Husband Nearly Broken After 3 Year Marriage

[LOiseau_de_feu]

I have never done anything like this before. I feel stupid, frankly.

I am in a relationship that is four years old and been married three years.

My wife doesn't work (she didn't work for two years before we got together).

She has a daughter who is now my step-daughter and loves me.

We went to High School together and reconnected after many years of no contact after she was divorced and my marriage was effectively over (we'd been roommates only for years).

In seemingly classic fashion, we clicked immediately, it was perfect, everything I needed then (wife, family, kid).

During the first year, she could be tempermental at times, but I accepted her explanations that this was how real marriages and families work: you have conflict and you make up.

I felt uncomfortable sometimes, like it was more conflict than I liked, but I convinced myself from her that it was normal.

Over time, it got worse. And it was no longer just tempermental but unpredictable behavior and hour long arguments and rages over my inability to hear clearly or do simple things correctly. Lots of comments that I found offensive or insulting.

We moved across country, last year and in March purchased a new house together.

Without going into mind-numbing detail, things got worse, she started threatening divorce, I took time away, and when I came back I was convinced she was going to divorce me or, if not, that the discussions would lead that to happen right away. Neither happened and the day after I got back, she saw a doctor for a number of medical issues that are still being worked on to this day (she's recovering from surgery as I write this). She also totally backpeddled her divorce talk and now is saying that "I came back and asked for a divorce".

She has made efforts to be better but she blew up at me last night in a way like the old ways. And while I was hoping her efforts to be better were genuine and effective, it's clear it's not a permanent solution.

I am struggling because, frankly, I am done. But I know that leaving them will upset their lives and force me/them to sell this house and probably force my 10 year old step-daughter to a new school in a new state. And I'm not convinced that my wife can actually effectively support herself. My wife has weaponized her daughter by informing her of EVERYTHING leading to the daughter to beg me not to leave because she doesn't want to move.

At the same time, my mental health is bad. I'm depressed (even though I'm on anti-depressants). I feel staying will likely kill me as I worry about the passing suicidal thoughts becoming more and more compelling. (Wow, you know, if I could just shoot myself, the pain would be over). But I don't feel I have the energy to pull out of this because of how hard it will be. And I am wracked with guilt on abandoning my wife (when I'm not sure she'll be OK without me) and my step-daughter (who is also a victim of my wife's rages and behavior and would be solely dependent on her mother without me).

Step-daughter's father is in the picture, but in another state. But doesn't have physical or legal custody. He too was a victim of my wife's rages and behavior.

I began to suspect a couple of months ago that my wife might have BPD. I will swear she never told me she did. And I will swear that when I asked about that casually she said she didn't. But in the past few weeks she did disclose that she was diagnosed with BPD in her 20s (we are both nearly 50).

I am reading up on BPD, I fit the "caretaker" profile to a T. I have a counselor and am working on this all with them. i am trying to get  her and me to a joint counselor because I'm tired of our talks going in circles. In her BPD-ness she mops the floor with me and leaves me drained and depressed.

I don't know what I'm hoping for from here. Some others who have been in this and gotten out? Someone to tell me that it's OK for me to break marriage vows and destroy their lives to save my own? Someone to tell me that it's all hopeless and I should just shoot myself and be done with it?

I don't know. All I know is that I'm too strong to fully break (and get that relief). I'm not strong enough to just say "screw everyone, I'm looking out for me". And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to navigate all that would be required to get out (packing up my stuff, doing the divorce papers etc).

Thanks for reading this ramble.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[AskingWhy]

LOiseau,  welcome to the site and thank you for sharing this. 

It's hard to wake up to the realisation that your spouse is BPD.

I understand your depression.  This is a result of our daily having to cope with a BPD partner.  It's hard.  It's exhausting.  I am also struggling with depression married to a uBPD/uNPD H.  My H also makes weekly divorce threats when things are not going his way, and he has done this for the last 10 years of our 20 year marriage.  He never follows through even with a great show of searching for family law attorneys in our town.  He projects his rage at his parents (his FOO is a mess), his children, or work onto me and I become his emotional punching bag. 

