it is time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi I've read Walking on Eggshells and Splitting.  And after 2 years of retaining an attorney, I am making plans to leave the relationship.  I've tried before but gave in to the exhaustion.  All is in place.  Trying to find the place, time and words. 

[AquaFina]

Hi I've read Walking on Eggshells and Splitting.  And after 2 years of retaining an attorney, I am making plans to leave the relationship.  I've tried before but gave in to the exhaustion.  All is in place.  Trying to find the place, time and words. 

[livednlearned]

Can you tell us a little about what your spouse is like? Are there kids involved?

Exhaustion is typically code for depression for many of us. I know how hard it is to gather the strength necessary -- we often feel so deeply beaten down.

When you say you tried before, did you tell your spouse about wanting a divorce?

What are the behaviors that most concern you?

[NeedsHelp]

I am not in a place to offer advice, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Mutt]

Hi Aquafina,

I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our forums here. It sounds like you’re reward and it’s a good idea to talk to a support group like us we get it here. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. Hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

Too often there is never a perfect time or place.  Just do what you have to do in a time and place where you are at less risk of reprisals and allegations.

Yes, to try to pick a "less bad" or "less risky" time and place, but also be aware that many people with BPD (pwBPD), while seriously messed up, are also life-long experienced manipulators and saboteurs.  Your spouse may sense something is up fro subtle changes in your actions and reactions and try to turn the tables on you.  Not saying she will, but that's always a possibility.

If you do it in a private setting, perhaps have a really trusted friend or relative nearby.

What will you be doing?  Giving divorce papers?  Or politely giving advance notice that you will divorce?  There's no safe way to do it but giving her time to react negatively (or overreact) could give her time to sabotage you such as by making DV or abuse claims before getting served.

And if there are children involved, have you discussed with your lawyer how to handle it if she starts raging or worse?  Yes, you can leave, but would she let you take the children with you?  As in, "You're angry, I will take the kids to the park, a restaurant or wherever and we'll return when you've calmed down."  I know my ex wouldn't have behaved well.  One time (before separation), she was raging and I tried to leave.  She jumped on my back to stop me leaving!