Found some anonymous messages of hers. What is this? Did she play me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

A bit of my story, I met my ex at the same time as another friend, let's call her "K". Together, the 3 of us became the best of friends. My ex knew I had a crush on her, even asked me about it but there was a big age difference, she also wasn't interested so I wasn't planning on doing anything about it.

My crush got bigger with time and it turned into love and it was sad that nothing would ever happen. As a friend, i watched her get crushes left and right on other girls and chase after the ones she liked most. There was even a time where I was chatting with K on one side while my ex was talking with another friend and she said "I'd wouldn't date Sky", that other friend said "Ouch" and then she quickly added "no offence, Sky"

I decided to let it go, put it all behind me and be the best friend I can be. I went on a long vacation and that definitely helped as it put space between us. In the meantime, she was dating a girl.

When I came back, she asked me again if I had a crush on her. I said yes but I got over it, I'm happy being friends. So we continued as friends. She told me she wasn't dating that girl anymore because the girl was poly and my ex wanted a monogamous relationship. Fair enough.

We spent a lot of time together and she started flirting with me. I fell for it and then she said she wanted to be friends. I was like ok. We spent more time together and then she flirted some more and even tried to kiss me. I put a stop to it and said I don't kiss for fun, for me it is serious so she didn't kiss me. Then she said she wanted to be friends. Then another time, she kissed me and the loop repeated and I gave her all the time she wanted until the day came and she asked me out. As you can see so much push and pull from the start itself. Later in our relationship, she got diagnosed as BPD and goes to therapy for it as well as her depression and anxiety but also got off her depression meds.

After the breakup, in my search for answers after my therapist asked me if I thought my ex really loved me, I went to check our old messages, hoping to find something, some answers. To be honest, I wasn't expecting to find any answers because I read our messages a billion times already. As fate would have it, she mentioned this space that she talks about her BPD in once and I never paid much attention to it. This time, I was curious but what are the odds of me finding her in this anonymous space? Well I did and the posts were excruciating hurtful as she accused me of abuse when she broke up with me and the new posts were full of it, calling me abusive and accusing me of everything that broke the relationship. I plowed through it as that was not what I was looking for and went to the time where she hadn't asked me out yet. And this is what I find. These are 2 posts of hers, I found the most important:

"big  is falling for someone then realising its because they are researching how to take care of me as a person with depression and anxiety oh my lord... .how much more obvious could it be that i need support... .falling for someone because they care for me."

"She (Sky) said she thinks I am going to break her heart and I'm just thinking obviously. I'm not fit for love, I'm too lonely to take another person in my arms and love them for who they are... .I can only love for what they do for me... .It's selfish o'clock like if these girls want to love me, i can't relate, i don't do advice, i don't do support, I just carry myself through the day, it's too much otherwise so if I'm selfish, how can I love someone fully. I can't, it's just me being lonely and having depression that makes me crave the dopamine."

There is another post where she talks about how her feelings for me doesn't seem right, it's not like she expected them to be, it feels forced. Like she is forcing herself

Why ask me out? She knew I had feelings for her for a whole year before. Why ask me out if it was forced? I was her best friend! Why would she do this to me? Was I just a supply of dopamine and support?

One month after the breakup, she is already crushing after someone else. As time goes, she talks about how gorgeous that person is, how easy it is to talk to them etc etc. She is already talking about how she loves them after 2 months since breakup! (We are now close to 6 months since breakup, the whole of it in NC). This person is long distance and guess what? Poly! and she is contemplating being okay with being poly and I'm like What the heck?

Can anyone make sense of this?

~ Sky

[Sky07]

Hi everyone,

A bit of my story, I met my ex at the same time as another friend, let's call her "K". Together, the 3 of us became the best of friends. My ex knew I had a crush on her, even asked me about it but there was a big age difference, she also wasn't interested so I wasn't planning on doing anything about it.

My crush got bigger with time and it turned into love and it was sad that nothing would ever happen. As a friend, i watched her get crushes left and right on other girls and chase after the ones she liked most. There was even a time where I was chatting with K on one side while my ex was talking with another friend and she said "I'd wouldn't date Sky", that other friend said "Ouch" and then she quickly added "no offence, Sky"

I decided to let it go, put it all behind me and be the best friend I can be. I went on a long vacation and that definitely helped as it put space between us. In the meantime, she was dating a girl.

When I came back, she asked me again if I had a crush on her. I said yes but I got over it, I'm happy being friends. So we continued as friends. She told me she wasn't dating that girl anymore because the girl was poly and my ex wanted a monogamous relationship. Fair enough.

We spent a lot of time together and she started flirting with me. I fell for it and then she said she wanted to be friends. I was like ok. We spent more time together and then she flirted some more and even tried to kiss me. I put a stop to it and said I don't kiss for fun, for me it is serious so she didn't kiss me. Then she said she wanted to be friends. Then another time, she kissed me and the loop repeated and I gave her all the time she wanted until the day came and she asked me out. As you can see so much push and pull from the start itself. Later in our relationship, she got diagnosed as BPD and goes to therapy for it as well as her depression and anxiety but also got off her depression meds.

