The Learning Pays Off

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted recently in 'Detaching' (after a several week absence) about how  Time and Distance https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329474.0 helped me move on from a 'pwBPD' situation and I'd ended up in a new good but likely temporary one. My point was really not that I used a new relationship to get over another one, but that by getting myself into a more centered place and back to myself I just sort of ended up attracting the 'right' kind of woman again (it had been a long time since I pursued or was pursued by women and pwBPD was sort of my re-entry error).

Anyway I guess my distance wasn't as distance as I thought as I had a small trigger on it yesterday. After telling me she was here for another month and how happy she was to have another month with me (and reiterating/asking if this is 'serious' and she wanted to be my gf not be with a player) she cancelled a couple of dates in a row and went radio silent for a day or so. When I followed up she said she had a cold and then cancelled a big dinner we had this Friday and said 'we can see each other next Monday or Tuesday'. No reason to get concerned in the past, but it was eerily reminiscent of exBPD (pushed hard for commitment, moment I did she ran). So I triggered. Not ON her. But to myself.

Drafted replies, figured what I'd do if she posted pictures from this weekend when she was supposed to be sick etc. I caught myself though. Partially from having not been like this before last Xperience (hey can I copyright that?) but also from this board as I'd noticed (er other people had I mean) a tendency to react quickly to triggers without taking a deep breath and some time to figure out what was going on. Often my first gut was good but that didn't change even the fact that when it was my response was not.

Anyway, given the fact that a) she never exhibited anything remotely like selfishness, inconsistency, faithelessness, etc and b) she was a different person than xpwBPD and c) we had significant cultural and language barriers/differences and d) I actually LIKE her unlike X I just ... .released the valve and went about my business and figured it would just shape up like it should. She texted the next am and we had a chat exchange about her not feeling well and dinner and it was surreal because even with translation it is clear the differences in language (tenses, prepositions) make sentences mean a whole different thing to her than me. For instance "Wait for me to be sick? I am well now, when I am sick again you can cook for my neighbors". Well this turns out to me "Wait for me to be well. I am not right now but when I am we can have dinner with my neighbors and no you don't have to cook" (which is the event that was cancelled).

I'm glad I did this for a number of reasons. #1 I really like her as a person and she deserved every benefit of the doubt and #2 realized she had just extended another month on her last week so likely had prior plans that had nothing to do with me and #3 I don't want to have adopted this jealousy/lack of trust trigger because of one person, she can keep that s***.

I've said this in other threads but I've developed an image to get through things like this (I may not have invented it but it occurred to me independently and it works); I picture whatever. thing I get obsessed with buying, the surety I'm being bull___ted, the... .whatever... .as a big wave coming in to shore and instead of fighting it or getting swamped by it I just... .jump... .and it passes right through me and past me and is gone. I did that in this case conciously and I found it very helpful.

Just thought I'd report back on the "Learning after a Failed Relationship" since it had nothing to do WITH the last one except what I learned and am taking with me to make new ones better. Which I assume is the point of this board

[1stTimer]

I posted recently in 'Detaching' (after a several week absence) about how  Time and Distance https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329474.0 helped me move on from a 'pwBPD' situation and I'd ended up in a new good but likely temporary one. My point was really not that I used a new relationship to get over another one, but that by getting myself into a more centered place and back to myself I just sort of ended up attracting the 'right' kind of woman again (it had been a long time since I pursued or was pursued by women and pwBPD was sort of my re-entry error).

Anyway I guess my distance wasn't as distance as I thought as I had a small trigger on it yesterday. After telling me she was here for another month and how happy she was to have another month with me (and reiterating/asking if this is 'serious' and she wanted to be my gf not be with a player) she cancelled a couple of dates in a row and went radio silent for a day or so. When I followed up she said she had a cold and then cancelled a big dinner we had this Friday and said 'we can see each other next Monday or Tuesday'. No reason to get concerned in the past, but it was eerily reminiscent of exBPD (pushed hard for commitment, moment I did she ran). So I triggered. Not ON her. But to myself.

Drafted replies, figured what I'd do if she posted pictures from this weekend when she was supposed to be sick etc. I caught myself though. Partially from having not been like this before last Xperience (hey can I copyright that?) but also from this board as I'd noticed (er other people had I mean) a tendency to react quickly to triggers without taking a deep breath and some time to figure out what was going on. Often my first gut was good but that didn't change even the fact that when it was my response was not.

