still ruminating over a year later...

[talking rose]

Hi everyone.
It's been a while since I posted.
I am feeling so down.  I don't know how to move forward from here.
I am separated from my BPD husband for over a year.  We are almost done with divorce proceedings.  We have kids together.
I am feeling so depressed.
I can't detach from him mentally.  Or emotionally, I don't know.
I know in my head that I am lucky to be free of him, lucky to have escaped a lifetime of abuse.  But I don't feel lucky.  Instead, I keep ruminating on the relationship and where things went wrong.
I keep thinking this isn't fair.  It isn't fair to be alone at this point in my life.  It isn't fair to be in debt. It isn't fair to have to send my kids to him to be emotionally abused there.  It isn't fair that he has BPD.
My mind keeps telling me that he was the love of my life.  We got married young and lived almost two decades together.  It isn't fair that I lost that.
And on the flip side it isn't fair that he turned on me.  That one day I was the love of his life, and the next day I was the enemy trying to destroy his life.  That one day I was his biggest inspiration, and the next day I was pushing him to want to kill himself.  It's all just not fair.
It's not fair that he left me with a smear campaign that destroyed so many other relationships in my life.  It's not fair that people believe his lies about me.  It's not fair that I can't even defend myself.
It's not fair that I am so depressed, sitting at home crying over our broken marriage, over the death of all my hopes and dreams, after I gave everything to "us."
It's all just not fair.
How can I move past this emotional pain?

[OrionLeonardo]

Hey talking rose,

 I'm sorry that you are still struggling. I can't imagine what you are going through. I do know that each of us has our own journey of processing to go through. This forum has many useful articles for information purposes. Maybe reading the five stages of detachment could help. For me I have been seeing a counselor and I went to a reiki session to help with some pent up energy that I was holding on to. They have both helped although the reiki by far exceeded what I could have ever hoped for. I've seen others talk about groups like Alanon.

I hope you find what works for you. I'm sure having kids with your ex is stressful but if you can show them how to cope and process it will become a skill set all of you will probably find useful in the future.

 

[spero]

Hi talking rose 

How are you keeping? I'm sorry that you are feeling depressed and emotionally drained. Things seem to be in a very difficult spot for you, with many stuff to juggle at the moment with the divorce proceedings, children, debt.

I know its difficult and its normal to be thinking about why things went wrong. I've told this to many of our members before that everyone enters into a relationship with hopes, dreams and a better life. Some perhaps seek "something" to fill that missing part of them.

I'm sorry his behaviour isn't making sense, and you've probably understood that these metioned behaviours are possibly pronounced symptoms of BP. I'm sorry you're feeling heart broken.

How can I move past this emotional pain?

I suppose talking rose, one important thing would be to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. There is a phrase "the only way out is through". I've personally hit the one year mark myself and am in active therapy. Therapy has helped me navigate through it and not away from it. So, that is one way of seeking help. I suppose that itself is a safe place, which someone would be neutral in listening and helping you process your experience and perhaps trauma. I'm not saying that is the best approach, but are you covered by your national insurance to see a psychologist? Not a counsellor but in specific, a therapist.

Yours,
Spero

[Lucky Jim]

I suppose talking rose, one important thing would be to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now.

Hey talking rose, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling to make sense of your post-BPD world.  I agree with Spero, above.  Rather than focus on the unfairness, perhaps you could allow yourself to miss the good aspects of your former life.  In other words, it might help if you give yourself permission to grieve all the things you've lost.  Yes, let's agree it's unfair.  Now, where do you go from here?  Presumably there are different ways in which you can move beyond the unfairness.

LuckyJim

[Mindfried]

It sucks sister. It is very painful. It takes time and some days are worse than others. Just when you think you are done you get sucked back in somehow. Pray, listen to inspirational speakers, keep moving forward knowing that better days are ahead. Each day brings you one day further down the line from him. This life house song says it all.


If shame had a face
I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me
If I said I am tired of this
How here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
I never thought I'd end up here
I never thought Id be standing where I am
I guess a kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess
I was wrong now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this
Sick cycle carousel,
This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
So will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
When will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel

[talking rose]

Thank you for all your responses.
I thought I grieved for the marriage already, for all my hopes and dreams shattered.  But it keeps coming back again, knocking me down.
I am in therapy, and it helps a lot.  And I have a couple of friends I reach out to when I'm feeling really down, so I don't feel as isolated and alone as I did in the beginning.  But somehow, no matter what, I always come back to the ruminating, to wondering how things could have turned out differently, to resisting the urge to call him (luckily I have been successful at resisting!)
Ugh.  I wish I never met him.  He ruined my life, and the best I can hope for now is to reduce the amount of time and effort I spend ruminating over all the years together... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, talking rose,  I wonder whether it might help you to write down your ruminations in a journal?  Somehow putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, seems to bring relief because it gets the thoughts out of your head and onto the paper or computer.  It's a way of externalizing an internal process, which might allow you to look at your thoughts in an objective, and more mindful, way.  Worth a try!

LJ

[spero]

Thank you for all your responses.
I thought I grieved for the marriage already, for all my hopes and dreams shattered.  But it keeps coming back again, knocking me down.
I am in therapy, and it helps a lot.  And I have a couple of friends I reach out to when I'm feeling really down, so I don't feel as isolated and alone as I did in the beginning.  But somehow, no matter what, I always come back to the ruminating, to wondering how things could have turned out differently, to resisting the urge to call him (luckily I have been successful at resisting!)
Ugh.  I wish I never met him.  He ruined my life, and the best I can hope for now is to reduce the amount of time and effort I spend ruminating over all the years together... .

Hi talking rose, i'm sorry that its been tough and its just hard as those feelings keep coming back and you've feel like you're down again.
I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy. It has certainly helped me too. But you know, on the flipside, each time you've been knocked down, you've got up haven't you?
So i'd like to just encourage you to hang in there.

We all ruminate, we all do, some people more, some people less, its really perhaps i say somewhere deep inside in each of us a very primitive need to be filled. And that this dream which had represented a hopeful future, something one thinks we've finally found suddenly comes crashing down. It affects our being. Please do beat yourself up too much and know that each person's journey of recovery is different. Where do you think you are at right now? Its a question that you ask yourself as you feel yourself now.

Yours,
Spero