My partner might have BPD, I'm looking for support/validation/am confused.

[lostNcontent]

Everything is so confusing in my relationship, and has been confusing since close to the beginning. My partner of 3 years (non-binary as of this year, female beforehand, so I will use "they") probably has BPD - and has even acknowledged this possibility themself - but I want a sounding board. I'm seeing a therapist who suggested to me that my partner might have BPD based on my descriptions of how they sometimes treat me... .but of course, my partner has a different interpretation of those events and thinks I have a backwards reading of most things.

I will put their perspective as honestly as possible here, with acknowledgment that most of what I write about their perspective they would probably consider inaccurate... .so take what I say with a grain of salt (maybe I really have a strong bias filter) or use that statement as more evidence of their BPD... .I go back and forth myself between those two. I am well aware that crafting a post like this is ONLY one side of things, and I am probably unconsciously trying to make you side with me, but I don't want to do that so I will try to stick close to facts, and please challenge me about anything.

Their perspective: I twist everything to make it sound like they are blaming me. They don't want me to be responsible for their feelings, and they don't blame me for everything, but I DO have accountability for things I have done in the past that has seriously negatively affected them and the way they act now. I am inconsistent because sometimes I realize those things I have done, and I apologize and promise to do better, while other times I deny I ever did anything wrong. Now, my apologies mean nothing because they can't believe me, and they can't believe me because nothing ever changes in my behavior. I used to be able to help them and save them from negative states of mind, but now I always either fail or make things worse, because I've changed. I get angry, defensive, or upset whenever they are in any negative state of mind, and this hurts them way more. I promised them many things at the beginning of the relationship and I have failed to deliver on those things; this has seriously contributed to them being in a worse place emotionally than they have ever been before. They are more dead inside than they ever were, in large part due to our relationship and my inability to help like I used to, and this sometimes brings them to self-harm or desire for suicide more than before (this is not them blaming me for their suicidal ideation exactly, but supposedly is a statement of cause and effect with no blame). Sometimes they say they are less at risk for suicide now because they care even less about everything, and that that's actually worse. They wish they could still be patient and kind with me, but I've exhausted that now and they are no longer capable.

My perspective: I do feel that they blame me for their own actions, behaviors, and emotions. When I try to help or ask what I can do, they either say they can tell that I don't really care, or that it's disgusting and selfish that I am still asking because I should KNOW what to do, either because they've told me countless times or because I used to help and never do anymore. Any attempt to help is seen as a failure, and something is always found in the way I approach helping them that is selfish and lazy. They don't think I ever care about them or suspend how I feel in order to help them, but I feel like I do this all the time and get beaten back with aggressive insults as a result. They tell me to get the f*ck away from them, and if I do, then I "just left them in a crisis and that was extremely irresponsible and stupid." If I don't, I often get screamed at more. Any way that I try to seek guidance from them on how to help them is seen as irresponsible and oblivious on my part. They tell me they "just want simple things that anyone could provide for a partner, that I do for you all the time" but then why am I still so confused about what any of those things are? When I try to gently bring even small things up that upset me, very often they will get extremely hurt and upset and say that I am treating them horribly. When they - sometimes in an argument, sometimes unprompted - list all the ways that I have failed them, breaking down emotionally and telling my how I have changed etc, then if I get at all hurt I am playing the victim and not seeing how bad they feel. If I say, "I'm really not trying to hurt you, I want to help," the response is always "I don't give a f*ck what your intentions are, it's not WORKING"

What's most frustrating is that I would think that if someone gets really emotional and says hurtful things, then when not emotional they would take some responsibility. I always try to when I know I have gotten angry and said mean things. My partner will often apologize for making me feel bad, but they never take the blame or admit they were wrong in saying the hurtful and insulting things they say. Instead, they just "see things way differently than me" which is "not surprising" because of "how little I understand them." They never want to spell out specifics, though, because apparently these are things I should already understand or can make an effort to understand myself if I actually cared... .

Some brief examples of exchanged that I recorded after a therapy session, T is them and M is me. Needless to say they claim to remember these exchanges very differently:

(The context here: they lost an animal at work who they cared about. They totally blamed themself when it wasn't their fault, I gently tried to reassure them over text that it wasn't, they got upset at me for arguing with them. Fast forward to dinner that night, I am simply trying to be comforting, am holding them, etc.)

