He contacted me and it's a big setback

[blooming]

My uBPD ex contacted me on saturday for the first time in 3 months. We did see eachother once in the meantime, because we were at the same party, and spoke briefly. He deleted the first message he sent me yesterday before I could read it, and after it he sent a message saying that he should have thought better before sending the first message and that's why he deleted it, because he didn't want to burden me (?). He said that people hadn't been nice to him at the party he was at yesterday, but that it wasn't my fault and I should just forget about it. Then he asked me something about how cycling was going.

What followed was a conversation which lasted 'till right about now. Although of course we weren't talking all the time, there were always an hour or a few hours in between messages, sometimes more. We just talked about what we we're doing with our lives (he didn't ask how I was doing but I told him at that party at the end of August that I wasn't doing well so he probably just was scared to ask or something).

He didn't answer one of the messages I sent at about 5:30 p.m. on saturday until 10:30 a.m. on sunday, so I'm pretty sure he was with a girl (his new girlfriend?) around that time. It sucks that I kept thinking about him with her during that time. Because of the contact he's on my mind a lot more again. I miss him a lot again. I just wish I would find someone else so I could forget about him and try to be happy again. Because I still feel so empty inside.

This wednesday I have the first appointment with my psychotherapist, I really hope it goes well.

[Shawnlam]

Sadly most of us have been treated this way it’s completely normal for “them “.You have to start looking at the situation for exactly what it is and it’s not flattering I’m sorry for what I’m going to write . He doesn’t care about you ,never did , he was bored .These people have a harem of attention supply (fish on a hook if you will), you are one of them.They are also ALWAYS BORED , and my best guess his attention supplies are dwindling so here you come to the rescue,thats what this is .They live in present moment of emotion that’s it that’s all ,so at that moment he was lonely and bored(and there you were) .

That’s all it was , that’s all it will ever be , you will need to come to terms with this as harsh and bad as I’m sounding I’m only trying to shed the proper light on the subject to help you.Ive been where you are it gets better I promise ,go no contact or at the very least read and delete their BS communications,I do it weekly.

[blooming]

Sadly most of us have been treated this way it’s completely normal for “them “.You have to start looking at the situation for exactly what it is and it’s not flattering I’m sorry for what I’m going to write . He doesn’t care about you ,never did , he was bored .These people have a harem of attention supply (fish on a hook if you will), you are one of them.They are also ALWAYS BORED , and my best guess his attention supplies are dwindling so here you come to the rescue,thats what this is .They live in present moment of emotion that’s it that’s all ,so at that moment he was lonely and bored(and there you were) .

That’s all it was , that’s all it will ever be , you will need to come to terms with this as harsh and bad as I’m sounding I’m only trying to shed the proper light on the subject to help you.Ive been where you are it gets better I promise ,go no contact or at the very least read and delete their BS communications,I do it weekly.

Thank you for your quick response Shawnlam. It's okay to be harsh. You're right of course. I just think it's rude that now he's responding this late, whereas during our relationship he was always really quick to respond. It hurts that he doesn't find me important anymore.

And it's also hard that the first time we broke up is now almost a year ago so in my head I'm thinking about how it was this time last year, when we were still pretty much happily together. This upcoming weekend would be the last weekend that I went to his parents, because it was his stepfather's birthday. So now I keep thinking about whether or not he will take a new girl to his stepfather's birthday and things like that. It's hard to keep my head from thinking these kind of thoughts.

[juju2]

Hi Bloom.

Hang in there.   Its a journey. 
I am learning more about myself... .

Shawnlam, in one of your posts, you talk about many books you read on cluster b.   Are there any that helped more than others.   Sorry to hijack this thread bloom.

Thank you all,

j

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blooming, What keeps you hangin' on, as the song goes?  Right, he contacted you, but you didn't necessarily have to jump right back into the conversation.  Suggest you pause next time before responding and try to determine if it's a healthy move for you.  You get to determine who you stay in contact with, right?  It's up to you.

LuckyJim

[Lostinthedesert]

"When this starts to register over and over again in your mind you will stop caring about this emotional vampire but it takes awhile for us to understand the fundamental reasoning behind what these people base their life foundation on so I’ll sum it up for you below,it should help you.

1: they only care about themselves and all the attention they can get in order to suppress their feelings of self hatred and inadequacy

2: see number 1#

There just summed it up for you .Yes their fear of abandonment and self hatred ,loathing of themselves , depression and anger all tie up together  but it’s a far excuse to do the following to others ( cheat ,lie,manipulate,purposely hurt,feed off positive traits they don’t have ,break down and control others). Many people have had far far worse childhoods and pulled through so if they can’t grow up and stop behaving like children , to bad they get zero sympathy."

This is sadly so painful and true.  It is exactly what we all struggle with and wish was not true... .at least myself anyway.  I wanted to believe my ex truly loved me so very much, as that is what I felt and that is what she said so many times... .  however, taking that brutally honest look at the actual behavior doesn't seem to point to love.  I agree about the "bored" thing.  My ex so needed outside validation and attention and would seek it out from just about anybody, which often put her in dangerous situations.  I could never totally understand this.  As hard as it is to face the truth, somehow, someway we have to hold on to our self-respect and dignity and just stop allowing ourselves to engage.