LC w/ uNPD parent, texts/emails, and retaliations

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been LC with my uNPD mother for a few years. Recently, I’ve decided that I will no longer accept text and email “pokes” (eg- articles she emails with a conscious choice regarding who is listed first between me and my younger golden child sibling to emphasize who is more important in her eyes that day or “deserves” the article more, 10+ line group texts to me and same sib with updates on her health condition, a recent curious habit of randomly sending flattering old pictures of herself when she wants attention, and drama-drama-drama). I have designated a certain time of day to receive her texts and have her emails auto forwarded and read, where I can check them when I’m feeling strong.

As expected, she’s not happy about not getting immediate/fast responses to her “pokes” anymore and has been retaliating by sending more emails with my sibling listed first and really going overboard with her responses when I do reply (she just told me all about some multiple car accident that happened to hers and some other parked cars overnight, photo included, and talked badly about her friend who was more emotional about it than her). My sibling even got into the act by buying expensive tickets for an event for next Mother’s Day without even hearing a response from me (I have no plans to travel and spend Mother’s Day with her and the sibling but now I’m being manipulated into it). I think all of the punishment stems from the fact that I recently did something for myself that I very much enjoyed and made the mistake of sharing how happy I was about it with the uNPD parent. My mother has even put a “random” book in the mail now, which I’m sure will have some sort of insult or put down masked in why it’s her choice for me right now.

For anyone who has limited text/email- how do you deal with the retaliations? Does it ever get better? Should I risk my mental health by opening that book or start doing things like lying and say it got lost in the mail (same with texts/emails if I don’t want to respond).

This “constant contact” era poses a lot of risks for those of us dealing with BPD, NPD parties... .but I think finding better ways to buffer myself from and manage these little assaults is going to be vital to my recovery.

[aslowrealization]

I have been LC with my uNPD mother for a few years. Recently, I’ve decided that I will no longer accept text and email “pokes” (eg- articles she emails with a conscious choice regarding who is listed first between me and my younger golden child sibling to emphasize who is more important in her eyes that day or “deserves” the article more, 10+ line group texts to me and same sib with updates on her health condition, a recent curious habit of randomly sending flattering old pictures of herself when she wants attention, and drama-drama-drama). I have designated a certain time of day to receive her texts and have her emails auto forwarded and read, where I can check them when I’m feeling strong.

As expected, she’s not happy about not getting immediate/fast responses to her “pokes” anymore and has been retaliating by sending more emails with my sibling listed first and really going overboard with her responses when I do reply (she just told me all about some multiple car accident that happened to hers and some other parked cars overnight, photo included, and talked badly about her friend who was more emotional about it than her). My sibling even got into the act by buying expensive tickets for an event for next Mother’s Day without even hearing a response from me (I have no plans to travel and spend Mother’s Day with her and the sibling but now I’m being manipulated into it). I think all of the punishment stems from the fact that I recently did something for myself that I very much enjoyed and made the mistake of sharing how happy I was about it with the uNPD parent. My mother has even put a “random” book in the mail now, which I’m sure will have some sort of insult or put down masked in why it’s her choice for me right now.

For anyone who has limited text/email- how do you deal with the retaliations? Does it ever get better? Should I risk my mental health by opening that book or start doing things like lying and say it got lost in the mail (same with texts/emails if I don’t want to respond).

This “constant contact” era poses a lot of risks for those of us dealing with BPD, NPD parties... .but I think finding better ways to buffer myself from and manage these little assaults is going to be vital to my recovery.

[Learning2Thrive]

For anyone who has limited text/email- how do you deal with the retaliations? Does it ever get better? Should I risk my mental health by opening that book or start doing things like lying and say it got lost in the mail (same with texts/emails if I don’t want to respond).

I am currently NC, but the tool you use is the same: boundaries; whether you are in regular contact, low contact or no contact.  Boundaries are not about punishing others, they are about keeping you safe. Here is a good article that describes how to use boundaries properly:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

What kind of boundaries can you set regarding phone, text and email that will help you remain focused forward on your life instead of participating in drama?

L2T

[aslowrealization]

I am currently NC, but the tool you use is the same: boundaries; whether you are in regular contact, low contact or no contact.  Boundaries are not about punishing others, they are about keeping you safe. Here is a good article that describes how to use boundaries properly:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

What kind of boundaries can you set regarding phone, text and email that will help you remain focused forward on your life instead of participating in drama?