After the breakup, in my search for answers after my therapist asked me if I thought my ex really loved me, I went to check our old messages, hoping to find something, some answers. To be honest, I wasn't expecting to find any answers because I read our messages a billion times already. As fate would have it, she mentioned this space that she talks about her BPD in once and I never paid much attention to it. This time, I was curious but what are the odds of me finding her in this anonymous space? Well I did and the posts were excruciating hurtful as she accused me of abuse when she broke up with me and the new posts were full of it, calling me abusive and accusing me of everything that broke the relationship. I plowed through it as that was not what I was looking for and went to the time where she hadn't asked me out yet. And this is what I find. These are 2 posts of hers, I found the most important:

"big  is falling for someone then realising its because they are researching how to take care of me as a person with depression and anxiety oh my lord... .how much more obvious could it be that i need support... .falling for someone because they care for me."

"She (Sky) said she thinks I am going to break her heart and I'm just thinking obviously. I'm not fit for love, I'm too lonely to take another person in my arms and love them for who they are... .I can only love for what they do for me... .It's selfish o'clock like if these girls want to love me, i can't relate, i don't do advice, i don't do support, I just carry myself through the day, it's too much otherwise so if I'm selfish, how can I love someone fully. I can't, it's just me being lonely and having depression that makes me crave the dopamine."

There is another post where she talks about how her feelings for me doesn't seem right, it's not like she expected them to be, it feels forced. Like she is forcing herself

Why ask me out? She knew I had feelings for her for a whole year before. Why ask me out if it was forced? I was her best friend! Why would she do this to me? Was I just a supply of dopamine and support?

One month after the breakup, she is already crushing after someone else. As time goes, she talks about how gorgeous that person is, how easy it is to talk to them etc etc. She is already talking about how she loves them after 2 months since breakup! (We are now close to 6 months since breakup, the whole of it in NC). This person is long distance and guess what? Poly! and she is contemplating being okay with being poly and I'm like What the heck?

Can anyone make sense of this?

~ Sky

[Cromwell]

Hi Sky

I can understand the confusion you are going through now.

do you think you would you call her an "impulsive" person in the time you have known her?

[1stTimer]

Hi Sky, I know this is a tough situation. Many of us have been in similar ones, especially where we either ignore red flags before or words said after that don't gibe with what we want.

I think the person who made the most sense of this is her:

"She (Sky) said she thinks I am going to break her heart and I'm just thinking obviously. I'm not fit for love, I'm too lonely to take another person in my arms and love them for who they are... .I can only love for what they do for me... .It's selfish o'clock like if these girls want to love me, i can't relate, i don't do advice, i don't do support, I just carry myself through the day, it's too much otherwise so if I'm selfish, how can I love someone fully. I can't, it's just me being lonely and having depression that makes me crave the dopamine."

That is not just a person telling you who you are that you should pay attention to. That is a person using the anonymous nature of a board to tell the world/themselves exactly who they are in as uncensored and unfiltered way as possible.

Why she asked you out if you were friends, how she can be with a Poly person now when she said to you she couldn't, and every other question you have and thing you can't make sense of is answered above. There is no need to try to figure out the inconsistencies and apparent contradications or hte lack of empathy; it is all right there for you to see.

I don't mean to sound brutal about it but since you likely can see your best bet is to move on and away since you cannot get what you want or need from her, then the best way to do that is keep that statement which is her most internal self in mind and get that that is who she is and that is all she can give or feel. It hurts like hell I get it but it is the truth and as corny as the saying is it is quite apropos here; the truth shall set you free.

[OrionLeonardo]

 It hurts like hell I get it but it is the truth and as corny as the saying is it is quite apropos here; the truth shall set you free.

I agree. We often don't want to see the truth yet it would seem like reading her words and taking them to heart would probably be best.

I, to a degree, wish I had that kind of insight into my ex. We used to have "talks" that were hours upon hours of circle talking from her and mass confusion and eventual shut down for me. Even telling her I couldn't figure out what the actual problem was didn't help. I would say as far as sorting out exactly what was going on you got the jackpot. Information straight from the horses mouth. No second guessing on your own internal dialog or repeating every word of conversations with your friends or support system on why this happened.

As painful as it was to find that, you can now use it to your advantage. Take what you learn, use that to not get into another situation like it.

I hope you find the clarity and peace you deserve 

[Sky07]

Hi everyone,

Cromwell, thanks for your reply. I didn't think of my ex as impulsive when we were together. I'm unsure of what "impulsivity" means in this particular case, would you mind elaborating?

1stTimer, it hurt. I wanted to scream in pain when I read but all I could muster was a deep mournful whine of a extremely wounded being. I cannot stop crying, it's a betrayal to a level I have never experienced before. I asked her so many times when she flirted with me if she was serious and that I wasn't looking for casual, for me it is very serious. After giving her so much time to come to a decision, I was elated she chose me... .reading this is like a pain I cannot describe... .I still love her... .so much, so so much and it kills me to read these words. It kills me... .I cry even now as I write this. I lost my partner, my relationship, my friends over all of this... .thinking it was all my fault, that I was the one solely to be blamed. Friends dropped me left, right and centre thinking the very same. I was accepting it, that it was my fault that I lost my partner, my friends, I did it all... .now I read this and i don't understand... .I cannot wrap my mind around it... .I don't understand... .Did I lose people over something that didn't exist? I just cannot seem to understand... .

OrionLeornardo, I found this weeks ago and it still resonates in my mind every time. It makes me want to print it out and show it to the friends who dropped me but I know despite knowing I can prove it is them, it would amount to nothing. I'm also not one to parade what my ex wrote, being so open and baring with their emotions to people, let alone friends who know them, Even writing this here makes me feel so so so guilty. Yet, I feel this deep want to prove my innocence to people, that I'm not the abuser that my ex paints me as, that I loved them truly and still do and I wasn't playing games or trying to control my ex. That I did everything to make it work. It's the truth yes, but the truth only I see. I feel like I was given a lifetime sentence for a crime that I didn't commit and my friends don't believe my innocence. All I have is my therapist and my long-distance best friend.

