need a script for this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm almost 50 and my mother is BPD.  I just had an amazing reunion weekend that ended up being more fun and busier than I anticipated.  And she is really angry with me.

I'm not sure the source of the anger - that I hosted the group, that I didn't come by, that she didn't know about it (not true), that I was happy and busy.  I had no commitments to her to her that I reneged on, she and my dad are healthy and independent and I don't live with them, I'm married with a pile of children.  My life is balanced and not crazy, I do not work outside the home. 

She hung up on me and I'm filled with shame that I did something wrong (I did not, this is the exhausting pattern of my life), that she's stewing, that she will get my dad involved ("apologize to your mother, she's upset and won't leave her room").

I need guidance and a script so that I don't get sucked into a shame spiral.  As my husband says, no one in my life gets angry with me ever.  Only she does.  I know logically I'm not to blame, but patterns etc.  She's not a bully (I'm a total spitfire), but she is insecure, anxious, obese (which I mention because in her case it speaks to her depression), jealous of me and impossible to talk to.

I want a calm way to respond when she accuses me of lying to her, when the gas lighting starts.  She's never been wrong in her life, nor culpable, because I'm dramatic and oh so sensitive.  Not true, I'm a badass.  Help because I don't feel badass, I feel like I'm 9 years old.

[beachbubbles]

I'm almost 50 and my mother is BPD.  I just had an amazing reunion weekend that ended up being more fun and busier than I anticipated.  And she is really angry with me.

I'm not sure the source of the anger - that I hosted the group, that I didn't come by, that she didn't know about it (not true), that I was happy and busy.  I had no commitments to her to her that I reneged on, she and my dad are healthy and independent and I don't live with them, I'm married with a pile of children.  My life is balanced and not crazy, I do not work outside the home. 

She hung up on me and I'm filled with shame that I did something wrong (I did not, this is the exhausting pattern of my life), that she's stewing, that she will get my dad involved ("apologize to your mother, she's upset and won't leave her room").

I need guidance and a script so that I don't get sucked into a shame spiral.  As my husband says, no one in my life gets angry with me ever.  Only she does.  I know logically I'm not to blame, but patterns etc.  She's not a bully (I'm a total spitfire), but she is insecure, anxious, obese (which I mention because in her case it speaks to her depression), jealous of me and impossible to talk to.

I want a calm way to respond when she accuses me of lying to her, when the gas lighting starts.  She's never been wrong in her life, nor culpable, because I'm dramatic and oh so sensitive.  Not true, I'm a badass.  Help because I don't feel badass, I feel like I'm 9 years old.

[Turkish]

A lot of us are familiar with The Waif, whose internal dialog is "life's too hard" and whose emotional message is "rescue me!" from situations or their feelings.  Sound familiar?

Did you ask her what she was mad (hurt) about?

[beachbubbles]

No,but I want to lead the contact and not wait until she blindsides me.  My popularity with friends has been an issue since I was in high school - I'm 50.  And waif, oh yes.

[Turkish]

Sounds like she's jealous of the attention you give to and get from others (which is your life and your person) though it might also be her own shame that you aren't like her. BPD parents often try to enmesh their children. 

Have you ever just asked her why she was mad at you or is it hard to get your own words in?

[beachbubbles]

I have no trouble with my words, in fact all kinds of words flow quite easily out, .  My use of words is quite pointed and I have a wicked tongue at times, when provoked. (it wasn't a bad question, but just funny because I don't mince, thats my issue with my mom). The general "problems" as far as I can understand, seem to be her always being disappointed in her needs not being met.  But she never sets the expectations or expresses what she wants, so she's always disappointed.  She doesn't see the problem as being her, she has high expectations (this is how I want this dinner/party to go) but since no one knows what those are, we inevitably, I inevitably, let her down.  And since I'm so blasé about it, acting like I don't even know why she's upset (bc I do not), that makes it worse.  This seems to be one of those situations, yet again.  I have no idea what the expectation was, but I failed.

My inclination has always been to start the conversation with "well ___, what did I do wrong now?" which gets me no where.

[Harri]

Hi beachbubbles and welcome to the board!  I am sorry for the situation that brings you here but glad you found us.  (love the name too).

Having a script is a good idea so lets work on it.  Your mom is acting like a waif (I liken it to being a victim) and is putting you in a no win position (not that we are really trying to won anything here).  You are right that there is very little to speak into in that sort of situation.  I used to work with a group of people like that and like you wanted to ask just what the problem was (in very different words though).  haha

How about "Mom, I would like to help.  I am having trouble because I don't understand what you want to happen" or something like that?  Can you think of any variations that may work for you?

How are you with boundaries and understanding where your mother ends and what belongs to her (including her feelings)?  Thinking of wha your mom does in terms of being all about her and her feelings and thoughts can help depersonalize what she says and that in turn help you to not *internalize* what she says.  It takes practice but over time you can get better at it to the point where what she says does not cut so deep and does not take us back to "feeling like a 9 year old".

From a fellow badass!   

