now he’s trying to control who looks after him while you’re at work! SMH

Perhaps you can research some other DV services in your vicinity. After what horrible treatment you experienced from the one you previously used, I can see why you’d avoid that one. However they’re not all like that, thankfully. Who would want to get abused again after escaping from an abuser?

Please see if you can find one where they can help you work out visitation issues. If you can’t find a different one locally, perhaps you could chat with someone in a more distant area or find an online resource.

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, I think I will try to find another resource. I looked up statewide resources and that's the one locally.

Just for some more clarity on the ways he pressures me:

I am at my co-workers house babysitting. He texts and asked me what I am doing and said he needs to pick up the van to work on it.
I said no. He is not coming here, I will not tell him where the house is.
He said he is ordering parts and wants to work on it after work.
This is the spur of the moment stuff that causes me daily anxiety.

I don't know how to respond, so I haven't. He said it seems like I don't have much time. I think that is a way of saying that I don't have much time to do whatever he wants whenever he gets the impulse to do it. I spent seven years being expected to jump whenever he spontaneously decided that he was going to do something and wanted my cooperation. Didn't matter what else I had going on, he was supposed to take precedence.

I'm feeling really frustrated and irritated.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

My first husband did that too—I was supposed to jump at his command. 

He’s gotten used to pulling your strings. Have you told him that you don’t want him to work on your van?

Also how is he able to get around town without a vehicle? And then if he picked up your van, he’d be driving without a license.

If he is that mobile, he should be able to meet you in public somewhere for his visitation times.

[I Am Redeemed]

My guess is that he was planning on having a co-worker drive him over here on lunch break. And yes, he would be driving without a license again.

No, I haven't told him that I am no longer comfortable with him fixing the van, and I also haven't told him I don't want to be at the hotel room for visitation with s2.

These conversations bring lots of anxiety. The way he acted the other night was so much like he used to act, I feel like I went into some kind of PTSD mode and I don't feel as strong as I did.

I suppose that is natural, but it sucks. I get angry sometimes about it.

Also have caught myself wondering if I overreacted to the situation the other night. Asking did I blow it out of proportion, is my fear justified.

Then I realize that is exactly the kind of thinking that kept me stuck in the abuse. Almost like I didn't feel like I had a right to say or do anything about it if a few days or weeks had passed, because the threat wasn't immediately present. So I told myself I would do something next time. But I never figured out what to do, until I had to flee in desperation.

I am wondering if I have the strength to resist all this pressure, or stand up to it. I feel worn down and drained. That's a weakened state. I know that bad decisions get made in this kind of mindset. I am trying not to let hopeless thinking seep in.

Redeemed

[formflier]

Then I realize that is exactly the kind of thinking that kept me stuck in the abuse.

Huge for you to see this.

I hope this empowers you to define the relationship on your terms.

Lots of issues starting to pop up.  1 thing at a time.  Get the title.  That's it... .don't comingle it with van work (no reason to ever mention this to him)... visitation... .or anything else.

Get the title... or do the lost title thing. 

The other issues will be there in a day... week... month.  He can wait.

FF

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, I do not think you are blowing things out of proportion.  Reasonable folks are always checking themselves to make sure they are reasonable.  It can get us in trouble when we're with folks who have an alternate sense of reality and  try to make it appear as if we're being unreasonable.  We start to believe it.

When really out of control things happen, like assaults, we can start to lose sight of the smaller boundaries.  He kissed you when you didn't want him to.  He gave you a hickie when you didn't want him to.  Those may seem like small boundaries compared to assault and the violations you've seen, but they are not.  You deserve to pick the person, time, and place for a kiss or a hickie.  Period.  Boundaryless contact with your abuser is going to stop your recovery cold.

You said you are feeling ambivalent about letting him see S2 alone.  Knowing his history, everything he had done, and all of his mental health and behavioral concerns, if he weren't S2's dad, would you hire him as a babysitter?  He is using a van as a means of power and control over you.  How potent would it be if he tried to start using S2 as a means of power and control?  I'm not encouraging you to swing the pendulum the other way, to absolutely no contact with his son.  But the challenge of doing it in a way that is safe both for you and for S2 is one that must be met.

