PART 2: He threatened me. Physically intimidating body language and tone of voice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Small steps... .whatever direction you go... .it's a long journey.

Break it down into small steps.

   
FF

[formflier]

Small steps... .whatever direction you go... .it's a long journey.

Break it down into small steps.

   
FF

[Harley Quinn]

To go through what you are really is incredibly exhausting.  From what you describe about how you're feeling it sounds like you could use a break.  How can you achieve that for yourself?     

I'm very disappointed for you regards your bad experiences with local services and of course would still encourage you to pursue the woman you have contacted previously and give the possibility of improved services a chance.  You have nothing to lose in trying.  My suggestion is that the help and support you could do with is certainly advice around a safety plan specific to yourself and S2.  After that, you may find that whilst exploring what is available since a few years ago, there may be options that jump out as being beneficial to you.  For myself, having an advocate who was familiar with my situation and who understood my position on things was really helpful.  I didn't feel judged.  I felt listened to and supported.  She knew the stages that women in my situation go through and didn't try to rush me along (ie none of the whole 'why are you still in contact' stuff).  

The service helped by advocating for me with children's services and sorted me out with legal help, home security (it's like Fort Knox here now) and counselling.  I also had someone to call (my advocate) in the event of something happening and my not knowing what to do.  It was reassuring.  For me, I felt like I had someone in my corner, and that was a lifeline.  After my situation had stabilised they provided a 12 week recovery course which was really valuable in so many ways.  I'm going out this evening with one of the other women I befriended there.  

I really hope that you are able to find that the service has moved with the times and is staffed with people who are more experienced than it sounds like those were that you dealt with previously.  Meanwhile, I don't know if you've looked at the website of hotline.org, but here is a link to their page on safety planning.  There is a tab for safety planning with children which talks about visitation briefly.

Right now I'd also like to suggest that you read the below extract about Emotional Safety Planning.  It is so draining to be in the thick of things as you are and up against so much.  Please consider your own wellbeing as a priority Redeemed.

Often, emphasis is placed on planning around physical safety, but it’s important to consider your emotional safety as well. Emotional safety can look different for different people, but ultimately it’s about developing a personalized plan that helps you feel accepting of your emotions and decisions when dealing with abuse. Below are some ideas for how to create and maintain an emotional safety plan that works for you.

Seek Out Supportive People: A caring presence such as a trusted friend or family member can help create a calm atmosphere to think through difficult situations and allow for you to discuss potential options.

Identify and Work Towards Achievable Goals: An achievable goal might be calling a local resource and seeing what services are available in your area, or talking to one of our advocates at The Hotline. Remember that you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with right now, but taking small steps can help options feel more possible when you are ready.

Create a Peaceful Space for Yourself: Designating a physical place where your mind can relax and feel safe can be good option when working through difficult emotions that can arise when dealing with abuse. This can be a room in your house, a spot under your favorite tree, a comfy chair by a window or in a room with low lights.

Remind Yourself of Your Great Value: You are important and special, and recognizing and reminding yourself of this reality is so beneficial for your emotional health. It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it has no reflection on the great value you have as person.

Remember That You Deserve to Be Kind to Yourself: Taking time to practice self-care every day, even if it is only for a few minutes, really creates space for peace and emotional safety. It’s healthy to give yourself emotional breaks and step back from your situation sometimes. In the end, this can help you make the decisions that are best for you.

Take good care of yourself and let us know if you manage to find anything out about support improvements.  There is always Hotline.org for reading material and a voice on the phone.

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Code:

It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you.

One of the things abusers do, according to the many, many websites and other resources I have researched, is to blame the victim directly or indirectly for the abuse.

In the midst of the abuse, he did this by blaming my attitude, my failure to meet some perceived need or want, the look on my face, my "mental instability", my perceived alliance with those whom he believed were conspiring against him or sabotaging him, me "pushing his buttons" on purpose, etc.

Not too long ago when I had made some comment about the abuse and the trauma it caused, he said "and who made the choice to stay?"

And that is exactly the question and attitude I have gotten from the dv services director, the directors of both the homeless shelters, my sisters, and child protective services.

I have been blamed for being in an abusive relationship and blamed for leaving and going back and blamed for not leaving sooner and blamed for not immediately divorcing and cutting all ties.

Basically I have been blamed for being human, and for experiencing all the conflicting emotions and confusion that results from trauma.

