Ex is trying to get full custody

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 
My borderline ex has always been difficult, but a year ago I began a new relationship with a new partner, with whom I've now moved in, and started a better job.
As a result my ex has launched a campaign of harassment, parental alienation, and disruption all aimed at gaining full custody of our 13yr old son (we currently have shared custody), destroying my new relationship, and ruining me financially. Six months ago she found herself an attack dog lawyer who has been bullying me with absurd mandate letters and an aggressive claim for full custody. Now I'm being extorted into agreeing to one-on-one "counselling" with my abuser just to avoid losing my son. Meanwhile my son has been driven to the point of breakdown by her continually involving him in the dispute.  

I've read all the articles about setting boundaries, going "low contact", and "parallel parenting", but all of this is easier said than done. My ex is relentless in her constant demands for face to face meetings where she knows she can manipulate me off the record.

I have good lawyers, but I can't pay them forever. Nor can I take the stress of being constantly bullied and dragged to court without cause.

I want to find some sort of definitive solution, but I don't know if one exists.
I've considered filing for sole custody myself, but worry about the consequences.

[Dionysius]

 
My borderline ex has always been difficult, but a year ago I began a new relationship with a new partner, with whom I've now moved in, and started a better job.
As a result my ex has launched a campaign of harassment, parental alienation, and disruption all aimed at gaining full custody of our 13yr old son (we currently have shared custody), destroying my new relationship, and ruining me financially. Six months ago she found herself an attack dog lawyer who has been bullying me with absurd mandate letters and an aggressive claim for full custody. Now I'm being extorted into agreeing to one-on-one "counselling" with my abuser just to avoid losing my son. Meanwhile my son has been driven to the point of breakdown by her continually involving him in the dispute.  

I've read all the articles about setting boundaries, going "low contact", and "parallel parenting", but all of this is easier said than done. My ex is relentless in her constant demands for face to face meetings where she knows she can manipulate me off the record.

I have good lawyers, but I can't pay them forever. Nor can I take the stress of being constantly bullied and dragged to court without cause.

I want to find some sort of definitive solution, but I don't know if one exists.
I've considered filing for sole custody myself, but worry about the consequences.

[david]

Is the shared custody in a court order ?

How is your relationship with your son ?

I would avoid all face to face meetings. I only communicate through email so there is clear documentation.

What reason does she have for one-on-one counseling ?

[Dionysius]

Thanks for the reply.
Yes the shared custody is in a court order (alternating weeks).

My relationship with my son is severely damaged, in that his trust in me is undermined and he is afraid to talk to me. He's constantly exposed to a narrative from his mom that I'm refusing to communicate, am sick, or in some kind of trouble. On one occasion, the two of them showed up to my residence when I was still at work and she had him wondering if they should call the police. I've refused to let her have any contact with my new partner, so her imagination runs wild.

She is clearly willing to use lawyers and the court to get her way, so any communication MUST be in writing. She regularly distorts or misrepresents what's been "agreed to" in past conversations. In her mind, asking is getting. There's no saying no.

As for the counselling, it's a long story... .When I found a new place with my new partner and her kids across town (30 min away), I encouraged my son to try finding activities in the new neighborhood, which he didn't want to do. His mom escalated his anxiety about this change to the point of him needing to see a psychiatrist. When the therapist encouraged him to write us a letter to express his feelings about the situation my ex told him to write that he only wanted to be with me every other weekend. His original idea was to simply readjust the existing schedule. This then became the basis of a claim for immediate interim custody, as if he was somehow in danger. When the court appointed him a lawyer he told her that he didn't want to be involved and that his mom kept pressuring him. As a result, the custody claim fell apart and the lawyers recommended reaching a new interim agreement. Article one of this agreement was for her and I do counselling, neglecting to mention that this dr requires a $3000 retainer. With all the legal costs I've incurred, I cannot pay this. Besides, how do you think my new partner feels when I'm being asked to go to counselling with my ex? Also, this agreement demands that I take my son to all of his activities located near his mom "without exception". I feel like I have no parental authority of my own and can't make decisions about what happens in my own household.

All I want is for communication about our son to be limited to a weekly email update. Simple.
She insists on regular face to face meetings to "discuss" him and work out whatever issues she thinks we have.
The only issue is that she can't move on and is now working to punish me for doing so. 

[david]

It sounds like her abandonment fears kicked in when she found out about your new partner.

I live around 30 to 40 minutes away from my ex and we have 50/50. That has been since 2010. Our oldest graduated high school last year and lives with me full time. Our youngest is 15.

[worriedStepmom]

My very existence triggers my H's uBPdxw, so I get it.  She truly believes that since I have 2 biokids from my first marriage, my H should give up all rights to his daughter, because uBPDxw has only 1 kid and that's fair.  Sigh.  We are lucky that his ex is afraid of court.

H and I live 30 minutes away from our exes.  This is slightly difficult for the children - they have a full life here, of activities, etc.  They don't have friends where their other parents live, so they get bored or lonely sometimes. [Even when we did not have primary custody of SD, her life was here.] We schedule SD's activities when she's with us because her mom is not reliable.  My non-BPD ex drives in to make sure our biokids can do their activities (he has standard EOW and one night during the week).  Any adjustments to

Has your son made friends in your new area? Does he get along okay with your partner and her kids?  Basically, how has he adjusted to all the changes?

Does your son's therapy include dealing with some of the things his mom is saying, or is it just meds?  Does he have a safe space to talk about her with someone neutral?  Or is he primarily being asked to talk about his feelings about your new place and new partner?  Can he see a therapist or psychologist too?

