How move from someone with BPD? Need Advice

[ReidAD87]

Me and my significant other have been going to therapy and the therapist has told me to read a book called walking on eggshells so I read the book and my significant other does almost 99.9% of what the book says.  We have had many altercations and simple disagreement blow up 2 things where they should never have gone.  When we're having a conversation either the answer is Black or White or I'm wrong.  My heart and my gut is telling me to move on but we have A3 year old son that he loves his mama and daddy being together and I just don't feel like I'm myself when I'm with her I feel like I got a hide so much of who I am because how it might make her feel.  

I really need help to find out how to move on and how to handle the situation going forward because I know it's not going to be easy.  Looking for guidance and help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi REIDAD87 and

the skills and tools here can definitely help stop the bleeding, and stabilize the conflict. it can be tricky and unnatural changing our responses. this video (3 minutes) is a good starting point: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.

can you tell us more about the primary sources of conflict between the two of you? what sorts of things the two of you argue about?

[ReidAD87]

What I say to my son
Who is this on Facebook
Why have you not pick my son yet
Why u didnt call me back at a certain town
Why post this Facebook.  
Why did they like your status
I'm a ass if I say no to anything
If I'm watch WNBA... im sick because I watch girls that look like men playing sports.


Blow up on me because disagree with something.
If I talk to anybody imagine flirt

If I managed to go somewhere without her it is 1000 calls and text messages during the process.  If I don't answer at a certain time or reply back then I'm doing something and I feel like I have to defend myself and I'm doing nothing wrong.  And she just makes me responsible for how she feels all the time no matter what.  I just feel like I'm avoid her 90% of the time because she drains my energy.  We have when I separate ways before and it was so hard to communicate getting my child it would frustrate me to death.  

I just filled out and watched and have to explain my every move if it doesn't make sense to her.

It's to the point where I do not look forward to spending quality time with her on her birthday holidays are everything the only time I want to do anything with her is when my son is involved. 

[once removed]

so it sounds like youre saying a lot of the problems as you perceive them are her jealousy, do i have that right?

jealousy in a relationship can be really tough. my ex was prone to jealousy too. it can feel draining, and if its deep seeded in her, its not something you can simply reassure out of her, or make "go away".

one of the first skills i learned on this board was not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). it tends to be counter intuitive... .we hear an accusation and want to explain, or defend ourselves, or justify our actions. the problem is that with a jealous person, we sound defensive and like we have something to hide, and this tends to confirm their fears.

so a good place to start might be unlearning some of these responses; with practice, it can start to yield some emotional space for us.

what do you think?

[ReidAD87]

I need to learn some of those habits or techniques but sometimes it's just so overwhelming.  It just makes me want to keep my space but to keep the tension down.

[once removed]

It just makes me want to keep my space but to keep the tension down.

its an understandable approach. its also the one i took, and it can contribute, over time, to the breakdown of a relationship.

with this article in mind, what stage would you say your marriage is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[ReidAD87]

We are at stage 3 it's like how she speaks to me.  And how she blows up over the smallest things. 
For example I was wrestling with my son on the bed and I just got done working out my clothes are sweaty she started screaming get off her sheets for my sweaty clothes and I jumped up and said okay my bad but please don't yell at me like I'm a child.   the response was well I tell a thousand times and you don't listen like.  And at that point I get called irresponsible and other names then I retaliate back with verbal abuse as well.  I used to didn't do it but when you're attacked so much for your imperfections such a small things a cup sitting on the table me not flushing the toilet or my dirty clothes sitting by the door it doesn't warn me being belittled and being blamed for her shortcomings.  Whatever personal things that I tell her when she gets mad she throws them in my face.  Over the course of time dealing with this I retaliate back the way she does to me.  Then when she's ready to say sorry and I'm not really wanting to hear it she tells me I need to get over it.  No relationship is perfect if you looking for a perfect girl then they're not out there.  Really in my heart I want her to get better but I really feel like she's not going to improve herself because she thinks this is a US problem.  I get it.  I'm 100% responsible for my 50% but a lot of times I feel as if I'm not responsible for a lot of her backlash and her insecurities. 

We go to therapy and the therapist suggests that I read walking on eggshells and the lot other things that I read tells me that the person with BPD sometimes doesn't make the change at all and this is very hard to deal with because we have a three-year-old child.  We never get along about finances because I'm the breadwinner and I work for myself and that gets thrown up in my face because I'm home a lot doing what I want to do. 

And if I tell her anything as far as me opening up about what I'm struggling with personally about my business or myself it gets thrown back in my face so there's no trust there.

After being around her mother for a while now her mother does the same thing to her and her father and I think is passed on and it is learned behavior

As a entrepreneur and somebody trying to grow I just feel like at times this relationship causes me to focus my energy on this and I don't feel like I want to do that I feel like a relationship supposed to be Aid in your life not a hindrance. 

She also tells me that she don't need to go to therapy by herself because we're in this together and I tell her you need to work on yourself and I need to work on myself in order to make us whole but she don't believe in that. 

Like I said before I'm very frustrated and I really want help on moving on but it is way harder than what I imagined because there is a child involved and because this is something that I feel like I need help with

[once removed]

And at that point I get called irresponsible and other names then I retaliate back with verbal abuse as well. 

heres the thing... .certainly you want to get on the same page with how you talk to each other, and nip the disrespect in the bud.

this is going to be a lot easier to achieve by first changing your responses. right now, that will only escalate conflict and drive the two of you further apart.

the good news is that by changing your responses, over time, you can become less affected by her, she may dial it down or at least not escalate, and ideally, she will follow your lead in how the two of you speak to each other.

it would help to look into the lessons we have here on the communication tools, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior... .its a great place to start, to defuse conflict, and reinforce the good: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

over time, as harmony builds and tension decreases, it can create the space to not only (re)build trust, but to simply enjoy each others company again. then, in times of calm, you can begin to introduce the tools for surviving confrontation and disrespect: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191
 

I think is passed on and it is learned behavior

youre probably right, and thats why its vital to change our responses. when our partners dont get the reaction they are used to, over time, they adjust how they act and treat us. it takes a while to unlearn and wont happen over night, so patience is a must. even in the most ideal conditions, there may be flare ups from time to time, but youll be much better equipped to deal with them, and minimize their impact.

does this make sense? how are things going today?