Research shows that dv survivors experience trauma that is identical to the trauma that soldiers in a war zone experience.
Yet I feel that I have not been allowed to experience the natural results of abuse without judgment, and that has caused me to internalize criticism and not allow myself to be OK with not being OK.

Sometimes when I post here i half expect you guys to be like, what are you doing? You're making this so hard on yourself, just get away from him, what is wrong with you, if you choose to continue contact then you don't have the right to complain, it's your own fault... .

Except you guys don't say that, and I am grateful for the support. You guys respect my choices and try to help me through the difficulties. Even if I am contributing to the difficulties. Which I am, probably.

Patrick Doyle, if any of you have watched him on YouTube, is a Christian counselor, and he talks about the "committee in your head".

Mine is made up of all the blaming, judgmental words that I heard about how even if his behavior was abusive, something is "not right" about me for not leaving and severing contact at the first sign of it.

Today is a really emotional day. I have burst into tears at least twice. And I hardly ever cry. I get angry, but hardly ever cry.

Thanks for being here y'all.
Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Redeemed,
I totally understand how all that awful judgment can affect you. I experienced that myself when I interviewed divorce attorneys when I was getting out of my first marriage.

It’s ignorant, certainly not compassionate and quite frankly, those who judged you are just lucky they’ve never experienced what you have.

As so many of us understand, abusive relationships don’t start off that way. They begin gradually and there’s always something positive that we believe that will return, so we endure, wait out the ugliness and hope for our loved one’s better angels to re-emerge.

And then there are many things that tie us together: children, property, relatives, friends, places, memories. It’s incredibly ignorant and thoughtless to tell someone to sever ties at once. And it is a very difficult process to do even in the best of times.

I didn’t have children with the man who hit me and knocked the wind out of me, threw me on the ground and put his knees on my chest and his hands on my neck —and this happened several times. On a daily basis he yelled at me, said demeaning things about me, criticicized me relentlessly—even in front of his mother. He also cheated on me countless times and was completely financially irresponsible. Yet I stayed, enduring the havoc and having an unceasing optimism that things could get better if I made the effort.

Well I did that for nearly twenty years and things got slightly better, but it was never, not for a moment, a healthy relationship. Finally I gave up.

I guess I’m determined once I set my mind to things.  

Anyway I’m telling you this because I understand how it feels to have people look down on you for staying and I had much less of a reason to stay than you.

Cat

[Harley Quinn]

Me too.  I thought I could help him.  I loved him.  I lost my son in the process.  You're not alone Redeemed.  We do get it.  So let yourself off the hook.  I was criticised by my family and had no support around me apart from one friend who also had been in an abusive r/s and knew what it was like to love someone who hurts you.  Don't criticise yourself.  You're doing the best you can with what you have and what you know.  You deserve help and the kind that doesn't make you feel bad.  The DV services are supposed to provide that.  I hope they can yet. 

In fact, another service that is there to provide help, (and you won't like this because neither would I when they had taken my son), is children's services.  You have a different angle now to your past dealings with them.  You clearly acknowledge that you feel unsafe and are concerned about both your own and S2's wellbeing around your H.  Their job is to support parents in that position and help you to protect the both of you.  There are strings that they can pull to get you support from other agencies.  Perhaps it would help you in more ways than one to be the one that calls them this time.  Maybe they could put something in place regards visitation which would take things out of your hands regards making arrangements and ensure that S2 and yourself are always safe during that time. 

It's been an emotional day for you.  Sleep on it.  Nothing has to happen this very second, whatever you decide, and I wanted to share my thoughts as a possible option for you to think over.  Maybe it's worth looking into their processes in your area.  For now, you need to get some rest if you can.  It's good to cry and let some of these emotions out.  Following that our bodies tend to want to restore themselves.  Try to get a good sleep tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day full of possibility   

[I Am Redeemed]

I don't trust anyone in the child services agencies around here. The last time I did call them for help, when I thought my son was in immediate danger, they didn't even go investigate the incident until two days later. Then they pulled my file and proceeded to threaten to take my son for the next two months.

Now they won't even return my calls.

I am going to search for a good church family, now that I have changed my work schedule. I need more support anywhere I can get it.

Thank God for you all and your kind words of encouragement.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

That's great to hear.  I'm so glad you have a plan to gain extra support for yourself.  Good news that your work schedule is better suited to this now for you.  Be sure to protect that time for yourself.  It's important.  