T: [Out of nowhere, in reference to earlier] You’re such a f*cking dumbass sometimes dude.
M: Please don’t talk to me like that
T: F*ck you, is that really the first thing out of your mouth, with how bad I feel? Just to make it about you and how I’m talking to you?
M: I care about how you feel, I just don’t think it was Ok for you to talk to me like that.
T: You’re always making it about yourself, f*ck you, get the f*ck away from me.
M: Ok, I’ll leave then.
T: Good, don’t ever come back. I’m going to leave too. [suicide threat]

At the end of an argument from a couple days earlier:

M: I wish I could, I wish I could say something to help, but everything I say seems to just make it worse.
T: Are you f*cking kidding me? I know you heard me say shush.
M: Wait, what? I didn’t hear you say-
T: Don’t even try to tell me you didn’t hear me, you hesitated in the middle of what you were saying. Wow. I can’t f*cking believe this. This is hilarious. F*ck. Don’t talk to me for the rest of the night. [they walk out]

Later that night, they tried to reach out to me in bed to cuddle. I said, "not right now, sorry" because I was still stunned and upset by the explosion earlier. The next morning they respond to a text really curtly, and I say:

M: What's up? Is there a problem?
T: Apparently. You left this morning with a problem. You spend last night with problem. I just assume there is always a problem honestly, I shouldn't expect the brief periods of u seeming chill and not upset with me to be real.

It was like the way last night had been left wasn't even acknowledged, like their role in upsetting me didn't matter. I was just... .being distant because I'm distant?

They call me abusive after I tell them that my therapist thinks they sometimes verbally abuse me. I respond:

M: I know I have treated you badly, and had a temper in some arguments, and not handled myself in the best way a lot of times, but I really want to know, what specific kind of behaviors have I done to you that are abusive?
T: I want to just see you as a naiive, ignorant child who just hurts people without realizing it, but it scares me when you act like you have no memory of certain things.

(There are some terrible things I've done; a couple times I've freaked out and driven the car really fast when we are fighting. I've also punched a whole through a wall. I make no excuses for these and are totally things I should not have done.)

A smaller one that my therapist zeroed in on for some reason:

M: Hey, have you called and made a therapy appointment yet?
Y: No, you said you would sit down and encourage me to, but you haven’t yet. Though I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to actually follow through.

Another:

M: Please let me call someone you trust and do feel safe around while I’m gone, since you want me to go away.
T: Why?
M: So that someone can be with you while you’re feeling this bad, so you can have support. I know you don’t feel safe around me. It seems like a good idea.
T: No, it’s a disgusting thing for you to do.
M: Why, I just want you to be with someone you can feel safe around, so you’re not just alone.
T: I don’t have anyone like that.
M: Sure you do, I could call Z, or J, or R
T: No, you’ve taken that away from me
M: I don’t understand what you mean
T: Of course you don’t. Just leave me the f*ck alone.

The next day they told me the way I behaved was extremely stupid and terrible for someone with mental health issues. They told me if I ever dated someone with depression they would message them to warn them. I (kindly) tried to ask what I could have done differently, they said me asking was f*cked up and manipulative.

Another:

M: I just don’t think that this situation is safe for either of us.
T: For either of us? How is it unsafe for you? Are you worried you might cut? Do you wanna hang yourself? Slit your wrists? I really want to know.

Alright, I'll stop. I didn't think I would post all these examples. PLEASE understand that I am probably wrong about how so many of these things went down, but I just wanted to get all information out there. I need support and understanding of what's going on. I don't want to keep hurting them, but I am starting to believe I have much less control over it than the total control they think I have. I just don't know what best to do at this point. We are starting couples counseling next week but I don't really know how to handle that.

Thank you to anyone who can give me some advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi lostNcontent,

I get it! It is not always easy to share such intimate things about our partners, even in an anonymous setting. It is also just natural that we tend to narrate things from our perspective, so it is great that you want to make an effort to be fair and see this from other angles. This skill could help you a lot as you sort this all out!

If your therapist thinks they may have BPD or BPD traits that says a lot. Be aware that many people here have undiagnosed partners, like you, but just having this notion to go one can help cut down on a lot of confusion and at least give one a chance to make sense of some really confusing behavior.

Can you describe “what you failed to deliver on” and why? Did you pull back for some reason? Did you have trouble being honest with your partner?

Unless you goaded your partner into suicidal behavior, which I don’t believe, but just wanted to assert that one caveat, be clear that you are not responsible for your partner’s suicidal behavior. Even if your partner says this, that you are somehow responsible, that does not make it true.

Have you had a chance to read up on the lessons to the right of the board yet? Reading, posting, and engaging the community can help you make more sense of these tough issues!

There is a lot to talk about, hopefully others will join us. It would be good to explore together the range of issues you raise!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[lostNcontent]

Thank you for replying. What I failed to deliver on is a complicated topic, and one I realized I omitted but my post was already pretty massive.

Early on in our relationship, it felt like we had a deep spiritual connection and we went through a very-much-in-love phase. I said on several occasions early on that I wanted to marry them. To me, this was not an empty promise, but it wasn't a binding or time-based promise either, it was an expression of passionate emotion and hope. They reference this often as something I have failed to deliver on, that I must have been lying about, or that I must have just not meant. Marriage was never totally off the table for me, it just was not something I wanted to rush into (we were 22 and 21 at the beginning of the relationship). I admit it was irresponsible for me to say what I said. However, the reason they feel I lied is not because I suddenly went back on ever possibly wanting to marry them (I never did), but that they expected we would be married by now or actively planning for it.

