No longer lurking, husband with BPD

[dozenroads]

I've been lurking here for awhile, but finally registered and would like to introduce myself.

My husband and I have been together 23 years, married 15.  We have 3 children together.  He has always had some unique traits that I never really could understand.  Last year he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2, which explained the depressive/manic states, but not all the in between issues.  He has always been very immature, acts out in a very childish way, seems to retreat into a child state of mind.  We refer to behavior as his 'antics.'  He can have very intense rage that comes out of nowhere.  He has always blamed me for things constantly, at the same time has hated himself for as long as I can remember.  He seems to be jealous of any family and friends, never wants to be apart, feels rejected if I want alone time.

I started seeing a therapist for myself about a year ago and right away she mentioned the possibility of borderline for him.  I have spent a lot of time researching it since then and strongly identify with everything I've read here, in books and various support groups.  We also see a marriage therapist and in a session with her last week with just me she also agreed that he likely has bipolar and borderline.  

We are in a unique situation where we see 3 therapists (mine, his, and ours) at one practice.  They are able to communicate with one another, which is good since he admitted to manipulating his last 4 therapists.  He is also starting DBT classes through this practice this week.  I'm very hopeful for progress, but I know there will always be a lot of hurdles.

In doing all this research, things are starting to make sense, although I don't think everything will ever make sense, which is hard for me to grasp, as I am a very logical person.  I'm working on accepting there are some things that just won't make sense.

This disorder has brought me so much pain.  I hope I can learn to not take his blaming and hateful comments personally.  I'm finally starting to identify what splitting is and can now see it's happened a lot in our relationship.  I believe I have developed codependent traits all in a way of avoiding conflict.  I've really spent my life trying to avoid conflict, so I've ignored the many warning signs over the years and often accommodated him for a short term fix.

Now I'm trying to face the conflict and educate myself.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi!  I am so glad you decided to come out of lurker mode.  Thank you for posting.

It is great that you are both in individual therapy and seeing a MC.  Is your husband receptive to hearing feedback from his T?  Do you feel like you are making progress in terms of dealing with your own co-dependent behaviors?  It sounds like you are seeing that you can't really avoid conflict without giving up bits of yourself each time.  Have you been able to work on boundaries?

Please share more and keep reading and posting.  So many here are in a similar situation and we can all help each other. 

[dozenroads]

He is sometimes receptive to hearing feedback from the therapists.  He really fluctuates between acceptance and denial, really depends on the day.  He often wants to give up all the therapy/classes/meds and feels he could manage without any of it.  But, for now he keeps going.  

I often feel that when we're in marriage therapy we hear very different things.  For example, we've talked a lot about my need for alone time (something I crave as a mother and an introvert) is important and that he needs to work on realizing it's not rejection, it's not about him, it's about me.  Yet, at home he seems to never hear what she said, he continues to see me taking time for myself or wanting to do things alone sometimes as rejection and selfish.  So, I'm not sure how he's interpreting what his therapist tells him.  He tends to focus on how I'm the problem, the marriage is the problem, rather than himself.  One of our main issues is his belief that I should take his pain away and that if only I was giving him more attention, if only we spent more time together, if only it was all perfect, he would be happy.  

I still find that I want to avoid conflict, and rush into stop things.  It's taking a lot of time to change that instinctual thought process, as well as my instinct to be defensive.  I can do OK for awhile, but then I'll be caught off guard and engage, get defensive, and end up hurt.  The tools here look to be very helpful, so I'll keep reading all that info.

I am really working on boundaries, but of course that brings more conflict, since he does not like the boundaries.  I am really working on sticking to them though.  I'm learning to recognize when I need to step away from him, when I need to take care of me instead of him.  It really takes a lot to change the way I've interacted with him for the last 23 years, but I just keep taking it one day at a time.

Thank you for welcoming me, there seems to be a lot of good information and support here!

[Harri]

Hi again.  I'm sorry it took some time for me to get back to this thread.

He tends to focus on how I'm the problem, the marriage is the problem, rather than himself.  One of our main issues is his belief that I should take his pain away and that if only I was giving him more attention, if only we spent more time together, if only it was all perfect, he would be happy.

It is fairly common for people to look outside of themselves as the source of discomfort or pain.  It is hard to take responsibility for our stuff and if you add in BPD or BPD traits it can be even harder.  Therapy is a long term process.  I know that does not help you much in the present but as you continue your own therapy and learn better ways to communicate, things may improve.  I do not mean you are to blame when I say that though.  Often what we do naturally and what comes to mind to say is the wrong thing to say to a person with BPD. 

I am really working on boundaries, but of course that brings more conflict, since he does not like the boundaries.  I am really working on sticking to them though.  I'm learning to recognize when I need to step away from him, when I need to take care of me instead of him.  It really takes a lot to change the way I've interacted with him for the last 23 years, but I just keep taking it one day at a time.

This is excellent!  It is very important for you to stick to your boundaries and enforce them ever time no matter how he may react.  He will get upset because at first but over some (sometimes a long time) that can change.  It is not uncommon to see an increase in dysfunctional behavior when you first start implementing boundaries.  It is called an extinction burst and it is critical that you stand firm. 

One tool that may help is validation.  Now I don't mean you are being invalidating, not at all, but again, sometimes what we think is the right thing to say is the wrong thing to say to a pwBPD (person with BPD).  Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating  Also Don't JADE may be helpful.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain and when we do things, the pwBPD often feel invalidated and we can get frustrated as well.  JADE also leads to circular arguments.

Okay, I don't want to bog you down with links.  I hope these two are helpful.  If not, we have plenty more!  haha  Be sure to check out the library section of the site and also the articles on the right hand side of the page.  I find learning about the disorder helped me to depersonalize the dysfunctional behaviors and stop reacting so I could focus better on responding.  The pwBPD in my life was my mom so my situation is different but we can all learn together and help each other.

And yes, you are very welcome here!  I hope you settle in, post, ask questions, post in other threads... .just jump in.  We get it.