I fear that I may have blown it.

[Venetian]

Hi.  My sister has BPD and I am estranged from her.   The only way that I can see my niece, whom I love dearly, is through my brother-in-law.   Now I fear that I may have blown it with him. 

(Just a quick recap:  My niece lives with my BPD sister; my brother-in-law works out of town and is only home on the occasional weekend.  I live out of town as well and only go home to visit my niece when my BIL is in town since he serves as the liasion between me and my sister.  In the beginning of summer I had a fight with my sister, so she forbade me from seeing my niece.  My sister thawed a little bit over Labor Day weekend and allowed me to see my niece briefly with my BIL.  Since Labor Day, however, my sister has not allowed my niece to contact me.)

Anyway, I was on the phone last night with my BIL today to see when I could visit possibly see my niece again.   At some point during the conversation, I told him that it was really difficult for me not to see my niece and that I was going through hell not being able to see or talk to her.  Previously, my niece and I talked/face timed/texted on a daily basis.  So to be cut off from her was like losing my soul.  And he replied something like, "Well, just try to be happy."  And I said back, "I can't believe you're being so flippant.  I am suffering."  Then he went off on me.  I think he had been drinking, because normally he doesn't lose his cool unless he's drinking.   He screamed at me for saying that he was being flippant.  And I mean he really screamed and screamed and used the f-word among other things.  And he railed on for about five minutes, which seemed like an eternity.  His anger seemed way out of proportion.  Even though I could not see him since we were on the phone, I could picture him in my mind's eye going red-faced and spewing spit as he screamed.  Once he was done, I did not yell back at him for yelling at me.  I simply said, "It's okay.  I know you're frustrated."  Then we hung up.  I was probably wrong in calling him flippant, but I just wanted to be heard and to let him know that I was suffering.  I wanted my feelings validated. 

After we hung up, I texted him and said, "It's all good.  I'm sorry you're frustrated and angry with me.  I'm glad you got it out though.  It's good to scream and yell and get it out.  I'm happy that you expressed your feelings.   It's good to be honest.  You can't be happy all the time.  It's better to be honest.  I wish peace for you.  Take care."  I know that my BIL is suffering as well, having to deal with my sister and to run interference between her and other members of the family. So by texting him, I wanted to let him know that I understood where his anger came from.

Anyway, I think I blew it with him.  He was my only access to my niece and I blew it.  And now mentally I'm going in a downward spiral thinking that I'll never see her again. 

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling yourself slip into a downward spiral.  We can only control ourselves though, not what anyone else does, and you've done all you can to smooth things, so worrying and catastrophising will not help matters for you.  Your BIL will need to cool off and reflect in his own time.  For now I'd suggest that you wait and give him space.  What can you do for yourself to prevent this spiral from worsening? Just to clarify - the BIL is the niece's father?  Are the parents together or separated?

From an outside perspective, if he only gets to see your niece on the odd weekend himself, he's probably quite upset about that and 'trying to be happy' himself.  It is possible that you struck a nerve with the depth of your distress at not seeing her (going through hell, suffering).  It's obvious you're a very caring and devoted aunt.  If he is her father (?) and has limited time with her himself, it's actually very kind of him to arrange for other family members to see her too when she's on his watch.  It sounds like you could both use some validation of your feelings and may actually be a good support system for one another through having a mutual understanding of how hard it is to be in this situation.  Perhaps this is something BIL could do with talking about.  That might be a good starting point to rebuild a r/s from when he gets back in touch.

Love and light x 

[Venetian]

Harley,
Yes, my BIL is my niece's father.  My sister and brother-in-law, although married, don't live together most of the time.  My BIL works and lives out of town M-F.  He comes home on occasional weekends and when he does, he sometimes sleeps in another house.  It's a very weird, complicated relationship, the details of which I don't want to go into now.  My BIL could come home every weekend if he wanted to, but I believe he'd rather stay away because his relationship with my sister is so contentious.  He tries to avoid my BPD sister whenever possible. 

I think you're right: I probably did strike a nerve with the depth of my distress.  As you suggested, I will wait it out and give him some space.  As for myself, I'm not sure yet what more I can do to prevent this spiral from worsening.  I go to therapy every week.  I try to keep busy, but every now and then a well of pain just bubbles up to the surface.  I think I will make a point to get out into nature more -- I find serenity there.  And I must finally come to grips with the fact that I have absolutely no control over outside circumstances and be at peace with that.

Thanks for listening.

[Harri]

Hi Venetian.  I am sorry things reached such a point with your BIL and you still are not able to have easy visits with your niece. 

And I must finally come to grips with the fact that I have absolutely no control over outside circumstances and be at peace with that.

Are you familiar with our article on Triggering and Mindfulness, and Wise Mind?  If you read this, be sure to click on READ MORE at the bottom and you will go to a thread where our membership discusses this. 

Also read about radical acceptance.  We also have a thread on this for family members Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill) :
There are three parts to radical acceptance.

~~The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.

~~The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. 

~~The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.


Wishing you peace

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you knowing that you love your niece and want to be a part of her life. You are trying to help your niece because you love her and want the best for her. Your challenge is to get along with your BIL, and not let him prevent you from seeing her. It is so painful and frustrating when you do not know how your attempts to remain in contact with your niece will be received by your BIL. Right now, you are concerned about your relationship with your BIL and how it is going to affect your seeing your niece in the future. I suggest you take a step back for now, and do everything you can to not upset your BIL, knowing that this is the most likely way to keep the door open to future visitations with your niece. It is not an even playing field when you do not have any legal rights to see your niece, and yes, it is hell on wheels to maintain contact under these circumstances. Please take heart in that the presence of a loving aunt can make all the difference in a child's life. I know I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family who maintained contact with me despite my parents constant badmouthing of them as they resented my relationships with my aunts and uncles, probably because they could provide me with the love my parents were incapable of. Keep us posted on the long road ahead.

[Learning2Thrive]

  Venetian,

It’s been a few days, how are you doing?

I hope you’ll come back and give us an update when you have a moment. Staying connected with your neice and supporting her can make all the difference in her life. If my grandmother had not stayed connected and interested in me while I was growing up, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.  One stable, loving, interested adult definitely makes a difference.

Your heart is in the right place. We can listen to your frustrations here and help support you through this so you can be supportive of your BIL and hopefully maintain access to your neice.

Sending you positive thoughts and encouragement,

L2T