Hello - I need to heal myself - this is my goal

[Fyreb1rd]

My husband's diagnosis is only around 3 weeks old, but we've been struggling with issues for close to 10 years now.  At first I assumed that I was the problem but after a lot of self reflection I realized that I wasn't the one that changed, he had.  I implored he seek outside help since nothing I said made an impact and for years he resisted, insisting that he didn't have a problem.  I sought therapy only to be told that there was nothing wrong with me, that it was my husband that needed help, so, I told him that if he didn't seek out therapy that I would leave him.

It has still been ever more years worth of useless therapy before he has finally taken it seriously, but, now he is.  For years he was just diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues but even after getting a really good therapist, his progress was so slow and full of backslides.  Eventually, though, he shared how drastically and fast his moods shift and seem uncontrollable.  I had never heard him describe himself that way and it made me question what may be going on with him.  

I did some research and came across BPD.  My husband has been demonstrating 7 of the 9 diagnosis criteria for BPD.  So, I shared what I had found with his therapist who seemed to take it in, but didn't change the focus of his treatment.  Just a few weeks later, my husband "bottomed out" and refused to come home at all because he didn't want to hurt us anymore.  I got him to speak to a support counselor on the phone who got him to go to a psychiatric hospital.  It was there that his diagnosis was shifted to BPD and his therapy shifted and new conversations about his treatment began.  

But, like I said that was only 3 weeks ago, so, all of this is very new to me.  I have a lot to learn, but, I am here because the pain and loneliness that I have experienced are not new.  I have suffered in silence for all this time and, as has been pointed out to me, I need to heal myself, too.  So, that is my goal.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

So glad you reached out to us. You say you need to heal too after so many years of dealing with the pain of a difficult marriage to a man with BPD. We are here to support you and listen. Many of us who post on this Board are in the process of healing from painful all consuming relationships with family members with BPD in our lives.

[Fyreb1rd]

So glad you reached out to us. You say you need to heal too after so many years of dealing with the pain of a difficult marriage to a man with BPD. We are here to support you and listen. Many of us who post on this Board are in the process of healing from painful all consuming relationships with family members with BPD in our lives.

I know and I'm so grateful that this place exists.   

[pearlsw]

Hi Fryeb1rd,

Glad you found the site too! It can be a good way to have extra support and understanding through what can be very confusing relationship issues - that's for sure!

Despite your husband having the diagnosed mental illness, it is nevertheless worth examining yourself in terms of your relationship with your partner and being willing to make changes regarding communication. I made that mistake early on - thinking he was all the problem and I was just fine. While I am fine, that didn't mean I couldn't embrace change along the process of working with him through his issues, and they were many. It is always, always good to totally reexamine your communication efforts and take a beginner's mind approach. Assume you are making mistakes, toss all your assumptions, and rebuild from scratch. You might find it liberating, I know I did. And I'm still wrong, and I still make mistakes, and I could still word things better. Okay. Fine.  I just remind myself, work on it and keep moving forward. No reason to be down on myself, I just keep trying, hard days, mistakes and all. What else is there to do?

Living with someone with mental health issues is bound to wear you down a bit, and the damage can be more than you may realize at first glance. Even therapists need therapists to sustain themselves with all that comes at them, especially from BPD patients from what I've read.

Can you tell us more about your pain and hurt? What has been missing? Feeling understood? Feeling able to have your whole range of moods?

sincerely, pearl.

[Fyreb1rd]

... .Despite your husband having the diagnosed mental illness, it is nevertheless worth examining yourself in terms of your relationship with your partner and being willing to make changes regarding communication. ... .

Oh yes, I know.  I've just gotten "Stop Walking on Eggshells" because it was one of two books that h's latest psychiatrist recommended for us to get and work through.  Just the title alone made me want to read it because that is the exact term I've been using for a long time before his diagnosis.  I've been desperate for change for years and I want to embrace any positive change in our lives that I can.  I know I have a whole new vocabulary to learn as well as look at myself and make the changes I need to help both of us and, for right now at least,  I feel totally dedicated to making that happen.

