Wants to be friends

[Nixie_3]

So I haven't seen my BPDh in about two months. I've offered several times to continue going to therapy while I stay at my parents' house. He has responded by saying "why would I want to talk to you" or calling me selfish and the worse person and saying he "hates me with every breath". That to me seems pretty clear there's no interest. However if he texts me in ways that sound like he still wants something from me and a few days ago (after I helped him with something) he texts that he'll always love me and hopes we can be friends and I can come get my things at my convenience but then also says crap about how I "hurt him over and over" and we definitely can't be married and I "broke the dogs" heart and don't try and pick the locks to the house. Dude, I feel like I shouldn't have even answered the phone and helped him (he got pulled over and I manage the car insurance so he was asking me to text a picture of the proof of insurance). I responded saying something like you're welcome, I also will always love you, I hope you're happy. It took me a while to respond because that message was so push/pull to me. He replied to that saying he is happy and he can't wait till we get our paperwork done (to divorce) so we never have to see each other again. I said, I'm confused, you just said you wanted to be friends? And he says since I didn't say that I am self-absorbed and don't say things to make him feel better or something and he's going to block me because he doesn't "want to go back and forth". 
  I just am having a hard time deciding how I feel. Part of me does want to be friends. It seems so odd and sad that I haven't even seen him or really talked to him in about two months, this man who was (and still is as we have not filed) my husband. It's really difficult for me to think about that too long. Another part of me never wants to talk to him or think about him again because he has been so hurtful. Yes, my mind can understand that these behaviors come from a disordered mind but my heart has a very hard time with this man whom I love and had planned on spending my life with repainting a picture in his mind of me and our life together that is all black and untrue. He has been truly cruel to me and I feel like an idiot for even considering being friends. It may be irrelevant what I want anyway, it usually seems to be; he has to hear what he wants to hear or he gives me the cold shoulder all while accusing me of not caring about anyone elses' feelings while he tramples all over mine.  I just really had to vent.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Nixie_3,  


  I’m glad you found us and are posting.  We are here, as a community, to help you through this difficult time.  You are grieving over the loss of some pretty big hopes and dreams and that can really hurt.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Continued


So you must be feeling really sad and somewhat confused over these mixed messages. In my experience, pwBPD are reacting to what they are feeling at the moment - I love you... .I hate you and on and on.  This can be confusing because when most of us hear, “I care about you and hope we can be friends.”  We think that things are looking up and we start looking for ways to build on this hopefulness, only to have our hopes dashed when the feeling passed and now we hear, “I hate you and can’t wait for the relationship to be over”. Or something similar. 

I know exactly how this feels because I have been going through this myself.   I have cut through the confusion though by coming to terms with the fact that when my husband feels these different emotions, he reacts to the  emotion in the moment.  That his feelings will change and so will the messages he gives me.

Instead of taking my cue from him, I have been deciding what I want my life to be like and taking action to create that life for myself.

How long were you together?  Were you going to marriage counseling? 

 Breakups are stressful.  What do you do to take care of yourself?

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe .   

[Nixie_3]

Thank you for your reply, Mustbe. Yes, we were going to marriage counseling but anytime I bring up an issue he can't handle it and says that I "just think the worst" of him instead of actually listening to me. After our last session he was so upset he wanted someone else to pick him up even though my brother was waiting for me and the plan was to meet my husband's family for dinner. We have been married for three years and together for four. Perhaps putting things in the perspective would help. I was thinking earlier today that there's a line from Peter Pan about fairies where he says that fairies are so small they can only feel one thing at a time so when they are good they are all good and when they are bad, they are very bad indeed (or something like that). That just really reminds me of my husband right now. I do try to take care of myself, I see a counselor on my own and I've been trying to socialize with friends and family more. I just wish things weren't so confusing and frustrating.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, Nixie_3,

The Peter Pan thing sounds spot on. Good to hear that you are taking care of yourself.  Four years is a big chunk of your life and most of us go into marriage hoping and believing it will last forever.  it's hard to believe, but time really does help with healing.  Be patient with yourself. 

