Is it okay to be okay with not wanting relationships?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am 5 months OUT of a 12 year relationship with (soon to be ex)high functioning BPD husband-in denial.  I haven't seen or heard from him since the day I filed for divorce (which I am thankful for).  I feel like a million pound weight is lifted off my shoulders.  The divorce will be final in November, but he doesn't know that because he is still hiding from being served.  The judge granted alternative service which was complete at the end of July.  I will have sole legal and physical custody, and he will only get supervised visitation but will first have to respond to the court.  Also he will have to go to therapy, medical treatment, parenting classes and anger management.  My lawyer has already entered the default affidavit.

I have however been struggling as far as bills go.  Though there will be child support order I don't think he will actually pay it.  I have 5 children (2 with him). I have had lots things needing to be fixed in the house from years of him "duct taping" the problems and controlling who did what & what we spent.  New sump pump, sewage pipe, gutters cleaned, trees trimmed, etc.  Not to mention I started out behind on everything because he didn't contribute anything the last month he was here (April).  Anyway I am still moving forward.


But I find myself getting irritated when people say two things.

1. I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. 

Answer: I'm not.  I am so thankful I made it out (alive) & my kids are safe from him.

2.  You'll find someone who will treat you right.

Answer:  I don't want to find someone.  What is wrong with me just being me?  I am happy with it being me, my kids and my cats.  What is wrong with being an independent single woman?  I was a single mom before I met him.  I was young and felt the pressure that I should have a man, get married, be in 'love", etc.  I made a lot of stupid choices that were against my gut feeling.  I don't regret it.  How could I?  I am the person that I am today because of the struggles I went though.  I have 2 more wonderful children. I am stronger and have bravery I didn't know I had. I trust my gut now.  I am everything he said that I wasn't.


Kind of a venting post.  I get that they mean well or don't know what to say.  A relationship with someone with BPD is definitely not your typical relationship or divorce.


in summary:   I am happy just being me and trusting myself. 

[Smileypants]

I am 5 months OUT of a 12 year relationship with (soon to be ex)high functioning BPD husband-in denial.  I haven't seen or heard from him since the day I filed for divorce (which I am thankful for).  I feel like a million pound weight is lifted off my shoulders.  The divorce will be final in November, but he doesn't know that because he is still hiding from being served.  The judge granted alternative service which was complete at the end of July.  I will have sole legal and physical custody, and he will only get supervised visitation but will first have to respond to the court.  Also he will have to go to therapy, medical treatment, parenting classes and anger management.  My lawyer has already entered the default affidavit.

I have however been struggling as far as bills go.  Though there will be child support order I don't think he will actually pay it.  I have 5 children (2 with him). I have had lots things needing to be fixed in the house from years of him "duct taping" the problems and controlling who did what & what we spent.  New sump pump, sewage pipe, gutters cleaned, trees trimmed, etc.  Not to mention I started out behind on everything because he didn't contribute anything the last month he was here (April).  Anyway I am still moving forward.


But I find myself getting irritated when people say two things.

1. I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. 

Answer: I'm not.  I am so thankful I made it out (alive) & my kids are safe from him.

2.  You'll find someone who will treat you right.

Answer:  I don't want to find someone.  What is wrong with me just being me?  I am happy with it being me, my kids and my cats.  What is wrong with being an independent single woman?  I was a single mom before I met him.  I was young and felt the pressure that I should have a man, get married, be in 'love", etc.  I made a lot of stupid choices that were against my gut feeling.  I don't regret it.  How could I?  I am the person that I am today because of the struggles I went though.  I have 2 more wonderful children. I am stronger and have bravery I didn't know I had. I trust my gut now.  I am everything he said that I wasn't.


Kind of a venting post.  I get that they mean well or don't know what to say.  A relationship with someone with BPD is definitely not your typical relationship or divorce.


in summary:   I am happy just being me and trusting myself. 

[Insom]

Hi, Smileypants.   

I hear that responding to unwanted feedback about your divorce feels hard and can relate to how annoying platitudes can feel.

What is wrong with me just being me?  I am happy with it being me, my kids and my cats.  What is wrong with being an independent single woman?

Allow me to support you by shouting NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU JUST BEING YOU!  You are complete and whole and lovely as you are.  And you're exactly right, the person you've become (and are becoming!) is the result of your history and the choices you've made up until this day. 

I get that they mean well or don't know what to say.  A relationship with someone with BPD is definitely not your typical relationship or divorce.

Indeed not.  Would it be fair to say you're struggling with how to present yourself and your new status as a single woman to people whom you feel can't relate to your experience?  (FWIW, I remember feeling caught up in a separate, abusive world with my ex that wasn't visible to the people around me.)

