step parenting kids with a borderline parent

[Siracha]

I would like some resources about when and if teens should be told about BPD when they personally witness a suffering parent and the behavior they are witnessing is volatile.   What is the likelihood one of them will personally stuggle with mental health issues due to the trauma they witness?  Would like help and resources for step parenting in the best possible way for the children in this situation.  Most resources on step parenting do not talk about toxic environments with one parent struggling with mental health issues.

[Turkish]

Hi Sriracha,



We have a lot of senior members here who can help support you as well as a lot of resources to help you and the kids.  What specifically are the kinds of things which you are all struggling with? What trauma do they witness?
T

[ForeverDad]

As a general rule children of whatever age should be informed in age-appropriate ways and levels.  Using mental health diagnostic terms could add to the confusion.  Besides, BPD (and the other typically acting-out PDs) have a wide range of behaviors, from relatively mild to extreme.

Do a search for "An Umbrella for Alex". It was written several years ago by PDAN.  It doesn't use the word Borderline or BPD but does identify for the minors that some people do have patterns of poor and inconsistent behaviors.  So they can be assured that some of what they see is recognized as abnormal behavior.

A key skill needed is appropriate validation.  Our task as the reasonably normal adult in the children's lives is to guide their observations to proper conclusions, not minimize, not deny.  That's where the validation really counts.  For example, if the child says, "{parent} just claimed/demanded _____.  Why?  I don't know what to think."  We might be inclined to smooth things over, such as by saying, "{parent} still loves you."  That's invalidation if the disordered parent just screamed, raged, ranted, demanded, guilted, etc.  So don't mix 'love' with poor or inconsistent behaviors.  Of course, there's more to it than that.

[livednlearned]

We get it here! Step parenting is hard enough. Add BPD behaviors and it can make for difficult family dynamics, to say the least.

How old are the kids and what is the custody arrangement?

How long have you been in their lives and what is their relationship like with you?

The chances they will struggle with depression/anxiety is much higher when there is a BPD parent. Are there signs that concern you?

[Siracha]

The kids are 13 and 14.  They are with us half of the time and are experiencing a lot of emotional outbursts and very traumatic relationships in their other home and have been manipulated into having a loyalty to that parent.  Father takes high road and says nothing while Mothee gets to create a reality for them that is distorted . Hard to watch because they are starting to believe their father is bad when he is actually the only one parenting.   When do they get to know the truth or some form of it ? Thank you all for just sending a reply and encouraging a place to vent .  Books don’t seem to emphasize what to do in a toxic non -co parent situation. 
Any advice appreciate on how to live in it better and support my husband while providing a loving space for the kids . 

[ForeverDad]

Saying nothing is not a strategy, well, a poor one anyway.  Maybe dad can read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak?  Also Bill Eddy (social worker, mediator, lawyer, lecturer, author, etc) has a variety of books in addition to our highly recommended Splitting divorce handbook and some should be helpful.
www.HighConflictInstitute.com  (browse the STORE menu, also available from Amazon)

[livednlearned]

Divorce Poison is really helpful because it offers specific tips on how to communicate depending on the situation. If you don't understand the underlying communication patterns and what game is being played, there is no way to avoid participating.

It's also important to recognize that alienation is abuse. You may want to read Dr. Craig Childress's article on jujitsu parenting -- he describes the dynamics of pathological BPD parenting, how it essentially strips away a typical kind of parenting approach that many of us try to use with our kids, with no success. Childress offers examples of how to respond in ways that subtly disengage the alienation gears.

Being in a coparent role can be powerful because you have a degree of objectivity that no one else in the dynamic has. You will be able to see things much more clearly and calmly problem solve.

Also, in our situations, taking the high road is often a euphemism for passivity   

The key to our families is to become skilled at raising emotionally resilient kids. That takes specific relationship and communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.