Anyway, given the fact that a) she never exhibited anything remotely like selfishness, inconsistency, faithelessness, etc and b) she was a different person than xpwBPD and c) we had significant cultural and language barriers/differences and d) I actually LIKE her unlike X I just ... .released the valve and went about my business and figured it would just shape up like it should. She texted the next am and we had a chat exchange about her not feeling well and dinner and it was surreal because even with translation it is clear the differences in language (tenses, prepositions) make sentences mean a whole different thing to her than me. For instance "Wait for me to be sick? I am well now, when I am sick again you can cook for my neighbors". Well this turns out to me "Wait for me to be well. I am not right now but when I am we can have dinner with my neighbors and no you don't have to cook" (which is the event that was cancelled).

I'm glad I did this for a number of reasons. #1 I really like her as a person and she deserved every benefit of the doubt and #2 realized she had just extended another month on her last week so likely had prior plans that had nothing to do with me and #3 I don't want to have adopted this jealousy/lack of trust trigger because of one person, she can keep that s***.

I've said this in other threads but I've developed an image to get through things like this (I may not have invented it but it occurred to me independently and it works); I picture whatever. thing I get obsessed with buying, the surety I'm being bull___ted, the... .whatever... .as a big wave coming in to shore and instead of fighting it or getting swamped by it I just... .jump... .and it passes right through me and past me and is gone. I did that in this case conciously and I found it very helpful.

Just thought I'd report back on the "Learning after a Failed Relationship" since it had nothing to do WITH the last one except what I learned and am taking with me to make new ones better. Which I assume is the point of this board

[once removed]

so things have smoothed out?

she got sick, cancelled dates, you got nervous/jumpy but didnt act on it, shes better now, do i have that right?

[1stTimer]

so things have smoothed out?

she got sick, cancelled dates, you got nervous/jumpy but didnt act on it, shes better now, do i have that right?

I don't know if the getting sick was related to the canceled dates last week or not it was all sort of a jumble. She is still under the weather she says but when she feels better wants to do the dinner we cancelled (and I don't have to cook). Clearly it could be anything still (she is backing off, another guy, is realizing it is unlikely we can continue when she flies 7,500 miles away and won't be back for 6 months) but basically, my point is I'm not triggered/triggering and just keeping my eyes, mind and heart open.  This isn't floatsam I'm grabbing on to this time  it is a pretty girl around the bonfire at the beach. There might be something in the dawn or there might not. I'm ok either way.

[Skip]

In DBT, this is covered in two skill sets; mindfulness, and emotional regulation.

We talk about the concept of mindfulness here as WiseMind:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop, from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" - having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - in resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrust, intolerance, confrontational, defeat... .

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.



We have this simple exercise:

1. Notice it: The critic churns out its judgments, and if we are operating on automatic-pilot, we swallow them, hook, line and sinker. However in mindfulness mode, we are able to step back and notice our thoughts; to see that they are words or sounds in our heads. This immediately gives us a little bit of separation from those thoughts.

2. Name it: We can increase defusion from the critic by naming it. We might say to ourselves: ‘Aha! The inner critic is at it again’, or ‘Aha! There’s the Not Good Enough story’. Or we might silently label these thought processes with a single word, such as ‘Judging’, ‘Criticising’, or ‘Comparing’. We can even give it a nickname: ‘There goes Black Bob again’, or ‘Aha! Here’s Captain Critical’.

3. Neutralize it: We can increase the degree of defusion still further by taking those critical thoughts and putting them into a new context where they are ‘neutral’—nothing more or less than words and sounds, rather than messages loaded with personal relevance.

Can you express your experience in these terms. It helps to strengthen the skill.

[1stTimer]

I will say one thing about being on this board I realize I need to 'unlearn' or learn to not internalize; there are so many stories about women who said all the right things and turn out to have been damaged and/or consummate liars (due to either their BPD or something else). I've always trusted women and the women I'm with.  But now when I meet a woman like the one now who says she just got divorced a year ago, has had a lot of suitors but I am the first man she really liked and slept with, whereas before I would have take that as gospel, a part of me whispers I read this here on bpdfamily a dozen times and that woman had multiple lovers at the same time, was married, etc.