~ Sky

[Cromwell]

Hi everyone,

Cromwell, thanks for your reply. I didn't think of my ex as impulsive when we were together. I'm unsure of what "impulsivity" means in this particular case, would you mind elaborating?

impulsivity is a known hallmark of BPD traits.

Why ask me out? She knew I had feelings for her for a whole year before. Why ask me out if it was forced? I was her best friend! Why would she do this to me? Was I just a supply of dopamine and support?

There is a lot of rationalising going on to try and find a logical reason for what could very well have just been an impulsive move on her part - at that moment in time.

I draw back to my own experience, I was overjoyed when my ex decided to commit to a relationship with me, prior to that we had became very close friends. What i determined later was that it was an impulsive move on her part, based on her emotional state at the time. She had been discarded from a r/s and was looking for the best way of soothing that problem.

As opposed to having sufficient romantic interest in me. All the words were there as well as her behaviour matched up, but at the crux of it all, it was an act of impulsivity.

So I wonder if you have noticed her being an impulsive person in other walks of life; does she engage in risky behaviour, or is she cautious and takes her time before making choices?

Could her kiss and commencing a commited relationship been bourne out of impulsivity at the time? was it a choice she made without any stressors that prompted her into it. If so, I believe it would go some ways to attempting to answer why she feels it was a "forced" decision.

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi everyone,

1stTimer, it hurt. I wanted to scream in pain when I read but all I could muster was a deep mournful whine of a extremely wounded being. I cannot stop crying, it's a betrayal to a level I have never experienced before. I asked her so many times when she flirted with me if she was serious and that I wasn't looking for casual, for me it is very serious. After giving her so much time to come to a decision, I was elated she chose me... .reading this is like a pain I cannot describe... .I still love her... .so much, so so much and it kills me to read these words. It kills me... .I cry even now as I write this. I lost my partner, my relationship, my friends over all of this... .thinking it was all my fault, that I was the one solely to be blamed. Friends dropped me left, right and centre thinking the very same. I was accepting it, that it was my fault that I lost my partner, my friends, I did it all... .now I read this and i don't understand... .I cannot wrap my mind around it... .I don't understand... .Did I lose people over something that didn't exist? I just cannot seem to understand... .

OrionLeornardo, I found this weeks ago and it still resonates in my mind every time. It makes me want to print it out and show it to the friends who dropped me but I know despite knowing I can prove it is them, it would amount to nothing. I'm also not one to parade what my ex wrote, being so open and baring with their emotions to people, let alone friends who know them, Even writing this here makes me feel so so so guilty. Yet, I feel this deep want to prove my innocence to people, that I'm not the abuser that my ex paints me as, that I loved them truly and still do and I wasn't playing games or trying to control my ex. That I did everything to make it work. It's the truth yes, but the truth only I see. I feel like I was given a lifetime sentence for a crime that I didn't commit and my friends don't believe my innocence. All I have is my therapist and my long-distance best friend.

~ Sky

Sky,

I understand where you are coming from. It's horrible feeling like people are blind to the truth. I have had to accept through all of this that we can not make people see what they do not want to. I decided for me that I could no longer be blind to the things my ex had done. I had to realize that some of my "friends" were wolves in disguise. Running off to gossip with my ex about me. My ex spread vicious lies about me. I have chosen not to do the same but that is for my peace of mind. I am not that kind of person. I refuse to play the game. My true friends knew that she was lying to them. Whats even more incredible is she stopped wasting her time venting to them because she knows they know the truth. It's uncomfortable to realize that your circle of support was merely an illusion. That the people you thought you could count on want to remain in the dark about the truth. Honestly I have had to remind myself frequently is quality not quantity. My ex did similar things. Tried to tell people I was controlling and abusive. I have had to come to terms that projecting her actions onto me is her defense. I have come to appreciate my therapist who I pay to be my friend and have a safe space with. I need the insight that the people I've been surrounded by will probably never have.

I had the experience of having to go in front of a judge because my ex filed a protection order after I was already no contact with her. I completely understand feeling like this is a life sentence for there being no real evidence of guilt so to speak. The thing that frustrates me is I lost the person I thought was my best friend. I still love her. I think that hurts more than anything. I can't switch it off like its a light. And I can't help but feel that when I was told she loved me that it was a lie.

My only advice is only take responsibility for what you know you did "wrong". For me I didn't set boundaries. When I finally started to I was tossed out. I needed boundaries and I refuse to be sorry to her for enforcing them. I am sorry to myself for not doing it from the beginning. I could have avoided some things if I had. I have started to be grateful for this lesson even though it hurts beyond words most days. Pain is probably one of the most honest teachers I've ever had unfortunately.

Please try not to beat yourself up too much. We are all human. You will find other relationships, friendship and lover ones and hopefully they are healthy.

Maybe you should print it. Write letters to your ex and ex friends just to get it out. Not to send to them. I have found it infinitely helpful just to get it out of my head. Those people won't get my letters but the burden of carrying around the pent up feelings is lifted partially. I have a folder, it started with the court documents but have since added letters to people who I'd love to tell off. I keep it locked up and just knowing its there adds a little peace of mind to my days.

My heart goes out to you. Hope this helps 

[Chitchat]

Hi Sky

U ok?