Love and light x

[BeagleGirl]

Redeemed,
I just got caught up on what has been going on with you lately and I wanted to let you know that there is another person out there who is praying for you and amazed at your courage.

I am going to ask a question that I know from experience can inspire guilt and shame, but I am praying right now that "the committee" be silenced when you read it.

Are you getting your time with God?

I have had a really busy and emotionally draining week and this morning worked through the FOG that the enemy wants to attach to that question.  I sat in my "safe place" and opened up a book that has been speaking into my life and drawing me closer to God.  I feel like the words I read were meant for you as well.  This passage is speaking of the "thresholds" in our lives where we are asked to shed something in order to experience the transformation God is offering.  The "they" in the passage are "the wise old woman within" and God.

"They will tell you it is time, but only if you want it to be.  They will not coerce you into anything.  They'll just show you that a door has presented itself and you are now aware of it.  You much choose to walk through, walk across the threshold of shedding and separating, or freeze, or walk away.
Whatever you choose, they will be with you.
You will not be left or abandoned.  God will not be disgusted with you.  Ever.  In that way, God is not like the people in your life.  God doesn't tire of your struggle and your back-and-forth and your uncertainty.  God doesn't grow weary of your winding path."

I know that a lot of my pain over the past several years has been rooted in my distrust of God.  I avoided the disappointment and disgust that I thought He would have for me.  I thought He would look at me the way my earthly father was looking at me.  And yet now I know that even that winding road of keeping God at arm's length did not exhaust His love for me.

I am praying with and for you that you will be able to know the height and depth and breadth of His love for you in this moment, and that it will be revealed in a rain of resources to help you as you face these thresholds in your life.

BG

"

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you BG,

I am not getting as much time as I need with God. I do a daily devotional, and pray throughput the day, but I need much more.

We are going to church tomorrow. Don't know where, but God will lead us to the right church home. Got to get out and try.

I feel a breakthrough coming on

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Here goes, y'all, full confession of what a pushover I am and the lesson I learned from it:

I gave in to his pleas to bring s2 to see him again. Mostly because of I am tired and emotionally drained, which is usually how he gets what he wants from me- he wears me down until I give in. Pattern identified. I know that my thinking tends to get distorted during this state, because otherwise I would not make some of the decisions I have made. I also tend to think that there isn't anything I can do about it.

  I feel like the words I read were meant for you as well.  This passage is speaking of the "thresholds" in our lives where we are asked to shed something in order to experience the transformation God is offering.  The "they" in the passage are "the wise old woman within" and God.

"They will tell you it is time, but only if you want it to be.  They will not coerce you into anything.  They'll just show you that a door has presented itself and you are now aware of it.  You much choose to walk through, walk across the threshold of shedding and separating, or freeze, or walk away.
Whatever you choose, they will be with you.
You will not be left or abandoned.  God will not be disgusted with you.  Ever.  In that way, God is not like the people in your life.  God doesn't tire of your struggle and your back-and-forth and your uncertainty.  God doesn't grow weary of your winding path."

I am praying with and for you that you will be able to know the height and depth and breadth of His love for you in this moment, and that it will be revealed in a rain of resources to help you as you face these thresholds in your life.

BG

"

I have been "freezing", because I didn't know how to do something different, and feeling bound to repeat past patterns because I didn't know how not to.

So, back to the visit story. I took s2 to see him, against every thought telling me this is a bad idea, you can't sustain this, etc. H put some kind of stop leak stuff in the van to see if it would stop running hot until I can get the repair done. I asked again for the title. He turned that around on me, basically claiming he was holding the title because of my decision-making skills (i.e., the fact that the last car I bought was crap and lasted only about five months, that the person who I let work on it didn't know what they were doing, that I am driving this van now while it's running hot- which it only does if it idles, like in a drive-thru, and that's only happened twice and it didn't overheat bc I turned the defrost on and the gauge went back down- and that his boss agrees with him that it's an indicator of poor decision making that I would be driving this van before fixing it or having the desire to put tags on it {triangulation} ). Classic reasons abusers give for their manipulative and controlling ways: "I'm doing this because I'm looking out for you."

He called me controlling for wanting the title back in my possession instead of letting him hold on to it. My title. To my van. That belongs to me.