I guess it is good to have had my eyes opened to the possible realities but I also prefer being trusting unless there is a reason not to. So while it is good to have my eyes open for behaviors that might indicate BPD-like qualities, (love bombing, moving to fast, sharing of bad past experiences too fast, stories of men who mistreated her, etc) I think it is also good to keep that pure heart and trust in my judgment of the women I choose. Otherwise I'm going to question every GOOD thing that happens to me and look at it all through a jaundiced eye. And I don't want to live or love like that.

This woman invited me to come visit her when she goes home and in fact (knowing I am still struggling to launch my business) offered to pay all my expenses and have me live with her. Her friends all tell me when they translate for her when we are together she loves the way I treat her and respect her and take care of her always. They also ask me if I am "serious" about her and let me know as well there are many men who like her but she chose me. I can see her appeal clearly; she is quite pretty, dresses in glamorous and beautiful clothing, is gracious and graceful and feminine and petite and succcessful. So instead of extrapolating the bad stories I've read here I'm going to include the signs and flags that those stories included with them so instead of developing mistrust i just develop a keen eye for flags and/or the commitment to pay attention to them. When there are no flags I'm just going to 'love like I've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching'

[1stTimer]

In DBT, this is covered in two skill sets; mindfulness, and emotional regulation.

... .

Can you express your experience in these terms. It helps to strengthen the skill.

That is interesting Skip, I guess my 'wave' thing is a visual way of doing this. But I do like the discrete exercise above, I can try that exercise with this experience. Do you mean to try to re-express it here in this thread once I do or just in general for myself?

Sound and fury signifying nothing huh? ;)

[Skip]

Do you mean to try to re-express it here in this thread once I do or just in general for myself?

Yes. Break it down. Use it as a way to hone your reactions.

When you re upset, its good to have this knowledge on-board.

[1stTimer]

Yes. Break it down. Use it as a way to hone your reactions.

When you re upset, its good to have this knowledge on-board.

Well, to start with I think the first step "Notice It" is about as critical as it gets since I did not before. By which I mean noticing I'm triggering to a behavior I don't control well. I dont' even mean for this specific (and new) reaction but in general just noticing that I do trigger like this.

So for now in terms of naming that, vs naming this specific reaction I had, I'll call that generically 'Getting on my High Horse' since that seems to be the common feel that starts this cycle.

My neutralizing it was always the 'jump with the wave' but perhaps in this type of case I'll visualize getting off the horse and either slapping it's ass to get it going on it's way or feeding it sugar since it is just a stubborn old animal nothing more.

In this specific case as soon as I noticed the dialogue that was condemning and accusatory and involved dialogues that never happened I'd realize I had climbed on The High Horse.

And disengaging was as simple as realizing it and getting off.

I don't have specific name for this type of reaction (not trusting, being played) since it is new but I'm assuming it is not an ingrained one so a couple times getting off the High Horse should for, at least this behavior, mean I won't get on The High Horse in these situations moving forward any more than I used to.

[Skip]

So for now in terms of naming that, vs naming this specific reaction I had, I'll call that generically 'Getting on my High Horse' since that seems to be the common feel that starts this cycle. 

Instead of using a broad, generic name, I would start to inventory and catalog these things. The more precise (without being to macro) the better. Naming it is about understanding it.

Why did you react so much to her feeling ill. Insecure attachment. Clear Simple. 

You already named it earlier. Something like "reaction based on experience with ex". That is not-so-helpful name. Why? It normalizes and justifies.

See.

So try this on something else - say when you react to someone here who does not aggree with you. "High horse" is a not-so-helpful name (idiom).  It says moral superiority. It normalizes and justifies.  The reaction is not about moral superiority - what is it about?

What is a meaningful name of something that needs correcting?

This is what naming is all about.

[1stTimer]

Instead of using a broad, generic name, I would start to inventory and catalog these things. The more precise (without being to macro) the better. Naming it is about understanding it.

Why did you react so much to her feeling ill. Insecure attachment. Clear Simple. 

You already named it earlier. Something like "reaction based on experience with ex". That is not-so-helpful name. Why? It normalizes and justifies.

See.

