Better self care

[Lollypop]

In the past, especially in the chaotic years I got physically sick. The stress and tension I felt, that never went away, took its toll on both my physical and mental health. I’m still learning self-care and to be honest it’s quite a challenge.

I watched a TED talk this morning called The Happy Secret to Better Work and it says that we can become happier very simply. We can train ourselves!


Date: 2011Minutes: 12:14
The happy secret to better work ~ Shawn Achor

I did the The Oxford Happiness Questionnaire


The Oxford Happiness Project
School of Psychology
Oxford Brookes University, Headington Campus
Gipsy Lane, Oxford OX3 0BP, UK.

I’ve got some work to do!

Taken not too seriously, with a lightness of touch I think there’s something I can learn.

1. Develop a gratitude practice - list 3 things you’re grateful for from past 24 hours 2. Focus on the good - explain in detail a positive experience in past 24 hours 3. Pay it forward - list 3 kindnesses you’ve shown in past 24 hours 4. Remember the good - recall a happy memory 5. Get your blood pumping - 20 min exercise 6. Calm the mind - meditate by focussing on the present 5 mins 7. Hygge - self care and this includes doing an essential task like paying a bill

Apparently, if we do the above every day for a length of time (like 2-3 weeks)  - we become happier. I’m going to write in a journal. I’m going to try it.  I’ve got my score today. I’ll re-test in 3 weeks.

Having a BPD child can cause us to wrap our entire lives around them and the BPD. This isn’t healthy.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Slow learner that I am, it took me a while to figure out how to navigate through this website.  I think of the other Newbies who come on board and read a post like yours... .you someone who has been here for a while.   Do they realize that, once they are registered, they can click on any other member's moniker and look back at the history of that person... .see where that person is coming from?

So now with this recent post of yours... .it is nothing like the one you first wrote.  You are not the same distraught parent you were then.  I think that is so important for Newbies to realize that there can be growth... .there can be change.

This topic of yours is "Better Self Care"... .truly one of the secrets towards better tomorrows.  As you write... ."it's quite a challenge"... .but oh so rewarding when the baby-steps we take start to produce smiles in our days.  

The cycle we get into with these "special" children of ours continues and continues until someone instigates change.   They are either incapable of making a change or they are comfortable with the way the wheel is rolling along.  The change has to come from us.

You have mentioned that your son has noticed the change in you... .now really, he has no choice but to re-adjust.  My gosh!  You share that you are a slimmed-down-you... .you are furthering your education.  Kudos to you, Lollypop!  

None of this is to say that you have written off your son.  Dealing with him and his BPD behaviours is going to be a work-in-progress.  He is getting his fair share of you... .but now YOU are getting your fair share of you, too.

Onward and upward,

Huat    ; )

[Feeling Better]

I’m still learning self-care and to be honest it’s quite a challenge

Yep! It sure is, I think it’s one of the hardest things to do and it’s something that I also struggle with. I always have good intentions but maintaining them is another thing!

I did the happiness test too, don’t know why I bothered really, probably so I could prove to myself how miserable I’ve become. I am trying to overcome though and I know that I still have a long way to go. I will get there though!

Thank you for letting us all in on your happiness quest, I like your spirit and can’t wait to hear how you feel in 3 weeks (actually less now) and along the way too.

I came across an old thread a while back and I’ve managed to find it, it’s to do with positive affirmations. If you’ve not already seen it, I thought you might like it, it contains a link to another site that talks about affirmations  

Positive affirmations
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=156703

[Daisy123]

Thank you both for sharing.

  Haut- I hadn’t realized this tool till you shared. I went back and did some reading- so much to learn from so many people. And I quite agree with you, our loved ones seem to get stuck and it’s up to us to readjust. My DD seems quite comfortable with her life at the moment. She’s done lots of work- addressing her addictions and then addressing her suicidality, binge eating and self injury. There’s not much I can do but do as Lolipop has inspired me to do... .

  Lolipop- I took the happiness test and it seems I’ve got lots of work to do to! You have modeled for me that self care and our happiness is up to us. We may not have the kind of kid who goes off to college, finds and hold down a good job and then maintains a healthy relationship with a significant other. That’s a dream for so many parents. My dream needs readjustments. And most importantly - what I’ve learned from reading your post, Loli, is that it is our job to work on our own happiness. There’s a saying, “ a mother’s happiness is measured by her saddest child.”

If I were to continue basing my happiness on my daighter’s, I’d just assume shrivel up and remain hiding, under the bed covers.

Self care is about not just surviving, but thriving in life’s challenging moments. And for us, folks, who have loved ones suffering with BPD, happiness can be quite the challenge. I’m up for that challenge.