He had bought me flowers (which I have never cared about, I am not a ''flower'' type of girl) and two cards. One of the cards basically said stuff like "we've both said things that we didn't mean" and "let's not throw the good times away" and "we can start over". I saw it as a big long way of saying "it's not all my fault, and can we just forget about it."

He kept sitting really close to me on the bed, trying to lay on me, kept staring at me in a way that made me feel like he was looking for evidence that his attempts at pulling my heartstrings might be working. I kept looking away, looking at s2, looking at the tv, anything but looking at him staring at me. I felt like this in itself was pressure to give him something he wanted that I wasn't ready to give (and maybe never will be.)

He wanted us to stay the night. I didn't want to do that. I told him I wasn't comfortable with doing that. He seemed sad about it but patted me on the knee and said "You do what you want. No pressure."

That was just a setup to disarm me and make me feel safe enough to do what he ultimately wanted me to do, which was stay.

Then the old familiar crazy making stuff started.

He said he wasn't staying in that hotel much longer, that he was going to find somewhere else to go because he felt that people were spying on him, "all in his business" and slandering him. These kind of thoughts are recurrent with him, they usually show up after he has been in a particular situation for a minute- a job, a neighborhood, a church- he starts getting paranoid thoughts and begins to take benign comments as being directed towards him with a hidden meaning that usually is threatening.

He then began the "games."

He got up and pulled his shorts down to where they were ''sagging'', to get a reaction from me. And I immediately knew why, and this is the reason:

My roommates are of a different race than me. He professes to be a person who respects all races and cultures, but the opposite is actually true. He actually is very racist and prejudiced, and he tends to stereotype people according to race.

I knew he was doing the sagging pants thing to taunt me because my roommates are people of color, and he was making fun of them in a racist way. He assumes that my roommates are drug dealers and gang affiliated because of their race, which is as far from the truth as saying the sky is red, and he was trying to get a reaction form me.

I simply said, are you showing off your tan line?

And he laughed and said "just trying to make you feel at home."

I said, "not everyone wears their clothes that way." And I left it at that.

But he couldn't leave it alone. He brought up a girl that I had briefly known in the AA meetings nearly eight years ago when we first met. I had given her a ride a couple of times, and helped her move some stuff into the apartment she was renting. I barely knew her. But she had dated a person of another race. And my h, over the years, has continually used my brief association with this girl as evidence that I myself might have or might be seeing a person of another race, which would be the ultimate betrayal to him. (side note- his ex-wife  left him for a person of color) This conversation has no purpose except to verbally and emotionally abuse me, and I have been subjected to it many times over the last seven plus years. So I made my mind up that it was not going to happen and I stood up and gathered up our stuff to leave.

And that triggered what I knew to be true all along- he has not changed, and he proved it.

We made it out to the car and he snapped. Got in my face and snarled "Go ahead, run back to where you feel comfortable" and then made some vulgar comments about me sucking d@$%. He had s2 in his arms while he was in my face, and I said "give me my son". I had put my purse and s2's bag in the passenger seat, and he went around to put s2 in the other side, telling me the whole time that I wasn't getting the title back, that he signed it and sent it off, and then I noticed my purse wasn't where I just put it. I jumped out of the car and ran around to the other side, he chased me and grabbed it and we struggled for it until I yelled for him to give it to me and he let go, but not before the strap broke on it. As soon as I ran back to the drivers side he grabbed the keys out of the ignition and started to walk off. I chased him and tried to grab them, he wouldn't give them to me until I yelled that I was calling the police. He let go of them and then tried to go back to s2. I told him to get out of my van and I grabbed my purse to hold it so he couldn't take it again. He started to panic then because he knew he had messed up bad, and he tried to get in the driver's side door to block me from leaving but I closed the door on him. I drove off with him begging me to let s2 still come to church with him in the morning( I had thought of talking to the man who takes him to church to see if that might be a visitation option. This man did the Bible study with the inmates in jail, he knows why my h was in jail and I had considered approaching him for help regarding a safe way for s2 to visit h without me being alone with him.) But there is no way that is happening now.

He has called and called and sent countless texts. I have answered none of them. They range from bargaining (I'll give you whatever you want, just let me take s2 to church) to excuses (you caught me in a weak moment; I'm emotionally confused), blaming (I'm sorry you're full of mixed emotions over this, but our children are something different. don't confuse them because your feelings are more important to you than theirs), twisted apologies for something other than the abusive behavior (I knew the flowers and cards was too soon, i apologize it threw you into an emotional rollercoaster) , promises (I will take it slowly and just wanted you to know you're worth changing for), and attempts at conversation that totally ignores the outburst of abusive behavior that just occurred (call when you get a chance, love you, did s2 fall asleep on the way home, is s2 awake yet, can he go to church with me this afternoon while you go to work.) This is his "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" routine. Pretend it didn't happen.