So try this on something else - say when you react to someone here who does not aggree with you. "High horse" is a not-so-helpful name (idiom).  It says moral superiority. It normalizes and justifies.  The reaction is not about moral superiority - what is it about?

What is a meaningful name of something that needs correcting?

This is what naming is all about.

Hmm I get 'inventory and catalog but I don't get how 'High Horse' or "reaction based on experience with ex" normalize or justify? Vs 'Insecure Attachment" (which by the way is a term that wouldn't mean much to me). Are you saying basically it is important to find a name that describes the feeling/fear/issue specifically?  For instance instead of Insecure Attachment (which I guess I could use now but meant nothing to me prior) say 'Lack of Trust'? Or vs High Horse which simply names how I am acting say 'Fear of being Wrong' or whatever other feeling I dig down and think might be what is causing the reaction?

[1stTimer]

You already named it earlier. Something like "reaction based on experience with ex". That is not-so-helpful name. Why? It normalizes and justifies.

By "justifies" do you mean that it presumes that my ex did something wrong and my reaction was valid or caused by something and I'm naming my reaction is ... .justifiable? Verus just getting at and naming the root fear/feeling independent of externals? Just trying to get clear here Skip on this technique.

[Skip]

For instance instead of Insecure Attachment (which I guess I could use now but meant nothing to me prior) say 'Lack of Trust'? Or vs High Horse which simply names how I am acting say 'Fear of being Wrong' or whatever other feeling I dig down and think might be what is causing the reaction?

You should pick the most rehabilitating words... .

"Insecure Attachment" vs "Lack of Trust"

Lack of trust is, in many ways, more about other people. Insecure attachment is about you. It is multifaceted and well documented in the literature. You can read about it over time and learn and grow. There were signs of this in you last relationship, as well as this one.

"High Horse" vs "Fear of being Wrong"

"Fear of being wrong" is better. Is there more? Could it be "Fragile sense of self from deep wounds" - I get defensive because alternative points or view feel like puts downs.

[1stTimer]

Lack of trust is, in many ways, more about other people. Insecure attachment is about you. It is multifaceted and well documented in the literature. You can read about it over time and learn and grow. There were signs of this in you last relationship, as well as this one.

That makes sense (making the term about yourself). At the risk of a 'you need to take time with other opinions' reply since we've discussed this other relationship for a long while, Insecure Attachment was decidedly not MY issue in that relationship and whatever I am feeling or felt in this new one is in fact related to that one. So whatever feelings it brought up or triggered aren't reflective or related to why the last one didn't work or 'issues' that came up then. Honestly, I had no issues other than I was really not interested and got sucked in due to self-imposed loneliness. But I didn't have insecurity or insecure attachment. More likely feelings of betrayal were triggered at the end. In any event, they are two different issues so I do need to see what commonality if any is between them but my gut, and I'll look at this further, is they are two entirely different issues. In both cases for instance, what pissed me off/hurt me/triggered me was someone pushing for me to give deeply of myself and then when they got it rejecting it. Very different than giving of yourself voluntarily and being rejected. I'll turn it over a few times to see what is getting to me. This time for instance the 'similarity' is in new girls push for htis to be 'serious' from the outset, confirm I am her GF to her face, in front of friends, push for me to visit and live with her in China, express excitement to be spending a month more with me and then (seemingly) rejecting any overtures when I acted like BF and made plans etc.

"High Horse" vs "Fear of being Wrong"

"Fear of being wrong" is better. Is there more? Could it be "Fragile sense of self from deep wounds" - I get defensive because alternative points or view feel like puts downs.

[/quote]
Again, no but nice try, but I'll turn this over too. I don't feel like they are put downs. I feel like perhaps they are not listening to me. Again I'll turn this over too because as you say, correctly naming/identifying what MY issue is is important.

Notice btw on new girl; I'm simply past being reactive/upset. It doesn't mean my eyes aren't open becaue the behavior is somewhat strange. I'm simply making sure I don't DECIDE what it means and why and reacting to it based on that and seeing what plays out so I can react to that instead.

[1stTimer]

Lack of trust is, in many ways, more about other people. Insecure attachment is about you. It is multifaceted and well documented in the literature. You can read about it over time and learn and grow. There were signs of this in you last relationship, as well as this one.

