Trying to process feelings and getting stuck

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ideal imagined scenario would be if you had a friend in the police department who could accompany you to his motel room and ask for the title.

[Cat Familiar]

My ideal imagined scenario would be if you had a friend in the police department who could accompany you to his motel room and ask for the title.

[formflier]

Exactly.

It is your title.  He has stolen it from you.  Technically I think it is "larceny" (depending on the state)... since no force was involved.  Some states call it different things.

Or... the police can help he "remember" that he has forgotten to give it back.

I don't think there is ANY reason to ever discuss the title with him again.  Seriously... .let consequences flow.  Technically stop saving him from consequences.

FF

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed,

Be mindful of old patterns.  You're doing so well overall.   

Now is the time to remain aware and continue to make shifts which reinforce your positive momentum.  It's a gradual process to backslide and it sounds as though your h is chipping away at your resolve.  Don't run around in circles negotiating and working around him on his terms over this.  Take a new approach.  It may be uncomfortable, and that is a good thing.  In my experience discomfort at doing something a new way signifies growth.  How you approach this differently to the way you would before, or have been doing, is your choice.  Just remember you have options.  There are always options.  Head up, chest out, shoulders back, deep breath and act.  Rooting for you and sending strength. 

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

I got it back! 

He texted me. Said he would meet me in a public place on my break, and that is what we did.

Thank God that is done.

[I Am Redeemed]

Ok. So now, I have to keep my guard up. I still do not want much contact, and I know that uBPDh will continue to initiate contact almost constantly. He will push to talk to s2, to see s2.

He apologized for his behavior, and offered to buy me another purse. Then dropped hints about how he is broke.

It is obvious to me that no matter what he does he expects me to still be there in some form or fashion. And I read an article on Lundy Bancroft's website last night about how it is the natural result for someone to crack under the constant pressure applied by another person who intends to wear someone down. So, knowing that, I have to have a means of reducing that pressure. This is where the dv advocates will come in. most likely, because that is what I talked about on the phone with the director and she said they can help me with how to deal with him if I am not in complete NC.

The sooner I can do that, the better, and it may be Tuesday before I have time to go. But I am going.

I have been researching online about domestic abuse and found several websites (such as Lundy Bancroft's) that have been helpful. i found a couple that are Christian-based that were very, very helpful. One especially hit home with me, as a reader had written and asked a question that seemed like it came out of my own mind. It was written by a woman who had chosen to leave her abusive husband, a man who had been diagnosed with BPD. She asked if there are any stories of God changing an abusive, mentally ill man.

The answer was basically, "no". In fact, the woman quoted Bancroft who said "don't let too much of your life slip away, hoping that he'll change. Over the past three decades I've heard a hundred or more women say 'I wish I could get back all those years I lost trying to get him to work on himself'. But I've never once heard yet a woman say 'I gave up on my abusive partner too soon. I wish I'd given them more of a chance'."

Her answer pretty much said that you can always hope that someone will change, and pray for them. But you need to look at things realistically, and the reality is that abusers most often do not change.

I know that since he apologized and was able to contact me again that he will begin again the process of wearing me down over seeing s2. I do not an any way think that just because he apologized that this type of behavior will not happen again. In fact, history has shown that it will, it's just a matter of time.

Also... .I think he called my cell provider and got my phone records. He told me that someone from a certain number called me numerous times between march and july, and gave the number, and said the phone conversations lasted fifteen minutes at a time. Said someone told him this was a person I was seeing while he was in jail, and gave him the number. When I heard it, it sounded familiar and I didn't remember how, until it clicked that it was the number that used to show up when he called me from jail. I told him "that was you, that's the jail number" and he started laughing. Now, I know that he knew who it was the whole time, but this whole conversation is just disturbing to me. It's mind games. And it wasn't until later that I realized the implication of him knowing that number and how many times it called between those months... .I think he called my cell provider and got my phone records.

So, I have got to change basically everything that he would be able to gain access to. And when I do, no doubt he will accuse me of having something to hide.