I have not and will not respond to any of this. I will contact the seller of the van on Monday, explain the situation, and ask him to file for lost title. He has already moved out of state, but I think you can file online. If I have to pay him for his trouble, I will. If it causes him to decide not to rent the house he just moved out of to my h, so be it.

There will be no more visitation with s2 until I can file for either legal separation or divorce and get something settled in court.

I am taking a break from all contact with him. I may have to eventually communicate with him because of court proceedings and visitation, but I am ending all contact right now.

He tries to tell me that he can't prove to me that he has changed if he doesn't have the chance to be around me and s2. In other words, he needs us to come back and live with him again and then he will have the chance to prove he has changed, instead of being willing to go through the long process of uncovering all the beliefs and thinking patterns behind his abusive behaviors, identifying them and learning new behaviors, acknowledging the full extent of the damage he has caused and allowing me as much time and space to heal as necessary, and accepting that earning back trust is part of the consequences for breaking it so severely in the first place.

Yet, the limited contact we have had was ample enough for him to show me the exact opposite of what he claims- he has not changed, he is just as controlling, manipulative and abusive as ever, and he thinks he can treat me however he wants without consequence.

No more. I will have no more of it. I have made up my mind, and I think it may be time that I move to the Detaching Board. I don't see much in the way of hope for this marriage, not when the person responsible for the abuse is blame shifting, denying, minimizing, making excuses, and not taking action steps to correct any problem behaviors. He wants me to find him a program or therapist that doesn't interfere with his work. He still wants me to do all the work in the relationship. If he was interested in real change, he would seek out available help resources on his own. Instead he wants me to set it all up so he can check it off the list and say 'see, I did that for you.". Nope.

I thank you guys for helping me on this journey and for your patience, understanding and encouragement. A new chapter is starting.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[formflier]

   

Reminders of why there is an order of protection... .

Please be kind to yourself

FF

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, Redeemed, I don't think you're a pushover.     I think you're a very compassionate woman who wanted to let her son visit with his father.

You now recognize the pattern of how he wears you down with asking until you're exhausted and you give in.  It's great to have that overview and it will serve you well in the future.     Sometimes it just takes seeing the pattern repeated a few times to confirm that's what you're observing.  

And apart from your pattern, you're seeing the repetitive patterns that he's engaging in--wanting you to resume the relationship and not doing any of the necessary work on himself to atone for the damage he's inflicted in your life.

You're seeing plainly that he has not changed and it's sad that he's thrown away yet another chance you've given him. But that makes things crystal clear regarding what you want to do. And though painful, it's a blessing to know what's right in your heart and mind.  

Cat

[Harley Quinn]

No more.

This is the point, as victims of abuse, that we must reach in our own time.  I'm so sorry that you've had to be in all of the situations that brought you to this point. 

In my experience, there come a lot of emotions after this.  Be compassionate when they arise.  You're going through a lot and will have a lot to process.  We're here with you for all of that.

Redeemed, well done for finding your strength to make a decision which gives you that peace you so badly need.  I feel great relief for you. 

Please pursue all the support you can muster and continue to keep yourself safe.  How do you plan to prevent the calls and texts from disturbing you?  Will you keep your phone on silent?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

This is the point, as victims of abuse, that we must reach in our own time.  I'm so sorry that you've had to be in all of the situations that brought you to this point. 

In my experience, there come a lot of emotions after this.  Be compassionate when they arise.  You're going through a lot and will have a lot to process.  We're here with you for all of that.

Redeemed, well done for finding your strength to make a decision which gives you that peace you so badly need.  I feel great relief for you. 

Please pursue all the support you can muster and continue to keep yourself safe.  How do you plan to prevent the calls and texts from disturbing you?  Will you keep your phone on silent?

Love and light x

I do keep my phone on silent. I try to just scan the texts without dwelling on them.

The emotions are tough and fluctuate. Sad, mad, relief, anxiety, guilt, and back again.

I try to remember, especially when he sends texts saying he loves me and he would do it all over again even if we break up, that there's many parts of our relationship that would not wish to do over again. Ever. Most of it, in fact.

