Really wanted a "mom" to call

[isilme]

Yesterday was kinda a mess.  H and I had our eye appointments finally to get new prescriptions.  We both ended up getting our eyes dilated, they said it would not be a big deal, but they don't have chronic migraines (thanks to mom's genetic legacy, yay).

I had been a little worried, but the doc seemed to feel my issues are really based on living in a crappy region for allergies, and that while the 3 allergy medications I can take for sinuses may help me breathe, they will make contact lenses hurt after a while.  So, no permanent damage in there, no major change to vision other than my bifocals needing to be a bit stronger on the bottom.  Yay, over 40.  But, the migraine that had been sitting on standby thanks to days of rain just exploded as I had lights shone in my eyes from all angles, and strained to see letters/numbers until the correct "1 or 2" options were set.  It was like a flashbulb that never stopped.

H goes in, and comes out and the doc asks his staff to start making an appointment for him to see a specialist in the "big" city an hour away.  I hear a phrase, "retinal neuropathy", H does not fill me in on what's wrong, so I stand there, make sure to get his contacts ordered before we leave (the main reason we'd gone) and we get in the car, in a weird technicolor, dilated pupil world, and head home.  MY head is not happy, and now I am worried, making it worse.

H has bleeding behind his right eye, this could lead to blindness, is maybe tied to his diabetes, and maybe to him losing emotional control and raising his blood pressure.  H has BPD.  When he rages, he is physically sick hours/a day later.  It literally hurts his body for him to indulge in a rage.

He dealt with it well, but that was probably partly because I was in bad shape, he DOES try when it's very evident I can't manage something.  Migraines make me emotional these days, I was scared, I ended up crying in front of him, which I avoid usually, and I was in a painful funk the rest of the night.  I wanted to try to go to bed early, but with my form of insomnia, I need to stick to a schedule or I will wake up at 4 am and never get back to sleep.  So I found a monotonous game that had low lighting and H went to soak in the bath. 

I got in the shower, finally, and let myself cry, and realized I wanted a mom, MY mom to talk to, to share my fears, to share my concerns.  I can talk to H's mom, but that's HER son.  I did not want to dump his on her, share it with her.  That's for him to do when he' feels up to it.  I'd be comforting her, not the other way around.

My mother is alive, but I have too much fear in trusting her to even talk to her, or open up to her.  I can't even go to her for comfort because she will (maybe) use it as a wedge to get that foot in the door and I can't handle that.  I feel like I am at the edge of my coping skills for all of 2018 as it is. 

I get past one issue (find out the cause of his kidney stones, we make changes, think/hope it's helping), only to have ANOTHER specialist to go see, another day off work, another set of worries about what to do now.  He's already worried he's going to lose his legs from the peripheral neuropathy.  Now he's thinking he's going to go blind.  So, I am worried.  I am tired.  My head is still messed up and I am having trouble concentrating at work.  Sorry, I come here because I kinda feel I don't have anywhere else to talk about it.  It's not so much a BPD/parenting issue, it's just me being sad because of BPD I have no family of my own to talk to when I am distressed, and I almost dumped this on friends last night but decided against it until I was in a better place.  And, the screen hurt to look at. 

[Learning2Thrive]

  isilme,

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this right now. I understand and have felt the same way more than once. These times when we are hurting and down, when we really need the compassion and comfort of a mother, ours are nowhere to be found and that’s that. It’s terribly sad and cruel and unfair stuff to add on top of all the other stuff.

I hope you can rest and be extra kind to yourself today. It stinks that we have to be our own mother... .again... .but we can choose to be a kind and compassionate mother to ourselves.

Sending you gentle hugs and sisterly love. You are so worthy of love and care.

  L2T

[isilme]

L2T,

Thank you. 

You are so worthy of love and care.

I still have a hard time with this idea.^^ 

At work, dead tired, head's still angry, but I am very lucky that I have my own office and can keep the lights low, or even sit with an ice pack on it if I have to.  At least the eye doc was willing to try another type of contact lens for me, to see if it helps my migraines better.  Being over 41 and needing bifocals now is maddening.  We'd tried the quick and dirty solution - one lens for close up, one for distance, let my brain sort it out, but maybe my brain can't, which is why it's hurting so often.  So next is to try multifocal contacts.  Going to look up videos on how that works.

[Libra]

Isilme,

I've been wanting to tear my hair out all day due to migraine.
Mine too is hereditary, though I suspect it is by and large due to psychological issues/stress as well.
Both my mother and her mother had childhood trauma in the mix as well.

I too use the shower to let my hair down. It is the place where I can let go, where I can have a good cry.
I sat on the floor of the shower this morning for at least 45 minutes. Just breathing, crying now and then.

I cannot function when my head is like this. I cannot even imagine having to regulate myself and worry about my husband as well.

It is normal for you to worry, I would too, even if I knew deep down that worrying wouldn't change anything.

Let go, even if just a little.
Breathe.
Know that we will always be here to listen.
And know that you are worthy . That you matter. 

Libra.

[Harri]

Hi.

 

Sorry, I come here because I kinda feel I don't have anywhere else to talk about it.  It's not so much a BPD/parenting issue, it's just me being sad because of BPD I have no family of my own to talk to when I am distressed, and I almost dumped this on friends last night but decided against it until I was in a better place.  And, the screen hurt to look at.

I am glad you came here.  This *is* your place to talk about stuff. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hugs to Isilme and Libra.

I'm so sorry for the headaches. I have them too and know how miserable it can be.

Rest both of you, rest in your souls.

 
Wools

[yamada]

I ring a help line. They help me better than a toxic person ever could be.

[Fie]

Isilme,

Really wanted a "mom" to call

I read you. I know how that feels. 

Please keep coming online to vent and to share your story.