Can you tell us more about your pain and hurt? What has been missing? Feeling understood? Feeling able to have your whole range of moods?

I feel all of that and more: unloved, neglected, used, manipulated, in short, abused. I threw out some things in another post I left last night when I couldn't sleep in the other SO forum to try and vent a little to calm my mind.  I've been bearing years of this behavior without knowing what it was or why this was happening.  At first, back in 2011, I noticed him distancing himself from me and I assumed it was because of something I did.  We had such a close relationship before but I know now that it was only because my husband was keeping his BPD hidden successfully.  Back then, it took me a lot longer to stop blaming and beating up on myself and realize that that the source was h and had little or nothing to do with my behavior.

To make a long story short, I had to threatened to leave him if he wouldn't seek therapy.  Once there, he lied to his therapists, telling them that he was feeling better while keeping the same bad habits and cycles going at home.  He was more concerned with his therapists liking him than getting help.  More and more of my life became about him and managing him and trying not trigger his anger and make him defensive and just him, him, him, him, HIM! I now attend his therapy sessions with him to keep him honest and give his current therapist an outsider's POV of what's happening with him.

I feel that I am a person that is very aware of herself.  When things are off I can't stop thinking about it until I know what's wrong.  I have always focused on listening to my instinct and my conscience for guidance. All I want is for my like to stop feeling like the same horrible merry-go-round full of shame, despair and hate and unhealthy behaviors.  Over the years, my instincts have been telling me to get away from this toxic atmosphere; from this nightmare.  I've calmed it by countering it with reminding myself of my marriage vows, for better or worse.  I remind myself that the man I married is still there, wanting to come out, like he says.  I know he's suffering and I feel guilty when I get frustrated and angry with his behavior despite the repeated conversations about what he needs to be focused on.  At this point I just feel loyal to a fault.

For MYSELF I need to reassert my needs.  I know that I am a good person and a good mother.  I need to remind myself of what's important for ME.  I need love, acceptance, appreciation and balance.  I need independence, too.  That's the hardest one for me right now.  On top of all this is our mentally disabled daughter.  She requires near constant care as she is very dependent on others.  That means that I can't just decide to go out and do what I want.  I have to make sure that she is taken care of first.  I am very isolated and I need other people in my life. I need to feel like a whole person again.

My biggest hope is that he will work towards managing his BPD with the new direction it's taking with DBT.  I cannot say how awesome it feels to have "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It's the first book I've gotten that's for ME.  It's meant to help ME!  I am focused on reading, studying and applying all the info I can glean from it in my life.  Also, having this place to come is such a relief.  Just knowing that other people are going through similar struggles and feel like I do is such a relief. 

Like all things in life, this too, is a process.  I do worry that I have a lot of hurt to work through for myself in order to be a good support.  I have been struggling more and more frequently with bouts of depression but they don't last longer than a day at a time.  I have faith in myself that if changes can be made that things will get better for my family.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fryeb1rd,

Oh yes, tough relationships can really wear you down! It's great that you are putting yourself at the center of your concerns. You will need your strength to get re-centered and start working on yourself.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is an insightful book, but I think you will find that there is a lot of great information here too! Many different angles are covered here if you spend time peeking around and seeing the range of resources here. Let me point you to these readings that may help supplement what you are learning:

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver

Is your partner able to recognize any of the impact this has on you?

take care, pearl.

[Fyreb1rd]

Stop Walking on Eggshells is an insightful book, but I think you will find that there is a lot of great information here too! Many different angles are covered here if you spend time peeking around and seeing the range of resources here. Let me point you to these readings that may help supplement what you are learning: ... .

Thank you for those - I've been trying to eek out time to familiarize myself with all the info here and glean what I can from posts, too.  This place is an absolute TREASURE! 

Is your partner able to recognize any of the impact this has on you?

He is when he's in a calm, rational place.  Unfortunately, I think it's contributed to his decline, though.  His primary drive is his sense of shame and when he realizes that he's hurt me and/or our kids, it gets exponentially worse.