Am I misremembering or did long ago you say that you were on OK terms with his mom?  Is there any chance she could help with visits? 

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redeemed, I think you are making good progress talking through these issues one by one with the group. Please keep us posted on every facet of your situation you have time to. The more data we have to work with, the better we can work together to come up with some solutions.

There's a lot to cover here but I'd like to piggyback on a few of WW's ideas:

When really out of control things happen, like assaults, we can start to lose sight of the smaller boundaries.

I second this completely. One of my most remembered of my wife's violations against me had nothing to do with violence. She asked me to hold her beer can when there was absolutely no reason to. When I said no, she proceeded to smile and put the cold beer can on my thigh (just joking around, haha). I told her to stop. I saw it was a power move and had I not handled it, it might have let to bigger violations. A hickie or unwanted touch is not a small thing. Worse, if you continue to allow it, it potentially opens the door to more serious harassment. I would put a high priority on this boundary.  

if he weren't S2's dad, would you hire him as a babysitter?  

I've had to ask myself a similar question. You need to stay focused on S2's practical safety here. I would think that any engagement between the two of them would need some form of supervision. And any meeting between you and him has to take place in a public setting where police would not be too far off if there was any emergency.

~ROE

[formflier]

 It can get us in trouble when we're with folks who have an alternate sense of reality and  try to make it appear as if we're being unreasonable.  We start to believe it.
 

Keep focus on this... .this is a big part of what we can help with at bpdfamily.

I like the Mom idea as well... .something to at least explore.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

RC, ROE, and FF,

Thanks for your validation. I recognize my tendency to continue to allow myself to be put in uncomfortable situations because I don't like conflict and I end up doing what I know internally is not the best choice. Simply because standing up for myself and my boundaries is unfamiliar and I am not used to doing it well. I don't like that and I want to change it.

I am concerned about his mental state. But a voice in my head keeps telling me that I left s2 with him before, sometimes just after he assaulted me. Though I felt I didn't have other options at the time. I didn't want to do it then, and was afraid I was making a terrible decision.

His mother and I have a great relationship, but she lives 45 minutes away. He's already hinted around that he wants me to take him to see her.

He calls her and tells her things that sound like we are getting along and spending time together. She gets the real story from me. She is also a dv survivor.

He wants to spend more time with s2 and me. He doesn't have the first clue that his behavior the other night might be a good indicator that his contact should be restricted, not increased. Though he did apologize for the hicky.

When I was attempting to de-escalate and I spoke in a calm tone and told him that his behavior was scary, he went into denial mode and his mood switched to his "normal" act, where he pretends that what just happened didn't happen and he said he knew that I was just trying de-escalate and so he decided that I didn't mean anything I was saying, and he couldn't believe anything I was saying. Though he wasn't angry. It was a controlled, I'm not crazy act.

Seen that before too.

Redeemed

[formflier]

What's going on with the title?


How about this for a plan.

You call and chat with Mom.  How long since you last talked?

"I'm trying to do the right thing here and get (pwBPD) time with S2.  I'm hoping you can help.  Can you come over on (date) so you guys can go to McDonald's playland and then perhaps some time at the park."

I'm seeing a couple hour thing.  Then you pick up and take S2 on for other things with you.

Back up and look at big picture.  People seem to be asking YOU to drive and do this and that and the other...

How about you set conditions for him to see S2?  He either does... or doesn't.  His choice.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

formflier has some great points here about involving Mom. And if he really wants to see S2, he can make the effort to visit y'all in a public place.

[I Am Redeemed]

The thing about the mil thing I'd, she doesn't have a car either. She lives in a very rural area and is living on disability. She also has lupus, and has temporary custody of her four months old great grandchild who is special needs due to being born addicted to meth.

That addiction runs in their family.

Redeemed

[formflier]

Then... remember. 

Who is responsible for your hubby NOT seeing S2?

Very important to keep that clear.

MIL may not be able to help.  Not your place to "help" her "help".

Solve your issues... .let others solve theirs.

What's up with the title?

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

He still has the title, but said he will give it to me. Said I need to get repairs done before I drop money on tags. Said his boss at the shop agrees with him about that and said that I can go through the shop to get car repaired and boss said that he will give me decent price, which he has before because I have done business there since forever.

