I've never had a good, healthy relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been so, so focused on my uBPDh and his problems, that I've realized I really haven't spent much time on my own. I know that I have long struggled with vulnerability and real intimacy (you know, the warts and all kind), but I've really been trying to examine why I have had such a long chain of bad relationships with mentally ill and emotionally immature or unavailable individuals.

My first real boyfriend was a boundary buster. He also was young and cheated on me multiple times. We had one of those dramatic, life or death high school relationships. He was my first everything. We broke up and got back together so many times, it's comical to think back on it. It ended by me meeting my next boyfriend.

The following guy was emotionally and physically abusive. I moved out of state to be with him and things moved very fast. He tore me down, controlled my every move, lied to others about me, just an all around worst case scenario. I finally got the courage to "take a break," and I left him for good. I vowed I would never be abused again.

I met the next guy soon thereafter. He was charming, smart, creative, and funny. And he told me he loved me on our third date. Red flag, but I didn't know that then. He ended up being insecure and jealous of me, so he was hypercritical of me and blamed me for everything that went wrong. He had manic episodes where he would be up for days, and huge depressive crashes, where he could barely move.

The first three were doozys. I thought I'd learned from that. However, I kept getting into dating situations where the guy was ambiguous about the relationship, or reluctant to commit. I was the rebound girl, the "fun to date but not get serious with" girl, the "placeholder." I kept finding these men who couldn't be up front with what they wanted, and I pretended not to care, just going along to get along.

I worked through this in therapy. My therapist made me change my dating profile to indicate that I was looking for a serious relationship that could potentially lead to marriage. She encouraged me to date every man three times before I decided to break it off. She told me to avoid sleeping with anyone who wasn't my boyfriend. Most guys ran away after I mentioned I wouldn't be sleeping with them until we were exclusive. It was difficult, but eventually I got used to it. I let men pursue me, I didn't check in or chase if I hadn't heard from a guy in a while. I focused wholly on finding someone who was honest about what he wanted.

That's when I met my husband. He seemed much more sensitive and emotionally available than other guys. In hindsight, I guess I was so focused on his intentions toward me that I completely ignored other red flags. The relationship progressed uncomfortably quickly, but I was, in part, hurrying it along too. At 34 years old, I was worn down and just wanted to "pick someone already!" Did it matter that I wasn't madly in love? I thought it probably was better that way. I avoided addressing some pretty important things. By the time we started fighting, it was a year in and I was already engaged and planning our quick wedding. I thought that things could be worked on. By the time it was getting bad, I was already married. He didn't start devaluing me and dismissing me until about a year into the marriage.

So, going down the timeline, I can face some of my mistakes there. But, even if my marriage ended, I'm not sure I wouldn't fall into another bad situation. I've never had a good, healthy relationship. On the outside, I'm a strong, successful woman with a sense of self worth. On the inside, I fear that even if I project these things, I still will have issues with my own vulnerability, and being able to see the damaged folks before I let them worm their way into my life. How does a person like me prevent themselves from going through the trauma of having a mentally ill or disordered partner again?

[WitzEndWife]

I've been so, so focused on my uBPDh and his problems, that I've realized I really haven't spent much time on my own. I know that I have long struggled with vulnerability and real intimacy (you know, the warts and all kind), but I've really been trying to examine why I have had such a long chain of bad relationships with mentally ill and emotionally immature or unavailable individuals.

My first real boyfriend was a boundary buster. He also was young and cheated on me multiple times. We had one of those dramatic, life or death high school relationships. He was my first everything. We broke up and got back together so many times, it's comical to think back on it. It ended by me meeting my next boyfriend.

The following guy was emotionally and physically abusive. I moved out of state to be with him and things moved very fast. He tore me down, controlled my every move, lied to others about me, just an all around worst case scenario. I finally got the courage to "take a break," and I left him for good. I vowed I would never be abused again.

I met the next guy soon thereafter. He was charming, smart, creative, and funny. And he told me he loved me on our third date. Red flag, but I didn't know that then. He ended up being insecure and jealous of me, so he was hypercritical of me and blamed me for everything that went wrong. He had manic episodes where he would be up for days, and huge depressive crashes, where he could barely move.

The first three were doozys. I thought I'd learned from that. However, I kept getting into dating situations where the guy was ambiguous about the relationship, or reluctant to commit. I was the rebound girl, the "fun to date but not get serious with" girl, the "placeholder." I kept finding these men who couldn't be up front with what they wanted, and I pretended not to care, just going along to get along.

I worked through this in therapy. My therapist made me change my dating profile to indicate that I was looking for a serious relationship that could potentially lead to marriage. She encouraged me to date every man three times before I decided to break it off. She told me to avoid sleeping with anyone who wasn't my boyfriend. Most guys ran away after I mentioned I wouldn't be sleeping with them until we were exclusive. It was difficult, but eventually I got used to it. I let men pursue me, I didn't check in or chase if I hadn't heard from a guy in a while. I focused wholly on finding someone who was honest about what he wanted.

That's when I met my husband. He seemed much more sensitive and emotionally available than other guys. In hindsight, I guess I was so focused on his intentions toward me that I completely ignored other red flags. The relationship progressed uncomfortably quickly, but I was, in part, hurrying it along too. At 34 years old, I was worn down and just wanted to "pick someone already!" Did it matter that I wasn't madly in love? I thought it probably was better that way. I avoided addressing some pretty important things. By the time we started fighting, it was a year in and I was already engaged and planning our quick wedding. I thought that things could be worked on. By the time it was getting bad, I was already married. He didn't start devaluing me and dismissing me until about a year into the marriage.

