He thinks everything I do is me trying to manipulate him... help

[reebod]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We have been struggling for most of it. The last few months have been unbearable. we have had extreme conflicts and fighting and it is tearing us both up. It keeps going back to him thinking that I am “playing games” with him or “___ing” with him. we keep getting into arguments about this and I keep telling him I am not trying to hurt him or do any behavior like this but he sees everything I do as me doing that. The last blowup, that put him over the edge, he ended the phone call saying he was deleting my contact info and never wanted to speak to me again. We had been trying to separate... again... we both can only make it a couple days before we have to talk to each other, we spent the night together and both saying how much we want to be together but how impossible it is. Everytime we do this I try to get him to agree to see a counselor with me to help us to try and sort this out before we see each other again and then I cave and see him anyway. I feel like this is finally it though and he won’t see me again. He is so scared that I am going to “manipulate” him again that he won’t let me back in. The day he went off I had texted him a message saying “yay i can finally work again”. I work from home as a graphic designer and had been such a mess from everything I couldn’t focus and do the work I needed to get done. My computer messaging is set to do not disturb and my phone was off, so I did not see him call me right after I sent it or that he answered my text. I texted him back 5 minutes later, then called him explaining what happened. He ignores me... then I get all messed up in my head/emotional that I accidentally upset him again and that I know what he is thinking that he thinks I am doing it on purpose to mess with him. So I tell him that I am turning my phone off to manage my emotional mess, that I don’t want to go down the emotional rabbit hole and that I will call him at 2:00. He sends me a message at 1:37 and asks if I turned my phone back on? then tells me he is turning his off again too then. We end up talking on the phone at around 3:30. We are having a decent conversation when he starts talking to his roommate in the background telling him in an annoyed voice that his dog took 3 poops and he needs to take care of it. His roommates’ dog is a puppy still getting potty trained and I assume he is inside his house and that the dog has pooped on his carpet. I assumed wrong, they were outside and I didn’t realize it... At this incorrect assumption, my boyfriend just snapped and told me that “that was it, it it’s over”. He has been focusing on this as our issue/my issue and it makes him crazy. he thinks any little miscommunication is me doing it no purpose and ___ing with him because I know it bugs him. I for the life of me cannot get him to believe that I love him so much and just want us to be happy and that I would never manipulate him or do anything like this on purpose. The examples of these incidences are extensive over the last year or so. I cannot get through to him that I am not out to get him, that I just want to be at peace with him. I have been struggling to figure out what the hell is going on and how this can happen and how we can get through it. I keep trying to get him to go to counseling but he keeps getting close and then not doing it. He did with me initially, but then stopped b/c he said he wanted to go by himself which backfired. He ended up just telling the counselor all his stories of me manipulating him and she told him to leave me. I really don’t know what to do. He is the most amazing man in so many ways and I don’t want to lose him and our relationship. I have told him once in one of our breakups that I thought he might have BPD and now he just throws it in my face in every fight saying I think all my boyfriends/ex-boyfriends have a mental disorder rather than taking ownership for my problems. Also, one of our big fights did end up in violence with him grabbing my fingers and breaking them when I was trying to get the keys out of his cars so I could get out. I had to have surgery and pins in 2 of them and was out for a few months... but of course, that was my fault too. Does this sound like BPD? I just wish I could figure out what is going on.

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[pearlsw]

Hi reebod,

I am sorry you are having such trouble in your relationship! That is so difficult when you want things to improve so badly, but can’t quite get there.

When he talks about playing games and manipulation what do you think this means for him?

Have you had a chance to read up on the lessons to the right of the board yet?  They can help a lot with making sense of things that can be really, really confusing!

Can you discuss more about what led to your fingers getting broken? Did you get any counseling around this issue? Do you feel safe in this relationship given this history? How long ago was this may I ask?

wishing you peace, pearl.