She made contact, but not to me, my daughter

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Coastered-

I am so sorry about all of this.  I really wish I could tell you that on “x” date there would be a moment where it would all be become crystal clear, but I cannot.

I had my birthday on a Friday 10/5, and exBPDbf’s actions left me more confused than ever.

I feel compelled to reiterate how inappropriate it is for BPDgf to contact you through your D14’s phone... .and then to block her.  So yea, please do consider taking control of this situation by blocking exGF’s number and deleting it from D14’s phone.  If BPDgf opts to make any contact, her only choice should be with you directly.  Her Using your child is horribly manipulative and unfair.  Your child deserves protection.

As for the car, I don’t know UK laws.  However if she did not transfer title To you and this inaction means you canNOT insure the vehicle, then I’d return the car to her.  You don’t need to tell her ahead of time.  Perhaps simply enlist the help of friends who drive, take it to her home when you know she’s at work and leave it there.  Drop the keys somewhere safe.  Then you can send a nice email and let that be that. Sounds as if you have no choice if you cannot obtain insurance, correct?

Sometimes enough is enough.

Happy Birthday!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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[Gemsforeyes]

Great minds, Enabler!

Our thoughts crossed in mid-cyber air!

Gems

[RolandOfEld]

Dear Coastered, I'm so sorry to see how things have developed. The contact with your friends and daughter must be especially unnerving. I've had recent data breach issues all over the place with my wife recently and in the past. It can be extremely violating.

I don't have a lot of advice to add besides remembering that you will never be able to control her behaviors and that her smear campaign is probably doing more to harm her own image than yours. When I attempted to take a music class a few months ago my wife broke into our chat group and erased all my messages and posted on the school Facebook about how we would be getting a divorce. It was humiliating but I wasn't too concerned about my own image since the classmates liked me. I'm guessing it's the same with your friends. Have you explained the situation to them regarding her BPD?

Sending you strength,
Roland

[Coastered]

Thanks to everyone who posted.

She came round and signed the car over which surprised me.  She said her bit which was to blame me for everything.  Told me I needed councilling as I was unable to hold a relationship down.

She told me everything she's ever done for me, how she wasn't to blame for anything.  How I'll never find anyone better than her...

And then she was gone.

The way she spoke to me was so detached.  So devoid of emotion. that freaked me out the most.

[Enabler]

Given what she said and how she said it... .vs what you have learnt here... .How do you feel about that transaction with her?

Great news about the car. Make sure you get it insured under your own policy if possible and do the necessary switch of road tax etc

[Coastered]

Guess I need to detach still.  I worry about her but not heard anything from her.  I honestly believed she would at least reach out to me, that I meant something but looks like I've been forgotten.  Never loved.  Not bothered.

Wish sometimes I could forget so easily.

[Enabler]

Hey Coastered, keep learning here and it will help you understand the mechanics of what’s happened. I’d like to pick up on one of the things you’ve written below “never loved”, this may be of little salve to you at the moment but put her behaviour into the context of BPD and especially black and white thinking. There is not grey, just black and white. PwBPD have a capacity to rewrite history such that they match the feelings about the relationship in the present. It’s not likely that you weren’t loved during the relationship.

Have you read any of the articles on the detaching tools section?

Enabler

[Star0009]

I didn't read the whole thread but this letter is highly inappropriate and nothing should be sent directly to an underage child especially without sending it to you to give to her if fit. A simple goodbye take care if anything might have been ok but still wrong. She is a grown women contacting your child. Protect your daughter and yourself.

[Coastered]

She emailed me today basically just saying I owe her £122 for things she brought my daughter when in the relationship.

Not entirely sure what to make of that, I just hope she is ok.  It all seems so very distant, like a business transaction.

[Enabler]

Do you have the money and do you think that she should be paid the money for the things that she bought for your daughter?

Do you think she is baiting you?

Is this drama and do you want to feed the drama with a reaction... .or is a considered response better? That considered response could be as little as “okay, wired the money to you, regards Coastered”. No drama, no emotion.

Do you think she is reaching out to make a connection in an odd kinda way?

These are the questions I’d be asking myself.

Enabler