Idk this is overwhelming me. On top of this, my daughter turned ten yesterday and I didn't get to spend her birthday with her. I will get to see her tomorrow, but it's hard as a mom to think of your child on her birthday and not get to see her.

Redeemed

[formflier]

Thank him for his advice and set up a time to get the title.

Repairs are separate issue.

Your car... your decision... you do appreciate his input.

If he puts you on the spot if you are going to "do the title"... .your response is... ."I've got to give that some thought, please be available if I have more questions."

If he wants to get into "why not leave the title with me until you are ready"... .your response is "That doesn't work for me... "

No explanations

I am redeemed,

Not trying to be pushy or bossy... .but I get it, this is overwhelming and it's hard to think... .he is pushing hard.

Stick to that script... he either will or won't give it to you.

Less is more.

FF

[formflier]

Now... separate post about decision making.

Your pwBPD may be right about repairs before title. 

I'm a shade tree mechanic... .so if you want to chat stuff through you can post her or PM me.

Thermostat is solid thing to do on used vehicle.  Usually cheap, but a bad thermostat can cause loads of problems.

So... if you want to chat about the repairs that have been suggested... I'm open.

Again... .keep this separate from getting possession of the title.

FF

[Harley Quinn]

Idk this is overwhelming me.

It really is difficult to think straight about anything when feeling under such pressure and so overloaded.  Would bombarded be an appropriate description?  I felt bombarded and my anxiety was through the roof in my own situation.  Redeemed, how much are you communicating with him since this worrying face to face experience?  How can you help yourself to feel less overwhelmed?  Try to take one thing at a time.  What feels like the most important and pressing issue for you to act on right now?  What do you feel you want to do?  Bite sized chunks are much easier to digest than a whole chaos pie.  How are you doing for sleep?

On top of this, my daughter turned ten yesterday and I didn't get to spend her birthday with her. I will get to see her tomorrow, but it's hard as a mom to think of your child on her birthday and not get to see her.

Oh Redeemed   That has to be so hard for you.  I can't imagine how upsetting you must find it to be away from her on such a special occasion.  Was it because you were denied the opportunity to see her or because of other circumstances?  I hope that you are able to be fully present with her when you see her and just enjoy your time together, putting all else out of your mind for that precious time.  It will do you good to give yourself permission to simply be with her and release everything else temporarily.  

Did you manage to get in touch with a DV support service?  If you've had no joy yet in finding an alternative to the places you've been previously, here's a link that you can use to search local services, both in your immediate area and within other nearby areas.  Local DV support services  

Redeemed you're dealing with so much right now and are having some amazing personal realisations.  Be kind to yourself and show yourself the compassion you have for others.  You do not have to do anything that doesn't feel right to you.  There is always a choice.  Trust your feelings.  When all the words are whirling around in your ears and head, quiet them by paying attention to the feelings within your body.  They are a good indicator of whether something sits well with you or not.  It is your right to act in accordance with that.  

Love and light x

[AskingWhy]

IMR, I don't know what else to say except my heart is with you.

My uBPD/uNPD H has not gone to far as to threaten me, but he has broken objects and hollered at me.  I took the MOSAIC inventory and it came up 7 of 10 that the violence will continue or escalate.

Above all, be safe and keep you loved ones safe, which includes children (if any) and pets (if any.) 

 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks HQ,

Bombarded is a better word. I have still had daily contact with him. I am treading carefully, I want to get the title without having to go through the lost title route. I don't want to inconvenience the seller, because I know he is in the middle of a move out of state.

I see my kids once a week, every Thursday. Things like birthdays and Christmas are not cause for extra visitation, according to my sister. She makes no extra effort to give me more time with my kids. In fact she has actively worked to estrange them from me, teaching them to call me by my first name, and call her Mom. Even the therapeutic visitation counselor we used to have picked up on this and disagreed with it. I haven't seen my kids in three weeks because of the car breaking down. My sister simply cancelled the visitation when I didn't have a ride.

So for me, getting this van running in good shape and registered in my name is a huge priority.