BTW not rejecting 'Insecure Attachment' out of hand based on the phrase. I did read this pretty carefully:

https://exploringyourmind.com/insecure-attachment-3-different-types/

and it neither applies to my last relationship or prior ones. If anything I seem to have TooSecure Attachement, I never expect it to go wrong or be left :|

[Skip]

Try this:
www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

[1stTimer]

Try this:
www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

It says I am a dangerous raging psychopath with huge narcissistic tendencies and severe insecure attachment issues. It asked me to wait while it sent a SWAT Team to my GPS location. Thanks Skip :|

Seriously, I took it and my only real issue was I indicated my relationship with 'XL' was a committed romantic one which, by our agreement it is, but it is hard to answer the Qs about it given not only how new it is but how little interaction we've had. In any event (btw she texted me to invite me to the Chinese Symphony at Carnegie Hall tomorrow) these are my results:

Attachment Style: Secure (in all sectors: General, Mother, Romantic, Friend)

Attachment Traits: Scored higher than 'average' when I am Secure or have Anxiety, well below when I am in Avoidance.

Subjective Well-Being. Well below norm of 2.96 at 1.6

Relationship Functioning: Not surprisingly based on how I answered the question on this very new relationship I scored low in committment and investment. The girl is moving 7,500 miles away in a month and to have any real communication with her we need to text.

Personality Traits:

• Etroversion: Low
• Agreeableness: A little above average
• Conscientiousness : A little below average
• Openness to Experience: A little above average
• Neuroticism  : Well below average

The Conscientiousness if fascinating that it is that low as it refers to "organized and dependable, show self-discipline, act dutifully, aim for achievement, and prefer planned rather than spontaneous behavior."

I am highly disorganized with "stuff" but hugely organized and anal with my work, I'm hugely depandable with big stuff (things you want to depend on someone for) but not "chores", crazy self-discipline for work/health/diet and I spent my life aiming for achievement and have very little spontaneous behavior.

Anyway, that apparently is me. An introvert who feels hugely unfulfilled but has a tremendous amount of emotional stability who feels highly secure in relationships non-the-less except when s*** hits the fan in which case it all goes out the window.

[1stTimer]

so things have smoothed out?

she got sick, cancelled dates, you got nervous/jumpy but didnt act on it, shes better now, do i have that right?

Update: I as I said de-escalated in my head (jumped the wave, got off the horse, whatever) and just figured whatever was happening was happening for a reason I'd find out vs assuming based on last bad experience and tendency in general to over-react vs contemplate. Just told her I hoped she felt better and to let me know if she needed anything, shut my imagination off and went about my other business. I figured I'd let her reach out or not. She did today, inviting me to a concert at Carnegie Hall tomorrow. I KNEW it! ;)

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi 1stT-

This is all good.  I too, feel triggers... .both in my body and my mind.  I characterize my own  reactions as “jumping to conclusions”; although no one except my new therapist and I know I do this.  And this was NOT my historical pattern.

I want to get back to something you slipped in here earlier, something that I didn’t notice in the other posts where you talked about this new, nice “normal” girl from another country (China).

Did you say she pushed for this relationship to be “serious” from the outset, wants you to say she is your GF to her face and in front of her friends, is “pushing” you to visit and “live” with her in China?  And can you please clarify where you feel she rejects overtures when you act like a BF?

I believe you were clear that there is a language barrier.  Her English is limited and your Chinese is limited.  I’m sure this is frustrating since you’re a word lover; and your recent trigger had to do with miscommunication about her feeling sick and a resulting cancelled dinner with friends.  I think you did great recognizing and riding through your trigger.  And you must realize that with the language barrier, if a “real issue” were to arise, communication could be a huge challenge.

You have known one another for about a month; she’s visiting friends in NYC, correct?  And now she has extended her stay for an additional month.  That’s nice.  It gives you a chance to get better acquainted.

So 1stT.  During these last months, through some pain, strong self-reflection and work with Skip, and really moving back into the world must feel so good.  I’m betting you’re feeling liberated, and more so daily.  I’m also betting you’ve been learning a great deal about yourself.  And having some self-compassion (a good thing... .and well deserved).

