UBPD Husband recently lost job, blames me

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband recently lost a job in a company he's been with for ten years. It was incredibly stressful but he was proud he had worked so hard to get it.
For the first few days after he lost his job, he said he'd never loved me more. We were there for one another as we planned for our future based on the new opportunity such a big life change would bring. We cut our expenses cooperatively. Everything was great. until it wasn't.
As always is the cycle, he was going to hit a low and it would be my fault. It started with me going out with some friends and spending too much money, somethign I apologized for, however he took it as a personal slight that even though he'd encouraged me to go, that I would go out like that while he is so down and that I'd spend money on top of it. It's has only cycled downward from there.
He's upset with me about something every night. So much so that over the weekend, he told me to leave and never come back adn went so far as to take my keys from me. I went to a friend's house, and of course he was messaging me "Why aren't you here? Why am I alone? I need you here, come home." he then told me that I was the reason he lost his job because he had been too stressed with me to be on his top performance.

I admit to being naturally a little spacey and sometimes a loud talker, but overall I'm there for him more than he realises or recognizes - so much so that I'm about to give up a job I've worked REALLY HARD FOR to move back to our hometown because it's the only place he thinks he can be happy when he finds new work. Not only that, I'm staying behind a few more months living on someone's couch sot aht I can maintain health insurance for both of us while he looks for work.

I'm at my whit's end trying to make him see how much I love him. Today he is mad because I didnt say goodbye when I left. I thougth he was sleeping and he's told me multiple times to let him sleep if he's upset with me - which he has been for the past few days. We had a good night last night but I didn't think it meant I was clear to wake him up wthout him beign upset about it. I'm so frustrated. Every decision with him has to be carefully calculated and I'm going to get them wrong half the time anyway. I'm tired. so so tired. and here i am about to turn my entire life upside down for him and thinking "is it worth it?" Then I remember how much I love him and I know it is.

[eggshellfiancee]

My husband recently lost a job in a company he's been with for ten years. It was incredibly stressful but he was proud he had worked so hard to get it.
For the first few days after he lost his job, he said he'd never loved me more. We were there for one another as we planned for our future based on the new opportunity such a big life change would bring. We cut our expenses cooperatively. Everything was great. until it wasn't.
As always is the cycle, he was going to hit a low and it would be my fault. It started with me going out with some friends and spending too much money, somethign I apologized for, however he took it as a personal slight that even though he'd encouraged me to go, that I would go out like that while he is so down and that I'd spend money on top of it. It's has only cycled downward from there.
He's upset with me about something every night. So much so that over the weekend, he told me to leave and never come back adn went so far as to take my keys from me. I went to a friend's house, and of course he was messaging me "Why aren't you here? Why am I alone? I need you here, come home." he then told me that I was the reason he lost his job because he had been too stressed with me to be on his top performance.

I admit to being naturally a little spacey and sometimes a loud talker, but overall I'm there for him more than he realises or recognizes - so much so that I'm about to give up a job I've worked REALLY HARD FOR to move back to our hometown because it's the only place he thinks he can be happy when he finds new work. Not only that, I'm staying behind a few more months living on someone's couch sot aht I can maintain health insurance for both of us while he looks for work.

I'm at my whit's end trying to make him see how much I love him. Today he is mad because I didnt say goodbye when I left. I thougth he was sleeping and he's told me multiple times to let him sleep if he's upset with me - which he has been for the past few days. We had a good night last night but I didn't think it meant I was clear to wake him up wthout him beign upset about it. I'm so frustrated. Every decision with him has to be carefully calculated and I'm going to get them wrong half the time anyway. I'm tired. so so tired. and here i am about to turn my entire life upside down for him and thinking "is it worth it?" Then I remember how much I love him and I know it is.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like a really tough time for both of you.  I'm sorry to hear about all the stresses you both are facing, and the added burden for you of dealing with BPD issues.  What are your thoughts about the move to your hometown?

RC

[eggshellfiancee]

It sounds like a really tough time for both of you.  I'm sorry to hear about all the stresses you both are facing, and the added burden for you of dealing with BPD issues.  What are your thoughts about the move to your hometown?

RC

I’m excited to move home. My brother is about to have a baby and I’ve really missed my family and home, however I am in a really good place career wise and my job really wants to invest in my growth, plus I love the families I work with (I’m a social worker), and my kids. I have the most amazing coworkers. Walking in to work every day now is so bittersweet because I love it but I know I’m leaving it. I was promoted to a supervisory position less than 8 months ago and it just really bothers me. I’m also worried about going home, not having my job, or my friends and nothing changing in our relationship

[Radcliff]

That's great that you're excited about moving back!  I have had a rewarding career, but did not grow my career near extended family and that is something that I've missed.  Thanks for sharing the detail about your career.  You must be proud of that accomplishment, and it must be so hard to leave the position and people you enjoy working with.  Perhaps you'll find a supervisor opportunity near your home town!  If you don't, I've done a fair amount of hiring, and when I see someone just rising into management, who I then hire as an individual contributor, I expect that it's only a matter of time before they rise to management again if they're good at it.  When I look at someone who's gone from individual contributor to management for a bit, then moved, then risen again, I'm really impressed.  The cream tends to rise to the top.   

Are there any of the coping tools that you find useful when you and/or your husband are under a lot of pressure?

RC

[loyalwife]

I'm at my whit's end trying to make him see how much I love him. Today he is mad because I didnt say goodbye when I left. I thougth he was sleeping and he's told me multiple times to let him sleep if he's upset with me - which he has been for the past few days. We had a good night last night but I didn't think it meant I was clear to wake him up wthout him beign upset about it.

You also said that you know that it's part of the cycle, and that he tends to look for something to 'fight' about. No matter what you do, or don't do, when the BPD is in the mood to unleash, they will. It's clear that you love him, but it must not always feel that he loves you, at least in the same way and the same depth; and it hurts. Through all of this, you are continuing to give and be there for him, and yet he doesn't see it. This is so often the back side of BPD. My husband left today for five days, mad, without saying goodbye, and blocked me. All because he blames me for his cold. It doesn't have to make sense to us, because in their mind they are justified and want us to hurt as much as they do.

As Radcliff suggested, find a way to take care of yourself during the stressful times (like these). Remember that just as the times before, eventually he will unwind and be more like himself, again. Changes are hard for anyone but especially for someone with BPD. The horrible things that are said and done sometimes get forgotten, and yet in the last two years I've been presented with divorce papers during his episodes. Each time that I was ready to take him up on it, he folded and retracted. Letting go doesn't always mean not caring or wanting your relationship to work out, it's about loosening the grip so that you can both grow.

By the way, couple therapy was a big failure for us too. My husband actually threw the keys one day and ran out of the room (even though we came in holding hands). It's so much easier just to continue to blame others and not take responsibility for their own behavior. All part of BPD.

It's great that you will be moving back to your hometown, which means more support for you. You're going to do just fine.