[Lollypop]

I was a bit curious about doing the happiness test and it did seem a little silly at first. But just reading the questions and reflecting on my answers totally brought me into my present. Just how am I? Really?

I think that I can’t really answer that truthfully most of the time. I believe the reason is simply because I’m not that good at understanding and listening to ME.

I had this idea of being all of these roles in my life. I spent all my time looking out for and looking after others.  I actually find it really hard to know what makes me happy, how to take better care of my physical and mental well being and seeing it through.

I used to feel I was less important, or perhaps that I thought I was stronger, somehow and spent all my time trying to fix my BPD.  

I’m glad you are thinking of yourselves more. You deserve happiness, we all do and it takes nurturing.

LP

[Rockieplace]

Hi there dear friend,

So glad you are hanging in there and trying new ways to deal with 'your lot'.  I took up the gratitude habit around 6 years ago when life was incredibly challenging in so many ways not including my BPDD (36) who was reeking havoc with all around her but had not, at that point been diagnosed.  I found it so helpful and still say 'thank you, thank you, thank you' every night before I go to sleep (it actually helps me to sleep I think!)  I'm looking forward to hearing how you get on.

Despite very concerning lack of progress with my daughter (which I don't want to depress anyone with) I have become very good at separating her issues from my life while still showing her I care.  I consider that to be one of the major accomplishments of my life.  p.s. the happy pills help me too  

[Only Human]

I have become very good at separating her issues from my life while still showing her I care.

This is my goal.

Do they realize that, once they are registered, they can click on any other member's moniker and look back at the history of that person... .see where that person is coming from?

So now with this recent post of yours... .it is nothing like the one you first wrote.  You are not the same distraught parent you were then.  I think that is so important for Newbies to realize that there can be growth... .there can be change.

Yes, I do this when I read some of the new posts and the person is someone who inspires me and helps me understand that I can get better despite the chaos around me.

I took the happiness test and scored 3.07 - neutral. The suggestions for me are:

1.   Do things for others
2.   Connect w/people
3.   Take care of your body
4.   Notice the world around you
5.   Keep learning
6.   Have goals to look forward to
7.   Find ways to bounce back
8.   Take a positive approach
9.   Be comfortable with who you are
10. Be a part of something bigger

I'm doing some of the suggestions already so I'm on the right track. I think I'll use this thread as a way to track my progress. Thanks for posting the happiness test.

[Lollypop]

  Rockieplace you warm my heart by replying. Just so lovely you posted and I firmly believe that you are THE one who demonstrates to us the most that it is possible to find a more satisfied life despite the very real raw problems.  That’s the thing isn’t it?  Getting control over ourselves with baby steps, trying to grasp the positives in our lives.  It’s like we’ve got so much weight in negativity that we need extra positivity to balance it out.  I really admire that you do your grateful task each night.  

  Only human, I’m glad you’re here  

So today I took the test again. I’m taking part in a stoic week.  It turns out I’m “slightly satisfied” with my life.  I got the highest score in this range so I’m top end satisfied.  I’ll take it!  I can’t ever see me as “satisfied” because I’ve got a problem adult child.  It makes entire sense.

[Lollypop]

Bumping this up 

Trying to be more conscious about myself and how I’m feeling has really helped me. I can’t say I’ve done this religiously but I have put more effort in over the last few weeks to reflect on my days and the people I interact with.

When I wake up I try and think of the sun rising up on my day. Such a simple thing to do that I’ve found has had a real impact on me. It sets me up for the day and is a gentle reminder that there’s a wider world that goes on around me that I sometimes forget about in my stresses and anxieties.

I’ve tried to think about the challenges of the day ahead and reflect on how I might deal with them. I also consciously decided to be more warm to others in my day.

I did the happiness test and I’m “rather happy”.  So that’s a real improvement.

I found the stoic week a challenge and didn’t last. However, I learnt a lot and did a few meditations and tasks.  I did the end of week questionnaire and my score has improved to “satisfied” with my life.

I’ve no idea what my way is forward as it does take time to practise a more grateful, kind and positive attitude. Time is an issue for me as my days seem so full at the moment. See what I did there?  Excuses galore!

My way forward is to find a way to keep this approach in my life.

Son28 called this week in a complete panic. He couldn’t light the cooker. He’s house sitting and it was his first day. Talked him down as the real problem was his deteriorating relationship with a dear friend who has sided with his ex. Apparently, he’s being bad mouthed as treating her badly. He sought this information out and out himself in the drama triangle.  I spoke to him calmly and wisely, he calmed and could see the importance of “indifference” in the way it means he’s doing ok and there’s no need to let others affect his emotions.  

