Thought we made progress, but now I'm overwhelmed

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello all,
I have been posting for a while about my 2 SIL's and MIL who have BPD tendencies. We went NC with SIL 1 and SIL 2 for a while and MIL mostly stays to herself except around holidays. We somewhat reconciled with SIL 2, despite a few attempts she made to violate the boundaries we set up. I knew it was only a matter of time for SIL 1.

SIL 1 reached out to my H and I and asked if we could get together to talk. We met with her and honestly it was a lot of tension/drama. It went okay considering, but she lied a lot and has created a narrative that I hate her. I slowly started to break down that narrative and talked with asking for instances where I have shown I hate her, etc and she actually started to see that that is not accurate. I told her that I was hurt by the words she chose and the actions she took afterward. She seemed to understand it and we left on relatively good terms.  All in all... .a good situation.

I left feeling exhausted because it is a lot of work to diffuse the rage and to get my point across and to feel like we may have made some progress.  My fear with bringing any of them into my life is always the aftermath: we give an inch and they need a mile.

The next evening my H started getting texts from SIL 2, then I got some more the following day, then SIL 1 calls me, calls my H, texts me. Now today, my MIL called me and left a voicemail saying she just wants to check in. About a month ago, my MIL called me for the first time in over a year wanting to see how I was and wanting to show that she is trying... .her words. I am careful to not really communicate via phone calls and try to stick to texts, plus the calls seem to always be during the work day when I cannot talk on the phone.

The call today is what feels like I am being pushed a little to the overwhelmed side. It was a nice enough voicemail, its just fake. It's all pretty fake. It is feeling like a game at this point because whenever I try to be nice to one of them (firm, but nice), it seems to give them all the green light to push forward. I guess it could be worse with negativity, but I simply do not have the energy to maintain communication on this level with all three of them. I know my H understands that, but I also do think he sees this as they are "trying."

It's annoying. I think that I am handling it, but do want to make sure I maintain boundaries so I will text her back and remind her that I am at work. I guess I came on here just to hear validation that this is hard. I wonder if it will get any easier?

[Harri]

I would be annoyed too.  It is as if they all talk with each other and figure it is okay to reach out... .not realizing it is obvious and too much.  I think, in a way, they are trying, but in very ineffective and overwhelming ways.

I simply do not have the energy to maintain communication on this level with all three of them.

The good news is you don't have to respond every time or even at all.   

This is hard.  Very hard.    It can get better as you can used to how they are and put it in the appropriate context for you and get more comfortable with setting limits.  Do you think some of your feelings are because you don't feel comfortable doing that?

[Panda39]

Hi Furbaby Mom,

For me this is a place to set some boundaries. 

Maybe you check texts & messages only once or twice a day, maybe you don't respond everyday, maybe you respond every other day.  Maybe you decide to only respond to text messages and not phone calls, or maybe you just communicate through email (slow things down).  You get the idea.  Communicate as much as you want to, don't be bullied into more.  Without boundaries they will take not just an inch but miles.

You are being bombarded with communication and they are using this so you will prove you care about them (FOG) Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  You've got nothing to prove... .trying to prove to them that you care by responding to this bombardment is to me a form of JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  When we JADE we join in the drama.  Consistent boundaries around your communication is for you and your sanity, this isn't about punishing them.   When they say "jump" you don't have to say "how high".

Will they like it if you limit contact to something reasonable (for the rest of us anyway) probably not, and they might escalate the FOG (trying to boundary bust) before they get better, but if you are consistent then they will learn the communication bombardment is not working. (This doesn't mean that they won't test that boundary every so often)

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for your validation.

In reading the responses and waking up in a new day, I have to ask myself a question that I think Harri alluded to: what is it that is eliciting emotions if I do feel like I am handling it?

It all comes from past encounters with them. If I don't respond, it got back to my H but only as a way of trying to make him feel like they tried. If a fight blew up, they would have the two times ready that I didn't respond and would show him and paint me as the bad guy who didn't respond when they tried so hard. After a few times of that happening along with their constant badgering in the past, my H started to believe them that I wasn't trying or that I could try harder. This tactic started to create cracks in the foundation between my H and I that we have actively worked to fix.