OK my friend... .How do you FEEL being asked the questions this woman is asking you?  And what do you know of her prior marriage/divorce  (a year ago, correct?)  Please take some time to think about your answers.

Please know... .none of this is to put you on the spot.  I just don’t want anyone ELSE to make you feel that way.  Does my saying that make any sense?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

P.s. now I need to go take Skip’s test,  AND, how was the concert?

[1stTimer]

Hi 1stT-

This is all good.  I too, feel triggers... .both in my body and my mind.  I characterize my own  reactions as “jumping to conclusions”; although no one except my new therapist and I know I do this.  And this was NOT my historical pattern.

Hi Gem! Great to hear from you. Are saying, as I was, that the patterns came after you experienced the BPD relationship?

Did you say she pushed for this relationship to be “serious” from the outset, wants you to say she is your GF to her face and in front of her friends, is “pushing” you to visit and “live” with her in China?  And can you please clarify where you feel she rejects overtures when you act like a BF?

Um she did but not like this girl. Much less of the 'desparate to find someone to call herboyfriend/manipulative crap'. I think her point was, since we jumped into bed fairly quickly for her is that Chinese girls are not ones to invite men back to their apartment and have sex so she was confirming I LIKED her and making it clear she chose me because she liked me. It was really free of any artifice or manipulation. And I think too some language; she was saying 'do you want me to be your girlfriend' and I basically said (hard to communicate) that "I like you and am not dating anyone else and want to get to know you better like that' and she was happy with that which is what I think she meant. She is decidedly not latching on to me, has tons of friends, goes out a lot to galleries and day trips and museuems and such without feeling the need to invite me all the time or me feeling the need to go.

I don't feel pressured at all and dont' feel insecure at all. I think we are both actually similar in our monogamy etc so I think we are both seeing it as exclusive but with the realization there are challenges in language/distance. So as much as one can be with one language barriers, a finite time left and maybe 6 weeks together 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

I believe you were clear that there is a language barrier.  Her English is limited and your Chinese is limited.  I’m sure this is frustrating since you’re a word lover; and your recent trigger had to do with miscommunication about her feeling sick and a resulting cancelled dinner with friends.  I think you did great recognizing and riding through your trigger.  And you must realize that with the language barrier, if a “real issue” were to arise, communication could be a huge challenge.

Yeah she knows this and even when we are with her friends like last night, they translate a lot and mention she is concerned about that. I do love words and flirting and connecting with words for sure so it is hard. I guess if a 'real issue' arose we couldn't rely on google translate and would need a friend to translate which is weird. I'm not putting any stock in this becoming super serious as to be so I'd need to propose and that is just not happening (any time soon) since it would require much more connection then we have now which is a catch-22 of sorts. For now I enjoy her company and friends a lot and I'll miss here when she goes but won't be devastated. I may take her up on visiting Chengdu, I am not sure.

So 1stT.  During these last months, through some pain, strong self-reflection and work with Skip, and really moving back into the world must feel so good.  I’m betting you’re feeling liberated, and more so daily.  I’m also betting you’ve been learning a great deal about yourself.  And having some self-compassion (a good thing... .and well deserved).

Yes self-compassion is good. A friend said that to me; he said 'forget "forgiving" yourself; treat yourself like a friend would and show yourself some compassion. You showed HER (BPDgirl) with far more than you did yourself.

Yes it is all internalzing to everything. Some major opportunities in biz but huge recent setbacks this weekend but I'm sort of keeping those in a box and moving forward with hope and confidence anyway. Just paid off this am with some pretty impossible fixes to the site made over the weekend and just taking each fastball as it comes.

OK my friend... .How do you FEEL being asked the questions this woman is asking you?  And what do you know of her prior marriage/divorce  (a year ago, correct?)  Please take some time to think about your answers.

I feel good about them. It is like being interviewed by Fox vs MSNBC; who is asking the questions (not that I'd want either one but you get the analogy)? What is their agenda? Do they have one? I think her questions were from a very upscale and proper Chinese girl who did not want to be with an American player and just have sex. Unlike xBPD (I hate calling her ex because she was not my gf) she really sees me and likes me. Her friends all tell me (even last night) how she is blown away by how nice I am to her, how respectful, how much I do for her and care for her. And she loves my new 'muscles' btw ;) And I cook for her and as she says 'you love to cook and I love to eat". So I think she found someone who by her own admission treats her in ways many of her countrymen do no. So... she likes me. Me. Not the idea of 'me'. And I like her. It is that simple for me, I have no expectations of where this will go, I am not grapsing on for dear life and not to someone I know has none of my qualities or values at that.

