Needing some perspective/validation

[Harvest_Moon]

Hello,

I learned about these boards a while ago and it was sadly very helpful to know I am not the only one struggling with some of the very same issues related to having an uBPD parent. That validation alone was enough at the time. I didn’t get very involved because, well, I really didn’t want to take in others’ struggles in addition to my own. But today I have been triggered and I know we can’t always get through things in a vacuum.
I last saw my mother 3 years ago when my son and I visited her at her home out of state. It was the usual nightmare with a twist- she got drunk at a restaurant (atypical) and insisted she was driving us back to her house. When we refused, she would not give up her keys- and she sped off, squealing her tires. She left my adult, disabled son and I standing on a dark street in a strange place, with no way to get back. My adult son started crying immediately, as I tried to remain calm and helpful to him and tried to figure out what to do. (Then I cried.)
I decided I would have minimal contact after that ( my son wants none) and I tried. She contacted me about some end of life issues out of the blue (she is now 81 & in good health), and this board and my therapist helped me navigate those communications. I essentially ignore all the digging , berating comments and address only the specific need/issue.
Yesterday was my son’s birthday- her only grandchild. Nothing. That’s fine though. This morning I got an email with no greeting to me as usual, that said, “Please tell my grandson I wish him a happy birthday and love him very much in spite of what he is being told.
I don’t have the energy to go into every loaded syllable of her statement.
I love my son an would never intentionally hurt him. I am especially sensitive to his emotional well-being due to anxiety related to his disability. Needless to say, we don’t sit around talking about her. We talked about how awful our last trip was and that we will never go again after it initially happened and maybe once since.
Anyway, it’s so wild to recognize how quickly triggered I am by her meanness and obliviousness. I immediately wanted to slay her with words back in an email, but thanks to here, I am just sitting with it instead of perpetuating the vicious circle.  It’s not easy, so I bring it here to vent . Thank you. It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother. That would be so much easier if she was seeing unicorns rather than abusing me and my son.
Thanks for reading.

[Panda39]

Hi Harvest_Moon,

I'm so glad you decided to come here to vent instead of engaging your mom 

I know it sucks when you are given the gift of lousy triggering behaviors.  It's just a reminder of how dysfunctional she is.  Just ignore it, she's looking to engage and not in a healthy way.

Focus on your son and enjoy his birthday!  You are lucky to have each other, it sounds like the two of you have a lovely relationship and are close.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Oh Harvest Moon,

I am so thankful that you came here to share your story with us today, and that you are reaching out to us for some comfort and validation. Definitely right up our alley.   We truly get it.

It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother.

It's sad, that a pw BPD anticipates rejection and projects it out onto those who are trying their best to love them and get along with them. I am very glad that you are thinking of your son and protecting him. That comes first and foremost, caring for our little ones. Even if he is an adult, you are the one who knows him better than anyone and who knows when something is inappropriate for him to hear. You have a chance to head off the wounding. If he says anything about wishing Grandma had sent him a birthday note, then you can certainly tell him the good portion of her wish, and leave the rest out.

Wools

[Harvest_Moon]

Thank you so much for your responses. One thing in my favor is now that my son is a target (to a lesser degree), I will not be persuaded into engaging on such a dysfunctional level anymore (took long enough). There were 2 other times my son witnessed- both times as a child- my mother’s intense anger and ravings. Once, my whole family ran out of her house in our socks to escape her abuse. It was 3 days before our flight home. We spent the rest of the time at a hotel, trying to make a vacation out of it, trying to comfort the kids & ourselves. I feel terrible about putting him in the potential position again. I regretfully always thought that this would be the time she would be okay. Kind of like petting a dog that you know bites, hoping this will be the time it won’t. Ugh.

[Harvest_Moon]

 “It’s sad, that a pw BPD anticipates rejection and projects it out onto those who are trying their best to love them and get along with them.”

It is so great to be understood. Thank you.

[zachira]

Just wanted to let you know that we hear you when you describe how uncomfortable it is to be triggered by your BPD mother after so many years of little or no contact. I think that those of us who grew up with a BPD mother will always feel hurt and sometimes angry when we somehow come into contact with our BPD mother's emotionally unsettling actions either directly or indirectly. After all, a mother is supposed to love her child unconditionally, and those who get this love, use the love as a foundation for building loving relationships and happy lives. I just cannot see how the hurt of continually being mistreated by a mother with BPD will ever disappear completely, as this is part of the foundation of who we are. Some relationships, mainly romantic ones and friendships, can be put behind us, and we can walk away without ever really getting emotionally triggered by all the hurts from the past relationships, and these kinds of relationships are recognized as not being permanent. Your mother is your mother no matter whether she is dead or alive. It especially hurts to see her mistreat your son who you love with all your heart. Take some quiet time to feel whatever comes up when your mother triggers you and reach out for validation. Understood that you do not always want to be posting here, as you want to keep the effects of your relationship with your mother in the background as much as possible, and keep living the courageous life you have created for yourself. Understood that others who don't get it will criticize you for not having compassion for your mentally ill mom. I get that kind of criticism too, and I try to do acts of kindness for other elderly people who truly deserve it and appreciate me. Take care, and post when you need to. We are always here to listen and support you, as many of us are/have been in similar situations with our BPD mothers.

[Harvest_Moon]

Thank you.

[Learning2Thrive]

It’s hard when my friends think I should have compassion for my “mentally ill” mother. That would be so much easier if she was seeing unicorns rather than abusing me and my son.

Yes, this is very true. Being misunderstood by our friends—invalidated really—is so painful. Most people don’t understand what we grew up with and don’t have any frame of reference for what went on/goes on behind closed doors.

I had to chuckle a moment about the unicorns. Yes, I wish that was my mother’s problem too... .so much easier for others to grasp the illness and show compassion when it's the notorious unicorns.

Take good care of you today. You are worthy. 

  L2T