I can relate to everything you say.

Chitchat

[Sky07]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

Cromwell, I believe it was impulsive. I just don't understand. From her posts, she talks about being unsure, not feeling a rush of emotion she usually feels with her crushes, not being able to feel like she would want to marry me in the future and she says all that BEFORE she asked me out. Then she posts about it even AFTER she asked me out. I don't understand why.

She is a bit risky in some sense, in how quickly she chases after her crushes, she is also reckless in her driving sometimes. It just sickens me that I was there, being patient and letting her take her time to decide what she wanted and was accepting her decisions and she said all this in the background. Not once did she stop to think that forget about me forcing myself to feel this relationship right now, how does this affect Sky? Nope. She just wanted her needs met.

It hurts like hell. It's my birthday today and I just spent it alone. For her birthday, I was away on holiday and made sure I was back in time for it. Today, it's my birthday and it's the saddest birthday I've ever had. I cry and cry and it's like I'm crying my soul out. It's like I'm literally close to crying tears of blood. It hurts so much. I miss them so much and I want to slap myself and scream "why would you miss someone who didn't give a f**k about you from even before you got into the relationship? Wake up!" Yet, I still want them back.


OrionLeonardo,

What annoys me is that I have proof, right there in those posts that she played me. You know, when she broke up with me, I asked her why and she said I was abusive. I begged her saying I would go to therapy and fix it all, I'd do anything. She didn't budge. I asked her to think about it, the whole of the relationship, the good things and she said "this whole relationship started on abuse" and I said "that's not true". I was totally confused, all I remembered was me being the most attentive girlfriend I could be at the start. I didn't get it. Now I look at the posts that were BEFORE she asked me out and I think of "this relationship started on abuse" and my brain is like What the heck,  maybe this whole relationship DID start on abuse but not from me!

I cannot believe how hurtful it must have been for you to be dragged into court. I understand you, it hurts more than anything to still love these people. We cannot switch it off like they do. Here, I am, still broken and still loving them 6 months after while they are out there already crushing on new people like I never existed. How can love just disappear like that? If I could ever ask her, she would probably say it was because I was "abusive" so she moved on but I know it is not how it works, because I look on this forum at all these people who were abused by their pwBPD and still love them because they cannot switch it off.

I write so much, OrionLeonardo. I filled an entire journal and just bought another one. The ink from my pens keep running out. The tears keep flowing from my eyes. The despair, the hurt, the pain, the anguish, the anger and the love, keep flowing onto these pages. It helps but I still feel so stuck. I go to therapy and my therapist helps as well. I still have symptoms of post traumatic stress, I get very tensed when I am outside, in case I see someone related to her, like friends or even herself. Places we went together make me feel so sad and horrible. I try to keep going on with my life, try to relax, try to go to these places and make new memories there. I am doing everything I can, yet somehow I still feel like I haven't moved at all.

I hope you are having better luck than me. Thank you for sharing with me.  

Chitchat, I'm not really ok, as you can tell from everything I wrote above. I wish you didn't relate to this painful stuff. I wish we all never suffered so much that we relate over it. It's my birthday today, friends wished me, family wished me and I keep thinking, will that warrant a message from them. Would they care enough for my birthday despite knowing that they won't. For them, I am this vile abuser. If they never saw me again, it'd be too soon.

~ Sky

[Chitchat]

  Happy birthday, Sky

[OrionLeonardo]

OrionLeonardo,

What annoys me is that I have proof, right there in those posts that she played me. You know, when she broke up with me, I asked her why and she said I was abusive. I begged her saying I would go to therapy and fix it all, I'd do anything. She didn't budge. I asked her to think about it, the whole of the relationship, the good things and she said "this whole relationship started on abuse" and I said "that's not true". I was totally confused, all I remembered was me being the most attentive girlfriend I could be at the start. I didn't get it. Now I look at the posts that were BEFORE she asked me out and I think of "this relationship started on abuse" and my brain is like What the heck,  maybe this whole relationship DID start on abuse but not from me!

I cannot believe how hurtful it must have been for you to be dragged into court. I understand you, it hurts more than anything to still love these people. We cannot switch it off like they do. Here, I am, still broken and still loving them 6 months after while they are out there already crushing on new people like I never existed. How can love just disappear like that? If I could ever ask her, she would probably say it was because I was "abusive" so she moved on but I know it is not how it works, because I look on this forum at all these people who were abused by their pwBPD and still love them because they cannot switch it off.

I write so much, OrionLeonardo. I filled an entire journal and just bought another one. The ink from my pens keep running out. The tears keep flowing from my eyes. The despair, the hurt, the pain, the anguish, the anger and the love, keep flowing onto these pages. It helps but I still feel so stuck. I go to therapy and my therapist helps as well. I still have symptoms of post traumatic stress, I get very tensed when I am outside, in case I see someone related to her, like friends or even herself. Places we went together make me feel so sad and horrible. I try to keep going on with my life, try to relax, try to go to these places and make new memories there. I am doing everything I can, yet somehow I still feel like I haven't moved at all.

I hope you are having better luck than me. Thank you for sharing with me.  