I predict that the more boundaries I set... .the more dysregulated he will get... .and therefore the more dangerous... .because he admits to being obsessed and infatuated with me... .though he claims it is "love".

I need to build a large support system, asap.

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

Redeemed, I've just caught up on all the recent events.  Congrats on finally nailing the van title issue!  Soon, hopefully, you'll have a happy van with tags, a good cooling system, and a title!

You've got quite a team here supporting you.  I'm glad for all the progress you've made, especially in overcoming your past bad experiences and your phone anxiety to reach out to the DV center.  It is fantastic when folks surprise us with help and understanding we didn't expect!

Keep up the good work, and make sure to trust yourself.  You are intelligent, well-read on this stuff, and capable.  You've got this.

RC

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome that you got the title back.     

Yes, you are very wise about keeping your guard up and thinking that he will try and wear down your resistance with constant pressure.

I'm so glad that you've found some DV resources with experienced people who understand what you're going through. They understand nuance and that it's reasonable to have limited contact so that he can visit with his son.

Good for you that you're pushing some of your own boundaries to reach out for support.    You're a very bright and resourceful woman, not to mention, very strong and your self-image is beginning to catch up with reality. 

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Ok, so new question. He started to sign the title. He actually wrote his first name on it, but not his last name. Can I strike through that and sign my name without a problem?

He admitted that he was going to tag it in his name, but he remembered that he doesn't have proof of address in this county. No mail, his license has his mother's address which is a different county.

He said I could just add my name on there and title it in both our names. Like that's going to happen. 

Anyone know if this is a problem?

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

How about going to the DMV (ugh--I know--a real time waster) and finding out.

[formflier]

Do you have the title in your possession?

If not... .there is no need to discuss anything else with him... .EVER.

Once you have it in your hand... .take it to DMV and I"m sure they will help you work through it.

No reason to discuss with DMV without title in hand that you can show to them.

So... .he was going to try to "take" your car from you.  Do you understand that... .knowing full well that  it was yours... .instead of asking you for it... .he felt entitled... .

Now he wants part of it.  NO... NEVER.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Do you have the title in your possession?

If not... .there is no need to discuss anything else with him... .EVER.

Once you have it in your hand... .take it to DMV and I"m sure they will help you work through it.

No reason to discuss with DMV without title in hand that you can show to them.

So... .he was going to try to "take" your car from you.  Do you understand that... .knowing full well that  it was yours... .instead of asking you for it... .he felt entitled... .

Now he wants part of it.  NO... NEVER.

FF

EXACTLY. He feels entitled to do what he wants, as if I am not a separate person with any rights. This is what his mother meant when she said he sees me as a possession- I'm "his wife".

Where I live, we go to the county clerk's office to get tags, not DMV. I suppose I can call tomorrow and ask them. And yes, the title is now in my possession.

And here come the calls and texts today, offering to keep s2 while I do homework, while I work. As if nothing ever happened.

This is just crazy.

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

He feels entitled to do what he wants, as if I am not a separate person with any rights.

BINGO!  Redeemed, I have felt exactly the same way.  I am excited for you that you are on the road to reclaiming your life as a separate person!

WW

[formflier]

  And yes, the title is now in my possession.

 

OK... .yes!   A dysfunctional tool "appears" to have been taken away.  Don't relax until at the county clerks office... and the title has been processed.

When you get a minute... I'm interested in details of how the title got back to you... .there may be a "healthy" way to "close the loop" when the title has been processed.

Now... .on to him blowing up your phone... .I'm going to suggest that AFTER the title has been handled, that the next step is to be thoughtful for a few days about your "technology" and how you communicate with your hubby.

It's obvious that isn't working... .and there seemed to be a concern of hacking or viewing... or some other odd kind of influence.

Can we set a goal that a technology plan will be in place by the weekend... and perhaps be taking a few steps down the road towards making that plan a reality?