Our relationship started in a weird way that could contribute to this feeling on their part. When we fell in love, they had a partner already overseas. With that partner, they expected to move overseas and start a family by the end of the next year. My partner also comes from a more religious/traditional background, where getting married early is not uncommon. For six months of our relationship, they were with both of us, and refused to make a choice, saying they wanted both of us (the other partner did not know about me). In choosing me, they thought they were choosing another solid life, not someone inconsistent. They felt that after they chose me and I was no longer "chasing" them, that I stopped caring or being sure of committing to them.

Now, from my perspective, I was always doubtful about some things and tried to make my feelings clear. I did say I wanted to marry them about three times in passionate moments, and we talked about building a nest together and having a life together. But I also said I wasn't sure about a monogamous relationship (I had thought of myself as poly), wasn't sure how I felt about becoming more religious (which they wanted me to do), and didn't know much with certainty besides that I felt a strong connection toward them that I didn't want to lose. I did try to be clear about these things, yet somehow they got lost. We do have a monogamous relationship despite conflicting feelings for me, and they feel like I am not open enough about learning their religion. I share rituals and try to learn a lot, but any time I am uncomfortable with things religiously they get despondent and say they don't have a home, don't feel supported, etc. They have told me on multiple occasions that they can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't share their practices; when I say I want to try but have a lot of difficulties, they say I haven't tried enough, that they are disappointed nothing has changed, and that I lied at the beginning of the relationship when they said I would be open.

The final big thing is that I apparently used to be able to help them feel better when they were extremely depressed, by spiritual connecting to them on an intimate level and providing unconditional love and support. But apparently, because I cannot completely commit to them, and cannot say I want a family with them, and have failed to change and grow in the ways they want me to have, they can no longer be helped by me and feel that something has changed in me, preventing me from providing what they need. I am unclear about the specifics other than this, like how exactly my methods of helping are different. I am more closed-off and defensive sometimes, because I am presupposing a violent retaliation when I try to help, but most of the time I try to help anyway and am just told off.

They feel like I am inconsistent because sometimes when they talk about all of this, my reaction is to apologize and just try to give support, or promise to be more open. I don't know how I can be, and it's difficult to try or even think about, but I do want to help and give them support. I try not to agree with things that I deeply disagree with, for example, I will apologize for causing them pain over our relationship and for responding in terrible ways in the past, but I will be careful not to take blame for the state of our relationship as a whole. Still, they will use these times as evidence whenever I say that I see things differently in the past, or that I don't know what I did that was so horrible that made them not trust me, or makes me unable to help them now. They will say that sometimes I see the truth, but that I keep going back and forth and never consistently see reality.

Of course, it's never important to talk about how emotionally difficult it was to be with someone who had another partner for six months, and who never said they would choose you until they and their partner mutually broke up. Or that you went on a month-long roadtrip during that time with them because they threatened suicide and you wanted to be there to make sure they didn't (naturally we see the reason for that road-trip VERY differently). If I bring any of this up, I'm just backwards, or "it matters how you feel but it's just not relevant right now," or "I can't believe you actually see it that way, but it makes sense that you do given how you treat me."

Problems I have that I realize have contributed: I've always been an indecisive person who lets my emotions say things that I am unsure abt, i.e the marrying thing. I've always been uncertain about the relationship, particularly it being monogamous, and have lots of issues with attraction and wanting to be with other people. I've never been unfaithful though and have always talked through these things with my partner, who often is sympathetic, but other times is sure I don't love them and never have.

Also, in response to honesty: I did try to talk about my doubts and how I was feeling, but I very often framed them as doubts and worries I was trying to get over. I don't know if this is dishonest, but they have brought it up in ways like: "You said they were doubts, not how you actually felt" or something like that.

[pearlsw]

Hi lostNcontent,

Thank you very much for sharing more details. There is so much here, I don't mean to skip over things, but I want to touch on a key issue here.

How does your partner feel about you being poly? Will this work with their beliefs and feelings? Have you discussed this? I think this is something to be clear about, if you are having such feelings and thoughts, before this relationship goes much further or you two are just setting yourself up for more hurt later. In all likelihood your feelings of wanting this will grow I am guessing, not shrink. Could your partner find a way to still be with you if you were poly? Or would they be hurt and upset? Have you thought through how you would manage a primary and secondary partner if you build this construct? Could your partner handle this?

Also, it is understandable you said you wanted to marry if you felt it and meant it. It is also okay if that changes, you just have to communicate what has changed so you both have a chance to talk it through. The important part is to be clear as to what has caused the second thoughts and see if there is a way through that. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. A lot of relationships face such crossroads.

Have you ever sat down together and talked through a list of basic compatibility questions?

take care, pearl.