~ Sky

Sky,

My ex said similar things to me. Said I mentally abused her. My jaw hit the floor. Through counseling, I've come to realize I am not a crappy person. What she said to me was not true. And now it is changing the seemingly never ending dialog that sometimes says she is right. That I am those things. My counselor helped me identify positive aspects. We reviewed a few things and I've come to realize I have had the dialog problem even before my ex tried to say those things. I was told that I must not believe it to my core because of the evidence contrary of what my actions are. Now it is just shutting down the negative self talk when it arises. I have been reviewing a list of Positive beliefs to focus on instead. The list is extensive but here are some that might help you.
-I can heal
-There is nothing to fear
-I'm a survivor
-I am resilient
-I can handle it
-I am adequate
-I'm enough just the way I am
-I can do this
-I decide
-I am capable of handling anything
-I only take responsibilty for what is mine and I let the rest go
-I am valuable, important and worthy
~About the past
-That wasn't about me
-The past is ok
-It's over now
-I did the best I could
-I release the past while still remembering it
-I did everything I could in that situation
-I'm a survivor and thriver
-I release suffering
-I am no longer limited by my past
-I easily let go of things that no longer serve me
-I accept what I cannot change
-I have the courage to change the things I can change
-I have the wisdom to know the difference

Those are just a few but maybe writing about happier things will help ease some stress. I know its not easy to let go of such deep feelings like losing love or having to realize that it wasn't a two way street. I still feel very used by my ex. I get overwhelmed sometimes seeing or hearing about how she's out and about flirting with whoever. I do know that there are 7 Billion people on this planet and even though I wanted my person to be her, she didn't want her person to be me. I will go on now loving her from a distance. Hoping she gets the help she needs, finds a healthy relationship(that one is still stingy some days), and finds happiness. I've accepted I need to go out and do the same for me. Out of the 7 billion people I've met maybe 1% which means I have pretty good odds.

I've had to start seeing my own self worth. I have to value myself before I can expect anyone else to.

Writing about positive things makes the negative stop even if it's just while I'm writing. It makes it easier to pull back the self talk from the pit of despair and go Look, focus on something positive. It's slow going but progress is still progress at the end of the day.

I've actually flipped the script even more. So instead of Happy Birthday, Happy New Year. Make this one all you can. Heal, laugh, love and find the peace you deserve. Because this is Your new year. Another chance to learn and grow and now you're older and probably wiser ;) There is only one you and I'm sure under all that pain is an amazing person full of light and love.

Shine on Sky 

[Sky07]

Hi everyone,

Chitchat, thanks for the birthday wishes and belated happy birthday to you as well. I noticed in one of your recent posts that your birthday was recent as well.

OrionLeonardo, thank you for taking the time to respond to my posts. Your answers have helped me a lot. The list brought tears to my eyes so many times. I never expected her to call me abusive. I have shared so many secrets with her, mistakes I have done in my life because I didn't know things and she has twisted it to reinforce that I am abusive. It made me really feel that I was abusive and broke me into pieces. It is only with the help of my therapist that I am slowly learning that I am not abusive and even the mistakes that I did before were not abusive. That everything is being taken out of context by my ex to reinforce her own reality.

I have done a lot of work to be who I am today and I thought I was doing good. To have her negate it all really made me crash. I am working even harder on myself now. No matter how much I tried to get my therapist to see things the way my ex sees it, she still didn't change her stance on her opinion that I'm not abusive. She told me a lot of people would love to have a partner like me. It feels good to have her and my best friend still believe in me despite having seen so many friends drop me like I was garbage. Those are friends I have been loyal to. I've isolated myself from that side of my life, I don't want to go find out who will or won't talk to me. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with other friends who are separate from that group. Maybe it is karma for the people I have dropped in my life because of abuse accusations from other friends and my ex.

I don't know why I believe in her words, her reality so much when I can see she finds nearly everything abusive. Not only from me but anyone very close to her, her parents, her sibling etc. Like my therapist says "the good things you do are bad and the bad things you do are very bad".

I blame myself a lot for not going and finding out about BPD when she was diagnosed. I feel like if I knew more, the outcome would have been different. I would have been more careful in what I say and do. I have been angry, invalidating and what not so many times. Usually, in normal relationships, it's ok and everything goes back to normal. With her, things seems to fester. I still get the "if only" ruminations. At the end, I was really emotionally drained and tired and was getting very short tempered because she kept asking for support despite giving none. She said that maybe I should come to one of her BPD seminars with her and I said "no". I was too exhausted and resentful that all I was doing was changing for her while she didn't seem to be reciprocating in any way. She told me that the offer to go to the seminar was still on the table when I'm ready. Never got to that point, she broke up with me the next day. I still blame myself for some things. What if I had said "yes", maybe she would have still been here with me. How do you let go of mistakes like that? It spins in my brain and I just feel like it's my fault.


~ Sky

[OrionLeonardo]

Maybe all of those things would have made a difference. Maybe not. The only thing now is to keep moving forward. I completely understand being exhausted emotionally and mentally. In the beginning I would try to get my point across to my ex. At some point I gave up because I thought my head was going to spin off. I had been in shut down mode for months, hoping it was going to get better. It's funny how they say be careful what you wish for. I wanted things to get better. I didn't realize that meant losing her. I am not always ok and strong enough to admit this is for the best. At the end of the day, unhealthy is unhealthy. It was a toxic situation for both of us. I got told several times by various outsiders, "you can't pour from an empty cup". I think when people tell someone the truth will set them free it should be accompanied with even though it hurts like hell.

It's good that you are seeing some things you know now might have been helpful. Just don't dwell. Take it, learn from it, use it to continue your self realizations and use everything you learn, about yourself and others, to be more aware in the future. It's all good. I think recovery is like weight loss, everyone else sees the progress long before we see it ourselves.