You have a great grasp of the dynamics at work in your marriage, and you elucidate this very well.

I am sorry this is going on.  Be sure many on this board know what you are going through. 

Your W using her daughter is a very common tactic with BPDs, and it's called triangulating.  It is unfair for a child when a parent does this.

Have you attempted to use some communication tools from site or others you may have learned?

I go back and forth from wanting to divorce my husband to having compassion for him and his mental illness.  It is very hard to cope with a spouse who is BPD. 

[Lucky Jim]

During the first year, she could be tempermental at times, but I accepted her explanations that this was how real marriages and families work: you have conflict and you make up.

Hey Bird of Fire, For years, I bought into the same sort of explanations and cliches along the lines you mention.  The reality is that these sayings have little applicability to a BPD r/s.  Healthy marriages don't involve abuse.  Normal conflict is one thing; putting a fist through the wall is another.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and, like AskingWhy, can understand why you feel depressed.  Who wouldn't under similar circumstances?  We get it and can help you find your way again.

Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi LOiseau_de_feu, and

you are between a rock and a hard place, to be sure. as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, im glad you found us. a good, strong, support system is critical.

I have a counselor and am working on this all with them.

can you tell us more about this and how its going? your mental health is vital. navigating everything is like trying to move mountains when our resources are depleted. are you working with your counselor in regards to this?

[LOiseau_de_feu]

Thanks everyone (and nice catch on the meaning of the handle).

My apologies for the delay.

I have a personal counselor who is doing a good job of calling out the manipulative behavior. Ever since, as she put it, I put divorce on the table, she's been super nice. She started backsliding a little two weeks ago and then when she realized that divorce was still on the table, after a day or two of being angry and upset she was back to being super nice.

I've insisted on a family counselor because I'm not willing to have heavy discussions just the two of us. I always lose. I end thinking "yeah, it is all my fault" and I'm not willing to allow that any more. Also, this counselor sees children so I've lobbied for my step-daughter to go.

I reached a point two weeks ago where I finally just concluded I can't do this any more. Even when she's nice, I'm just not happy. I'm on guard. My personal counselor said I have to own my parts in this (my inability to stand up and say what I want and need) and take responsibility for ending it, but also get over any self-hatred or blaming.

I'm taking that to heart.

She continues to triangulate: she told our daughter that divorce was still on the table last week (after telling her a month ago it was off the table even when I said it wasn't off the table). Our daughter was upset, but surprisingly, wasn't upset with me, she said she was just shocked by it all.

I also realized that i need help building a plan and executing it. I can't do it myself: I get overwhelmed. So I'm working with my lawyer, my personal counselor and the new family counselor to figure out how to make this all happen.

So, in that regard, I guess I've made my decision. Not sure if I need to move to another board now.

Thank you for the kind words and support. For askingwhy in particular, I hear where you are and feel for you. The one thing a friend of mine said may be of note for you. He said that wedding vows aren't a suicide pact. My counselor agrees with that.

I feel bad for everyone. But I don't feel so bad that i'm willing to be unhappy for my remaining days. Even when it's good now, it's just not that good.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

I also realized that i need help building a plan and executing it. I can't do it myself: I get overwhelmed. So I'm working with my lawyer, my personal counselor and the new family counselor to figure out how to make this all happen.

I am glad you already have a team.  Do include this site as well.  We have a Law board where some very helpful people can guide you.  They have been through the process or are currently in it so you will have good input from others.  Having a plan and knowing your options are critical.

I don' think you necessarily need to find another board to post on.  You will still be in communication with your wife and will have to talk with her about the kids, divorce, etc so the tools and lessons here will be important in helping you with your planning and communicating with your wife.  this is the best board to learn the communication tools.  That all said, you can also post on any of the other boards as long as the topic fits with the board culture (see who should post on this board).