[Star0009]

Having a Mom jealous of you is very hard in itself and I understand. Maybe it is common for those with BPD to envision things certain ways they see on magazines and tv. My Mom once got her dream wish of all of my siblings and me and friends to visit her beach house. When everyone was tired of swimming and wanted to go home and she spent the whole time we were at the beach packing everything imaginable in the car she was made we wouldn't sit there with her 4 more hours, go pick up dinner and watch the sunset so she had a tantrum and a meltdown and stayed there herself and didn't hang out with us the rest of the weekend. Same thing with gifts she will literally tell me what to get her I go out of my way and then she acts disappointed and says 'nice try but this is not quite my style.' I always put the least effort into gifts now to not hurt myself or waste money. I just make it look nice. She has this idea that everyones life is like a movie script. We even had two childhood dogs I eventually took from her but one time visiting her house I saw 2 pictures of them framed so I thought. I realized they were from magazines and weren't our dogs she didn't see the big deal that I was disturbed and then also humored by this. To her they weren't loving beings they were part of her image. yuck. Also its been awhile since I've read walking on eggshells but its a great book on BPD patterns and they go between waif and queen. You will prob. also let yr Mom down because thats how she knows she can get to you and as a loving person you want to please her but you have to step back and not throw yr energy into that black hole. Just like it took me years to stop the urge to buy my Mom the most perfect gift and pick up a vase on sale at the grocery store it gave me my duty of getting her something still but overtime I lost that guilt. The funny thing is since I now live far away she started to like the two dollar on sale that look fancy and makes a big stink that "her daughter" sent her something because nobody else does. The idea is you have to stop caring like you would for a normal person and kind of secretly love her beneath it for the good parts you get every now and then between the drama if that makes sense.

[beachbubbles]

Thanks everyone.  Shame is her game.  She's the grandma who greets my kids with "why don't you ever visit me?  Don't you love me?"  This is her major MO - shame.  It drives everyone away from her, which justifies her saying it over and over... .I know it's not about me, but the shame runs deep. 

Ive been pretty good with boundaries, I can tell by her pouting and tight pursed lips.  I want to be teflon and I'm way too combative and defensive, which proves her points over and over.  I think I'm a little surprised by how upset this made me - like I had such a successful reunion, friends traveled from all over the country, it was more fun than I thought it would be, and she bursts my bubble.  Like I don't deserve it, even though she's the only person I know who feels that way.  She's insanely jealous.  The bitterness is palpable.

[zachira]

Your mother sounds a lot like mine. I try to give myself quiet time nearly every day of around 30 minutes to an hour to process emotions before they become too strong. No emotion sticks around too long if we process it. It really doesn't sound like you can say much to your mother that will make much of a difference. Can you write a letter and say it to us instead? It seems your mother is looking to hurt you and knows your triggers. I would limit the time spent with her, and walk away as calmly as possible if she starts making unfounded and inappropriate accusations. Like me, you probably keep hoping that some day you will have a conversation in which she treats you right. I hope I have accepted that I will never get an appropriate response from my mom. To her I am competition, and she has to be the center of attention, and if anything good happens to me, than it means she has been abandoned and slighted. Let us know how it goes. We are in your corner, and thinking of you.

[beachbubbles]

This really is helpful. The conversation will be over the phone. I’ll call her tomorrow and act pleasant. If she doesn’t engage or is terse, I’ll pleasantly end the call. If she starts up, I will not react or respond or disagree and then wish her a good day. I can’t let her take me down with her.

It’s a very isolating thing to not have the maternal relationship you want or watch others have. I’ve mourned that loss, but sometimes it crops up. I do tear up listening to friends talk about their moms and how much they adore them. It’ll never be.

[Harri]

It’s a very isolating thing to not have the maternal relationship you want or watch others have. I’ve mourned that loss, but sometimes it crops up. I do tear up listening to friends talk about their moms and how much they adore them. It’ll never be.

Yes, this does hurt and it can come out of nowhere sometimes.  I've learned that, for me, grief may dull or may happen less frequently for things I thought I was through but it never really disappears.

[beachbubbles]

Well I did it.  I made the call.  My dad answered and said she was in the shower.  He was very curt with me, they've obviously been feeding off bitterness together since Friday.  She called back and was cold, but made small talk.  Then she said how disappointed she was that no one came to see her all weekend.  No hug, no quick hello.  Nothing.  "that's all I'm going to say" and then she said it 10 more times. 

Iasked if we had made a promise to her and not kept it, (we had not) and she said no but she was really disappointed that my husband and son didn't come by.  I said oh that's too bad.

It was classic "moving the goal posts". She was mad at me, then she was mad at them, but there hadn't been a request ever.  She would NEVER act disappointed with my husband, so she's mad at me.  She wasn't central to everyone's good time, good times were had, so she had to come up with a way to blame others for her unhappiness.

She sounded very forced and detached.  And seething.  I'm glad it's over and I can't even tell you how many times this exact thing has happened.  She needs everyone to come to her, she can control the environment - she doesn't leave the house and "pop by" to us ever.  She would also NEVER have this conversation with me if I were not alone.  Image, image.

The way she behaves in front of others and behind closed doors is fascinating.  Brag about me publicly, then berate me alone.  Im very accomplished and have had great things in my life and she has seethed thru them all.  And when there were tragic things that happened, and there were, she would say "why do you have to tell me bad things?  Don't you have anything good to tell me?"  No support emotionally ever in my life.

I really appreciate the validation you've all given me.  It made me calmer for the call, and I was proactive instead of anxious when the phone rang.  I never broke or lashed out - and like I said, I have a wicked tongue that goes right for the jugular.

My mother in law is even more disordered (NPD) and cruelly toxic, but since Ive effectively gone no contact with her for 4 years and she lives far away, Ive been forced to deal with my own mother more. 

I'm still anxious and dealing with residual shame from this whole thing with my mother, it just lands whenever she's unhappy.  Knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this is really nice.  Thank you.

And if anyone wants to compare mil war stories, let me know, mine's a doozy.

[sewconfused]

And if anyone wants to compare mil war stories, let me know, mine's a doozy.

This really made me smile today and I really needed to smile. 

We just recently discovered that my MIL is uBPD and I've experienced a full dose of "doozy" in a short period of time.

It's interesting reading your recent thread, because I think part of the problem with my MIL revolves around a bit of her jealousy of me. I could certainly relate to quite a lot that you had to say about your mom as it relates to my MIL.

Sew NOT Confused