 

[Sky07]

You are right Orion, maybe it would have made a difference or maybe not. The thing remains that if she wanted this relationship, she would have given me time to recuperate my energy and health (I was also very sick during that time) and be actually truthful about the offer still standing. Yet, it wasn't the case, she broke up with me the next day, calling me abusive. It's crazy that one day she is asking me for support despite her not giving me any while I'm very sick and the next day, she dumps me probably because I couldn't provide. I'm not allowed to get an "empty cup", because then, what's the use of me to her? I sometimes feel like I was a juicebox she threw aside as it got empty. I so wish she cared back then, I needed her when I got sick, I wanted her support.

I shut down too, stopped saying I love you because it used to overwhelm her when I said it too much, stop initiating things, stopped putting all my attention and affection on her because she said it was too much and guess what? I was dumped because now, it was not enough, I don't say I love you enough, I don't give her attention. Seriously, some times I knew I was disconnected and I pleaded with her to connect with me but she was just plain avoidant, she only comes when she wants to, when she needs something. Anything I could ever ask is outside of her means, she is chronically ill so she says I expect too much, she cannot do it. She needs her space, her time alone, her silent days of no communication. To me, that's not a relationship. She talks about how she has so much empathy but I believe it's all just words. Sure, she has it for others but for people close to her, she cannot be f**ked. She didn't even wait for me to get better to dump me. I had to deal with being horribly sick and heartbroken at the same time. Funny, I haven't been sick since she left. Even the docs couldn't find what was wrong with me and told me it must be stress.

Sometimes all of this makes me angry but I feel like it is wrong to be angry at someone who is mentally sick and being angry makes me feel like "yes, see? you are being abusive!" so I stuff it all down.

Thanks for your reply, Orion. I really appreciate your help (Orion is my favourite constellation   )

[OrionLeonardo]

Sometimes all of this makes me angry but I feel like it is wrong to be angry at someone who is mentally sick and being angry makes me feel like "yes, see? you are being abusive!" so I stuff it all down.

Thanks for your reply, Orion. I really appreciate your help (Orion is my favourite constellation   )

Do you recognize the other emotions other than anger? I've noticed for me it wasn't anger. More hurt, betrayal, disappointment.

Orion is my favorite as well. He is finally back in the sky where I can see. One of my favorite things about fall. 

I'm glad that my replies are helping. Logging on to here has become one of the things I look forward to. As crappy as going through all of this is, I have seen bits in everything I've read that make me feel less alone. At the end of the day, that is my hope for others here. To know they are not alone either. It's not always easy to stop or pull out of.

Namaste Sky

[Harley Quinn]

Sometimes all of this makes me angry but I feel like it is wrong to be angry at someone who is mentally sick and being angry makes me feel like "yes, see? you are being abusive!" so I stuff it all down.

It's not wrong to be angry Sky.  Whatever you're feeling is OK.  If you look at the stages of grief, you'll see that it's perfectly normal.  Allow yourself to feel what you feel.  Pushing it away doesn't help you to heal.  What we resist persists.  It can only resurface in other ways and come out with friends/family as irritation or outbursts.  Better to let it come up and let it go. 

Taken from the lessons - Healing - the big picture

Anger is often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction. Anger is a very complex part of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).  We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feelings on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison us.

Love and light x

[Sky07]

Hi Orion,

It's spring here. The sky was clear last night and I saw the Orion, I stood outside staring at it for a bit. You are right, it is not exactly anger, though I do feel angry sometimes. It is a lot of hurt, disappointment, betrayal, pain and confusion. Sometimes I want to be angry at her for pursuing me when she had so many doubts, for being with me when she felt like it wasn't a long-term commitment. Sometimes I am angry at the harsh words she wrote on her blogs, while she was sweet-talking me face to face. It doesn't feel good to go through these emotions. Thank you for your replies, it does help me feel not so alone. While I would never wish this to my worst enemy, it helps to know that other people went through the same thing, that I'm not just imagining it all and putting blame on her just because I want to absolve myself from all responsibility, that my experience is real, that my reality is real and it's a major thing for me.

Harley Quinn,

Thank you for your reply. I know that anger is one of the stages of grief but I was accused of being abusive when I expressed my anger to her. I didn't scream, I didn't yell nor shout, I just said I was angry and vented to her. Yes, my words were full of frustration and what not. Now I question everything I do, how I behave, how I talk, what words I use, it's like being enclosed in a cage and I'm just curled in a fetal position within the bars. Sometimes I go about like normal, talk like I usually do then I get hit by this wave of anxiety, and questions pop up in my heart "maybe I said it wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have said that? Maybe the person is hurt by my words? Maybe I came off as abrupt", it is so exhausting and tiring. I cannot channel my anger, because I feel like I am validating her words that I am abusive. I've always thought it is ok to be angry and show your anger at people, yes it might hurt them but it is better out there than festering inside of you, as long as you are not yelling, insulting, it is still a discussion. It also feels wrong to be angry at someone for being mentally ill. Even my therapist tried to get me to voice out my anger at her and I came out as "too polite" is what she said. Everytime I feel like i want to be angry, say f**k you, scream, it hurts me. My heart says "you love this person, you cannot say these kinds of things!" and I just let out a pitiful whine of pain. I want to scream and punch something but my body just tenses up because my brain tells me "stop! this is abusive, stop, control yourself!" and all I let out is a silent internal scream and I feel like I am punching myself internally.