So, going down the timeline, I can face some of my mistakes there. But, even if my marriage ended, I'm not sure I wouldn't fall into another bad situation. I've never had a good, healthy relationship. On the outside, I'm a strong, successful woman with a sense of self worth. On the inside, I fear that even if I project these things, I still will have issues with my own vulnerability, and being able to see the damaged folks before I let them worm their way into my life. How does a person like me prevent themselves from going through the trauma of having a mentally ill or disordered partner again?

[formflier]

Have you watch Brene Brown's videos... .her TED talks?

Please watch them again even if you think you are familiar with them.

Vulnerability takes (blank)... .fill that in after you watch it.

After that... .we can talk more about what I like about her ideas... .and perhaps some "gaps" in her viewpoints.

I applaud you for working with a T... .following their advice and having standards.  Hint:  The guys that ran... .count yourself lucky.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, WEW. I can certainly relate. I got together with my first husband (husband from hell) just because he was persistent and I assumed this is what I was supposed to do. I never fell in love with him, but I did love him at times, just out of familiarity.

After I blew apart that marriage, I did a fair amount of counseling, hoping to avoid my previous mistakes and avast here I am (it’s talk like a pirate day). My current BPD husband is mild on the scale, a far difference than the first, but he’s also very kind and thoughtful when he’s not BPDing it up too much.

So yes, I’m kinda disappointed in myself for needing to repeat the lesson, but I really do love this guy, unlike the first, and currently, thanks to what I’ve learned here and in therapy—we get along great, BPD be damned.

All I can tell you is look to your FOO. My mother was uBPD and that certainly set me up to repeat the pattern.

With heartfelt affinity,

   
Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Have you watch Brene Brown's videos... .her TED talks?

Please watch them again even if you think you are familiar with them.

FF

My former T actually did have me watch Brene Brown. I'll look back over her talks. I'm sure there's more I could gather from them.

Cat - I had great, mostly emotionally stable parents and family life. I did have some insecurities, particularly around my weight, and dealt with a lot of rejection throughout my childhood and teen years. I think there's something there, which I have explored, dug up, examined, and put back into the hole over and over. I can't quite get to the connection between that and relationships. People call out self worth, but that doesn't feel quite right - or overly simplistic. I don't know. Ugh, this is hard.

[Cat Familiar]

I had great, mostly emotionally stable parents and family life. I did have some insecurities, particularly around my weight, and dealt with a lot of rejection throughout my childhood and teen years. I think there's something there, which I have explored, dug up, examined, and put back into the hole over and over. I can't quite get to the connection between that and relationships. People call out self worth, but that doesn't feel quite right - or overly simplistic. I don't know. Ugh, this is hard.

Great that you had a good upbringing.   Are you and your parents still close? If so, perhaps you could open a dialog with them and pose some of those questions. It might produce some interesting thoughts to hear how they perceived you as a young person.

There's so much baggage we women pick up as adolescents and teens and our sense of self often gets some roadblocks from that part of our life. (Case in point--Professor Ford who, decades later, still feels a need to have two doors out of her bedroom as an escape exit.)

If self worth doesn't feel right, how about something connected to attraction or desirability? So much shaming happens to young women if they don't match a particular mold which is considered to be the template of how women should appear in this culture.
 
   

Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Hmm... .I don't think it's self worth or appearance so much as sort of not recognizing that what's being done is boundary busting, or abnormal. Or ignoring it, for IDK reasons.

I think it's more of a wanting some sort of validation. Maybe seeking validation in others. I have to do some journaling on this.

[once removed]

I have had such a long chain of bad relationships with mentally ill and emotionally immature or unavailable individuals.

there are a variety of reasons we seek out (even subconsciously or unconsciously) these types of relationships.

the trick is finding the dynamics about the relationship that we connected with the strongest. its not always intuitive. id encourage you to explore there though. i would wager you were a little bit different, a little better, a little sharper each time, but that the dynamics still played out similarly. what was initially so attractive? what made the relationship(s) too good to leave, too bad to stay?

[Cat Familiar]

Once removed has some great suggestions about figuring out what was so compelling about these previous relationships.

I think many of us women were never schooled in boundaries and instead learned to be accommodating--which is a really attractive attribute for drawing partners with personality disorders.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WEW, I think it's great that you are exploring the roots of how you ended up married to a pwBPD, which I find to be a fruitful inquiry.  Concerning your question about avoiding unhealthy relationships in the future, one approach is to determine in advance the type of person you're looking for and the qualities you choose to avoid, going forward.  For example, I try to date people who I find kind and considerate, which for me is a good starting point.  No thank you to volatile, easily-angered types like my BPDxW!

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

there are a variety of reasons we seek out (even subconsciously or unconsciously) these types of relationships.

the trick is finding the dynamics about the relationship that we connected with the strongest. its not always intuitive. id encourage you to explore there though. i would wager you were a little bit different, a little better, a little sharper each time, but that the dynamics still played out similarly. what was initially so attractive? what made the relationship(s) too good to leave, too bad to stay?

This is a good thing to think about. I think there's some sense of fear of failure, of guilt, of wanting things to be fixed instead of just counting my losses. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things right.

And, yes, Cat, I think that women are trained to be more accommodating and adaptable, rather than assertive. I think I learned to avoid boundary setting because I was afraid of being seen as not agreeable. Funny how we'll suffer ourselves before making anyone else even the slightest bit uncomfortable.