I would not agree to anything that required me to do counseling with my ex (who doesn't have BPD), and there is absolutely no way my H would do it with his ex.  What is the expressed goal of that therapy?

We filed for primary custody of SD after her mom started forcing SD into the middle of adult decisions and disagreements.  We documented specific behaviors that SD started to show to indicate the stress she was under.  Her T made it clear to us that he thought she would do better in our home, and we would have insisted on a custody evaluation with psychological testing if uBPDxw hadn't folded.

[livednlearned]

My relationship with my son is severely damaged, in that his trust in me is undermined and he is afraid to talk to me.

This particular battle is excruciating. It also can't be won in court. Have you read Don't Alienate the Kids (Bill Eddy), Divorce Poison (Richard Warshak) and Dr. Craig Childress's work? All three books recommend specific communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned -- these skills are for communicating with your son, not your ex.

Article one of this agreement was for her and I do counselling, neglecting to mention that this dr requires a $3000 retainer.

What happens if you don't do it? Are you required to pay for it? Does the order say anything about what will happen if you don't attend? When my court ordered coparenting counseling, I went to two sessions ($300/hr) and said it was too expensive, she couldn't permit me to not sign one of the waivers, and she could not guarantee my safety, and I wasn't going to go anymore. The court kinda shrugged.

I have found that it helps to propose solutions when the court can't. Maybe what you propose instead is that you and S13 do family counseling together so you can understand better how to communicate with him. Courts love parents who love counseling, and even more when parents have a solution mindset. All they care about is minimizing conflict and keeping you out of the court room, especially if you live in an area with busy court dockets.

I feel like I have no parental authority of my own and can't make decisions about what happens in my own household.

You can't stop her from being a vexatious litigant, but you can stop her from making you feel like you have no parental authority. The key is to stop defending yourself and start validating how your son feels.

"You don't want to do new activities in this new neighborhood. I can understand why it produces anxiety -- doing new things with new kids, especially when you're a teen -- it makes a lot of sense. I'm getting kind of far from those years and forget how it can feel awkward and hard. And sometimes I don't listen well when you tell me how you're feeling. I'm trying to get better at that. I might need some help, ok? What do you think about me getting a counselor who will meet with both of us? That way I can pick up some skills about how to communicate better, especially when I'm under stress. You're important to me and I want to make sure I get this right."

I guarantee you he knows his mom talks like she's got his back, but he knows emotionally and psychologically that all this drama is about her. If you get out of that drama triangle and don't even talk about his mom, and instead focus on his feelings and what he needs, it will go a long way.

She insists on regular face to face meetings to "discuss" him and work out whatever issues she thinks we have.

Well that's ridiculous. When you get a silly request like this, propose something in totally the opposite direction like Our Family Wizard. "Miscommunication from verbal conversations between parties generates conflict that adversely impacts S13. We propose that all communication occur electronically through OFW for a year. If necessary, a parenting coordinator or coparenting counselor can provide individual counseling on communication strategies to minimize conflict to mom or dad when requested by each party separately."

I'm sorry she is doing this through the courts. It's stressful and expensive and exhausting. Keep setting limits and sticking to them -- she is dysregulated right now because of the new partner/new situation and it may take her a while to settle down her emotions.  

[ForeverDad]

She's on an extended Extinction Burst wave, she is desperately doing anything and everything so you retreat back to the prior status quo.  You know that's not going to happen so that option is out.  Appeasing and acquiescing is out too, by and large that fails sooner or later.  Playing Defense isn't a good strategy either, if you know team sports, you'll remember that teams don't win much if at all when all they play is Defense.  She's playing a Win or Win game, anytime you get close to a goal post, she'll move it away.

What generally works, over time, is having strong practical boundaries.  She won't respect your boundaries, probably hasn't for a long, long time.  So boundaries are for you, to guide your actions and responses.  Here's an example how it won't work... ."Don't rant or rage at me."  You know that won't ever work.  But this can work, if not at first, then eventually... ."If you rant or rage at me, I will leave until you calm down."  Or, "If you rant or rage at me on the phone (and ignore my request to stop) then I will hang up."  If you set the framework for communication and how you will halt or stop participating with any misbehaviors, then things ought to get better.  Maybe not a lot better, but it will be less unmanageable.

As for full custody, courts are very reluctant to shut one parent out of parenting.  In order for me to get full custody for major issues I had to go through a Change of Circumstances case.

[david]

Change of circumstances usually requires two years from the previous court order so if it hasn't been that long she probably can't do much.
I only communicate through email. It took my ex quite some time ( about two years ) to finally get I was serious about that. She used to call from various phone numbers so I stopped answering my phone unless I recognized the number. I got rid of texting for a few years. When I got it back she brought it up in a coparent counseling meeting. I simply stated that if I received a text I would delete it without opening it up. Within an hour after the meeting she texted me. I did exactly what I said I would do. She hasn't texted me since (2010). I have a video camera with me whenever I pick our son up and she knows I have it. If she comes near me I turn it on. Our state doesn't allow it so after a while I decided to turn it on and point it at myself. There is no law against that in any state I know of.
I expect nothing positive from my ex so when it happens I am pleasantly surprised. It doesn't happen often.
Extinction bursts take some serious commitment on your part to be extremely consistent in your behavior. The better you are the sooner she will change. My ex tried quite a few different ways around my boundaries. I stayed firm with most of them. I had to adjust a few. I also approach a  boundary in a way that if my ex did the same thing I would have no problem. This way the courts see it as even/fair/not sure what to call it. It isn't one sided.