Some batterers only display acts of violence a couple times a year, maybe three or four. I endured physical assaults, even if it was just throwing something like a lighter at me or having him spit at me or thump ashes from his cigarette on me, about once every four to six weeks. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I think the longest period with no physical assaults was seven months. Although there may have been a time in there when he threw a drink on me because the car was breaking down and it was somehow my fault.

Every pregnancy I endured physical abuse. Just days before giving birth, sometimes the day before giving birth.

No. I would not do it all over. I will not do it over.

It is sad. But it's what I have to work with, so I will do my best to be my best.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Redeemed,
I remember clearly the last time my former husband attacked me and getting to the place of “no more, never again”. He tried all his usual tactics to get me back in line and was astonished that they no longer worked. But I was done, forever.

Thinking back on what he’d done to me over the years, I was amazed to think of all the times he’d physically attacked me and how he’d somehow justified it in his mind that his behavior was a reasonable thing to do.

Then I thought about how it started so gradually and the verbal abuse became so normalized and then after the physical violence happened, he’d apologize and be remorseful for a day... .and then the cycle would start again.

Thinking about it now, many years later, I remember how he’d flip without warning and I’d be so dumbstruck that I’d just freeze and hope the attack would be over soon. I’ve always thought there was no excuse for violent behavior toward another person, but I’m amazed that I never fought back physically. I had martial arts training and he wasn’t that much bigger than me. I think it comes down to not wanting to hurt him. Isn’t that interesting?

I’m so sorry, Redeemed, at all you’ve been through. It will take a while to process all those emotions that you’re feeling right now. I understand.  

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

He is trying to make me feel guilty. Says that I am not answering him just because I am mad and didn't get my way (about what? Him not giving me the title that he stole from me?) And says that I hurt him when I left and took s2 that night when he wanted us to stay.

I left because my instincts were telling me that he was gearing up to draw me into a pointless conversation designed to be verbally and emotionally abusive. A setup to talk about his perceived view of me and how he disapproves of it and how he uses that as a basis for not trusting me and how he uses that as evidence that I am lying now... .all made up in his head... .

I didn't want to spend my night enduring that, and I chose not to, and he flipped out. Because that behavior was just under the surface anyway, waiting to erupt, and I could sense it.

Talk about PTSD triggers... .

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

Redemmed, the author Lundy Bancroft, without going into pathology, talks about emotional and physical spousal abuse his two books.

I have, "Should I Stay or Should I Go."  This is the companion book to, "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

Both books are excellent. 

I can completely understand where Cat is coming from.  I day you make up your mind and say to yourself, "No more."  Everyone had a tolerance level and one day this notion arrives:  no more.

 

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Asking Why,

I have Should I Stay or Should I Go. I actually have two copies. Because I thought I ordered Why Does He Do That, and I got two of the other instead 

I am going to order it again and make sure it is right this time.

UBPDh's attorney came in to my work to eat. Told him about the stolen title. He said I can file suit against him. He knows how difficult uBPDh is.

He is now resorting to texting me and saying he's worried about me because I am not answering.

Looking back at the texts, I see a lot of classic manipulation tactics.

Trying to stay focused. Concentration is hard.

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

Hi Asking Why,

I have Should I Stay or Should I Go. I actually have two copies. Because I thought I ordered Why Does He Do That, and I got two of the other instead 

I am going to order it again and make sure it is right this time.

UBPDh's attorney came in to my work to eat. Told him about the stolen title. He said I can file suit against him. He knows how difficult uBPDh is.

He is now resorting to texting me and saying he's worried about me because I am not answering.

Looking back at the texts, I see a lot of classic manipulation tactics.

Trying to stay focused. Concentration is hard.

Redeemed

Redeemed, you are doing the best your can by researching and looking for answers.  You are not about to make rash decisions, but informed and careful ones.  This is hard in a marriage where emotions are the first things we look at.  You have children and that complicates the issues.  You are strong and I admire you. 

Your eyes are open.

 

[Harley Quinn]

I'm just catching up as I wait for a bus so will have to make it short. Could you A leave the messages unread B ask your housemate to screen them and let you know if there is anything of actual importance you need to read C set a boundary on yourself to only look at them once every (insert number of days) D ask him to stop because you want some space? The last one, given the possibility of extinction burst, might be best talked through with the DV hotline (if you've given up on local support).