L2T

Thank you for the link, Learning2Thrive. When I usually think of boundaries, I think of setting up ultimatums of sorts, or certain rules? Not that they are like commandments and completely inflexible... .but I hadn't thought about how values tie into them and how important it is to centralize values when setting healthy boundaries.

The trouble I have is... .I cannot even name the value that I have that is prompting me to want to set some kind of boundary regarding text/email. Is it independence (something my uNPD has accused me of from a young age which I'm starting to question how true it actually is to my character)? Mental and emotional well-being? Peace of mind and protection from mental and emotional harm? These just feel like "life" things that I should learn to deal with rather than anything I have the right to expect. Or is this the disordered thinking talking... . 

As for the action part of it, I don't know if or how I can communicate anything directly about this to her. In fact, I did try a few years ago, and she pulled the "I'm just a concerned mother" card. From her perspective, she's just performing good "communicative parent even though we live far apart"... .given, the nature of our relationship, when these communications stay light and general (interesting article sent just to me without the whole who's listed first issue, light or funny thing just to say hi), I actually enjoy exchanging with her. This is usually the type of stuff I send her. The trouble comes when she starts using it to manipulate or play competition and comparison games, which she tends to do when she's feeling vulnerable or like she's not getting enough attention for whatever reason.

[Harri]

Hi.

As L2T said, boundaries are about protecting us.  You are not alone in mixing them up with ultimatums and rules.  A lot of people get tripped up with that.

We say boundaries are about us, but what does that mean?  It means that not only do we use them to protect us, but we are responsible for setting them and for enforcing them.  Because they are about us, we do not need to voice them to the other person.  Boundaries do not involve getting the other person to change or stop doing something, they are about us, changing what we do in response to them. 

So when you decide on a time you will read the emails/texts, that is a good boundary.  If you were to tell your mother she can only text you once a day, that would be a rule, not a boundary.  In fact you would be violating her boundaries to try to dictate what she can and can't do.  Do you see the difference?  (Put aside for now, the fact that sometimes it is perfectly fine and even the right thing to say no and/or to make a rule)

Another boundary for example, could be how you choose to look at the order of the names when she sends the emails.  Recognize she is who she is and that her behaviors are about her and have nothing to do with you.  Leave her issues for her to deal with and you take charge of how you choose to view this.  You can focus on how cruel and petty it feels or you can try to turn your mind to realizing it is her being her and you can't control that.  What you can control is how you respond and over time, you can reduce your reaction to such behaviors.

A value for the above could be something as simple as : "I will respect/take charge of my emotional space".

A lot of this will come from learning about the behaviors associated with BPD.  Not so you can help her or even understand her but rather so you can separate and stop taking things personally.  She lists your sisters name first?  Let her play her game.  It does not have to be an issue for you as it has nothing to do with you.  It may feel like it does, but feelings aren't facts.  Does that make sense?

[aslowrealization]

Thank you, Harri- yes, that makes sense. It will take some time to separate the behaviours from my own responses, but something that I am doing more and more is consciously calling emotional manipulation out (to myself) when I see it.

For instance, the book she sent arrived. Sure enough, it's manipulation. What she sent was a self-help, self-actualization book about finding your passion/center in life. You have to understand... .I spent much of my twenties in distress because I just never had this one, burning thing that I could devote my entire life to (and still don't). Guess where I got the idea that I should have a Big Passion from? You guessed it... .being mercilessly compared to my golden child younger sibling who has a particular creative talent that has been widely recognized since his teens. He's not famous or anything outside of a particular community, but to my uNPD mom, he's a genius. Eventually, I've come to accept that my life may be one of smaller joys, but it is perfectly OK not to have a singular burning passion or even ever be recognized for anything else for the rest of my life... .but she has to knock me down a peg and remind me that my small, simple life without that BIG PASSION is not good enough by sending me a book that's meant for high school or college grads, maybe people in their mid-20s at the latest. To me, this gesture basically says "I see you as a sad, directionless, incomplete human being because you don't have what other people have." Thanks, mom.

And in this book? A gift card with some money that my aunt sent her "just in case" I need to visit. In other words, guilt to induce me to be more involved with her during her illness (which I fear will give her free reign to amp up the abuse to the max). We never discussed this money or whether or not I should have it... .but I am the "poor one" in the family with the lowest income (I'm pretty sure what I earn is below even my mother's pension, since she also has money from my deceased father)... .so money is power that both uNPDs have over me to use as manipulation. But I don't have to accept or play along.