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

He texted me on my break yesterday and said he had tried to find someone going my way to drop it off to me, but he couldn't. Said he was walking towards my work and asked could i meet him, so I drove down the street and met him in a parking lot, highly visible area, gas station, apartments etc. He gave it to me, admitted he started to sign it. He checked the coolant in the car and said the new coolant in the reserve was now dirty and that wasn't good. I had to go back to work so I used that as an excuse to cut conversation short and leave. Today he wanted me to come by and let him do something about the coolant, but I didn't want to and thankfully it poured rain so that stopped him from pushing for it. He wanted to take s2 to church while I was at work today. I said no.

I know he tried to change the password to our joint Facebook page so he can get into it. That account is linked to my phone number. I was using the messenger on that account but I stopped, and now have my own individual messenger account without a Facebook page setup. Same phone number though.

I am pretty sure he has figured out a way to view my individual messenger, and called my cell provider for information on who I have called. I can probably prevent that by changing the pin and by telling my cell provider that he is not an authorized party. I have a friend at work who went through the same thing with his ex fiance.

I don't want to change my phone number but I might have to. I don't have anything to hide, but I think I need to set a boundary around my privacy. It goes back to him feeling entitled to spy on me.

Thoughts?

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

I wouldn't change your cell number right away.  Get some of this technology stuff untangled if you can, so that you know how to keep your new number from getting "dirty" and tangle up in the mess as well.

Secure your cell phone first.  Call the provider.  Ask them to put an alert on your account.  Tell them that your husband has been to jail for domestic violence, you have a restraining order in place, and he is stalking you.  Ask if they have a special person you can talk to, and ask if they have a special protocol.  You don't want to talk to someone who just started working there last week.  Let us know how it goes so other members can learn.

Change all of your passwords, including your solo messenger account.

What do you want to do to the joint Facebook account?  Do you want to take it down completely?  Freeze it in place for now?  Take it over as your own?  How is it named?  Just one of your names, or something that has both of your names or something like "Redeemed Family?"

[formflier]

Give it a few days and we need to figure out something you can say via text to "help him understand" that you appreciate the title getting back to you and that he needs to reflect on that... .because that is EXACTLY the kind of thing that "gets in the way" of your relationship.  Very important you don't say "only" or anything like that.


Technology... .

The beauty of google voice (and other things like that) is you control when and where the number rings and the texts go.

So... .you can another cell phone number (to an actual physical cell phone) yet NEVER give that to anyone.  Only tell google voice to send stuff there.

Most people will text and call your google voice number and never know it's not a "real" cell phone.

There are ways you can customize what happens when certain numbers call and perhaps when they text, but honestly I haven't played with that much.

You need a really... really strong password on your google account... something only you know and nobody else will guess (yet with complicated symbols as well)

"Gl@d1havemytitle"

(glad I have my title) turned into a password... .only you would know the 1 is an "eye"... .you can make it more complicated if you want... .but the above should be sufficient.  Obviously don't tell anyone else.

Play with google voice first and get it working.  Then give him that number as your phone number.  Then... change your phone number with same company... .or switch companies all together and get new phone.

Do some thinking about who has the old number that really needs to know you switched.

The order of things will help reduce chaos due to switching.

You and your roomie can play around with google voice settings... .have her blow up your "GV" with texts and calls... .and change settings to see how the test number is handled.

My hope for you is that in a couple of weeks you can "turn off" your hubby for most of the day.

Turn phone on "access" to his number, deal with him for hour or so... then turn him off again.  We can help with how to "break the news" to him.

Get the tech set up first... .

You can do this!

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

It's I both our names, like Redeemed h first name, Redeemed first name, last name.

I never really used it much. It was basically his page. I am not a Facebook fan.

Redeemed

[Radcliff]

It's I both our names, like Redeemed h first name, Redeemed first name, last name.

I never really used it much. It was basically his page. I am not a Facebook fan.

Redeemed

What do you want to do with that Facebook page?  If you're not sure, and just want to park it for a bit, you could establish a separate Gmail account with a neutral name you wouldn't mind letting go of someday, and link the Facebook account to that, removing all traces of your phone number.

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, he's still perpetrating emotional abuse against me. Classic abuser tactics.