Marriage counseling didn't work for us either.  My husband thought the counselor was against him and for me.  .?  I went to a lot of trouble to find a neutral counselor.

Good that you are seeing a counselor yourself and surrounding yourself with friends and family.

I understand that things are confusing and frustrating.  I think you are right about putting things in perspective.  Have you read Codependent No More?  There is a chapter about not being blown about by every wind.  She talks about choosing to react or not to react to whatever is happening to us at the moment.  It's been really helpful to me. 

Mustbeabetterway

[bus boy]

It's heartbreaking to read the things your husband calls you. It brings back memories of how my ex wife talked to me.
  They are nobody's friend. Ex wife has been friendlier than normal lately and although I go along with it I still don't trust her. They are sneaky devious liers at the best. The last person I want to be friends with is my ex wife.

[Lucky Jim]

It may be irrelevant what I want anyway, it usually seems to be; he has to hear what he wants to hear or he gives me the cold shoulder all while accusing me of not caring about anyone elses' feelings while he tramples all over mine. 

Hey Nixie, No, what you want is not irrelevant; in fact, I think it's the starting point.  Suggest you put yourself first for a change.  What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

Nixie, it's hard isn't it? I live in that world too. He wants to reconcile, but at every turn he's prepared to pull out the vindictiveness again.

From his perspective, I'm neglectful. But what wife would want to be close to someone who is ready to slash and burn at any sign of doubt or distrust?

He wants me to throw out our two young adults and twenty years of relationships to "start over" with him. No counselling or accountability, just him. How long would that last? Days at most. Moving won't change the emotional baggage.

It just blows my mind. Anyway, you're not alone.

[Nixie_3]

Meandthee29, my husband is the same way. He has it in his head now I am soley responsible for the break up, that I broke my vows in leaving him and "sold him a life if lies". No accountability, nothing but nastiness now. He'll send me texts of that he wants then block me. I would block him too, but then I'm afraid he'll be even nastier about something if  he expects a response. I have now given up any expectation that things could somehow be fixed. Really and truly I deserve better. I will be better without him, but it is so hard, I very much want to move because everything reminds me of him, but it just isn't sensible at this time. I know moving wouldn't necessarily make me feel better anyway, but I'm tired of being sad about things that make me think of him when he blocks me and erases me from his Facebook as if I don't exist when we're not even divorced and I did nothing wrong and he is just a giant freaking ass! Sorry, had to vent a little. Anyway, no, we won't be friends, I won't ever talk to him again once everything is finished. How did I ever think he was one of the kindest people I ever met? He is just truly awful, how did I not see it? And now I'm nervouse that I may miss such things in the future. Still venting a bit, got an annoying text from him today. Thanks for the replies.

[MeandThee29]

I will be better without him, but it is so hard, I very much want to move because everything reminds me of him, but it just isn't sensible at this time. I know moving wouldn't necessarily make me feel better anyway, but I'm tired of being sad about things that make me think of him when he blocks me and erases me from his Facebook as if I don't exist when we're not even divorced and I did nothing wrong and he is just a giant freaking ass! Sorry, had to vent a little. Anyway, no, we won't be friends, I won't ever talk to him again once everything is finished. How did I ever think he was one of the kindest people I ever met? He is just truly awful, how did I not see it?

Take a deep breath. The feelings will get better.

I considered moving away several times, but decided that I just had to work through it. I learned to thoughtfully accept and then let go of the bad memories. I would say out loud something like this, "Yes, ABC happened here. It was very painful and hard, but goodbye ABC, you are in the past." Sounds silly, but it worked. Now I'm rarely if ever triggered when I'm out or at home with things we owned.

[Lucky Jim]

I learned to thoughtfully accept and then let go of the bad memories. I would say out loud something like this, "Yes, ABC happened here. It was very painful and hard, but goodbye ABC, you are in the past." Sounds silly, but it worked. Now I'm rarely if ever triggered when I'm out or at home with things we owned.

M&T: Saying it out loud is such a great technique that leads to healing.  Sometimes I say to myself out loud "Delete" or "Cut" when I'm getting into unhealthy thought patterns.  As you suggest, it works!

LJ