I get mistakes and they happen and can but the same one that has over 500 times to me is a choice
It's a
really really really hard choice is how I see it with my BPD loved one. The need driving the behavior is so powerful, and so strong, that it takes a heroic effort to make whatever change she is trying to make. And using willpower to make changes is like a muscle that gets tired over time.
Not to excuse your H's choices, only to put in perspective that choice implies it's simple to choose other behaviors that are less destructive to the marriage.
I tried to relieve his anxiety and control multiple ways that took my time and felt wrong and gross but i was willing to do it. Check in. Inform him before he sees it and also let him ask and ask and I just simply answer but when I was calm and did that it only made him up His game.
Like you said, appeasing him by giving in to anxiety isn't working, and makes things tough for you.
His need for control is to manage the intense anxiety that prevents him from feeling more negative emotions, including no emotions at all.
Do you participate in any of the DBT work? There is something in DBT called opposite to emotion action. I wonder if you can talk in advance with him about which opposite action might work when he feels anxious about not knowing who is in the house and what's happening -- where you're going, what you're buying, etc.
What he is learning in DBT can be harnessed and reinforced by you to give him skills for managing his anxiety so he learns other ways to cope. Right now he is using you to regulate his emotions. DBT is about helping him become responsible for regulating his own emotions.
If he does this already and falls off the wagon, he may need positive reinforcement (we all do) because otherwise the BPD traits will distort his tiny little changes into failures he could not do perfectly 100 percent of the time.