Told me today he spoke with a lawyer, who supposedly told him he has the right to know "who is around his son." Regardless of protection order. Also said that if the protection order has been violated in any way (by me) that it is null and void. Though I already spoke to the DV director about it and she said the order is for him, not me, and that there is nothing I can do to violate it. It doesn't place restrictions on me, it is meant to prevent him from harassing and abusing me further.

He said the lawyer told him that if he feels like his son is in an unsafe situation, he should call CPS. Said he wouldn't do that, though.

The whole point of this conversation is to accuse me of doing things which I have not done, i.e. letting my son be around unsafe people, and to covertly threaten and intimidate me. Like I said, classic abuser tactics.

I hung up the phone and turned it off. I do not have to listen to this kind of blather.

I start mindfulness exercises with T next week. She said this will help me with stress and anxiety. I am almost to the point of ending all contact and filing for divorce. Let the courts work out visitation with S2. I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I am sick of him retaliating in vindictive, manipulative or outright threatening ways when he feels entitled and that I am not recognizing or acknowledging his entitlement.

He absolutely did look up my phone records. The other night he rattled off several phone numbers on my contact list, and asked who they were. Said he did it because "he has a right to know who is around his
 son." I changed the pin number on my cell provider account, because I found out that you can log in online and access the phone records for a certain period of time. I haven't changed the pin since I got the phone until now and he's the one who set it up initially, so I know that he knew it.

Last night he called repeatedly even though I had told him that I was doing homework and I only had until 11 pm to finish it. It was a lot, accounting math problems and stuff, requires lots of concentration.

I finally answered during a break and he broke down crying on the phone, talking about how lonely and hurt he is over what he has done to me. Went off on a spiritual tangent. This morning he was friendly in the texts, and then that turned to snarky, vindictive and covertly threatening.

I told my counselor today that he is still looking to me to be his sole emotional support system, and I can't. I have been too wounded. As his mother tried to tell him, son, if you keep drawing from a well too much eventually it's going to run dry.

I have no energy, patience or tolerance left for this. I also am not progressing in my own healing when I am worried that I am becoming bitter, cold, uncaring or unfeeling because his issues are draining me. I do have empathy, but for God's sake there is a limit. I can not continue to give of myself when there is barely enough to sustain me. It does no good anyway, there is no limit to the bottomless pit of BPD emotional need. I especially am running very low on patience for hearing about how intolerable the discomfort is for someone who is experiencing the results of his own choices and behaviors. And I don't like swinging between rational analysis of this situation and my emotional attachment to it. I still feel like I am going crazy sometimes.

I am going to start working with my T on boundaries and consistency, and on asserting my right to have boundaries without feeling guilty about enforcing them. As she said today, it's a sticky web that he is weaving. She said don't go near the web, don't put a leg on the web, don't even put a toe on the web. And don't feel bad about it either, because it may save my life. Or my sanity, or both.

sorry for the rambling, but it's been a few days and I had to vent out some of this stuff.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like he’s pulling this “lawyer” info out of his azz. Notice the same wording regarding your phone records.

 Your counselor sounds awesome!

If you’re worried about becoming “bitter, cold, unfeeling or uncaring,” relax. It’s been part of your nature to over-care and not assert your boundaries. It feels odd because you’re so unused to supporting your own right to autonomy. Over time it will start to feel more normal and you needn’t worry about losing your compassion. That is part of who you are.

[formflier]

How did things go with the title and getting new plates?

   

Ditto from me on the over caring thing.  It will feel weird at first but most likely you have been over functioning, over caring and over everything else for a while.

FF

[Radcliff]

I am going to start working with my T on boundaries and consistency, and on asserting my right to have boundaries without feeling guilty about enforcing them. As she said today, it's a sticky web that he is weaving. She said don't go near the web, don't put a leg on the web, don't even put a toe on the web. And don't feel bad about it either, because it may save my life. Or my sanity, or both.

Sounds like a great T!  Yes, boundaries without guilt.  Less exposure to him will accelerate your healing.

Glad to hear that you plugged the call records security hole, hopefully.

You are not rambling at all.  Everything you said makes perfect sense.  It's a lot to process, and it takes time.  We're happy to listen.