Be proud of yourself Redeemed.  I'm afraid to say that this inner strength you have found is likely the stage that CPS were wanting from you when the children were placed with your sister. I say that as I know it's what they wanted from me when my son was removed from my home. Looking back I have a better understanding of the process on their part. They do not however have an understanding of the fact that this happens in its own time, nor do they have any interest in that. All they care about is the safety of the children whether they are genuinely at risk or it is a perceived risk. They have set criteria which if not met prompts them to act.

The fact that you are now there (no longer willing to consider going back, or to be manipulated in any way) ought to be a positive with them regards the case of your other kids in time. Safe mother = safe children.  Just something to keep in mind. 

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,

I would say that could be true of cps, except that they were pushing the court to give my sister guardianship while my youngest son remained in my custody. That to me is evidence that the children's interests and protection were not the driving force for them, because arguing that a situation is not safe for five children while allowing one child to remain in it makes no sense.

And no, they don't understand the process it takes to get here, nor did they offer help for me. I was left trying to jump through hoops while grieving the separation from my children, and I was just beginning to realize that my h has several issues with mental illness and I had hoped that he could be diagnosed and receive treatment and get better.

It was only this year when I read Should I Stay or Should I Go that I realized that substance abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior are three separate and complex issues. Treatment of one doesn't mean the others will remit.

I am going to stop reading the texts for now. I am too emotional and I have homework that is piling up and I am stressing about getting it done. Plus the texts just make me sad or mad and I don't need that.

I have tried doing the online chat at the dv hotline but I never get connected and then I will have to get off the computer to tend to s2 or one of the other babies I watch in the mornings. I may have a chance to call before work today, when my friend takes over watching the kids.

Thanks for your continued support,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Redeemed,
Something I did when I received really hateful letters from my BPD mother was to have my roommate read them and tell me if there was anything important that I should know.

She was amazed at the awful things that my mother said and it was quite a bonding experience for the two of us. I was so grateful that she would read them and save me from the emotional distress that my mother's words would have inflicted. We're still very good friends, decades later and though she lives a few states away, she visits me when she can.

Right now you're too raw to endure the onslaught of those texts. I hope you can have a trusted friend sort through them for you.

   
Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat,

I have kept the extent of my recent contact with uBPDh largely a secret from everyone, mainly because I think it makes me look foolish and I don't want to answer questions like "why are you doing that?"

I think this is why I feel so isolated. I did tell my roommate that I was bringing s2 to see him, because she has more understanding since she recently ended a six year relationship with an abusive man who also has a mental health disorder. She has a two year old son with this man as well. But I have not told her about the stolen title, or this last incident of him breaking my purse and getting in my face, mostly because our schedules are so different now and I may not even see her at home for a few days straight. She leaves early, I get home late.

I did tell some of the details to a couple of girls at work who have also had abusive relationships. It's kind of scary how many people have experienced abusive behavior from a relationship partner.

I seriously doubt any of the texts are anything I need to read. It's basically an erratic means of wearing me down until I respond to him. Kind of like pushing all sorts of different buttons on a control panel until you find one that does what you want it to do.

When I am tempted to feel sorry for him, I remember that his behavior is not the way a person who loves me would act. It is more of a clear indication that his needs and wants are still priority, regardless of the cost to me.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

I have kept the extent of my recent contact with uBPDh largely a secret from everyone, mainly because I think it makes me look foolish and I don't want to answer questions like "why are you doing that?"

Yes, I understand. I kept things hidden about my first marriage for the same reasons. I think it would be helpful if you trusted one person and let them into the secrets. You might be surprised to find that “sunlight is the best disinfectant.” And that people might be more understanding than you give them credit for. Granted, you have to select someone who is emotionally mature and is compassionate.

Of course you feel isolated, you’ve been keeping his secrets for years. I did too.

Yes, there many of us who’ve endured abuse from a mentally ill partner. It’s sad, but true. And most of us have hidden it because we didn’t want others to know, either to protect our partners or out of our own shame.

You’re right that those texts are meant to wear you down and he’s trying everything in his playbook that has worked upon you in the past. And good for you that you’re not reading them. 

And you’re right, someone who truly loves you would not behave in this way.  

Cat

[Harri]

This thread has been locked due to reaching the post limit.  Please feel free to continue this conversation in a new thread if you choose.

A follow-on thread can be found here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329329.0;all