Also a number one priority is keeping myself and s2 safe and not slipping back into patterns of doing what someone else wants me to do just because I am afraid of what will happen if I don't. Obligation and guilt are not easy, but I have been able to overcome those more than the fear. I have a high anxiety level anyway, almost disorder level anxiety, and this just adds to it.

I have not contacted the dv hotline yet. I got on the website and then I had to stop to see what s2 needed, and I was so tired last night I fell asleep before I could get back on. I only slept a few hours a night since Sunday, when the incident happened. I'm exhausted and living on energy drinks. Not healthy, I know.

Trying to see if my therapist has a cancellation this week so I can see her.

Thanks asking why! Your support means a lot to me.
Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Bombarded is a better word. I have still had daily contact with him. I am treading carefully, I want to get the title without having to go through the lost title route. I don't want to inconvenience the seller, because I know he is in the middle of a move out of state.

I'm going to take one thing at a time here and focus on the above.

Turn the tables for a moment and put yourself in the shoes of the seller.  Exactly how much inconvenience are we talking? I don't know about titles, tags etc as it's totally different here. Maybe filling in a form, making a phonecall, printing something, posting it perhaps?

If you were the seller, would you be happy to help someone who just paid you $1200 or would you prefer they be bombarded, abused and possibly risk their safety to achieve the same thing?  What sounds most reasonable to you?

Taking hold of the bombardment will reduce your anxiety level more than you can imagine.  You need some room to breathe, relax and think straight. As the healthier person in this marriage it is down to you to define what healthy looks like and demonstrate that. I'd suggest it will take a boundary on the level of contact in order to protect your mental health Redeemed.

Redeemed I say all this with love.  You will struggle as much as you allow yourself to.  There is always a choice.  Please choose to be kind and loving towards yourself.  I know it's difficult to make that shift after so long putting everyone else first.  If it helps, tell yourself you're doing it for S2.  He needs his mother to be safe, to protect and care for him and as long as you're in the thick of this, sleeping very little and surviving on energy drinks, you can't be your best for him.  I wish someone had said these words to me.  

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Ok, really creeped out... .

He texted earlier and said something happened at work that stressed him out and to please pray for him. I asked him what and he didn't say. He said he was going to lunch later, wanted me to bring van to check coolant level. I said I was going to get my daughter some birthday stuff. I ended up staying home and getting ready to go now, because s2 was cranky and needed a nap.

He texted me as s2 was falling asleep and said "hope you find everything ok".

Fine, whatever. Then... .

An hour later texted and asked "are you wearing black pants".

And I am.

And that is creepy.

I didn't say yes or no. I just asked why.

No answer.

What the... .

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed how are you feeling?  I trust that you're keeping doors and windows secured?  What do you feel would be your best course of action given he's let you know he's been watching you at home?  You've kept the texts I hope?

I want to share with you a link to a site which allows you to search DV resources in your local area.  I'd encourage you to use it and make some calls.  The site will show what services are available at each of the locations.  It may be worth calling them all to see what they can offer you by way of speedy personalised support.

Find local support here

Love and light x

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redeemed, apologies since I must have missed this point somewhere earlier in the thread, but does he have your address? I remember you saying earlier on he didn't and you were doing everything to keep him from finding out.

Seconding HQ that it would be best to have a plan in place in case the situation escalates.

Sending you strength,
Roland

[I Am Redeemed]

ROE,

Yes, he knows my address now. I keep the doors locked but the windows don't lock, which has always made me nervous.

I think the black pants thing was a lucky guess, because he later sent one about me wearing something else that was tight, which was totally wrong.

He has a habit of saying things that try to make me think he knows something he doesn't, in an effort to "trip me up" and get me to make an unwitting admission and confirm his suspicions. The thing about that is, his suspicions are never true.

He told me yesterday that he is having someone keep tabs on me, for two reasons:

1) he thinks that I am doing the same to him
2) he wants to know where s2's babysitters live because he has "a right to know"

I'm getting sick of this crap.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Also, for those who may not have read what I posted earlier, there is only one dv resource in my area. The services they offer include emergency shelter for women in fear of their lives, contingent upon agreement to cease any and all contact with the abuser, help getting protection orders, help getting a divorce, counseling, and a support group.