[sweetheart]

Hi,

I am not divorced, and my husband has just returned to live with us after nearly a year and a half in hospital. He has schizophrenia as well as BPD, and more recently a dx of PTSD. We don’t anticipate he will stay forever, but he wanted to come home and look for his own place. Doing this in hospital would have taken a very long time. I was happy for him to return home. He has been coming home every weekend on leave since admission and it has been ok.
We discussed before he came home that we no longer want a relationship with each other, only as friends. That discussion has become possible to explore in the absence of his psychosis.
We sleep separately and there has been no intimacy between us for well over a year. This feels good for both of us and he is no longer triggered by intimacy, neither is he engulfed by my need for anything from him emotionally. There is no push/pull dynamic. And I am now free of the caring role I was fully entrenched in.
The reason I am talking about this in response to your post is because it has been something of a revelation to me that I no longer want to be in an intimate relationship with my h or with anyone else for that matter.
We are a parent to our 10 yr old son who has autism, and I now have a full active life with friends and with myself.
Without a doubt some of my friends struggle with this dynamic, as though I am less than for not wanting to share my life with someone else. Despite the fact I am sharing my life with many other people in many different ways including myself wrong foots a lot of people into assuming there must be something wrong with me.

IME society still has a fairly traditional fixed view of what is expected of adults and there is a tacit view that there must be something wrong with you if you decide that you are content to be single.

I was on holiday with a close friend recently who said I spent so much time focusing on my sons dancing because the rest of my life was empty. (sigh) i asked her what she suggested might give me the fulfilment she felt I was lacking, her reply was a full time job (I took early retirement 3 yrs ago) and a relationship.

I am not a lover of small talk and criticism disguised as  well intentioned platitudes. I understand your need to vent. I was tempted to cut my holiday short my friend annoyed me so much, but I would have been the loser in that decision.
Being an independent single woman is a great thing if that’s what you choose to be. I am having a fab time. 

Vent, but make sure you embrace it too.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, you have to come up with what to say in those awkward moments. I still live in the same area, and mine left and moved many states away over a year ago. So I run into people I know all the time. And I have to say that once I begin healing in a significant way, it became no big deal to be brief and polite about it and move on.

We remain informally separated for a variety of reasons, and I don't see that changing, at least on my side. Many of my friends are empty nesters and some are retired, and I don't see myself ever dating again. And that's fine. I still love him and pray for a miracle; however, I know that BPD is very hard to overcome. I have a lot of friends and activities, and life is good.

[Lucky Jim]

You are complete and whole and lovely as you are. 

Nicely said, Insom.    There's no need to date anyone, Smileypants, unless you feel like it.  Five months is actually a pretty short period of time after a 12-year r/s.  Suggest you be kind to yourself.  When I separated after 13 years of marriage, I breathed a big sigh of relief and had no interest in dating, either.

Later, after more time passed, I decided that maybe I could find someone kind and considerate, who would treat me well, which didn't sound so bad.  Then I discovered that there are kind people out there in the dating world, so the concept of a relationship seemed feasible again.

Fast forward: I've had three relationships with great people.  For various reasons, none has proven to be permanent, but that's OK.  I'm here to confirm that it is possible to have a healthy post-BPD r/s (or more than one!).

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

Personally? Of course it's ok. I realize that there might be more pressure here towards women. 

I only get probes from my ex like when I told her I had lunch with a friend last weekend.  I should know better than to volunteer information.  Teenage response, "Ooo, daddy!" Give me a break. 

Lucky Jim's experience is hopeful and makes me smile if I were ever to change my mind. 

[CryWolf]

first time in my life I enjoy being single. I see so many classmates and friends in relationships they look miserable in. nothing wrong with wanting to not be in a relationship

[Panda39]

Hi Smileypants (love your name  )

I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw, but I also went through my own divorce from an alcoholic husband.

I received a lot of, I'm sorry's too.  I think it's about people trying to be sensitive when they don't know the full story. When you learn someone is divorcing it's just awkward.

I would often get "I'm sorry" from people that didn't know me and my situation well.

Everyone feels differently about the end of a marriage, were you the person who left or are you the person who was left? For some people there is sadness that the marriage didn't work, or that they broke a commitment... .For those folk "I'm sorry" would be appropriate.  For someone who didn't want the marriage to end and was left by their spouse... ."I'm sorry" would also be appropriate.  But for those of us that left, left for the right reasons, and know without a doubt that leaving was the right thing to do... ."I'm sorry" doesn't always fit the bill.  But I would rather have the default be "I'm sorry" rather than Congratulations! that's wonderful!  Could you imagine if your spouse left you for someone else and an acquaintance who didn't know the story came up to you and said "isn't that wonderful!"

I would accept the "I'm sorry" from IMO they are trying to be sensitive to your feelings or just trying to say something about an awkward situation.  When I got "I'm sorry" from someone I would just say don't be it's actually a good thing, everyone would relax and move on.

In terms of finding someone else who will treat you right, I think you have exactly the right attitude.  Be you, enjoy your life, date when you're ready and when you want to.  I also got into relationships for all the wrong reasons, follow your gut and use your brain the next time you decide to date, take the experiences you've had learn from them and make better choices going forward.

Panda39