She and her ex are very amicable and in fact share some business together still. Good friends. According to her she wants a bigger life. Not materialisic per se, though she does dress to the nines at all times but I think she comes from family money (showed me her new 2018 Ferrari from home, a $290K car) so not looking for a guy to take care of her. But I can tell from the thigns she does she wants travel, symphonies and art galleries and travel and events (she showed me pics from Sydney and Paris and Shanghia and San Francisco and Du Bai etc) and he wants  to stay put at home. I know she has a grown daughte (20?, I think this woman is ~45) who also just got a new Ferrari (thus the 'clue' on family money).

Sorry to babble but point is I have no issues with what she said as I think it was not the desparate pressure of pwBPD but simply a woman with speicific values about dating and sex who likes me and vice-versa. She's playing no games (certainly not inviting men up to use sex toys up and fellate and then telling me wasn't sleeping around only "dabbling") and not manipulating me. And here is what is cool; I TOLD her I had no money, was trying to get my business bought or funded but had literally noo money. And this girl with enough Jimmy Choo shoe boxes to reach the cieling (those are just the ones she brought) and a $290K car whose outfits could fund my business and likely has rich suitors chose me anyway.

Please know... .none of this is to put you on the spot.  I just don’t want anyone ELSE to make you feel that way.  Does my saying that make any sense?

It makes sense and is so appreciated Gem that you would look out for me that way. No one else can EVER make me feel that way again. In fact since it was the first time ever I'll own that one and say I made me feel that way. I think that test Skip had me take really summarized who I am well since I knew I was Secure in relationships but the funny thing was it showed that quality absolutely tanking when I am in avoidance mode. I guess I don't trust be to be there for me when things hit the fan and w/o boring you that is pretty clear from my family dynamic (sisters at least) that would be the case. So I know now what I need to work on and when I need to keep my ears open listen VERY carefully to my internal dialogues and thanks to Skip have some tools to do so when I need to and categorize them.

P.s. now I need to go take Skip’s test,  AND, how was the concert?

It was a cool test but as Skip might point out I thought so because it confirmed my world view ;)

Concert was awesome. Sheng Yu at Carnegie Hall (where I had my 5th grade graduation!). Mix of East and West music, with an truly astonishing violin solist (18 yo chinese girl) that took your breath away. I was interviewed afterwards by a Chinese Television station. Afterwards her and her friends (she has many many friends so far, all amazingly nice, all walks of life, warm, welcoming which should say a lot) to this authentic Schezuan restaurant. All made me feel welcome and one was translating for her and get this; most of the dinner was her regaling them in Chinse about the various dinners I cooked for her or things I did for her with her friend translating. Many comments about how I was a 'Super Gentleman'. He told me that when I had my big meeting she went and spent an hour at St Patricks Cathedral praying for me and didn't eat for two days (!). She had also reached out to a rich friend of hers to see if he could invest and he had written back he could not since he didn't know my industry. But. She showed to me that night vs two weeks ago since she didn't want to show to me before the big meeting I had and possibly ruin my confidence or mood. So as much as this likely has no future I have to say 'man what a keeper'. I've had one gf who looked after me like that. pwBPD used to say 'You need to court me' (when SHE was after ME) and I used to say 'give me a reason to' and she'd say 'I'm the woman' and I'd say 'you just don't get it'. This woman does. That is the kind of behavior that makes you want to "court" and protect and provide.

Good luck with the test and report back, I am very interested in seeing your results and thanks as always for the support and interest!

[1stTimer]

And you must realize that with the language barrier, if a “real issue” were to arise, communication could be a huge challenge.

Oh I forgot to mention this (nice) part; I could tell at one point she was talking about the miscommunication when I was wondering is something was up, because of a few words but mostly from the "awwww" from everyone else  . Her friend translated for me; she wants you to know she was very busy working two jobs, one here and one for her business in China at night and was not mad at you and apologizes deeply for neglecting you. I guess I de-escalated for the right woman huh?