The idea of wisdom is new to me. I’ve learnt in the few days in doing this stoic approach is that when we are faced with a challenge we say to ourselves “what would a wise person do?” I think it helps the problem solving brain to spark up, clear the fog so to speak.

The next time my son gets in s panic I may ask him the question but gently.

Hope you’re all doing ok in this happier thingy we’ve got going on.

LP

[Daisy123]

Hi Lolipop,
You have a wonderful relationship with your son!

I thought of you this weekend when I decided to own pajama day. I didn’t go do errands or to yoga. I ordered in dinner, rested all day. It’s been rough at home because DD20 and her BF have been arguing for the past several days and I’m on pins and needles because those fights have been the antecedent to self injury, violent out bursts, police and hospital visits. So I tried the all day in pajamas. Got a few extra hours of sleep.

[wendydarling]

It's good to hear trying to be more conscious about yourself and how you are feeling has really helped you LP.

I’ve no idea what my way is forward as it does take time to practise a more grateful, kind and positive attitude. Time is an issue for me as my days seem so full at the moment. See what I did there?  Excuses galore!

You made me smile. I'm thinking of the time you found to learn the tools here. What are you doing with that time now?

Wow the oven, you are brilliant at looking past the issue your son presents and getting to the real issue he's spinning with. I think the wisdom question is a great idea.

I'm letting go of recent crisis, I'm grateful. I'm also pleased with how I managed through it. That's my happiness for today.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Awh daisy, I’ve got an image of snug as a bug in a rug. Well done to you! A PJ day sounds perfect. I’m glad you rested up after feeling so frazzled. You’ve had it tough I know.

WD, glad you joined us.  Yes, sometimes the happiness is just being able to say “I got through”. Lick your wounds WD, you’re stronger and wiser. All that hard work paid off. Your daughter is safe, you held it together.

I guess this is what the forum is about.

To make us more resilient and able to have the wisdom to know what the right thing to do is.

Sometimes that’s crawling into a safe place and just breathing because that’s what we need for ourselves.

[Lollypop]

 

Here’s a statement that really made me think.

Life is made up of WORK, REST and PLAY.  It should be a balance between the three.

Apparently, can you hear the irony in my voice?, 33.3% each. 

That would mean a third of my life spent in PLAY mode.

Really?  Am I allowed to do that?  Can I do that?

It’s a target worth aiming for I reckon.

LP

[Huat]

Yep, all those smart people out there who come up with catchy phrases that make us stop and think... .sometimes thinking... ."Gee, wish I had said that!"

Here is one that I just read... .

"Happiness requires an ability to tolerate uncertainty."

Huat  ; )

[Gorges]

Thank you! I will try these!

[Only Human]

Hi Family,

I'm really glad this got bumped up! I have been slacking on my self-care for a little while and reading this thread reminds me how important it is to take care of us.

Like Lollypop said at the beginning of the thread,

Having a BPD child can cause us to wrap our entire lives around them and the BPD. This isn’t healthy.

I'm here to get healthy. Today I will practice self-care like my life depends on it, because it does!

~ OH

[Only Human]

I've been staying up way too late for days and I'm tired at work. Today I told myself, "I will be in bed by 8:30."

Since it's after 8:30, and since I still have some tv to watch (F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on Netflix!), I'm revising my goal to 9:30, still a reasonable time to get to sleep.

Tonight's act of self-care is to be OK with revising my goal. It was rather unrealistic anyway 

~ OH

[Music Ace]

OH - And taking pleasure in watching friends which was a conscious decision to revise your bedtime ... .rather than binge watching guiltily and then being tired and feeling guilty and frustrated with yourself.

Good on you!

I play a silly game on my phone that consumes 1-2+ hours every day AND it means my phone is not only IN my hand except when I'm asleep, but I'm looking at it too. I've decided, again, that it is taking up too much of my time and I have other more interesting things that also give me pleasure (but that I'm not almost 'addicted' too). So today I am not going to play and although my streak will be broken ... .it will not take me over an hour to get home from work (it's a 5 minute drive ). And that means that I can get some work and/or quilting and/or NOTHING done  ... .but I will have at least 1 extra hour today. But I will also have to spend a lot of time forcing those auto'game' thoughts away. I will have a different kind of fun today!

I am excited about giving myself back my time. (Gee - I wonder where my kid gets her addictive personality? - don't worry,  I really did know. My family all has addiction problems ... .mine would not be substance or gambling or alcohol, but doesn't mean it couldn't be! ... .I'm really careful and appreciate my husband's reminders if I get overinvolved in anything ... .but I recognized this go round myself) so ... .

Good on ME 

Ace