~ Sky

[OrionLeonardo]

It doesn't feel good to go through these emotions. Thank you for your replies, it does help me feel not so alone. While I would never wish this to my worst enemy, it helps to know that other people went through the same thing, that I'm not just imagining it all and putting blame on her just because I want to absolve myself from all responsibility, that my experience is real, that my reality is real and it's a major thing for me.

Even my therapist tried to get me to voice out my anger at her and I came out as "too polite" is what she said. Everytime I feel like i want to be angry, say f**k you, scream, it hurts me. My heart says "you love this person, you cannot say these kinds of things!" and I just let out a pitiful whine of pain. I want to scream and punch something but my body just tenses up because my brain tells me "stop! this is abusive, stop, control yourself!" and all I let out is a silent internal scream and I feel like I am punching myself internally.

~ Sky

Sky,

You're right this doesn't feel good. My T and I talked about in the aftermath being hyper-sensitive to things. We go from this numb/angry stage to hyper analyzing everything.

Harley is amazing and just gave me awesome advice. Be patient with yourself.

Things will get easier over time. 

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Sky07! I'm sorry you were put through this and you are feeling so much pain.  I identify with much in your story.  I also was suddenly called abusive (and abusive from the very beginning) after years of her saying I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  That switch is jarring to say the least.  It leaves you wondering if they ever really saw or loved the real you.

I know it's hard to accept.  Be kind to yourself.  Keep writing!  It really does help.  I think I filled up 7-8 journals in just a couple of months. It helps to to express your emotions and it will help you to make sense of what makes no sense.

It gets better. I know it doesn't feel like it now but it does get better.  Blessings to you!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Sky,

How are you doing today?  

I'm wondering whether you would be willing to try setting aside some time every day to sit with your feelings and allow them to just be?  I can understand how you would feel uncomfortable in voicing/demonstrating feelings of anger and frustration to your T.  I think that we can allow anger to surface without having to punch anything, outwardly or internally.  (Really like the description you gave around this.)  

What your ex has said to you has found a way to stick and this can happen.  I experienced this also.  It sounds as though you are equating any anger with being bad or abusive?  

Mindfully accepting without judgement allows us to just notice how we feel - however that is - and do nothing to change it or push it away.  Neither labelling the feeling as good or bad - it just is.  Literally just noticing, feeling the sensations in our body and welcoming the feeling like a guest in our home.  Sitting with it for a while may help you to feel less connection with what others label things as, and to feel more of a connection with your body sensations, emotions and thoughts.  Have you ever tried this?

Love and light x

[Sky07]

Hi everyone,

I haven't replied to you all in a while. I've fallen into a very depressive period. I keep thinking about her already crushing over other people and it makes me feel like throwing up in my mouth. I also haven't been able to stop myself from going and reading their messages. It hurts me as she has stopped mentioning me now... .it's been 6 months already, I have been totally erased. She doesn't even write complaints about it anymore, . I'm f**king pathetic.

I was feeling really bad yesterday, I was thinking of the times she told me "I love you" and ended up looking at all messages. And there was one where she says "I love you so much, I am so happy to have you as my partner, you are so important to me" and 6 days later, asked to break up and called me abusive. All of this makes me sick in the stomach, it makes me want to throw up.

OrionLeonardo, I want it to stop. I want to stop hurting over her. Over someone that threw me aside like trash. Why, why do I still love her? She is moving on, having feelings for someone else already. Why are my feelings for her still here when her feelings have moved on? Why can't I move on too? Just as fast as her?

Educated_Guess, you say the switch is jarring. That word... .she posted after the breakup on that blog and said that when she looks at our photos, she finds my face jarring. It hurts like a knife through the heart. I'm crying just writing this right now and it tears me up everytime. Being called abusive makes me question my whole life, my whole identity. I'm having such a hard time convincing myself I am not abusive, convincing myself that it is not all my fault, that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment from her. I lost so much, so many friends, my safe spaces, my community, my confidence and belief in myself.

Harley Quinn, the description that I gave was the only way I could explain how I felt. You say what she said found a way to stick. Yes, it sticks. I told her I was hot-tempered when I was a child, getting into fights with the boys at school but I told her I would never hit my partner, it was something important to me, to not be abusive. In my teenage years, I rarely had fights, it only happened like 2 times with boys that were harassing me and my friends but as soon as I became an adult, I promised myself I would put all of that behind me. So it is something really important to me (even if I ONLY ever fought boys and protected all girls) and to have it thrown in my face like that was jarring. It must be naivety, I was concentrated on physical abuse. I never thought of emotional abuse (I'm naive) and I was blindsided by it. I was so happy that I was now a peaceful person, to call me "abusive" was an arrow to the core from the only person I opened up to. It hurts, it hurts so much. I break down everytime I build myself up. It's like she got inside me and put a bomb. Everytime I rebuild, it detonates itself and everything crumbles down again.

I used to be ok with anger, anger for me was a normal thing, even if people get to the point where they yell. As long as you don't hit someone, anger is ok. Sure, sometimes hurtful words are said when people are angry but that was ok for me, they are angry, I trusted people to not be wanting to hurt me, they are just frustrated. I believed that people are good. I expressed my anger with my ex, I told her when I was angry, that I was angry, I voiced it out, I didn't yell but I did get frustrated and my words got harsh. She called me abusive for that. For me, it wasn't. I wouldn't call someone abusive for that. To be abuse is something absolutely major. So when she called it abuse... .it killed me. That's why I now equate anger to being abusive. My scale for abuse is quite high. The fact that she called my anger and words abusive made me question whether my scale is right or it is way too high and that's why I saw none of my stuff as abusive. I'm questioning myself as you can see. I told my therapist, if I lowered my scale to that of my ex then 99% of my life would be labelled under "abusive" and my T said "why would you do that?". I don't know... .seems that the world is using that scale these days and I'm very off-scale.