I have been to this agency twice before. I was never assigned a counselor, but I also already have a counselor who I have seen off and on for eight years. I was moved both times from the emergency shelter to a local homeless shelter where the staff was abusive and controlling. The support group was OK except the woman in charge of child care kept interrupting to pull me out because she couldn't get my child to settle down. Currently I don't have a free night to even attend a support group.

And even if I were to try to go back to the shelter for the third time, my husband knows where it is.

I live in the South, in what we refer to as a big small town. I have been to the one and only dv shelter here twice, and I have been in both homeless shelters. The homeless shelters here are used by the court system as halfway houses for women in the drug court program, meaning that most of the residents are court ordered to stay there. As a result, the shelters are run as if everyone is court ordered there because of drug problems, and they treat you as if you wouldn't be there if you had been living your life correctly.

The last time I was in the dv shelter, they were about to set me up in my own apartment until at the last minute I found out my roommate was moving into it instead of me. They didn't even tell me. I asked why and they said the director had decided that I hadn't been working at my job long enough then and she wasn't sure if I could afford the rent. Yet they gave it to my roommate who had also just started a new job.

The next day they moved me to the shelter where I was talked down to, followed, spied on, told that I needed to quit my new job to take their "classes", and had my cell phone taken away twice because someone else broke a rule and everyone had to turn in their phone as a result.

I'm sure this is shocking to some people. These organizations get lots of praise in the local news for their services, but the reality is that I found it to be unsupportive. And the second time I went back to the dv shelter, the director of the shelter talked down to me for leaving the first time and going back to him.

I will see my therapist soon.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Redeemed,
You certainly have more than enough to deal with without being talked down to, demeaned, guilted for having wanted to keep your family together, and being subjected to unfounded accusations and other indignities. Keep posting here and we'll do our best to help you.   

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Cat,

I understand why several people have encouraged me to reach out to local dv services, as that is still the advice I would give to someone else regardless of my personal experience in this location.

It's just frustrating to me that there is only one option available for dv services here, and basically what they told me both times is that they only provide services for women who "are fleeing an abusive relationship". The provision of services is only available for women who have ceased all contact. They believe that if you're so scared of him, why would you still be talking to him.

Some of the volunteers there understood better, but they don't make the rules.

Recently, a center opened up here that centralizes the dv services office, legal services, and law enforcement. I sent an email to the director. Even the same agency is providing the dv services, I still may talk to this woman and find out if the same people are in charge of the dv services. Sometimes a different person will have a different perspective, and I realize that I am discounting the possibility of help based on the experience I had three years ago, and seven years ago.
I just still struggle with what exactly it is that I even need. I have a counselor, a protective order, and a place to stay. I still plan to move within the next six weeks, after this car repair issue is done.

I guess I just don't know what kind of services there would be for a conflicted woman who is still in contact with her abuser, while trying to maintain safety and boundaries and trying to still allow him to see his son while at the same time wishing she could just cut contact for a while and get some peace.

I sometimes wish I had just filed divorce in the first place and we could have put a parenting plan on legal paper.

I'm tired of the constant attempts at contact. I am tired of hearing about how much he misses me. I am tired of hearing him break down crying when talking to s2 and telling him stuff that makes no sense, such as "these people don't realize what they're doing, this world is evil, someday we'll be together, etc". I am tired of him telling me to figure out what he needs to do to get better, and to coordinate it so it doesn't interfere with his work hours.

I'm tired of being pushed to resume a relationship that is still unsafe. I am tired of the games being played to find out information about me. I am tired of him asking if I am seeing someone else, or assuming that I am dressing in a sexy way or wearing makeup, or any number of other things that I don't want to hear his insecure comments about.

I'm tired of him thinking that I am using drugs, and that my roommate and her boyfriend must either be using drugs, selling drugs, or gang affiliated just because they are a different race than me.

I'm tired of him pretending to be godly, when the sick, distorted thinking is still dictating his behavior.

I am tired. And emotional. And anxious, frustrated. And numb, sometimes. Stoic, because I have responsibilities to take care of.

I don't even know what I need. Much less how to ask.

Redeemed