To top it off, the card contained the most painfully awkward, broken line heart, as in "<3 Mom" that I have ever seen... .I can almost feel how much it hurt her to draw it... .she doesn't usually do hearts, in fact I don't think I've ever seen her do one (she'll write out "Love" instead)... .you can't make this stuff up, folks... .

I understand that what I need to do is say "that's her game and her issue and does not say anything about me"... .but, let's just say, thank goodness I see my T very, very soon 

[Harri]

Thank you, Harri- yes, that makes sense. It will take some time to separate the behaviours from my own responses, but something that I am doing more and more is consciously calling emotional manipulation out (to myself) when I see it.

Yes, of course it will take time and it is going to be frustrating and hurt.    Keep it in the back of your mind and definitely talk with your T.

 

[Learning2Thrive]

  just popping in to let you know you are being thought of. I hope things are calming down a bit. How are you doing?

Sending you positive energy and good thoughts of encouragement.

L2T

[Turkish]

My uBPDx gifted me a self help book for Christmas two years ago. I regifted it. It was more about her than me.  Her feelings about herself.

[Learnnow]

Hello.  I am sorry that you are experiencing these difficulties in this relationship.  I just want to affirm that your tending to your own needs and the fact that your life is important.  You mention that you had recently done something that brought you enjoyment and that your life would be made of smaller joys rather than one grand passion.  I applaud that.

There is great strength and meaning in finding joy, contentment, and fulfillment in the million little meaningful and mundane parts of life.  YOUR life is a gift to you, and you get to decide how to use it and where to invest your attention. 

In this age of constant contact, I hope that this comment from another person who is working hard at this is received as encouragement rather than intrusion. 

[aslowrealization]

Thank you all for checking in. I have calmed down quite a bit, but not before a situation came to a head with my uNPD mother's illness (feel free to read more about it here if you'd like: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329589.0). T timing was very fortunate as I met with her right after the upsetting text and phone encounter I had with the uNPD that I describe in the other thread. I've also been listening to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (shout out to my local library for making healing material accessible through their digital plan ). We talked yesterday and she is no longer demanding that I fly out there for the procedure (in other words, we're sticking to the original plan). So unless the situation becomes dire, I will not be seeing her until Thanksgiving.

When I thought that I might have to fly back to be with her during the surgery... .my body tensed up, as if it were telling me that everything about this plan was wrong. It stayed this way until I had the conversation with her to confirm that I would not be flying out. The tension started to release almost immediately and yesterday I had these tiny moments of happiness... .the sort of glee I used to feel a lot from college (when I left home) through my late 20s. Just for a few seconds, but you have to understand... .I haven't felt those in years. I think calling the abuse out as abuse could lead to a major emotional and mental breakthrough (with a lot of work to come).

What you said about your uBPDx sending you a book, Turkish, hit me like a ton of bricks. She's going through something very difficult right now and is facing her mortality, perhaps even going through the whole "what did my life amount to?" reflection thing. Although she tended to seem very satisfied with herself when she talked before her illness got worse, deep down she may feel insecure about her life path and choices. She has talked about a dream that she had to let go. I have to remember that, as scapegoat child, in her eyes I'm the vessel for all her bad feelings about herself.

Learnnow, thank you for your affirming words... .they mean so much when all I get from my family for doing this thing is guilt and attempts to undermine my happiness about it. It's funny, because my GC sibling did something similar earlier this year and happened to depart for it while my uNPD mother was in the hospital. Of course, he expressed guilt about doing it while she was sick, and of course he was affirmed in his decision to do it anyway. I'd been planning mine for months and just knew that it would be something held against me... .sure enough. I don't think the GC is off the hook, though, when it comes to guilt, or FOG (the new term I learned yesterday thanks to Libra on the other thread ... .sib moved away from her for a job for the first time in his life (he's in his early 30s) and she's done everything from insisting that she could spend time in his home whenever she wants (she actually said the words "I'll play the mommy card") to trying to scapegoat him in our call by suggesting he might lose his job and end up living back with her again.

As for the "constant contact" comment, don't worry, Learnnow, I don't find these kinds of posts on forums and such intrusive... .in fact, I appreciate them very much  It's more when someone can do something that pops a notification on your phone (which, for many of us, may as well be an extra limb)... .it's almost like physical intrusion (even Facebook used to call their unsolicited contact feature a "poke"). Fortunately, there are more and more features that we can use to limit our accessibility (and I anticipate that it will become more socially acceptable, if not en vogue, to use them). Being available 24/7/365 can be harmful even for people who are not dealing with abusive relationships or disordered behavior from partners, family, work, etc.