I just keep crying. I try to get better, I try to focus at work, I end up tearing on the tram, on the bus, in the middle of a hike, at a cafe and I hastily wipe my tears so I don't end up embarrassing myself in public. I then get home, I stand in the shower for an hour just crying silently. I then go to my room and hole myself in there and cry, I cry my heart out. Then I go to work the next day, smile at everyone, my colleagues, go to stuff with friends, smile at them and then when I come back home, all I want to do is bury my head in my pillow and cry my life out. 

I'm sorry everyone if this post is hard to understand and all over the place. I'm just in a very bad place these days. I keep reading the forum and I see people saying how "it will not work unless they are in therapy and want to get better"... .and it hurts because my ex is diagnosed, in therapy and wants to get better and I still couldn't make it work. I try to tell myself the therapy is not enough, 10 sessions a year for BPD is not enough... .yet I feel like a failure. And I feel like as time goes by and she goes to her therapy and she gets better, she'll be able to have a loving relationship... .but it won't be with me, because I was the first one to go on the block. She got diagnosed, 1 month into our relationship. I was the guinea pig, the test round and someone else will be with her when she is recovered. It breaks my heart and I cry myself to sleep to stop thinking about it.

~ Sky

[Chitchat]

Hi Sky

Crying is no bad thing.

Cry all you can. What hurts is holding it in. You are brave, too, to come on the boards and tell people.

And you are doing well to hold everything together at work. Depression is terrible, but try to keep going. That is important.

I'm sorry to be so brief. I'll be around later... .

 
Chitchat

[OrionLeonardo]

OrionLeonardo, I want it to stop. I want to stop hurting over her. Over someone that threw me aside like trash. Why, why do I still love her? She is moving on, having feelings for someone else already. Why are my feelings for her still here when her feelings have moved on? Why can't I move on too? Just as fast as her?
 

Sky,

I understand these questions. I have similar ones. I have had to come to terms with my love for my ex being very real and very deep. I have decided that since I can't just ask her why, I will look at the evidence from our relationship. I hate to say this yet it seems to be the explanation I have come to. Her love for me was not true and deep like my love for her. It fit her ego and need to have control to convince me that it was love that she had for me. I could sit here and kick myself about my lack of boundaries leading me into the relationship because I was so desperate to believe her words.

I'm not sure what makes it so easy for them to move on. I can say it is not easy for me because it was real. I have recently come to the discovery that she was probably my soul mate. Not in the way we want soul mates. In the way that they are people who come into our lives to teach us things we need to learn about ourselves. These soul mates are not forever life mates. I became sad and hurt about this for a while. I'm not great at letting my emotions just be what they are and then letting them go.

I do know and have began to see the blessing in all this mess. I have started reaching out and doing the soul searching I have needed to for some time. I am going to use this to become stronger. Rock bottom is becoming my solid foundation on which I am rebuilding my life. All the stones being thrown at me are becoming my building blocks.

There are things that I would have never done if I hadn't gone through this relationship. Things I may have never learned, strength I probably wouldn't have found, and support that I wouldn't have known existed. I find it strange sometimes that I feel more connected to people here than people I see everyday or once a week. I find it comforting at the same time that I can come here and express what I need to on my own posts or find answers through other peoples.

I do hope you find some peace soon. That healing comes in bigger waves than the pain. 

[Educated_Guess]

Educated_Guess, you say the switch is jarring. That word... .she posted after the breakup on that blog and said that when she looks at our photos, she finds my face jarring. It hurts like a knife through the heart. I'm crying just writing this right now and it tears me up everytime. Being called abusive makes me question my whole life, my whole identity. I'm having such a hard time convincing myself I am not abusive, convincing myself that it is not all my fault, that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment from her. I lost so much, so many friends, my safe spaces, my community, my confidence and belief in myself.

Sky07, I apologize for using a word that is triggering for you.  I didn't know but I apologize all the same.   

It can be hard to pick yourself up after your sense of reality has been shattered.  This could be gaslighting which is a form of abuse. 

What can help this is to ground yourself in what is real.  I did this with journaling.  Simply write down what you did, as honestly and truthfully as you can remember.  Try to remember specific events and write them down.  Focus on what you did and said - your actual actions and words, not what she later told you that you did.  Stick to the facts.

Go back and reread it to evaluate your own actions.  Having it written down gives you something to focus on and can help you from being overwhelmed by the accusations.  If you have someone that you trust to read it with you, share it from them and ask what they think.  It's good to get an outside perspective.

Remember that people often project on to others what they repress within themselves.  This is x10 when it comes to BPD splitting.  pwBPD have a lot of self-contempt and self-hatred.  They struggle with the fear that they are all bad and will eventually be abandoned by everyone they are close to.  Unable to moderate  or manage the self-hatred, they may project their own perceived failings onto their partner.

In my case, all the things that my BPD ex said that I did not do often enough (which became the reasons she broke up with me) where things that she never did at all.  But, yet, in her view, I was the one who was bad because I didn't do them often enough.

Is it possible that what she has accused you of are her own behaviors projected onto you?  How does her own behavior, her own words, compare to what she accused you of doing?

[wendydarling]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The conversation continues   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330681.0


Have a great day.