Another piece of my emotional reaction comes from feeling like we are all just pawns in their games. Possibly, this is irrational, but it is how I feel sometimes. Every move is calculated for them and they don't seem to understand that my H WANTS a relationship with them... .but that this isn't how you behave in relationships. He is grasping at straws with some version of proof that they truly care and maybe this is how they show that they care, or maybe this is really them trying. It is hard to believe that when we went almost a year with SIL 1, and over a year with SIL 2 of NC where they didn't attempt to reach out to us. I don't see the caring then. I see my H desperate for normalcy and I see them hungry for attention which seems to make the perfect recipe.  It pisses me off. It makes me sad. It makes me want to try for him because I know how badly he wants it to work and how I am being portrayed as the one with the issues with all of them.

Honestly, my position sucks. My MIL... .not the one I have referenced here who is my H's mother, but my H's stepmother... .is the only other person who knows EXACTLY how I feel because she has been in this position too. We both "stole" the men away and anything that goes wrong is inevitably our faults. She called me this morning saying that after almost 1 and 1/2 years of no communication with SIL 1, she called my FIL last night wanting to talk. He postponed it to today because he couldn't talk on the train. She feels upset and ambushed and unsure of what comes next and I completely understand that feeling. It all just feels like a roller coaster ride that at times you really want to get off.

[Harri]

Hi again.  You are in a very difficult position and one that several people here have had to navigate as their spouse tries to come to terms with family dysfunction and changing their role in the whole mess.

Are you familiar with the the Karpman Drama Triangle?  The title is actually Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle and this model is quite useful at understanding what is going on with your SILs, MIL and husband.  it is something that your husband grew up with so he is going to struggle with seeing the reality of what is going on and he is going to struggle with ending his part in it.  It is good that you both are already working on being united in how you approach them. 

When your SILs call your brother to offer them 'proof' that they are trying and you are not, they are trying to triangulate your husband in an unhealthy way (as I am sure you know).  Read this article and make sure you read at the bottom where you learn to move to the center of the triangle.  You might want to share this with your husband too.

[Learning2Thrive]

  Furbaby Mom,

How are you doing? Are things calming down?

  L2T

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for your responses.  This group continually offers me support and for that I am grateful.

Communication has seemed to have slowed down on our end. This is pretty typical in their pattern.  SIL 2 did comment on my work page recently, which is a small boundary violation, but in general it seems to be pretty quiet. My guess is that right now, everyone feels okay.

I was informed that SIL 1 did reach out to her father (my FIL) and is going to meet with him in person. He has requested that her BF not come along which supposedly she agreed to. I guess we will see what comes of that. I don't think she is going to get what she wants which is an invitation to the holidays which will probably send her on a spiral, but that doesn't involve me so I am staying out of it. 

That rollercoaster continues and my guess would be that we will hear from someone this week.  Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend and in the past, it has been a time of some drama. I think the attention others get does not sit well with my in-laws.

I feel drained... .to be honest.  Even as I write this, it makes me sad to think how draining these relationships are.  I will definitely be reading about the triangle.  Thank you again for your support!

[Harri]

Thanks for the update!  I am glad things are more quiet for you.

I don't think she is going to get what she wants which is an invitation to the holidays which will probably send her on a spiral, but that doesn't involve me so I am staying out of it. 

Yes!  Definitely stay out of it. 

That rollercoaster continues and my guess would be that we will hear from someone this week.  Our two year wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend and in the past, it has been a time of some drama. I think the attention others get does not sit well with my in-laws.

Early happy anniversary!  I hope that any celebration stays focused on you and your husband.  What are your plans?  Is it a family get together or a more private celebration between you and your husband?

I would love to hear your comments about the drama triangle.  It can truly be life changing!  Sounds so cliche but really... .it can!

[zachira]

Having three family members with BPD tendencies is really hard to handle and you are wondering do things get easier. The only immediate family members I have are my mother and two siblings who have BPD. My mother and sister also have NPD. I would say after dealing with these people my whole life that things get easier and things get harder with time. What has gotten easier for me, is I am less overwhelmed by their bad behaviors and do not take things as personally as I used to. What is harder is that my family members are fighting me tooth and nail over the changes in my relationships with them, the boundaries I have set, and what will never change is the unpredictability of when they are going to start raging and ruthlessly blame others, mainly me, for all their uncomfortable feelings. There are many materials on this site that can help you to learn to set better boundaries so you will over time be less triggered by some of your family members with BPD traits. There are many people who post on this Board who are kind, caring, and supportive who will respond to your posts and share their challenges and successes with their BPD family members. I have felt very supported by regularly posting here as people in the outside world really do not know much about BPD. Keep us posted on how  you are doing and let us know how to best respond.